Showing posts from July, 2012

That's up to you

I was just watching an episode of Law & Order.  A woman gave up her child for adoption.

It got me thinking about myself.  For all intents and purposes, I was adopted.  My mother dropped out of sight when I was 3 and I seldom saw her growing up.

After I turned 18, I had no contact.

On the one hand, I wanted to know all about her; on the other, she wasn't there when I needed her.  My stepmother consoled me when I was depressed, and encouraged me to eat when my weight dropped due to antidepressants.

OH, I could have used some counsel on how to manage my illness, but she didn't know herself.  About the only lesson I took away "Don't drink or do drugs, it will wreck your life like it did hers".

I had to figure out "illness management" and "smart living" for myself.  That's one reason I maintain this blog, to provide the kind of counsel I needed.  I want other people to come here, read what I have to say, and navigate away thinking &quo…

For Mark

Mark!  You get your own blog!

I am very flattered you shared everything you did about your personal life.  I know how a lot of people would have reacted.  Ah, nuclear?

Yeah.  Anyway, you know the evangelical, Bible-thumping position, so I won't restate it.  That's for you to work out.  To paraphrase the Bible, you will need to work out your own salvation.

I will let you know I'm praying (you are covered in a couple of categories) for you daily.  That's all I can do, and hopefully provide such an excellent example of faith you cast everything aside in pursuit of it (mostly kidding, there).

I thought you might get a kick out of a Ron-ism.

You may not know my husband suffered a very bad head injury, rated "Extremely Severe".  Basically, he had one of the worst head injuries one can have and still keep the brains in his head.

OH, I do hope you have the right paperwork for your husband.  I had a HORRIBLE time because Ron and I were not legally married at the…

Typical Day

A little more about my average day: get up, do my God Time, shower.  Eat a small meal, take the antidepressant and antipsychotic (I have an unusual reaction to it - it wakes me up, so I take it AM),  and go to work.  I may go to the wholesale warehouse first, and then take the merchandise to work (tomorrow), to go straight to work (yesterday).  At any rate, I get to work, stock vending machines, repair them, etc. Help Ron - he does a lot of hollering for me.

It's good for helping me to be patient.  Ron uses a wheelchair at work, he can't stand for long due to the nerve disease and stroke.  He makes being blind, partially paralyzed (entire right side), and a wheelchair-user - he makes it look easy and natural.

Yesterday, at work, some woman kept gaping at Ron at work.  I knew she must be knew.  The regulars treat Ron as part of the scenery.  They are good at ducking out of his way as he approaches in the wheelchair.

We get out of there in the early afternoon, I come home and…

What my faith looks like

I'll never forget the moment I found out my illness had a name, and medication.  I'll never forget the feeling of power - taking back control, as I took my first dose of medication right in my doctor's office.  It was wonderful, and I thank God every time I take my medication.

God has given me so much.  Hope, peace, confidence.  I want everyone to have that - but that's nothing new.  You can find something along those lines all over my blog.

I don't think I've ever talked about this: what my faith looks like.  This all came to a head today, as I showed Ron my Haldol.  I told him "This is control of my thoughts, and no-nausea.  Wonderful, isn't it?"  Ron muttered invective at God for "breaking" me and I had to  laugh, thinking about my readers and how they must view my faith, at home.

I envison blog readers picturing Ron and us getting up early to thank God for the new day, spending time in prayer and Bible study before we go to work.

"Where are you, Heather?"

Delivery day is always interesting.

Last night, I had a hard time falling asleep.  They had some alien invasion program.

I am not worried about an alien invasion, but I was interested to see how they'd present it, because I believe aliens will be used to explain the rapture.  "The aliens took away all those close minded Christians, so the rest of us could evolve" - possibly.

You'll have to wait and see; but I always pray you'll be with me.  I don't care how awful you are, what kind of comments you leave, no one "deserves" the trials you will have in the Tribulation.

Anyway, I watched that for a while.  Ron fell asleep at the end.  He loves to sleep with his TV on headphones.  His Dad used to fall asleep with the TV blaring, maybe it's genetic.  All I know, Ron sleeps GREAT when he does that and we have separate rooms, so it works for both of us.

I went to bed around 7, because I had to get up at 2.  Ron woke me up talking about a new alien …

I got smart and prayed about it.

I've had a lot of political angst this year.

As an evangelical, evangelist, I had some major issues voting for the incumbent.  We don't agree on doctrinal issues of salvation.

As a born-again, I had some major issues voting for a Mormon.  How can I vote for someone who thinks the Devil, and Jesus, are brothers?  Abhorrent!

But I always go back to what God called me to do, years ago: pray for our leaders.  I pray for all of them every day, big ones and little ones.

I have to feel that God will guide them, regardless of religious belief - otherwise, why have me pray for them?   God can get through to anyone.

Ron was very excited tonight, watching Romney talk about Israel.  I found myself agreeing with everything I saw.

Then I saw something with the incumbent and felt my usual dread he might be re-elected.  I should add here, many of my like-minded friends have insisted I must vote for Romney, as an "against the incumbent" vote.

Well, I don't like that.  I ca…

Back to the aliens

As it turns out, I did have a migraine.  Ugh.

I had to take a phenergan tablet and lie down.  I came back to life around 3, just in time to eat and watch "When Aliens Attack" with Ron.

Oh, and read the new manual.  The other vendor is wrong; we only pay our percentage after they deduct expenses.  We'll probably pay something like $20 a month.

Back to the aliens.

Allow me to distract myself

I woke up with a "bad" headache.  I have a scale: headache, "bad" headache (will become a migraine without intervention), migraine (no vomiting), and "bad" migraine (vomiting).  So, in one sense, it isn't too bad, but it is a bad headache.  

Usually I can kill it with a hot shower and some OTC generic headache pills.  Walmart sells something "Headache Relief Formula" - a generic Excedrin, 2 bottles of 100 count each, for $4.  That's a good deal.  

Not much else to say about it, it will either go away or it won't.  I took the tablets, hot shower pending after I post.  Onto other topics.  

Recently I purchased some small vials of roll-on perfume oil.  Ron was rather free with his favors during his single days, so many perfumes remind him of other women.  

I don't want Ron thinking about another woman when I walk in the room!  I had a very hard time finding something I liked, he liked, and no reminders.  

For a while, in the mid 90's…

When God says no

Ugh.  I rode with someone involved in a cult.

Normally, I like to give the driver a bag of candy with some kind of Jesus.  This time, I got a no.  I have learned to listen to the "no".  Once I realized she was a JW, I got it.  She would have just thrown out the "Jesus".

It is very frustrating to talk to them, they are into their set little lecture, one-way "conversation".  In this case, she said believers didn't go to heaven.  I was dying to quote 2 Peter 3:10 " 2 Peter 3:10
[The Day of the Lord] But the day of the Lord will come as a thief in the night, in which the heavens will pass away with a great noise, and the elements will melt with fervent heat; both the earth and the works that are in it will beburnedup.

Revelation 21:1 also discusses how the current Earth will pass away.  

But, then, how productive will it be to argue with a cult member?  I got a "No" so I didn't.  
Once or twice, I disobeyed the Holy Spirit.  The first time,…

Does it work?

Here's a question for all my readers, saved or unreached.

Does a confrontational approach ever work?    I have two viewpoints.

On the one hand, I have seen a confrontational approach work on two men.  One, my husband, was debating "religion" with a man named John.

"Ron" he said "You've never even read the Bible!  You are ignorant!  Go read a Bible and then we'll talk."  Ron was so furious he went and stole a Bible, reading it and getting saved.

Another time my husband told a fellow passenger "You need a Bible, sir" and gave him one.  Amazingly, the man accepted it and began reading it immediately.  We rode with him months later and he thanked us again, for the Bible.

So, on a few occasions, I guess an evangelist can be a little brash.  I have to think, though, that most of the time, God calls us to mercy and compassion.

I told Ron "I just share my faith and offer them a Bible, and they take it."  That's my approac…

Peanut the Killer Chihuahua

I don't like most dogs.

There, I said it.

When I was a little girl, I witnessed a mauling; the neighborhood "problem" dog would attack kids coming home from school every day.  I lived between the bus stop and the problem house, so I never had a problem, but I would see the dog chasing kids, kids would talk about being chased, and one day I heard the screams as my little brother's friend, Jesse, was bitten.  He was just walking down the road.

It was a shepherd.  After the attack, the dog was euthanized.  You can imagine my horror, a few years later, when a loose shepherd jumped on me playfully as I walked home from a friend's house.  I almost had a nervous breakdown.

Looking back, I can see it was an adolescent, saw a "child" and wanted to play.  I just saw a huge dog with large teeth coming to "get" me.  Praise God it was not aggressive.

I was a very fearful child, and my top two fears: "bees" (include entire wasp family), and d…

Let it go

Well, after hours Ron decided to talk to me.  He wanted to know "Why I wouldn't help" him calculate cost-per-ounce on wine vs. beer.  I told him, I don't help with anything related to alcohol.

Why, he asked?  I told him it is easier for me to have a blanket policy.  If I help with some things and not others, the lines may not be clear.  I thought that was a very delicate way of stating...

"So, you think I'm going to force you into doing something you don't want to do?"  I said, you can be manipulative.  I don't want that.  He didn't agree.  Said "I'm not a monster".  I never said that, I reminded him.

I used a book analogy, right now I am black and white.  Before things were "50 shades of gray" (no, I never read it, and even Ron is revolted).  I laughed, he didn't.  I said, this way it is very easy to understand what I will and will not do, regarding alcohol.

He reminded me he could get his own alcohol.  I agre…

Fight, Ron, fight.

Obviously, today's a bad day for depression.

It was very embarrassing for me when Ron called someone and complained bitterly about my weight, going on and on about how he "could" have married a skinny woman (one is a chain smoker, by the way).   He said, flatly, he didn't understand why I was upset.

I think he believes it was the weight issue that "made" me leave; when in actuality it was the whole context of the weight issue.  He approached it in the worst way possible, name-calling, making judgments, and "mind raping" as they said in a book on psychology (telling me what I thought).

As of now, I've had no impetus to confront him.  So, I'll wait until he asks, and if he does, I will say "When you are verbally abusive to me, and that means calling me names and cursing at me, then I will leave.  That is why I left."

However, it's not all bad.  Ron went to the liquor store, so I have the house to myself again.  I'm play…

Be Prepared

When I leave the house, I always wear walking shoes.

It has been my experience that Ron, on occasion, will get ugly.  One time he refused to give me a ride home, called paratransit and took me off the trip.  I had to walk in my sandals to the bus stop.  Then, to my horror, I realized I didn't have any bus fare.

I had to beg Ron for bus fare to get home.  He didn't make it easy, and after I had crawled back to the bus stop called me and said he "guessed" I "could" ride home with him.  I swore that would never happen again.  I branded the incident into my brain.

Not in a hateful way, but as a warning: this could happen again.  Don't put myself in that situation again.

It was so degrading, asking Ron for the money, and he made it very humiliating.

I always carry certain things in my backpack.  A Bible (my nifty waterproof one).  Some cash.  My bus fare card and extra fare money (since I ride for 60 cents a five dollar bill does nicely - I only used 60…

Married to the boss

2 Thessalonians 3:10
For even when we were with you, we gave you this rule: “If a man will notwork, he shall noteat.”

I have what many would consider a "hard" view about employment.  I got a lot of my work ethic from my Dad, and the rest from my husband.  When he couldn't find employment, he'd take whatever he could, even though telemarketing made him feel like a prostitute.  

I also picked up a lot from the Bible; the above verse being the most memorable.  Paul also said "We work hard with our own hands, we labor night and day" etc.  You can go to Bible Gateway and type in work.  

Let me do that.  720 references.  Obviously, God thinks work is important.  

Here's another good example:  Acts 18:3
So, because he was of the same trade, he stayed with them andworked; for by occupation they were tentmakers.
This is where we get the phrase "Tentmaker Missionary" - which I am.  I do "work" for God, but I support myself with a secular job (selling…

I'm with the Lord of Lords

2 Chronicles 15:15 New King James Version (NKJV) 15 And all Judah rejoiced at the oath, for they had sworn with all their heart and sought Him with all their soul; and He was found by them, and the Lord gave them rest all around.
I got these verses during my God time.  I have a Daily Bible, and a Daily Chronological Bible.  I got these from the first.  

2 Chronicles 16:9New International Version 1984 (NIV1984) 9 For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him.

I believe God wants me to encourage people.  

Times are awful.  People are scared.  I have someone on Facebook putting up constant updates about the Mark of the Beast.  It "could" be coming next year!  It, or something very like it.  

It's scary.  It's scary to see the lousy economy, horrible sales, higher fees and expenses, natural disasters, and now this?  

What happens to people who say no?  Well, that's speculation.  I'm not going there. 

Do I,…

I'd like a little sympathy

It's been a while since I had a "straight" marriage complaint.  I don't mean sex, I mean a plain complaint.

Overall, Ron is pretty good to me lately.  I don't help him with alcohol, he is avoiding strong alcohol, avoiding the chat line, etc.

Tonight he was yelling at me about a bad smell in the kitchen, blamed some dirty dishes in the sink.  I was pretty annoyed.  I rinsed everything very well before I put it in the sink.  I said "Maybe I need to clean out the fridge".  He said no.  I asked him, "Did you check the trash?" and he said no, then went on a tirade.

I finally told him, if they bothered him so much, he could do them himself.  He really doesn't understand depression, or side effects from psychotropic medications.  It's very frustrating.  If I try to explain, he thinks I'm "making excuses".

It brings me great comfort, in my faith, to realize that one day God will show him the truth and he will be horrified at …

What can man do to me?

Have you ever noticed, sometimes people like to sit around and play the "what if" worst case scenario game?

I am prone to do that, if I don't catch myself.  Say, home repairs.  I will start worrying about everything: my foundation, roof, plumbing, electrical, appliances, you name it.  I will work myself into a frenzy.

Some people like to play "Worst case scenario" - a lot of people, not breaking any confidences here: a lot of people on Facebook worry about one-world government taking over and restricting them.  Some wonder when "they" will come to arrest them for being Christians.    What if we have race wars?

It seems like the media wants to turn every race against the others: black against white and latino, latino against black and white, black against white and latino..  you get the idea.  It seems certain idiots blame the other races for all their problems, just like Hitler.  "If it weren't for them, you could have a great life!  They …