Monday all of it in one blog

 I slept OK last night.  Biscuit was in my computer chair all morning before I left for work so that was out. 

Work wasOK. I did explain a little about having FAS to one of my team members who will likely tell the rest of the team but I am OK with that if 1. It keeps them sober during their next pregnancies and 2. Helps them understand me better. It is very odd that I don't drive so I need to explain that before they think I am some sort of lush who had her license revoked. 

Sometimes when I hand out candy people tell me I am very nice,etc. I am not. I am a flawed human being.  A good example was the ride home.  

Skip to the ++ if you don't want to read something awful.  

So a couple got on the bus, appeared homeless. They had one big bag between them. She had open wounds/sores all over her arms that had been picked so badly she had severe scarring and fresh wounds. It was horrible to look at. As in, I still don't want any dinner. It was apparent she had done this to herself. 

And I felt a very strong leading to give them each a bag of candy with a Scripture booklet. But it was icky!  God knows what I would catch if I touched one of her open wounds. I fought God on it for a good 10 minutes but eventually gave them each a bag as I got off the bus. And they did not follow me home.  

++++ But a "good person"would have just done it. 

That's it for now. 

Well, I used the auger and it helped

 So I will not worry about it for now. The auger was pretty easy to use and I read the directions first. Later on I put the directions, along with the manuals for everything we (I) own, in a milk crate I will organize further with some "real" envelopes or files.  I was just piling everything from my W-2 to the utility bills on a kitty condo.  It didn't bother Biscuit who slept on top of it occasionally. 

Next time I get manic I can make it a project. 

Anyway I rinsed off the auger even though the water was clean and then put it back in the garage. I am glad I have it. I also use the poop gadget to cut up large poops so that helps prevent clogs as well. 

I got a nap with Biscuit who was hogging most of the bed, but I got in on the "other" side and had enough room. He is very comfortable with me unlike Cleo who is always at threat level orange at best. Spotty is always pretty relaxed but he doesn't like me to touch him much.  Cleo doesn't want me to touch her unless I am lying down. Biscuit is very chill he wants petting all day, every day, anywhere.  

I think Biscuit overall had a pretty good life until he met me. He had a family (they put a flea collar on him and Gravy) before getting dumped in the woods to starve (I searched my whole neighborhood for flyers and did extensive online searching as well and no one claimed them so I can only assume they were dumped).  So he had a loving family, got dumped.  That didn't stop him.  I go walking by to the bus stop and my Bible handout and Biscuit pops out...

I said Hello and baby talked him. He came RUNNING out of the woods to me and climbed me like a tree, perching on my shoulder for minutes as I waited on my bus.  Then he tried to board the bus and go on the Bible Handout.  So he's still loving. 

I went on the Bible Handout and came back with a can of cat food, got off the bus.  I had been praying for God to please show me what to do with the boys as I couldn't just leave them and I knew we couldn't have four cats. And I saw that woman kicking one of them in the head. You never saw me run across a street so fast. She stopped when she saw me and I screeched WHAT ARE YOU DOING?  She said they (kept approaching her) and she was trying to make them go away.  She summed it up with "You get rid of them, or I will" in a very final tone.  

I put the cat food down because they were starving, well away from her. She came over though and watched them eat.  I had two portions and the empty tin.  Gravy ate his half.  Biscuit kept licking the tin, then he tried to eat some of Gravy's, but Gravy smacked him.  The woman laughed.  I wanted to slap her.  I picked up Biscuit and shoved his face into "his" half of the food, he figured it out and ate his half.  Once they were done eating she asked me what I was going to do with them. I said I didn't know (I had left my cell phone at home). She repeated I had better get rid of them or she would, so I stuck them in my bag and we walked half a mile home. They kept meowing at me and peeping their little (vet said 5 months old) heads out but we got home OK.  

I walked in the house with them and Torbie came up, I put the bag down and released the boys.  She immediately hissed at them as one went for the litter box (GOOD BOY) and one went for the food bowl. They spent the next week eating, pooping, and sleeping in my bed. 

So I guess I got him in time,he was not as damaged as Cleo. But I love them all equally but I have to say Biscuit is my snuggly buddy. I can do anything with him.  He is also easy to medicate which is good as he's the "sick" one and is a dream about eating his special food. 

That's it for now. 

Oh, and Ron?  When he heard the story he wanted to know what we were naming them, because of course we were keeping them!  He said Gravy had to be Gravy so I said if we had a Gravy we needed a Biscuit. 

Me and food

 I have a complicated relationship with food.  I was, well, starved at times as a baby and toddler due to my mothers neglect.  I was undersized and underweight even after a couple years in Dad's care.  So getting on the scale gaining weight was a great thing.  Then I hit puberty.

I would get comments like "If you drink that milk (my favorite snack) you'll be as big as a barn one day!"  Really?  SKIM milk?  I weighed 120 pounds all through my teens at five foot seven.  But always with the comments about my weight, being called "fat", etc.  A lot of it is cultural in America we hold women up to an unrealistic standard.

Ron didn't like me so thin.  Normally I do not talk about my sex life, when I had one, but he used to - and said this up until he died, that it was uncomfortable making love to me at that weight.  I was too thin, "It hurt"

There were also a lot of bizarre rules growing up about what foods I was "allowed" to eat so I went a little crazy with Ron once I could eat whatever I wanted.  

But he started getting a little nervous once I got up around 150.  Then he said he would leave me if I got fat.  We had a lot of fights over it and I got a lot of verbal abuse over it.  And you have never seen the kind of abuse I got when I did lose the weight as he felt incredibly threatened.  So I gained it back.

And I had problems with exercise bulimia and was working out 2 hours a day for a while.

Lets not forget my medication as well.  Like my doctor says, "You gain weight on this stuff, you don't lose it."  But I have, in spite of everything.

I get down on myself for my eating plan and not yet at goal.  But I have come a long way.

Sunday morning

 I worry I am going to drive off readers.  

First it was the cloth pads; then the menstrual cups. Now it is my toilet.  So I will just say my toilet was perfectly fine until Friday night but is now making odd noises when I flush.  It does the job..but makes odd farting noises after?  But it's doing the job.  

Worst case I get paid Wednesday as long as it holds until then. The drains work?  I am not a plumber. 

Ron took care of the house stuff. Now as a widow I either wring my hands and play helpless with tradesmen, hope I don't get hosed. Learn more about how to do it myself. Remarry some guy who is handy...or might make matters worse!  😂😂  Lots of variables there. 

So for now I am going to wait I would not call this a plumbing emergency like that LOVELY broken pipe in my yard last summer. And that I think I handled very well (God's leading). Did a load of clothes this morning that worked.  

I heard, and this is just gossip, that when AT&T was putting in new fiber internet lines their contractor broke some home sewer lines and the homeowners had to pay for emergency $5K fixes, then try to get the money out of AT&T.  I didn't have anything like that thank God.  So I try to count my blessings. 

I slept pretty well last night. Biscuit is very cuddly.  I am going to miss him so when he dies. 

I am doing laundry, doing rags/towels now and then a load of mixed clothes, cloth pads, etc.  I just wash it with the regular clothes because I am not "using" them they are just in case. And nothing yet.  So I just wash them in the sensitive formula detergent, air dry, have something every day. Because one day when I was a teen (it was not my first period) my period came unexpectedly and I was wearing a light pink sweatsuit, I looked like something out of a horror movie it was a BLOODBATH.  So they sent me home (adoptive mom was stay at home wife/mom). I don't want that again. 

Then I need to do a little meal prep but not much, just chop up my cabbage and do some dishes. 

I am going to work on my roast chicken.  Weight was down to 182 this morning. That's it for now.  

Saturday afternoon

 I always liked Ray Bradbury, he is one of my favorite authors. I read everything I could get that he did and one of my favorite quotes came from him "Science Fiction Becomes Science Fact". 

He wrote in one of his books about the first day of summer; how (and I am going to do a very poor job restating this vs. his prose) the first day of summer should not be June 21, but the day it is warm and sunny out, the day all the fathers get out their lawnmowers and fill the neighborhood with the sounds of it and the scent of cut grass.  

That's today.  Everyone is mowing their yards, lots of greenery and fresh growth, life.  Kind of like the day Ron died actually. But I don't hold that against spring. I would rather he died in the spring vs. the winter.  

Speaking of dead my jasmine is for certain, dead. I will have to get someone out to give me an estimate on how much to take it down.  

That's it for now. 

Saturday afternoon

 So I filled out the jury duty forms online. I guess it is not a surprise they needed my ID number, but I was surprised they needed my work phone number. Thinking about it now I probably should have put the store # in addition to just 'Walmart" but I can tell them next month. 

They had various things that would disqualify me like being in a criminal proceeding, etc. Over 70 could get out; so could a single parent of someone under 12. But there wasn't anything about financial hardship.  My invalid died so that's out. 

Really the worst thing was the stupid capcha (?), I am sorry Blogger sticks you with one when you make a comment. But in the past I had a lot of spam comments which is why I moderate. Not that I am really thinking someone's going to say something awful and have it post but online businesses putting up links - that was bothersome for a while. 

I do welcome opinions.

Anyway it is all my fault. I have apparently created insatiable candy monsters at work. I started bringing it for co workers. Even my sour-tempered boss, the one always yelling at us, liked the pink lollipops. Now she expects them. And other managers found out about them too so they come find me now, including the store manager. When I went out today I asked God nicely to please help me get more candy. And He did.   I do not put any booklets in the candy I take to work. 

So let me tell you about my day. It was about 64 when I left so I wore my sweatpants and a hoodie with a purple t shirt. It was very casual. Spotty got on me and shed a fair amount of orange cat hair all over my outfit and I didn't catch it until I had already left. 

I went to the first store.  I got a nice red cabbage (2 pounds) and some shredded carrots. I got a tub of kale/spinach greens which should hold up nicely. I put that all up in my insulated tote with a couple of cold packs. I went to the second store. I needed candy there. The bus driver passed up a "wild" looking guy and told me he never picks the man up because he likes to spit on the driver. I'd pass him too! 

They had my candy and another bag that seems related to the "Pinatero" mix I used to get from Sam's club. I handed out well over 100 pounds of that stuff. So I am definitely set for another week.

On the way home we picked up a man who was both mentally limited and bipolar,manic. I was happy to get away from him. The candy got a little heavy on the way home but I got it. 

I handed out some during my day and that was fun. The cashiers at the second grocery store know I have candy and some will ask even if I didn't go through their lane.  That is fun. But I didn't get more bags so this will be a fun week. 

That's it for now! 

Saturday morning

 I believe in being honest here even when it makes me look bad. 

As you know during my Bad Times with Ron I would sit on the couch with a tub of frosting and a spoon and just eat. Yesterday I saw "keto" frosting and decided to try it. I liked it well enough I ate the whole tub but OH up all night on the toilet, which is now making funny noises when I flush.  I will not be doing that again.  

It was not the chicken I ate because I didn't have any cramps, nausea, or vomiting. No fever.  Just endless trips to the bathroom.  The nice thing about a small house I am NEVER far from the bathroom. 😂

But I guess that was a mistake I needed to make. Happily my weight is not up this morning. 

I am working on some laundry as I am not really up for going out. 

That's it for now. 

Not happy to open my mail today

 Work was OK today, mostly.  Cranky boss would come by and yell at me to (do my job) as I was doing it,and the woman who covered me on my lunch made a mistake that got me in trouble. If she really wants my job she had better do a better job of it. This was an obvious one. 

Other than that work was fine. A sweater I really liked went on clearance for $7 so I got it.  It is not a flattering design but I like it. 

I finished up, bought some lunch meat and cheese,and came home. After I put my stuff up I checked the mail and found an envelope marked JURY SUMMONS. 

Oh,crap. It is so hard to get downtown on the bus. Not looking forward to it. But I have about a month on that and Walmart is good about jury duty. 

That's it for now. 

Here are some photos

 Even though I think they make me look bad.  

Thursday morning

 I have been having dreams, nightmares really, where I am taking care of Ron again. They are exhausting and terrifying, the weight of responsibility suffocating. I can only conclude it is my mind's way of saying I'm not ready for that again. Which is necessary to know. 

Yesterday a man came into the store and my recently (last year) widowed co worker helped him. He was very tall, she is tall for a woman so they had that in common. She said later she liked  him. He actually came back to her later and said he would be back. She said he was "very handsome"and she liked him, so who knows where that will lead?  But I'm not ready for that, I'm scarred. Not scared, scarred. 

I am not saying "never" at this point because I want  to be in God's will for me whatever that is. But I am not ready yet, not by a longshot. 

I woke up with a nasty headache today as well but managed to beat it back with Excedrin at 3 AM. You know it is bad when I am reaching for Excedrin at 3.

I am well aware I could REALLY use some counseling. I have been through a lot, an abusive marriage, failing business, caregiving and then finding him dead which was a much bigger shock than I thought it would be. Then months of waiting on cause of death and finding out he had Alzheimer's on my anniversary. That's a lot.  

Maybe I need to upgrade my computer (windows 7), get a new keyboard (!) and do some of the online counseling. I don't know. 

I didn't hear from my aunt yesterday, normally we text a little. I am just assuming she is busy with her 9 grandkids.  Correction, she did message me back.  

So I am left thinking about my eating plan.  I am stuck around 183, this is eating 2 slices of keto bread at lunch every day. 

I wonder if I should just accept where I am right now and focus on keeping that, or focus on losing the last 20 pounds?  I don't think I will look "hot" even at goal but I will look better - but then again I'm not looking to impress any men. I do snack when I get home from work and I am pretty sure that is the problem. 

That's it for now. 

Wednesday night

 I had an uneventful ride home. Talked to my parents, took my shower. 

About the only notable thing: they have cameras on the bus and a large monitor showing live shots of what is going on. I was standing in the front and struck by an image, from behind, of a woman with a frizzy brown/gray ponytail and a wide butt. Then I realized it was me. 

I am NOT thin. 😂😂

I don't believe in Karma but it is a bitch

 There was a case in the news involving misfortune to a family with an unusual last name.  The name of the man who ran over Ron.  

On the one hand I have to be honest and say "Karma is a bitch, huh?"  But that doesn't lessen my pain.  Or his.  The kid was a drug dealer shot and left to die.  No one deserves that.  So I am mixed on that.

Other than that my day has been OK.  I am tired and a little depressed even before this.  It rained heavily earlier.  I am still hoping to ride the bus if it doesn't come back.  

That's it for now!

Wednesday morning

 So I took the shower last night so I don't need to run around this morning (part of the reason). Also when I was in the bathroom at work, right before clocking in,there was an employee vomiting in a stall. Sick?  Pregnant?  Both?  Who knows but I don't want it. I use the toilet at work at least 4 times a day (one of my medications acts as a diuretic). That's a lot of flesh exposure (still) to whatever is on the seat.  I am not real keen on bringing those toilet seat germs home. 

I will see if I get a cycle in the next 2 weeks. I don't have any tenderness yet which is generally a sure fire sign. On the one hand I would be thrilled to hit menopause but I worry about cardiac risk and also weight gain issues. I think my bones are fine. 

I need to get a new keyboard, I have been bitching about that for a while now. I am thinking about buying myself a bottle of perfume when I get my raise.  They have a lot of nice ones in the $20 range. Just get one, maybe some more "Tea Rose" I always liked that. It is old fashioned but I like it. The one I had last time didn't have good staying power and I would like something to stick around. 

The weather is going to be nice all week but cloudy so that's OK.  

That's it for now. 

Tuesday

 Work was pretty uneventful.  I did only bring 2 bags of candy (candy+ Scripture booklet in a baggie) which I later regretted as I had some good opportunities I missed.  I don't hand that out  at work I only hand out plain candy. 

I got out to the bus stop at 4:05.  Bus can come anywhere between 4:10 and 4:25. And I waited, and waited...I was on the verge of calling for a ride when he showed, no excuse, at 4:55. I signed up for text alerts so Metro should have told me. 

I didn't get home until 6:30. I got home and was putting my stuff up, prepared to take my shower, and one of the cats brought a live bird in the house so that's an hour chasing it around trying to be humane. I finally got it cornered in Ron's room and picked it up.  Boy that got a lot of excitement from the cats. Then I put it outside and it flew away. 

Then I called my parents, took a shower, and bagged up candy for work and also some candy to hand out tomorrow.  Now I am going to bed. 😂

Tuesday morning

 I am debating whether I want to buy some Diet Dew today (I can afford it) or just take some caffeine pills through the day.  I am thinking it is more "appropriate" to drink the soda even though both provide the same caffeine drug.  I will have to get back to my aunt on that. 

I woke up with a sad song running through my head blaming myself for Ron's death. But I kept reminding myself how happy and thankful he was the last couple months, how he was ready to go, etc. He had died before and couldn't stop talking about how great it was. So I'm going to focus on that.  It was not an "angel of death" thing with him, God took him. But when death came Ron was happy to see it. 

I also remind myself what sort of care he would have likely gotten at a Medicaid nursing home and the horrible quality of life he'd have had if I did place him. His last years were a lot more comfortable than they could have been. 

Off to take my shower.  I think I am going to start taking my showers at night.  I work retail, I ride the bus home, that's a lot of stuff I'm picking up.  Rather than taking it to bed and sleeping with it all night (I sit on the toilet seat at work at least 4 times a day), I am thinking it would be better to come home and wash it all off straightaway. 

Just a thought. 

I am wearing my new, "cute" pink sneakers today we will see how they hold up.  We will see. 

I need to get ready to go. That's it for now. 

Some cute firemen rescuing cat photos; and my day

 Last night my local fire department saved a cat during a building fire. Poor thing must have been terrified of the firemen in their gear, but it looks pretty happy to be out.  

I thought that was really cool.  I am not a "fire fan" but I admire and respect what they do.  

I had a brain dead day in some regards: 95% of the way to work I realized I had left my phone at home and I had to go back for it.  Then after work I forgot my water bottle in my locker and had nothing to drink for over 2 hours.  

Other than that it was a fine day.  My stepsister (5 years older than me and lives a couple hours from Mom and Dad) is visiting Mom and Dad tonight so I doubt I will hear from them.  

I also started an inventory of what clothes I have so I don't end up with an excess.  

That's it for now.  

Sunday late afternoon

 I had a nap, woke up with a headache to the sounds of revelry next door.  Got up carefully around Biscuit, sleeping with me, and got up.  

Not in order I: cleaned my iron skillet and stainless steel spatula, cleaned out the sink, put some cleaning chemicals in the bathroom, and sprayed the front door with some apple cider vinegar in water. I have a fiberglass?  Some kind of composite front door (it was donated by a door company after my house was robbed, it had a few minor scuffs so less "sell-able").  Sometimes cats spray it and the vinegar gets it off. But it "cut" it with water so it doesn't corrode. 

I don't care if the tomcats spray my trash can or fence but I do mind if they mess with my door.  Oh I just remembered something I REALLY need to do. I had a bucket out back that had filled with water and was disgusting, I went out and dumped it.  I also threw back a soccer ball that made it over the fence. 

They were running a sale on those menstrual cups I mentioned, with prime I was paying $2.70 each. Those things can run up to $35 each so that was a steal.  And I figure I will be getting raptured soon and the world will go to hell and what are the poor women going to do when they get their period?  If they raid my house I have pads, cups, and some disposables.  They come in a 2 pack so I got a small, and a large, 4 total.  I need to wash and boil them then put them away. I need to print up some directions on how to use them and put it together.  

I really think it's that close, peeps.  Time is almost out. I know some of you are holding onto a lot of anger at God because what He has allowed doesn't fit your logic or your idea of what's fair.  But who would have thought Ron getting run over and killed would lead to so many Bibles and booklets being handed out?  Back in our heyday Ron and I handed out thousands of Bibles and no one can take that from us.  I don't see the long view, no one does. But God does and it ALL works for good in the long run. 

If I ever marry a man with kids I'd like to think my experiences with the favoritism growing up (I was my Dad's favorite, and my stepmother favored her kids) will inform me and make me a more sensitive and better parent. My experience with depression and widowhood has made me more sensitive to others going through that.  Things like that. 

Anyway I need to get the new ones cleaned and put up. I keep them separately from my regular cups and will have a note with them indicating they are clean and unused.  I have a white one that is "old" but still works great (company is out of business, sadly) and a new pink one I like a lot, those are "mine" the other, unused, pink one is in the top drawer where I plan to put the new stuff.  And if I don't get raptured and my cup cracks or gets icky I can just "shop" in the drawer for a new one.  

My understanding on these things I need to wash in mild, unscented soap, rinse, and boil 10 minutes.  Don't microwave. Then air dry on a wash cloth and put in the little bag, then in the drawer. I rotate use on the cups so I use one one week (I wash with soap every night, boil 1x a week), wash, boil, put away, get out the other.  I think that is why a lot of cup makers sell them in 2 packs.  

I have heard they can get icky if not properly cleaned. 

Enough about that; it's my way of managing menopause I never know what my body is going to do one day to the next. The last couple years I pretty much wore a pad every day but that gets old and was not comfortable. Or cheap.  Reusable pad + cup works better for me at least until I'm done.  

The women in the menopause group said 2 years without a cycle if you are under 50 (I am) = menopause and 1 year without a cycle over 50. I am under 50.  So I am figuring this all out as I go along.  As I've said the women who would talk to me all had hysterectomies and the women who did transition naturally, including my birth mother, are either dead or not comfortable talking.  And you can always scroll. 

I am glad I have so much cooked food in the freezer, that was a good use of my weekend.  I am hooked on going to the store early and buying that discount meat. The store gets back the cost of the meat and I get some protein. 

I am still full from lunch, I had sausage and cheese. Plan is to have sausage and cheese for breakfast everyday, take nuts for my snack and then a keto sandwich for lunch.  That has worked in weeks past (the sandwich) so I shouldn't gain out of that. 

That's it for now I have to get ready to call Dad.  

Figuring it out

 I'm not going to put up pictures but I will try to be evocative. 

In some ways I am broken.  I have had a very hard time accepting it.  One way is the driving thing.  I just can't process what is around me in time to react accordingly. So I don't drive.  

The other way is planning and organizing the house cleaning.  I suppose some would blame my adoptive Mom. But she tried. She showed me how to do all the cleaning and I did the bathrooms every weekend.  The house was always immaculate.  I did my own laundry from about age 12 on, when I was a kid I folded the family's laundry.  Side note I love doing laundry.  

But I can stand in the kitchen or bathroom and not really notice it needs work.  Then all of a sudden I notice it is awful.  But what to do first?  That is just broken for me.  I was cleaning the kitchen and I would think "That doesn't look right" and realize I had not cleaned the stove, fridge, or microwave.  

What I did do was start out by doing all the dishes (many, many, dishes) last night. I swept out the kitchen floor this morning.  Then I used the Murphy's oil soap to clean the cabinets (some kind of cheap wood veneer but they hold my stuff so I'm happy).  The cabinets look a lot better.  Then the fridge, stove, microwave.  Oh wait a minute I forgot the upper cabinets!  I did the stove last night.  

Then I got my generic brand lavender floor cleaner and made a strong solution with very hot water, and mopped the floor. I got most of it and the water was filthy.  I wish I dared put up a before photo but I won't. So the floor went from really awful to 85% clean.  I got it about 95% and called that done.  

But I need a routine, I clean out the kitchen like I did this morning every so often?  How often?  A week, two weeks?  I am helpless. And the bathroom?  We won't even go there.  I will clean out/around the toilet today and look around the bathroom sink see if it needs it. 

But I will figure it out. I hear good things about Flylady but I have enough email, and sometimes consult "Un F8ck Your Habitat".  

Early Sunday

 I have seen everything now: a period panty by Spanx.  So it is shapewear with the period feature...

As I have said that is one reusable I haven't bought - the period panty, because, to me, once I get it on I am pretty much "stuck" wearing it all day at work.  I can take off a reusable pad. I can take out a menstrual cup and empty that. Apparently the menstrual discs are self emptying which is intriguing.... but a panty I am stuck wearing all day? No thanks. 

And you have seen a Walmart bathroom I am not getting undressed in there. I do have a stash of cloth pads and some menstrual cups. They each have their advantage and of course can be worn together. 

So I finally cooked up all the ground beef. I did various seasonings for them. I had to add some lard now and then to keep it from sticking but I got it all cooked and labeled. I cleaned up from that and went to bed. I slept pretty well considering how much caffeine I had.  

My weight is up this morning but to be 100% honest I had a couple of donuts at work on Friday and then I had two fritters at the grocery store on Saturday. I wish my boss would bring in something I didn't like for a treat.  I understand trying to motivate the troops I just wish it was something I "couldn't" eat like chocolate. When I bring candy I often bring chocolate because it is a horrible migraine trigger; the last time I ate chocolate I was sick for a week in bed vomiting into a bucket.  I will never know how Ron took care of himself, he could get around the house in a wheelchair but I don't see how he did it. But he did. 

I wonder how many caregiver agencies get a call to take care of both halves of a couple due to something like that. 

Anyway back to the carbs having the donut which is pretty much required, sets me off on a slide I don't like.  So I need to have one and stop and I have a very hard time doing that.  Which is why I support the AA approach of "we don't have any alcohol now". I don't want a man in recovery though I am done with alcoholics. My mother and my husband, too much. 

So onto happier subjects it is nice and sunny today.  The cats are cute.  Cleo had about half a cup of plain yogurt yesterday without getting sick so I will give her more today. I got some Omega-3 fatty acids I thought they would help my joints.  After I got hired it was my hip hurting all the time,I lost enough weight that is not an issue anymore, now it is my "good' knee interestingly enough. I can still work and function but I can't have it getting worse so I got the Omega 3's. I also eat Walnuts every day which are full of healthy fats. And I got some ginger root which is really good for inflammation. It is also good for digestion and I can use help with that sometimes. 

I got all my junk out of my vest and have that in the wash. That is my last load. I really like being able to wash the cloth pads. I will give you some links on that. 

Reusable stuff that works for me: 

These have a better lining than most of the cloth pads on the market and launder well

These are a nice little liner and would be good for minor bladder issues

If you want a starter cloth pad set this is a good one

If you want to make the jump to using a menstrual cup these are very affordable and work well

The top link is,in my opinion,the "best" cloth pad link of them all if you have a flow still. The liner link works as a liner and also minor bladder issues (cough, sneeze, that sort of thing). I have the cup and used it yesterday because I never know when my flow is coming these days.  

OK enough about my uterus.  I need to do a little cleaning in the kitchen and fry up some sausage for my meals next week. That is all, normally I have a lot of "work" to do my last day off so it is nice I did most of it yesterday. I am going to go make my tea and do my God Time, come back.  

That's it for now. 

Still cooking the ground beef

 I am up to my eyeballs in ground beef. Cooking it all.  

I could be lazy and freeze it raw but it is at the sell by date and REALLY needs to get cooked tonight. So back to it. I am using various different seasonings.  Cajun was good, so was the "Texas BBQ".  I also did some garlic and black pepper, will do an "Italian" and then of course some Taco seasoning so I can make the infamous taco casserole.  

It smells much better than regular beef and tastes better too. I am wearing an old oversized t shirt I kept for just this; cooking and messy house work.  The house reeks of ground beef. I will light some incense when I'm done. 

Cleo came by begging for yogurt but did not want any beef. She has had more of this carton than I have but it isn't affecting her negatively, and I can't see organic, whole milk, plain, Greek yogurt being a bad thing for her. She had digestive issues when she moved in, she, her brother, and her Mom all did.  No details on that. Probiotics helped them get back on track I got the sprinkles you put in wet food.  All the cats liked that. 

So I think yogurt, ongoing, is a good thing. 

My hands are really dry from all the hand washing. Other than that it is progressing.  I am glad I had the nap, though. This is running late.  

I am cramming it all into the freezer.  When I am done I suspect I will have frozen meats falling out at me every time I open the freezer, but I am OK with that. 

Let's just pray God my elderly fridge hangs in there. 😂

An interesting day already

 I got out to the bus stop around 7:30.  It was cold but clear and light out.  

I saw 2 cars illegally parked near the bus stop and two JW's with one of their mobile literature displays out by the bus stop.  I was not pleased, thought about saying something, and had a good time picturing going home: getting my Free Bibles sign and a couple cases of Bibles, throw them in the hand cart, come back and have a throwdown JW vs. Free Bibles.  😂  I did not, but I kept myself amused imagining it. 

I got to the grocery store around 8.  I went for the bargain bin in the back where they keep the markdown meats.  I have gotten some good deals, cube steak, ham, etc. Today it was full of 1 pound packages of grassfed, organic, ground beef at, get this, $2.50 a pound.  They had 13 packages (I counted).  I took 10 and left the other 3 for some other lucky soul.  

God sure fed me today. Say what you will about what He's allowed in my life He has certainly brought the food, clothes, and shelter. I got some spices because I can't eat 10 pounds of ground beef all seasoned the same way. I get tired of 1-2 pounds. So I got some "BBQ spice", etc. I got some tea, some little containers to take my food to work, etc. but that's about all I got.  

The checker couldn't believe the good deal on the meat and I told her I left her some.  The bagger asked the checker to save her a pound "For my spaghetti tonight" so I was really glad I had left some. Now I know I will have to cook ALL of it tonight and freeze it but I am OK on that. 

I got out to the bus stop. I was a little annoyed at first a young woman had her stuff spread out over the entire bench, but then I realized she was a waitress at the overnight diner. We chatted some and I ended up giving her my stun gun because she says she feels unsafe working there at night. I don't regret that. I am coming home between 4 -6:30 PM that is not a "bad"time as it goes, I can only imagine what it is like for her at 2 AM.  So no regrets on that. 

The bus driver was diabetic and got a little weird when he saw the booklet and told me to "give it to someone else" so as I got off at my home stop I gave it and my other bag of candy to two passengers near me. The JW's were gone, good riddance if I may say. 

Ron and I were so "bad" they actually had us on the do not visit list. I would ask questions like why did I have to have them teach me and could they read me James 1:5 and explain how it said I would be taught by God as I studied?  Etc.  So they don't like my house but I still encounter them. 

That said I sure MANY feel that way about me and my booklets. I am certain. But I will keep going. 

Then I had to lug home 10 pounds of dead cow hanging off my shoulder because I thought I didn't "need" my hand cart 😂 today.  

I have been battling a bad headache for a while and will go lie down for a bit. 

Making lemonade (very early Saturday)

 Well last night STARTED well then some neighbor decided to play loud music starting around 2. I don't know who; I don't know where.  I ask God (not daily) to give me more empathy and make me less cranky; I thought how I played my music louder than normal the first couple months after Ron died (you could hear it outside my house but I don't think neighbors could hear it in THEIR house, in my case).  That's the kind of thing that would get Ron very upset but I just said hell with it and got up at 3.  

So I washed and boiled my menstrual cup (no cycle this week but it was nice to be on guard, you have to boil and wash the things on the regular or you can get a nasty infection), started some laundry, made tea. 

I plan to work my budget and then trim my insoles for my new/old shoes and then take my shower, do my God Time, figure out when the grocery store opens.  I don't need to buy much as I went ahead and bought most of it at work last night. But I could use a block of cheese and maybe some fruit and vegetables.  

I have been feeling like Spotty isn't really included in my life and have been working to fix that.  Sleeping with him in his (Ron's) room on my day off, more petting, encouraging him to come in my room.  I am messy and prefer to have my dresser drawers open so he likes to sleep in with the underwear, he started doing that again.  Sometimes he throws a pair on the floor getting comfortable which I always find funny.  I'm not THAT messy.  

I was bad and did not text my friend or my aunt when I got home last night so I had worried texts when I got up.  But probably the only thing worse than not texting would be texting them back at 4 am saying I did get home OK. I will let them know later but my aunt probably checked the blog.  

But I'm going to get a lot done today.  I went to bed pretty early so I think I got about 6-7 hours of sleep so I ought to be good for a while. And I will get a nap with Spotty later.  

I got my schedule, I work on Ron's graduation day (March 6).  I think I will be OK based on holidays so far this year,  Christmas was OK, New Years (New Years was a big one for us for quite a while), Valentine's day, so I think graduation day will as well.  I will work very hard not to have a running narrative of March 6, 2021 with my coworkers and customers. 

That's it for now I will try and post before I go out.  I would go out even if I didn't need anything because it is important to get out of the house on my day off.  I do better around people. 

Yes, I bought a date night dress with nowhere to wear it and no one to wear it for

 While cutting through the clothing section I saw this dress.  

I thought about it at work and decided to try it on after I clocked out.  

I am a Misses 16 now as evidenced by the black jeans in the second photo,which fit perfectly (Time and True Curvy fit High Waisted jean which I bought with a love offering from a friend at work). I am a Juniors 17 in No Boundaries Juniors size at work as evidenced by the 3 pair of "mom jeans" I got a few weeks ago and wear regularly. So I got a 15/17 and a 19.  

I have a motto, try on the large size first, saves a lot of pain.  The large size fit well and it was only $13 so I got it, along with the black jean.  We also had a natural/cream colored jegging I had been eyeing (seen in photo between teal jeans and black jeans) .  I tried on the 16/18 and it looked awful and tight.  I tried on the 20 and I looked like a sausage about to burst out of the casing.  So I hung that back up for some luckier woman to buy.  

Work itself was pretty uneventful. My boss brought donuts so I ate a couple.  I should not have but I did.  I did bring a salad to eat at work along with my keto sandwich.  I took my lunch early so there would not be drama about covering for me.  It worked.  

I bought most of my groceries at work on my way out.  I also got more of the litter the cats like so much.  I got plain whole fat greek yogurt for Cleo and I to share.  I got sliced cheese, sandwich meat, and keto bread. I got a can of salmon and some tuna.  I got a big thing of organic salad greens with a good sell by date.  I got some Omega 3 capsules and some ginger root, I hope the Omega 3 will help with my heart, depression, and joints.  Ginger root I hope will help with digestion and joints.  Then I checked out.  

Jack brought me home.  I called my parents and then came here, after I take my supplements I plan to stay up for a bit and then go to bed.  

That's it for now.  

Friday morning

 Work went OK yesterday there was some drama with me getting my lunch as "someone needed to cover".  But I got it and while on my lunch I found the shoes: 

And bought them after trying them on.  I got these insoles to go with them I put them in all my work shoes.  

They are $5 at Walmart. Last 6 months.  

So that was a productive lunch, then my buddy came in it is always good to see her.  She took over for me when I left.  

Ride home was OK at first it was cold but not windy.  But by the time I got off the first bus it was very gusty, buffeting winds and not fun at all, overcast, damp, very cold and windy.  I am definitely getting a ride home today.  

The way I saw it yesterday I could buy the shoes or pay for a ride home.  

Got home and the cats were good, talked to Mom and Dad. He loves to grill I told him it's his Texas roots (born and raised in Texas).  They are active with friends which makes me very happy.  

I got to bed early and slept OK in spite of the insane amounts of caffeine I had consumed.  I woke up with  a migraine and had two doses (total) of Excedrin and en entire 6 pack of Diet Dew 16.9 ounce bottles trying to beat it back.  I did. Not something I am proud of though. 

Two photos of me today.  One is more flattering.  But I don't hate where I am; I just remind myself every pound lost is a pound less on my back, hips, knees,and feet.  

I get a lot of compliments when I wear bright colors.  And today I am matching Ron's room.  

That's it for now.  

Thursday morning

 This one will have to be short. I was surprisingly functional considering how little sleep I had and put in a good day's work. 

Came home on the bus. The shoes I had admired were sold so that, I figured, was my answer.  My salad mix is bad, it's a mix of red and green lettuces.  The red ones are all bad. I was really disappointed.  I will see what kind of ready to eat vegetable offerings we have at work today. 

The cats are going crazy for the crystal litter and doing everything in there now. I will have to buy more; plan is to pay for a ride home from work on Friday night and get some then. It is not heavy, or expensive.  I got the Vibrant Life brand if it matters. 

We had a cold front come through this morning and it also brought a nasty headache.  I am functional but am going to try to see what we have at work in the "lemon pie" department. The actual lemon pie we sell is way too crumbly and would mess up my clothes but I'm sure they have something else. 

I have been eating sandwiches on keto bread and weight is steady at 183 so I feel OK having that on the regular now. I think it was the sweet potatoes and milk that were getting me. I will try adding a little milk next week. 

That's it for now. 

I slept a little

 Now up and at 'em for work. 

I am staying away from Dew Zero from now on, there are worse things than aspartame!  

In the middle of the night

 Can't sleep, more on that later.  

So I went to work.  Jack was having a hard time worst I've seen him in months. Losing someone is a lot like being gutted and expected to walk around with half your vital organs. I felt really bad for him. 

Side note: one reason we would never make it he has very liberal politics, I do not. 

Over 30 years ago I had a very bad suicidal depression (probably in my top 5) on Valentines day I just wanted to die. It was ghastly. So I always feel bad for others.  Someone out there is going through the same thing. That was 1992 and less than a month later I met Ron, by the way. 

I figured the team leads would bring in treats, Walmart would spring for a sheet cake, etc. I felt a little silly buying a bag of Dove Caramels (they were out of snickers).  But I was the only one. My coworkers were very reluctant to try Dove Chocolate vs.snickers so I had plenty for both shifts. I was glad I had brought the chocolate. 

Work was pretty uneventful.  The other lady did not come back.  Did she push it back herself?  We got lectured about overtime and how they don't have any so maybe they told her to wait.  As her best friend told me during lunch "She can't do much". So I did my thing. 

I started working on a migraine so I got a six pack of Dew Zero (advised to by the Pepsi guy) and a two pack of donuts and had that,it worked on the migraine but here I am up at 1:30 in the morning. I get paid this morning but I haven't got the email yet.  

I am debating getting some shoes I saw at work. They are a pastel pink and I don't wear a lot of pastels so I don't want to leap into anything. 

I did not start my cycle but I had the cup inserted properly.  I think I will wear it while working this week just in case my cycle does show. 

My only big plan for "my"money is paying the gas bill. The cats are using the crystal litter (a lot!) so I am very happy about that, may buy some more after work but not sure. 

That's it for now. 

Tuesday evening

 Well, the cats don't like Brie. 

I got some on the markdown rack last weekend (addicted to the markdown rack!) and just tried it tonight.  Do I eat the rind?  I did, it was good.  Cats were interested so I let them have a sniff but they didn't want any.  

Work was pretty busy as you'd expect and there were a lot of people selling stuff by the side of the road on my way home.  I had thought about buying myself a balloon, that would have been fun, but I just knew poor Cleo would be terrified of it so of course I'm not bringing that into the house.  

One year Bubba cat brought me a dead rat for Valentine's day, or Mother's day, I forget. I did not get any "gifts" from the cats so I was happy.  

Interestingly enough every woman at work wore some version of red today. I fit right in.  Jack was having a hard time though. 

I had a good day. I still believe in true love and happy endings. I want other people to be happy. Personally, I am OK being solo for now. 

I saw a really cute pair of sneakers for $20 at work today I may buy them tomorrow when I get paid. We will see. 

That's it for now. 

Happy Valentine's Day!

 Not depressed but not motivated getting up.  Did get up, bagged up some candy for Jack.  It's going to be tough for him today the first V-day without his wife. Then I bagged up some candy for the drivers. 

Took a shower, did my Bible study, made up my lunch. I know I am wearing my medium wash skinny jeans but what top?  It will be in the 70's today so I don't need long sleeves.  I have a couple of "dings" (small bruises) on my arm from work related stuff no biggie but not really crazy about showing that off. 

I had a feeling I should wear the cup today so I will, if nothing else it will be good practice for when I do have a cycle.  If I do... I'm at the age where they stop.  

Better get dressed. 

That's what I went with today.  My poor doctor had a hard time talking about Ron (he brought Ron up).  An unbeliever sees death very differently - for them it is the end of a person.  For me it is a temporary separation, in the meantime all Ron's problems have melted away and he is perfect. 

We aren't married in Heaven though, I believe we will be very close to everyone up there. 

That's it for now. I plan to get some sort of treat before work but not sure what.  For my coworkers I mean. 

A trip to the doctor

 My guy picked me up on time and off we went.  Traffic was bad around the doctor's office as we both expected.  I paid him for the ride there and he waited while I ran in the building.  

There was a wait as expected but this time pretty "normal" type people in the waiting room; a yuppie-type woman, a mother with 3 boys of varying ages, a mother with a tween girl (Doc enjoys helping kids before they get stuck with labels and shoved down the wrong road), a man in coveralls and work boots,and me. I wore skinny jeans and my "thug cats" t shirt with a navy hoodie. 

Doc was happy to see me. Did not say a word about my appearance or weight loss.  Maybe he forgot how big I used to be but I suspect he went to a continuing medical education seminar about "harassment" and "don't ever comment on a woman's body" so he said I seemed to be doing well and that was it. I gave him my test results (he did not get the fax), he looked it over and said it looked great, how was I doing, etc. We agreed to keep me taking everything I am now and I told him about my allergy medications. I also gave him a copy of my DNR as he is the closest thing I have to a primary. 

When I finished the man in the coveralls was coming out at the same time and held the door for me, very nice. I got back out to the cab and asked if he would mind running by my favorite taqueria if I called in an order. He said "Not a problem" in his characteristic manner (this guy is completely unflappable) and I did just that (he did not want any takeout), we got my food on the way home. 

I got home, ate, and took my pills. I laid down with Spotty for a while and woke up with a headache.  Not Spotty's fault, I think it is the medication.  I took some Excedrin and laid down with Biscuit in my bed. 

Now I need to do dishes and do some cooking so I have meals this week. That's it for now.  The cab fare wasn't cheap but Doc stated again I only need to do this once a year. And I gave a very generous tip in addition to what we agreed on. 

Monday morning

 I slept OK last night but the bed was crowded with cats. That's my kind of problem.  

I don't know if I'll remarry and it is not a goal of mine,if that makes sense,but IF I do?  I am going to have to get a king sized bed. Even with  an average sized guy - there's no room.  Don't know how I'll cram it in the bedroom it is not large, and the way it's configured the bed can only go one place.  

Got my shower with the good soap, sprayed on a little body mist.  It will mostly fade pretty soon. Ride comes in about an hour. 

 All set...

Another post when i get back.  

Some about natural medicine

My "good" grandmother was a librarian.  When I was about 13 one day she took me to the bookstore and said I could get whatever book I wanted.  I got "The Herb Book" by John Lust. I read it from cover to cover again and again.  

I was always interested in natural medicine and that began a love affair that lasted almost 2 decades. Ron called me his "Witch Doctor"because I could generally advise a remedy.  He wouldn't drink teas but he would take capsules so I did things like give him Milk Thistle for his psoriasis. 

It worked very well, but after the accident he was in a C-collar for weeks as they checked to make sure he did not have any fractures or damage. I think they also waited to do the MRI because he was very fragile and they didn't want him "crashing" during the procedure. So he was in there a couple weeks, when they took it off he had a terrible outbreak. He looked like his skin was peeling off (he had a reaction to the plastic) and the medical peeps kept asking me how we managed it at home.  I would tell them and they would say "What?" and give him steroids. 

Of course my illness progressed and life was untenable.  I tried "natural" antidepressants which made me manic. I stopped all that, gave up on natural medicine, and found good old pharma came to the rescue. 

I slowly started adding back some natural things but don't touch anything for mood except my pharmaceuticals. 

So today you will find a lineup on my counter...

But first I laid down with Spotty for a while, had a very good time. Then the neighbor made some noise, he growled, and ran off to protect me. I got up.  

I made some black tea mixed with green tea, enhanced with lemon slices and fresh ginger. I made one tea with just ginger and lemon. I made one tea with Dandelion root (detox), ginger, and lemon.   They should help me detox. 

All the commercially available "Detox"teas I have found are actually laxative. I don't want a laxative my bowels are fine. I just want to get the poison out of my system. 

Oh I just had a freakout. I smelled something burning and realized it is a neighbor's Super Bowl BBQ. 

That's it for now. 

Going to lie down with my headache...

 And saw this...

So I will be sleeping in Spotty's room. 😂

Sunday morning

 So doing the laundry I washed the cloth pads. Hung them up this time on a hanger with clips and they dried a lot faster.   Good tip. 

The last time I had light spotting I then had a pretty heavy standard cycle 2 weeks later so I have to anticipate I will have something this week.  Then I had another cycle 3 weeks later (last time) so that could happen,too. I do tend to drop some weight when I have a cycle so I am actually OK with this.  Short version it could happen anytime so I will not be wearing my light wash jeans any time soon! 

The "ribs" smell good I am going to have one for breakfast in a minute. Pretty hard to go wrong with a crock pot. I was also down half a pound this morning so I am happy about that. 

Cats are good,  they slept with me and Biscuit hogs the bed but that's OK.  Cleo is more polite and Spotty doesn't sleep with me. I am OK with that. 

I would like to wash the sheets but the bed is full of cats so I will have to wait. 

I also need to figure out my budget. But first I am going to make some tea, shower, and do my God Time. I am really happy I got that soap yesterday I was hoarding my little 1/3 of a bar of the Dove.  I could afford it but no one had it in stock. 

The short ribs were good enough I scalded my fingers in the juice digging out tender chunks of meat that fell apart in my hand.  So I would say the recipe is a go. The amount of liquid smoke is good, it enhances but does not over power. 

I plan to relax a little and then tackle mopping the floor. Take a nap after that. Then try on my outfits for tomorrow and get opinions (will post photos, I have 2 pairs of jeans I am debating)

That's it for now. 

Saturday night

 I took a nap, I had a little trouble because Biscuit didn't want to move from his spot in the center of my bed. I had all 3 cats in the bed though for a while which was nice. I dropped off OK, had horrible dreams, woke up with a headache.  

It is better now. I brewed up some tea with black tea, green tea, ginger root, and lemon to help me detox from the soda.  I am also doing some laundry. 

I figured out my beef stock is still good so I'm going to use that with the "short ribs" which are not in fact ribs but a cut of meat above the rib cage on the cow. If I am not mistaken it is more "armpit"steak. 😂  At $4 I will play with it. Everything has come out tasty when I cook it in my crock pot. 

I am tired I may lie down again. I did and had a nice cuddle with Cleo but did not sleep. 

If you asked Texas to send me sign up forms I got them?   I am assuming you would want to know. 

I got the short ribs started. Here's the recipe if they turn out good I'll post (cooking them overnight in the crock pot)

1 pound beef short ribs

1 cup beef stock with:

(1 T liquid smoke

1 T apple cider vinegar)

3/4 cup chopped onion 

2 garlic cloves (peeled of course)

1/4 t each salt and pepper

Crock pot liner goes in first, then onions and garlic, arrange short ribs and sprinkle with salt and pepper. Pour stock mixture over ribs, cover, cook on low heat 8 hours. We will see. They look very meaty. 

$4 I figured I would take a chance on an unknown cut of meat. Eventually I want to get a smoker and get to making my own barbeque.  Yum.  Even though smoked meat is supposed to be "bad" for you and full of carcinogens. I will do some research. I may get a smoker with some of my refund check.  

First on the list is some electrical work in the house. The house gets all the money. I remember one awful Christmas we had sink troubles ended up costing us over $600 all our money for presents and the plumber whistled the whole time. I bet he did. 

Anyway I need to install 2 overhead lights in different rooms, replace the fixture over the dining room table (a third job), and then replace the ceiling fan in the front room.  That won't be cheap but my guy will be more than fair. That's the big plan this year if I get anything back. 

I will put up pictures when that happens. 

It will also make for a better morning "selfie"photo. 😂  Which is reason enough to do it right there,right?  

Almost done with laundry looking forward to that. 

I need to come up with a policy on food cheats. Like "I will have 2 cheat a week" or something. Because the "here and there" is adding up and I don't want to look like I used to. I will ask God for guidance on that.  

That's it for now. 

My trip to the groceries

 I got out of the house early.  I had my rolling cart with me.  I encountered a loose husky dog but it was well fed and didn't bother me. As I came up on the bus stop I saw 1. The homeless man was there.  2.  Someone was getting off the bus.  I ran, waving one arm in the universal signal for "I want to ride the bus" 😂 and he waited for me.  I got to the store and found a large pack of the Dove Sensitive. I love the soap but they don't have it in the big pack at my store, and I like to have "some" stock on hand. So that will be a 4 month supply. I was really happy about that.  I also found some beef short ribs, boneless, on the markdown bin for less than $4 a pound so I got them too. I left and went to the other store.  

Having my big hand cart with me I knew I was a target for Asset Protection at the stores, that I was being watched on camera and likely followed, but I don't steal so it didn't matter. I was happy, I found where they keep the fancy cheese at the one store and they had some Brie on markdown.  I like Brie.  My plan is to get off work, come home, have a little bit of fancy cheese and some berries while talking to Mom and Dad. 

At the other store the organic salad mix had excellent fresh codes so I was very happy. They did not have the bags of caramels I hope they come back. They did have Pinata mix and my challenging boss is addicted to the pink lollipops that come with it. So I was glad I had that at least. 

I had a very short wait on all my buses today which was nice, got home alright. I do need to get a smaller cart, when we got an old man with a walker I got off the bus, he got on, then I got on after him so he could sit easily.  

It was cold and windy but it is getting sunny now. 

When I came home I watched Spotty in the litter box I was hoping to transition to Feline Pine but it was obvious he hated it, he got out and peed in the Tidy Cats clumping litter box.  The other night at work I bought a bag of Vibrant Life Crystal litter so I dumped out the pine mess and cleaned it,put the crystal litter in.  We will see what they think of that. I like it because it doesn't erupt a huge dust cloud any time I touch it like the Tidy Cats. 

That's it for now. 

Very early Saturday

 I decided not to stress about work.  I have another project this weekend.  I remember very clearly Black Friday I bought a six pack of Diet Dew and drank the whole thing during my shift.  That started me back on the diet soda addiction.  I need to stop that so going cold turkey this weekend.  I already woke up with a bad headache (detoxing) but it is better now.  It should be interesting.  

Slept pretty well in spite of the headache and spent about half an hour after I woke up petting Cleo in bed. She loves to sleep with me and get attention when I am laying down,but feels unsafe if I am standing up.  So I obliged her with lots of petting and nice talk telling her what a nice, pretty, girl she is and how she is my favorite (only!) girl.  She has come a long way and turned in her feral card but is a little quirky at times.  That's why I told God that's my test, if He wants me to remarry she will get in his lap. Because she runs and hides if I am on the phone or anyone comes over. 

So next up I go to the grocery store.  

Oh and some pictures. 

This is me 7 years ago, what do you think?  

This was me yesterday 

I'm going to get ready to go; I want to be out there early. 

Friday night

 Work was pretty busy which I expected with Valentine's day coming.  When I got hired there were some other women doing my job. One went out on leave last year for a medical issue (she is elderly, and obese, a very bad combination).  My boss told me today she is coming back so I will likely lose hours as a result. 

So there's that. Also my boss has held me to a very high standard saying things like "I want you always moving".  She can't do that.  So, at best, I will be doing her share of the work. But she gets paid more. 

Enough about that. My app logged me out (I was expecting it) at a very inconvenient time when I was trying to do my work and help a customer while 2 coworkers had a very loud conversation nearby. But God helped me get logged in again. 

I made it home on the bus. I am sitting in front of my little space heater while I do a load of laundry. Later on I'm going to bag up some candy. But the big plan is going to work early.  

That's it for now.  

On lunch

 Tired.  Still have a couple hours to go and then my bus ride...

Friday morning

 Last night was crazy, my relief had a doctor's appointment and management didn't know about it. I only found out by texting her so it was very chaotic the last half hour. Hopefully she comes in today. 

It is my actual Friday today so I need to figure out what I'm doing tomorrow.  Sleeping in with the cats sounds good.   I need to do a fridge inventory tonight and figure out what groceries I need tomorrow; I know I am good for block cheese but other things are a question mark. I'll get that when I get home.  

Yesterday one of my bosses had an encounter with a customer who shoved past her and she was pretty shaken up.  She went home early. So I don't know if she is coming  in today.  The other boss (the critical one) will be there today but I will keep reminding myself it is my Friday.  

It is supposed to be "blustery" for my ride home from work, and cold (40-50F) so I wore long underwear under my jeans. Top half I have a cute thermal top, a fleece jacket, and my heavy oversized jacket on top of that for coming home. Hopefully that will work. 

That's it for now. 

At work

 A while back I bought some patchouli oil and lost it.  Had a customer smothered in the stuff today, I could taste it.  Awful.  Got a headache from it not that I think she would care.

Other than that I am having a good day.

Thursday Morning

 I had too much caffeine yesterday battling depression and a headache. So I didn't sleep well last night. Work was pretty uneventful. 

When I got home I found the gas bill in the mailbox it was only $60 which was great. My summer numbers tend to run around $30-$40. So I was happy about that, and I can pay it after I get paid which is even better.  

I paid the electric bill this morning, they changed the online payment a little but I was able to do what I wanted. So that's set. I wouldn't be blogging without electricity. 

It rained yesterday, pretty hard, so I took a ride home. The street floods when we get heavy rain and it is impossible to get to the bus stop even after the rain has stopped sometimes. I bought some cat food and litter while I was there, and some candy to make "Valentines" for my coworkers. I think that will be fun, everyone gets a little bag of candy. I will have to do separate bags as some of the co workers are greedy and will eat an entire bag of fun size Snickers if I leave it unattended. 

I got the little candy hearts, I like those even though a lot of people don't, and I think they're fun. And that's something I can eat unlike most of the chocolate confections out there. I will talk more about these when I make them up. 

I haven't weighed myself yet I'm going to go do that. Yay!  183 much better! I figured I just needed to trim some carbs and calories, I was right. 

I have issues with being hungry it brings back VERY bad memories so I have to balance that with limiting calories enough to lose weight. But I brought smaller snacks, did not bring the milk and sweet potato I was doing. That seems to be doing it. Hopefully I can at least get down to 180 by the time I see Doc Monday. 

Let's see what the app is doing. It times me out every month or so I am about due to re log in. Still working so far. 

Shower time.   Ready to go to work. 

I haven't been able to beat the diet soda addiction and planning to get more before work and drink them through the day like I have all week. At least it isn't stalling my weight loss and I was drinking them before (the week before) my blood test so not overtly hurting me.  But I need to work on that.  

No photo today but I will do one tomorrow.  

That's it for now. 

Going to bed early.

 Will do a long post tomorrow before work.  

Wednesday morning

 Well work went OK.  Today my big work goal is to set up my insurance if at all possible. My family members are freaking out about that. 

I remember after Ron's accident his family kept saying "They" "had to" send Ron to brain injury rehab because that had happened with a distant relative. I finally reminded them Ron did NOT have insurance and they would be sending him home as soon as they could. And shortly after that the insurance companies successfully lobbied to get out of paying for brain injury rehab. 

Anyway I am resentful about it because it will be money out of my check and the policy won't pay for anything anyway. But I "have" to have it because that's what a responsible citizen does...

Should rain today so I may pay for a ride depending on how bad it is coming home. My keyboard is really bad this morning so that's it for now. 

At work

 Really depressed today.  Unmotivated.  Hoping it gets better when I head back from lunch.

Drastically cut my carbs so hopefully I will see some bloat loss.

Tuesday morning

 I had a lot of caffeine yesterday and did not sleep well last night.  But I 100%  blame myself. 

Sunday, after I found it, I washed off my menstrual cup and tried it out, it still works.  Sadly the maker is out of business which is a shame as it seems like a very nice product. So last night before I went to bed I washed it again in mild unscented soap and boiled it, then air dried and put back in it's little bag in the bathroom. 

So I have cloth pads, regular disposable pads, menstrual cup, tampons I should be set for whatever comes. And let's not forget I work at a Walmart even if I DIDN'T have a stash of tampons in my bag. Of course this last period may literally be the last one, I don't know. 

The women I know who are willing to talk about their bodies all had hysterectomies.  The women who transitioned naturally either don't want to talk or are no longer with me (birth Mom). All I know about my birth Mom is that her cycles were very erratic for years, she would go months and months without a cycle and then have one.  That is all I've got. I haven't really done that yet it is more skip a month here and there and up to skipping about 4 a year so far according to my records. So we'll see.  

I'm writing about this because I would love to read about someone else's experiences as NO ONE WANTS TO TALK.  So I'm talking. 

I plan to get some more Diet Dew this morning but I don't plan to drink it all like I did yesterday.  I will put half in my locker. 

I also need to get a new Powerade Zero and drink that as I have apparently lost my empty bottle that I used for water.   And my meds, especially the allergy ones, make me very thirsty.  

The cats are good.  I love it when Biscuit sleeps with me.  The other cat (a frightened, skinny, gray and white tabby) came around last night so he went out and beat it up again.  It really wants to join the family and is very skinny, but as I told Biscuit "I can't afford another cat" so he ran it off.  It is funny he welcomed Mama cat and the kittens but runs off every other cat. 

I guess because Mama and the kittens were really desperate. He loves Spotty and Cleo and everyone gets along great, which is why I tell people at work I want the impossible: a man who loves cats but does not have any, because integrating 2 cat families is VERY difficult.  That's assuming there is a man and I am OK if there isn't.  

I'm a lot, brain damage, mental illness, can't drive, terrible housekeeper, cook the same 5 things again and again, etc.  Of course there are a lot of pluses I am a woman of faith, live a quiet life, hard worker, not a dependent personality (I can get myself around just fine), not bad looking, care about my health, etc. So we'll see. 

I still have 3 years on my dating thing and I am sticking to that. The guy who helped me with my phone at work,was very good natured about it, I get him a certain Gatorade he likes when I go to Kroger.  It is only sold at Kroger which is kind of a big deal when you ride the bus (he does).  So I bring him one a couple times a month that is it. Because he is nice to me and he didn't have to help.  I am not at all interested in Jack and I am sure the feeling is mutual. Neither of us wants to mess up a good business arrangement.  I will talk to just about anyone especially at work. 

But it's shower time so let's do that. When I get back I will talk about a recent slide into cheats and how that has me up to 186 now.   I have decided to cut out the cheats, sweet potato, and milk and see where that gets me.  I can stop "this" now before it gets really bad like in years past. 

That's it for now. 

Monday night

 Well my born again rapture believers are going to find this telling: ATM at work was empty this morning, no cash.  I was able to get my cab fare/doctor fee out later but it was disturbing and reminded me of Ron's "Mark of the Beast" lecture.  

Work was fine.  I also got some fun sized snickers for the doctor's staff when I go next week.  I figured it would all be gone by the end of the week if I didn't get it today.  

I got off on time, ran by the ATM and got the cash, escaped the building.  I caught the bus on time.  It was very crowded.  

Now,  back in the day, if they pulled up on a bus stop and there was a person in a wheelchair they would make several people in the front move to make room for the person, stop, lower the lift, the whole circus.  

Now (and this has happened 2-3 times) they pull up on the stop, open the door, shout "I'm full" and drive off. Not sure what the ADA would say about that but that's what I see and makes me glad I am not the person in a wheelchair.  

To be honest Ron loathed riding the bus in his wheelchair as it was too hard on his back.  We only did it a few times for a Bible handout.  I know there are other options for the person in a wheelchair but what about "Wow I could really go for some fried chicken today"?   Paratransit trips have to be planned at least 1 day in advance.  

But I got to my transfer point and caught my bus home.  I am glad I figured out a shortcut stop. If I get off my first bus before it goes to the transit center, I can catch the second bus AFTER it leaves the transit center. Whereas before I would have missed it every time. 

I was very happy with my hair today using the Suave keratin shampoo and conditioner. I used that Sunday and it was still clean and nice today. I will have to get some more. I liked it before I just decided to cheat on it with the fruit shampoo. 

Cycle is whack.  I had literally one drop 3 days in a row and then nothing.  So, last time I did this I had a huge flood 2 weeks later. Or maybe this is the end of the line.  Who knows.  

I do have a decent stash of cloth pads I will just wear one of those every day as they are a lot more comfortable than disposables, and I can wash and reuse. 

That's it for now.  

Monday morning

 I slept OK last night.  

Saturday I found a very nice medium duffel bag, in purple, in my garage. It had fun things like adult diapers,a menstrual cup (worked), and some toiletries in it. I tried the shampoo and conditioner and it worked great yesterday so I don't need to wash my hair today. 

And my shower will be much nicer today as I cleaned it out yesterday.  So I'm off to do that.  

I can't figure out what my body is doing, the last time I had very light spotting I had a full blown cycle two weeks later.  So I guess I just bring everything. 

It is very confusing. But at this stage I do have the natural estrogen and other hormones which help with weight loss.  

I am very glad all my blood test numbers were so great. 

That's it for now.

Sunday morning

 It's not often I "sleep" depressed with it smothering me like some sort of serial killer, tossing and turning to evade it but I can't because it's everywhere like a poisonous fog. Woke up feeling even worse. 

Figured #1 order of business was getting the cats fed, then took all my morning pills (allergy treatments, multivitamin, and antidepressant), had some caffeine and back to bed. I hung out with the cats for a while, tip of the hat to both Biscuit and Cleo for being cuddle cats and Biscuit in particular purred very loudly at me, knowing I felt bad.  

Eventually I got up, went to the bathroom, splashed some cleaner in the toilet after I flushed (plan to clean toilet later). I went through the carry-on size purple luggage I found in the garage yesterday and felt gut punched when I found several of Ron's pull up disposables wrapped up (unused) in a plastic bag. That dates the bag to sometime between 2016 and 2020. That was hard to see those again. 

I also found my menstrual cup and I got it in some boiling water, I will "try" that later today. I am just spotting now but I don't trust it. My cycle I mean.  

Ideally I will lose all the weight (down to 165) before I hit menopause and then go full menopause before I meet/marry anyone so I don't have to worry about birth control.  I feel better about hitting menopause knowing my (blood count) numbers are so good for heart disease risk.  Menopause does increase your risk for heart attack as my birth mother found out.  And, I hear, it makes it harder to lose weight so I would rather get this "off" before that happens.  

I am going to take my shower.  

Just a quick note before I do my God Time.  Got the cup in we will see what is going on with that tonight.  I also used one of my "light" cloth pads. 

One of my friends has a really fun ministry where they throw small New Testaments and other evangelism material off Mardi Gras floats during parades.  I may look into going out there (Mississippi) next year and helping out for a few days. They said they would love to have me. That would be fun. 

Just finished cleaning the shower enclosure. I think I killed, like, 3 species of mold in there. I can't remember the last time I cleaned it and boy was that depressing every morning. I also did 90% of the toilet, I scrubbed out the ring with my pumice and used the cleaner, scrubbed that and letting it sit. now I just need to scrub again in 10 minutes and flush. That's 80% of the bathroom work right there.  I just need to get around the sink but that will be harder as I have all my junk up around the sink.  

The cup did not bother me with all the bending and scrubbing so I apparently still remember how to insert it properly.  

That's it for now.  

Saturday afternoon

 I guess I should start this off with making the anniversary ring when Ron and I hit 10 years together. I mailed my engagement ring with it's adorable little diamond to a nice lady who took it out and put it in a band with garnets and sapphires. She put an "alexandrite" stone in the engagement setting.  

In 2012 I went on a Bible handout in a very bad area.  I had cardboard boxes of Bibles with my shipping address on them.  There were gang members and drug dealers at the corner watching us closely.  I was lazy after I finished, the gas station had these nice big trash cans, so I mashed down the boxes with my name and address and put them in the cans as we left. 

A few days later we were robbed but I had, for some reason,separated all my jewelry into several "families" and hid them various places. 

In 2019 I had the pipe break and an emergency pack-out of all my things except a few I held back. I did not think about my jewelry and still have not found the anniversary band. But, working in the garage today I did find my engagement ring setting with the alexandrite stone. I also found a ring I am very fond of, a gold ring with a (fake) heart shaped ruby surrounded by (fake) diamonds.  Ron got it for me some years back.  I also found my silver ring with the purple garnet and 2 (fake) sapphires. So I am pretty happy. 

I got up this morning, checked my email.  No test results.  I took my shower and did my God time,went to the high-end grocery store.  They had a special on laundry detergent 2 for 1. I got the special.  That is a lot of laundry detergent. I got a few other things and came home. 

I was upset, I had bought 2 muffins that appeared to be bran.  When I bit into it I tasted chocolate and realized the "raisins' were chocolate chips.  I am probably the only person I know who would be upset. I spit it out and gave the rest of my muffin to the parking lot birds. I gave the other muffin to my driver, who knew me and seemed pretty hungry. 

Just a bite of chocolate once provoked a violent, week-long migraine.  I still don't know how Ron took care of himself. 

I got home and found I had my test results, which were excellent.  I have NOTHING to worry about eating this way. I called Dad and let him know my triglycerides were in the 50's he was really happy to hear that.  He was very worried about me.  

I already did a post on my results so I won't bore you again.  I tried to take a nap but couldn't sleep, talked to my aunt. I went out in the garage to do some organizing and found my rings. Now I am relaxing.  I have a roast in the crock pot but I think I will have cheese melts for dinner and eat the pot roast tomorrow. 

That's it for now. 

Blood test results

 TLDR Triglycerides are a QUARTER what they were 2 years ago, at 54

All numbers were normal but a few.  

Cholesterol was 186

Triglycerides were 54 (2 years ago 208)

HDL was 72

LDL was 100 that was red flagged as being too high.  

Lithium was a little low but I took it at lunch the day before and not dinner.  I forgot until after I had taken it.  

A1C was 5.5 which is fantastic blood sugar news. 

Thyroid was OK

Fasting glucose was 112 which is high. 

All other numbers in normal range. 

Nap time!