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Showing posts from March, 2013

"How will he see?"

Ron and I have decided to work unconventional hours - when the customers are there.  They love to see us, hard at work, filling their vending machines. 

That includes at least one night a week, and Saturday.  So, today Ron and I haggled out the budget for merchandise, went to the store, and bought the inventory. 

Pretty uneventful, except I had Ron in his wheelchair.  I stacked the cases of merchandise on the arms of the wheelchair, it went a little over his head. 

One of the warehouse club employees got upset and asked me "How is he going to see?" 

He isn't!  Ever! 

I found it hysterical and laughed my butt off. I almost fell down.  Ron played "victim" and pleaded for rescue, which made me laugh even harder. 

I found it truly funny because she does know he is blind.  She just forgot he was blind, because he was in the wheelchair. 

People can fathom blind.  They can fathom wheelchair.  They can't fathom blind and in the wheelchair.  I found that very…

Budget

Well medicated, I have no problem sticking to a budget, setting a little aside for emergencies, new glasses, charity debits, etc.   Like I told Ron, my pay is essentially an allowance because my only "bills" are a couple of charity things. 

I finished paying off that old hospital thing last year.  Boy, that took forever.  I wouldn't have minded if I had felt like I got $1,300 worth of care.  I did not. 

I told Ron we probably need to cut my pay again; if it comes down to buying inventory or getting my "whole" check, I'm fine with getting less.  He didn't like the concept. 

I took $100 cut on each paycheck, starting last year.  Overall, I haven't really missed it.  I have found I am more deliberate in my spending. 

However, this post isn't about money.  I've been thinking about my energy level.  If I only have 5-6 hours of energy every day, how do I want to spend them?  How much gets allocated to work, housework, etc.  How much to fun? 

Coming to terms

My mood has been pretty good, a little manic but well managed by the lithium.  More like, a little mania sticking out from under the giant blob of lithium, in my head! 

That's good, my old manias were horrifying things, full of hatred, drama, hostility towards everyone, cats hiding from me, Ron fleeing from me and hiding in his room, paranoid, obsessive, hostile, and miserable. 

For a while, I wondered why God had allowed me to suffer so.  After all I'm a Christian.  I have endeavored to keep the 10 commandments and make pleasing Him my #1 job, since Ron's accident.  Why me? 

Days like today, I understand.  I pay a horrific price tag for sanity.  I have very limited energy.  I'm only "good" for about 4-5 hours a day.  Then I need a nap.  Then I'm sort of OK for another hour or so.  I have roaring attacks of the stupids.  I can't think.  My brain is full of pink fog.

I have a hard time even finding the words for what I want to say, at least when I&#…

Poulty Platter

I can't have a boring day. 

I try, I strive, for boring.  I never get it. 

It started off pretty tame, I slept in (day off, work tomorrow night).  I got up, took my shower.  I really like my hair.  I need to get a good photo and put it up. 

We went to Walmart.  I got another covered litter box. 

You see, I figured out, if I look at my entire list of chores I'll get depressed again, but I could, at least, vacuum the computer room and transition to the covered box, today.  That worked pretty well until my vacuum bag exploded. 

Now, my vacuum is old, about 12 years or so.  It cost me $40 back then.  It does a decent job getting junk off the carpets, but I don't run it very often.  I can't use the vacuum on the tile floors.  I have to sweep and then mop (and boy do I need to do just that!). 

I am generally pretty blase about my lack of housekeeping, but I will admit I am embarrassed to say, I don't know the age of the vacuum bag.  I think it just died of old age …

James 4:4

OK, I've got my kevlar. 

The Bible condemns the gay lifestyle, and by extension, gay marriage.  Not only in the Old, but the New Testament.  It is wrong. 

Therefore, I cannot say it is a right, good, thing.   I can't.  Sorry. 

Ron says it well "When God says it (gay lifestyle/marriage) is OK, I'll say it's OK." 

I'll let the Bible itself make my finishing statement. 

James 4:4 New King James Version (NKJV) 4 Adulterers and adulteresses! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Whoever therefore wants to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God.

Full Time

"Bipolar madness" - a good description. 

I'm used to manias, used to depressions, used to the psychotic, paranoid, wierd end of things.  I am not used to being manic and exhausted at the same time. 

When I am depressed, I'm always exhausted (unless I am having a mixed episode, up and down at the same time).  When I'm manic, I have more energy... wrong. 

This is a first, an exhausted mania.  Now, I do have a few theories. 

I'm taking a potent antipsychotic, and double the lithium I was taking a year ago.   90% odds that's it, right there, and I will just have to accept reduced functioning in exchange for better symptom control.  I am OK with that, and so is Ron.  He doesn't want me to "suffer" mentally. Take that, haters.  My nutrition is not great.  I am fat and eating a lot of sugar and refined carbs.  I need to work on that, and that is something I can actually address.  I can do nothing about #1, especially since the medication is work…

More broken

I haven't done anything for Broken, my online serial romance novel, in ages. 

However, I have written 4 more chapters if you're interested... the link is to the right. 

You probably left off at Chapter 7, scroll down and then work your way up, or you'll get spoilers. 

Have fun!  I plan to be more diligent in the future.

The next mania

"I almost hate a mania" I told Ron "I have energy, but not much, and I have to figure out how to spend it." 

That, my friend, is probably the biggest mania problem I face these days.  I don't get paranoid.  I stick to my budget.  I talk, and write, too much, but that's not always a bad thing. 

Today, I did my hair.  I spent my time and energy doing a henna treatment, which I like.  I'm glad I did it, something just for me. 

Tomorrow, I will have a partial Day Out.  I'll have a lot of fun, too. 

At some point, I'll work on housework, catching up, always catching up (I do housework every day, but sometimes need more).  I'll mow the backyard. 

And, eventually, the depression will hit again and I'll be back to figuring out how to use my next mania.

Anyone's burden

So, in a lot of ways today sucked, and in a lot of ways it didn't. 

I woke up with Bubba cat.  I had a migraine.  Bubba started to vomit in the bed as I started to vomit into my bucket. 

He went back to bed.  I went to work.  My lucky black cat. 

Ron got frustrated at one point when I told him I was feeling pretty dim.  I get frustrated when I realize he has no idea what it's like inside my head. 

Then, I often think, "He couldn't handle the truth".  It would enrage him to know how I suffer. 

I'm not getting the violin and playing "poor pitiful me" - I'm stating a fact. I do suffer.  I thank God for the medication that makes my life livable; that makes me fairly functional.  I don't want to be anyone's burden. 

Neither does Ron, which is one reason why I never, ever, throw his problems at him, or make him feel like a burden.  I may fight ugly but I won't fight dirty. 

When I'm angry, I just get a really nasty tone of voice…

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The receipt

If you're on Facebook, you probably saw the "reciept".  It purports to be a food stamp receipt, used to buy lobster and porterhouse steak.  Well, if it was, they must have been pretty small. 

So, then I read the usual rantings about "trash who abuse the system", etc. 

I'm a believer in the Bible, and I think a good verse applies:  "2 Thessalonians 3:10
For even when we were with you, we commanded you this: If anyone will not work, neither shall he eat. "

I work.  Ron works.  Neither of us "has to" - if we both got disability checks.  However, I don't believe in taking from the system if I have a roof over my head.  If things got drastic of course I'd apply for disability - I qualify twice over, once for the bipolar, and once for the Fetal Alcohol. 

Ron and I work because we want to.  Even if we could live off the system, we'd feel terrible about it. We wouldn't feel guilty (we are disabled), but worthless.  People - all p…

My Blog

The internet is an amazing creature.  If you want to find a blog about wife swapping, you can do that.  If you want to find a blog about atheism, you can do that.  If you want to find a blog about a "crazy", conservative Christian living with a severely disabled alcoholic, you can do that (tips hat). 

What I don't get, are people who want my blog to become a forum for views that conflict strongly with mine.  I think the most telling thing about the last comment I deleted - this person had portrayed himself as a "Christian" including a profession of faith in Jesus, yet the very last comment I deleted, said "I think 'Christians'" (as in, a group apart from me).  That's actually a trademark of Jehovah's witnesses. They put themselves out a "Christians", yet revile "Christendom". 

I have news for everyone out there.  If you seek God, you will find Him.  Spend time reading His Word - the Bible.  Ask Him to help you un…

Explicit Descriptions

By any standards, I was a sensitive kid.  I hated to see violence on TV, even though I was told, again and again, "It's fake".  I also cried when I saw the homeless people, sleeping on grates in the winter. 

Somewhere along the line, I toughened up.  I found myself, at one point, reading a completely obscene description of a 3-way between a woman, a vampire, and a werewolf in wolf form.  I finished the book, put it down, and thought "Do I want to read whatever comes after this?"  The series had progressed from mild kissing, to that.  Of course no one was married.  She couldn't commit to one man. 

I realized I was done with the series.  I threw them all away. 

So, that did it for the "explicit descriptions" as they term it in the talking book catalog.  "Contains strong langauge and explicit descriptions of sex".   I was done with any book with sex scenes. 

I did get a book at one point after Ron's accident.  I found it very helpfu…

Saturday

I can see why my doctor wants to run some blood tests.  My fatigue and brain fog are definitely affecting my life. 

I am able to work, though.  I got up at 5, did my God Time, went to the warehouse.  I got some supplies, drinks for Ron (Ron tends to manage the drinks end of the business), some snack items (they're going crackers for crackers), cookies, etc. 

Then we went to work.  I'm glad I have a strong body, if nothing else.  I had to do a lot of heavy lifting; with even more to come on Monday. 

Not complaining, it's my job.  At least I didn't sweat a lot today.  The Wellbutrin can make my face sweat profusely.  It looks like I'm on something illegal, or very stressed.  One customer patted my shoulder one day.  [grin]  I have some good customers. 

I saw some face antiperspirant at the store, apparently I would apply it to my face in the morning, like regular underarm antiperspirant.  I would definitely use that if I worked in food prep or an office type job.…

Scaring the salesman

"He's coming" I told the salesman as Ron lurched down our hall.  "You'd better hurry".   The man looked over my shoulder and began hurridly wrapping up his "Switch to us and bundle" speech. 

"Heather" Ron drawled ominiously "Do you need me to deal with him?  Is he bothering you?"  I snickered. 

"No, Ron, he's fine.  He was just leaving". 

"Did you give him a Bible yet?"  The guy paled and took a couple steps backward, then left. 

I have to laugh.  Poor salesman never knew what hit him.  He had come to tell us they were "upgrading" and noticed we weren't signed up for service. 

I had some bad times with the cable company.  I would only use them as the very last resort.  We have Direct TV, and love it.  If there is a problem, a nice man comes out the next day to fix it. 

I told him, no.  But they were upgrading, and...  "No.  I don't want anyone in my house and I like my curren…

Things will suck

This will be one my "religious" posts. 

So, let's start with actual Bible: 
Matthew 6:25-34 New King James Version (NKJV) Do Not Worry25 “Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?26 Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?27 Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature? 28 “So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin;29 and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.30 Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31 “Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or …

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Chain him to his desk!

"Chain him to his desk!" I exhorted. 
"We'll do that," he replied laughing "Thank you."  I thanked him and then we hung up. 

That was just the start of my day.  I slept in a little, hit the snooze a few times.  I always blame Bubba (the black cat).  He sleeps by my head at night.  It's almost impossible to tear myself away from his cuddles. 

I finally got up and took my shower.  As I got out of the shower, my bathrobe fell in the toilet.  That was completely disgusting.  Normally I am a bathrobe person.  I get out of the shower, put on the bathrobe, dry off my hair and my lower legs with a towel, and walk around in the very loud yellow bathrobe for several minutes until I dry off. 

I couldn't do that today, so I grabbed one of my purple towels.  My family like to give me dark lavender bath towels.  It's a popular color and one I love (I would adore a huge, purple bathrobe).  I got some purple towels for my wedding, and Mom and Dad sent…

Sin no more

Today, I burned the top of my head, completely ruined my cats, and had a good day off. 

It didn't start out well, me, depressed, in bed.  The headache showed up - the one I always get when I'm depressed and spending too much time in bed.  I got out of bed, took some pain killer (generic Excedrin), and got going. 

I hadn't washed my hair since Sunday, so I used the clarifying shampoo and conditioner.  I got the cheap stuff, but it works.  I hate having greasy hair when I'm depressed. 

I have a little something-something on my father's side, I'm not sure what exactly.  I do know I have a little Native blood.  I've only had 2 sunburns in my life, no matter how much time I spent in the sun.  I have high cheekbones, beautiful hair (I do love it), and oily skin and hair.  I do have short femurs.  It would have made me rather stout but I ended up 5 foot 7 (my Dad is well over 6 feet). 

Purebloods are boring, I think, and if you look at pets - the purebreds hav…

Better person

I slept in late and skipped my God Time.  I don't exactly feel like Christian of the year (I plan to get it in a little bit, after eating).  I was pretty worn out, all the running around and working this weekend. 

Self employed, I have to work when I'm selling.  If the machines are generating money, I have to stock them. In order to stock them, I have to buy inventory. 

At any rate, stepping away from the machines today, I felt pretty good, even though we still have a lot of people in the training class.  In fact, that leads me to something interesting. 

You have all seen me go on and on, ranting about "the guy who ran over Ron".  Well, today he came into *our* area.  He stepped right in front of Ron's handcart as he began to pull. 

I was "kneecapped" once for quite a while, when a "helpful" person shoved the handcart, at full momentum, into the back of my knee.  Praise God I didn't rip anything but I limped around for weeks. 

I had a…

Every inch of crazy

I thought I was pretty much done for the day. 

I was wrong. 

We came home after church, for a little while.  Ron took a nap.  You should have heard him snore.  Snoring doesn't bother me because my Dad always snored so loudly I could hear him through the wall (my childhood bedroom shared a wall with the master suite). 

When I ran off with Ron, the snoring was soporific.  It put me to sleep immediately.  That, and the sound of running water.  When we lived in Virginia, 6 of us shared one and a half bathrooms.  You can imagine the backup.  The older kids used to shower late at night, after I had gone to bed.  Running water always puts me out. 

Of course, since lithium is VERY diuretic the sound of running water (I have a noisemaker) also reminds me I need to urinate!  If I set mine on "rushing stream" I might as well sleep in the bathroom. 

So, we got picked up and went to the warehouse, during regular hours.  Ron and I usually go during business hours.  Everyone there…

The Talk!

Today was a little awkward for me. 

First, to back up.  When my friend found the post about Ron drunk and verbally abusive, on the blog, he told our pastor before coming to talk to us.  So, the pastor knows all our dirty laundry (what I put on the blog at least!). 

So, today, over a month later Pastor is preaching on Romans 2.   He quoted Luke 6:45, out of the fullness of the heart the mouth speaks... or writes, and sometimes it can be very ugly.  I sat, frozen, in my seat, my eyes stuck to my Bible. 

Hm.  That's a good point to remember.  I also think John 8:32 applies - the truth will set me free.  I don't think God wants me battling my demons and struggling without any human support.  I don't see Him that way. 

Does that mean I can/will watch my tone?   Yes, absolutely.  I don't need to share every humiliating detail; just share that Ron had a "hard time last night" or whatever. 

I'm glad I do try to live a moral life, free from overt sin.  I would…

Best thing ever

I don't do ads on my blog.  I think it takes away from the purity. 

However, now and then I find something awesome. 

Ron begged me to go with him, to get some fried chicken. 

He needed me to get into the store, etc.  He hasn't "done mobility" on that (where I teach him the layout of the store and how to get from A to B). 

At one point, I taught Ron how to walk over a pedestrian overpass, over a freeway, to get to a park he liked.  He's very clever. 

I told him I could go, and I did.  As long as I didn't have to eat the chicken (I am not a fan of chicken, if you ever have me over the worst dish ever would be chicken and onions), I'd be happy to go. 

So, we went.  Ron got a 4 piece.  I got a giant bucket of diet soda.  It had a handle on it.  I was thrilled. 

The chicken place shares a parking lot with a pet food store. 

Well, I thought, we can use some more cat treats.  I can't really go shopping, not with this headache, but I can get some cat …

Thank you in 3 languages

I spent most of last week laid up with an ongoing migraine.  I finally traced it to the white, extra-sharp cheddar cheese block.  I'd been snaking every day, because I love extra sharp cheddar.  However, it does not love me.  I will be rehoming it on Monday. 

I wasn't able to work.  That sucked.  Ron had planned to pay me Thursday, then Friday, and it didn't happen.  I didn't know,but they had a training class and the trainees were depleting the machines like a swarm of locusts.  I love the trainees, don't get me wrong, but my machines were emp-ty. 

So, I had to work today. 

I couldn't sleep last night.  If I come off cranky, remember I spent most of the night sleepless and hallucinating bugs.  I could feel them jumping on me, and biting me, except they weren't.  It was pretty miserable.  I think I forgot to take my Haldol. 

I went to the warehouse, got some supplies (would have gotten a lot of chips if I'd known the situation at work), and went to …

Has to offer

Yesterday, I ate some oatmeal rasin cookies.  Later on, I ate some sharp white cheddar (I adore sharp cheddar).  One of them did me in. 

Today, my one-day-off-all-by-myself, I woke up with a migraine.  Miserable. 

I got up, did my  God time, and took a shower.  I watched a little "Criminal Minds" (love that show) and went to bed. 

Ron asked me why I had yet to take my phenergan.  I told him I didn't know, but I did.  Taking it meant admitting I had a migraine. 

Sure enough, it put me under "enough" that I could rest, even though I had wierd dreams about the TV show.  I always have wierd dreams during a migraine. 

It was a lovely day, nice and sunny, beautifully mild, but I didn't dare go out.  Even if I were able, it's been my experience that migraines come back when I'm away from home.  Waiting on the bus with a migraine is a hell I hope you never experience.  Not to mention riding the bus - very loud. 

When I have a migraine, I have intense …