Saturday, March 30, 2013

"How will he see?"

Ron and I have decided to work unconventional hours - when the customers are there.  They love to see us, hard at work, filling their vending machines. 

That includes at least one night a week, and Saturday.  So, today Ron and I haggled out the budget for merchandise, went to the store, and bought the inventory. 

Pretty uneventful, except I had Ron in his wheelchair.  I stacked the cases of merchandise on the arms of the wheelchair, it went a little over his head. 

One of the warehouse club employees got upset and asked me "How is he going to see?" 

He isn't!  Ever! 

I found it hysterical and laughed my butt off. I almost fell down.  Ron played "victim" and pleaded for rescue, which made me laugh even harder. 

I found it truly funny because she does know he is blind.  She just forgot he was blind, because he was in the wheelchair. 

People can fathom blind.  They can fathom wheelchair.  They can't fathom blind and in the wheelchair.  I found that very upsetting after Ron's setback back in 2008 - the allergic reaction and neuropathy, that put him back in the wheelchair. 

People were always staring.  I got very paranoid when people did that. 

In fact, when I was a kid, going to the big city with my family now and then, I always stared at the homeless.  "Heather, don't stare" Mom would hiss "You don't know what kind of problems they have."  Meaning, mentally ill people DO NOT like staring children.  Good point. 

Now, I find it very funny to be on the other end of the staring.  Of course Ron doesn't care.  He's blind.  B a but people can't imagine a blind man in a wheelchair, so they have to stare at him for a minute. 

I didn't find it so funny at the time.  I'm sure there's a lot of raving floating around out there.  Now my meds are right, I'm tired, but I'm not paranoid any more. 

Anyway after that we went to work.  Even the driver laughed at Ron, loaded down, mock-pleading for "rescue".  "Senior abuse!  Blind man abuse!  Save me!" 

Ron can always make me laugh. 

We went to work and I stocked it.  I was very happy with my product mix - things the other vendor doesn't sell.  I have to offer them a reason to come to our area.  Our average customer walks by at least one of the other vendor's "satellite break rooms".  to get to our area. 

I remember that. 

I was happy to get it stocked, then we did the end of the month accounting things.  I did pretty well with that. 

Ron wanted Wendy's chili from the mall, so we got him that.  I got a value bacon cheeseburger and a couple of chicken nuggets.  They were good, and I thought "I'm eating 3 different animals, and a large drink, for less than $5".  Yum. 

We had a good ride home, thank God. 

I had gotten someone elses's mail, and Ron called the guy, who came over.  I have him his mail (medical test results) and a Bible, which he was happy to take.  Please pray for him, if you pray.  That was very cool. 

I had taken my pills already, so I took a nap for a few hours.  I needed it, I didn't sleep well last night. 

Then I had a nightmare about Baby Girl peeing on the floor, and realized I needed to go to the bathroom!  I was happy to see Bubba had climbed into bed with me at some point and carefully got up around him. 

Now I'm just wrapping up my "internets" before I go to bed.  I have to get up early tomorrow. 

Friday, March 29, 2013

Budget

Well medicated, I have no problem sticking to a budget, setting a little aside for emergencies, new glasses, charity debits, etc.   Like I told Ron, my pay is essentially an allowance because my only "bills" are a couple of charity things. 

I finished paying off that old hospital thing last year.  Boy, that took forever.  I wouldn't have minded if I had felt like I got $1,300 worth of care.  I did not. 

I told Ron we probably need to cut my pay again; if it comes down to buying inventory or getting my "whole" check, I'm fine with getting less.  He didn't like the concept. 

I took $100 cut on each paycheck, starting last year.  Overall, I haven't really missed it.  I have found I am more deliberate in my spending. 

However, this post isn't about money.  I've been thinking about my energy level.  If I only have 5-6 hours of energy every day, how do I want to spend them?  How much gets allocated to work, housework, etc.  How much to fun? 

Do I really want to watch reruns on TV with that energy? 

I need to figure that out.  I want to balance work, housework, yardwork (I still need to mow!) and fun.  Somehow, I'll figure it out. 

Coming to terms

My mood has been pretty good, a little manic but well managed by the lithium.  More like, a little mania sticking out from under the giant blob of lithium, in my head! 

That's good, my old manias were horrifying things, full of hatred, drama, hostility towards everyone, cats hiding from me, Ron fleeing from me and hiding in his room, paranoid, obsessive, hostile, and miserable. 

For a while, I wondered why God had allowed me to suffer so.  After all I'm a Christian.  I have endeavored to keep the 10 commandments and make pleasing Him my #1 job, since Ron's accident.  Why me? 

Days like today, I understand.  I pay a horrific price tag for sanity.  I have very limited energy.  I'm only "good" for about 4-5 hours a day.  Then I need a nap.  Then I'm sort of OK for another hour or so.  I have roaring attacks of the stupids.  I can't think.  My brain is full of pink fog.

I have a hard time even finding the words for what I want to say, at least when I'm talking.  Happily, I express myself better in text. 

While trying to google "Roaring attack of the stupids" - I am the only result found, I completely closed this window!  Thank God Blogger saves my work, literally every minute. 

So, I prayed about it - I thought "Maybe I'm sick".  I don't believe so.  This is my price tag.  Hell of a price. 

I had a hard time thinking and talking today, and Ron was very kind about it.  He asked if it was the medication and I said yes.  He wondered aloud if I could reduce my medication. 

I reminded him of the old me, him "running" (hobbling) down the hall as fast as he could and hiding in his room, me getting all paranoid and obsessing about the neighbors or whatever, and "Heather the Hatchet" - my old Ham radio handle before I got really bad. 

"How long would that take?" he asked helpfully. 

"About 36 hours".  He paled. 

Now I have to say Ron has been completely awesome lately.  The other day, we went to the warehouse.  I lost our reciept.  He was very nice about it. 

The old Ron would have had a lot to say, for a couple of days.  My Ron just said "You're doing your best" and dropped it completely. 

I've had other instances like that at work.  Nothing egregious, like leaving a vending machine open, but definitely what Ron would have called "Sub level" mistakes. 

The way he saw it, in the past, people had acceptable mistakes, like knocking over a cup of coffee; and "sub level" mistakes, like losing a business receipt.  Not anymore.  He was really great. 

It's hard enough dealing with the illness and the side effects, without someone shouting at me.  God has worked on Ron and given him the empathy we both need. 

Thanks, Lord. 

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Poulty Platter

I can't have a boring day. 

I try, I strive, for boring.  I never get it. 

It started off pretty tame, I slept in (day off, work tomorrow night).  I got up, took my shower.  I really like my hair.  I need to get a good photo and put it up. 

We went to Walmart.  I got another covered litter box. 

You see, I figured out, if I look at my entire list of chores I'll get depressed again, but I could, at least, vacuum the computer room and transition to the covered box, today.  That worked pretty well until my vacuum bag exploded. 

Now, my vacuum is old, about 12 years or so.  It cost me $40 back then.  It does a decent job getting junk off the carpets, but I don't run it very often.  I can't use the vacuum on the tile floors.  I have to sweep and then mop (and boy do I need to do just that!). 

I am generally pretty blase about my lack of housekeeping, but I will admit I am embarrassed to say, I don't know the age of the vacuum bag.  I think it just died of old age and an overdose of clean cat litter.  Baby Girl likes to throw clean litter all around the box before making her deposit.  It's the only thing I don't like about her. 

Bubba, of course, only goes outside, behind my rose bush.  One huge reason he is Mommy's favorite.  That, and he sleeps with me. 

Of course, I couldn't find any more bags.  I need to buy more. 

Ron did like the dollar store carpet freshener.  Gardenia.  The carpet looks and feels so much better.  After a can of Poultry Platter, Baby Girl went right in the new box and did her thing.  Good girl. 

Good.  No more cleaning, cleaning, endless cleaning up the cat litter on the floor, in here, any more.  Now I just need to do that for Ron's room.  We have 3 boxes: one in the front room, one in the computer room (one room back), and one in Ron's room, one room back from here. 

My house is somewhat styled in the "shotgun" fashion, one room wide in places.  I like it. 

While I was at Walmart, I got some sliced deli meat.  I considered getting some cheese but went with cottage cheese instead: cottage cheese is not a migraine trigger in anyone's book.  Deli cheese could be a migraine trigger and I have had enough of the little [censored]s lately. 

I was happy I got some decent food for me, cat food, and the litter box.  I am happy I eliminated half my litter box cleanup trouble.  I'll get Ron's room after I get the new bags. 

The litter box issue is probably the most urgent.  When I'm depressed, I don't have the energy to vaccum every day or two. 

With the new bags, I can vacuum up the mess in Ron's room (clean litter) and convert to another covered box.  Baby Girl is fine with the covered box, as long as we take off the door.  She hates the door; so it's off, and she's happy.  She looks so cute with her little head sticking out of the box. 

I'm glad I got the Poultry Platter Pate by Friskies.  I gave them a can last night; Bubba liked it as well as he likes any can, but Baby Girl was sadly licking the empty foam plate all day today (I feed wet food on a styrofoam plate, and then throw it out).  She was very good, so I gave them a can.  She is still licking the crumbs off the plate - she's never done that with any food. 

I think I need to get her some more of these things. 

When Ron found her, I did not want to adopt her because I knew she would mean more work for me.  I am OK with some work, but I need to minimize my chores in general.  Changing the box style means I will have a lot less work - sign me up. 

Other than that, she doesn't need much.  We have the endless food bowl; a large water bowl full of clean water.  Ron is very good about playing with her - and she lets him know by climbing into her paper bag.  It makes a lot of noise, letting Ron know "Let's play get the stick".  He gets out the toys and they have a good time; so good he worries about waking me up. 

During the day, she is often found lying on or next to Ron.  She is completely a Daddy's girl.

I haven't mowed the yard yet.  It still looks OK out front.  I got a flyer from a company offering to do my yard for $120 a month for weekly service, or $64 for biweekly.   I can't afford that; so I might take the yard into little bites; do part of it every day, for a couple days.  The front yard is very small.  Do that one day.  Do the side yard (I only have one side yard) the next day.  Do the back portion and my garden area on the third day. 

Or, get the whole thing when I'm manic, but that isn't very often these days.  Doc would consider that a very good thing, and even I don't miss them. 

My old manias were a lot like a hostage situation. 

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

James 4:4

OK, I've got my kevlar. 

The Bible condemns the gay lifestyle, and by extension, gay marriage.  Not only in the Old, but the New Testament.  It is wrong. 

Therefore, I cannot say it is a right, good, thing.   I can't.  Sorry. 

Ron says it well "When God says it (gay lifestyle/marriage) is OK, I'll say it's OK." 

I'll let the Bible itself make my finishing statement. 

James 4:4

New King James Version (NKJV)
4 Adulterers and adulteresses! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Whoever therefore wants to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God.

Full Time

"Bipolar madness" - a good description. 

I'm used to manias, used to depressions, used to the psychotic, paranoid, wierd end of things.  I am not used to being manic and exhausted at the same time. 

When I am depressed, I'm always exhausted (unless I am having a mixed episode, up and down at the same time).  When I'm manic, I have more energy... wrong. 

This is a first, an exhausted mania.  Now, I do have a few theories. 

  1. I'm taking a potent antipsychotic, and double the lithium I was taking a year ago.   90% odds that's it, right there, and I will just have to accept reduced functioning in exchange for better symptom control.  I am OK with that, and so is Ron.  He doesn't want me to "suffer" mentally. Take that, haters. 
  2. My nutrition is not great.  I am fat and eating a lot of sugar and refined carbs.  I need to work on that, and that is something I can actually address.  I can do nothing about #1, especially since the medication is working for me.  None of us, me, Ron, or my doctor, want to mess with something that works. 
  3. My lithium level may be too high.  It is possible; I am getting it tested in a few weeks when finances permit. 
  4. I may be anemic or have a low thyroid - I am getting all that tested in a few weeks, along with the lithium level. 
In the meantime I'm just exhausted.  I hate to whine but there you have it. 

It's a good thing I work part-time.  I certainly couldn't manage full time. 

Monday, March 25, 2013

More broken

I haven't done anything for Broken, my online serial romance novel, in ages. 

However, I have written 4 more chapters if you're interested... the link is to the right. 

You probably left off at Chapter 7, scroll down and then work your way up, or you'll get spoilers. 

Have fun!  I plan to be more diligent in the future. 

The next mania

"I almost hate a mania" I told Ron "I have energy, but not much, and I have to figure out how to spend it." 

That, my friend, is probably the biggest mania problem I face these days.  I don't get paranoid.  I stick to my budget.  I talk, and write, too much, but that's not always a bad thing. 

Today, I did my hair.  I spent my time and energy doing a henna treatment, which I like.  I'm glad I did it, something just for me. 

Tomorrow, I will have a partial Day Out.  I'll have a lot of fun, too. 

At some point, I'll work on housework, catching up, always catching up (I do housework every day, but sometimes need more).  I'll mow the backyard. 

And, eventually, the depression will hit again and I'll be back to figuring out how to use my next mania. 

Anyone's burden

So, in a lot of ways today sucked, and in a lot of ways it didn't. 

I woke up with Bubba cat.  I had a migraine.  Bubba started to vomit in the bed as I started to vomit into my bucket. 

He went back to bed.  I went to work.  My lucky black cat. 

Ron got frustrated at one point when I told him I was feeling pretty dim.  I get frustrated when I realize he has no idea what it's like inside my head. 

Then, I often think, "He couldn't handle the truth".  It would enrage him to know how I suffer. 

I'm not getting the violin and playing "poor pitiful me" - I'm stating a fact. I do suffer.  I thank God for the medication that makes my life livable; that makes me fairly functional.  I don't want to be anyone's burden. 

Neither does Ron, which is one reason why I never, ever, throw his problems at him, or make him feel like a burden.  I may fight ugly but I won't fight dirty. 

When I'm angry, I just get a really nasty tone of voice, sarcastic and bitter.  I'm not proud of that.  I am trying to work on "positivity" - being a positive person.  Even when I'm angry, I don't have to be ugly. 

I wasn't really mad at Ron, just disappointed.  I do wish he understood me better. Whenever I even think something like that I realize I need to be very careful; because the devil has a very nice man out there who would understand me so much better than Ron.  That way lies adultery, divorce, etc. 

I think emotional cheating is still adultery.  Ron's worst offense, to me, wasn't a physical one - it was a very close bond he formed with a female co worker.  That kind of intimacy should be reserved for marriage - I felt. 

At any rate, I do guard my heart.  Except for Bubba.  He's sitting up next to me, on the exercise bike, like I showed you in the video about a week ago.  He's so cute. 

And he's gone. 

So, work was not fun, lifting 30 pound cases and stacking them up in the stockroom, but the worst of the headache abated.  Then, I was just so, so, tired, which is really common after a migraine. 

The phenergan also makes me sleepy.  I just wanted to lie down for hours, which I was able to to when I got home. 

Before I went to bed, though, I was found squeezing lemons and mixing up a henna paste.  It needs to work for a couple hours before application. 

When I got up, the paste was too runny.  Ooops.  I managed to get most of it on, anyway.  Then I ran out, and had to make more. 

Next time, I will use 3/4 cup henna powder, a half cup lemon juice, a half cup brewed tea, and a half cup plain water.  I think that would make enough and a 2:1 ratio seemed to work fine for the orignal paste (before I decided it needed more water). 

I applied it all, and stuffed it under a shower cap.  Made the video blog.  Boy, the passwords were a lot of fun without my glasses, but I'm a better touch typer than I thought. 

Ron and I had an argument about housekeeping, which brought me back to wishing he understood depression and my energy levels, better.  He said something unkind but did apologize later. 

Then I watched Criminal Minds, one after the other, until ALL the paste had sat on my hair for at least 3 hours.  It took me a while to rinse it out, and I had to wash it 3 times. 

Everything running down the drain was a bright auburn.  Hm.  The acidic additives really did bring out the red, in my brown henna. 

When I got out, I found bright red where my gray had been.  I'll try to get a photo up tomorrow.  I like it, it's just very different.  I was expecting more of a plain brown; this is more vivid. 

But I like it. 

Video Blog!

Sunday, March 24, 2013

The receipt

If you're on Facebook, you probably saw the "reciept".  It purports to be a food stamp receipt, used to buy lobster and porterhouse steak.  Well, if it was, they must have been pretty small. 

So, then I read the usual rantings about "trash who abuse the system", etc. 

I'm a believer in the Bible, and I think a good verse applies:  "2 Thessalonians 3:10
For even when we were with you, we commanded you this: If anyone will not work, neither shall he eat. "

I work.  Ron works.  Neither of us "has to" - if we both got disability checks.  However, I don't believe in taking from the system if I have a roof over my head.  If things got drastic of course I'd apply for disability - I qualify twice over, once for the bipolar, and once for the Fetal Alcohol. 

Ron and I work because we want to.  Even if we could live off the system, we'd feel terrible about it. We wouldn't feel guilty (we are disabled), but worthless.  People - all people - find a value in working.  In knowing that what they do is so important someone is willing to pay them to do it.  You can't beat the feeling of getting your paycheck. 

In my case, I need a reason to get out of bed when I'm depressed.  If my bills are paid regardless, I'm in big trouble and will probably require a hospitalization.  I need to work - for my health. 

Now, some people abuse the system.  No argument.  However, careful audits would go a long way toward correcting the problem. 

"They" also need to work on the food stamps debit cards.  Right now a crackhead can sell the debit card to anyone, who can then go and use it.  THAT's how you see the nice dressed people in the SUV, with the food stamps.  They are using a card they bought off a crackhead.  They pay $40, for $100 card.  It's considered a good deal. 

It is completely unethical, lying, and stealing.  It is a sin.  However, I don't think the users are very concerned with sin at the time. 

Ron always reminds me, we're living in the end times.  We remind each other "It's supposed to get bad". 

Yes, it is. 

It's just sad to see all the hating and judging. 


My Blog

The internet is an amazing creature.  If you want to find a blog about wife swapping, you can do that.  If you want to find a blog about atheism, you can do that.  If you want to find a blog about a "crazy", conservative Christian living with a severely disabled alcoholic, you can do that (tips hat). 

What I don't get, are people who want my blog to become a forum for views that conflict strongly with mine.  I think the most telling thing about the last comment I deleted - this person had portrayed himself as a "Christian" including a profession of faith in Jesus, yet the very last comment I deleted, said "I think 'Christians'" (as in, a group apart from me).  That's actually a trademark of Jehovah's witnesses. They put themselves out a "Christians", yet revile "Christendom". 

I have news for everyone out there.  If you seek God, you will find Him.  Spend time reading His Word - the Bible.  Ask Him to help you understand it.  If you can't understand one translation, get another.  They are all good.  I'm praying for you every day.  I don't have to defend God.  He can defend Himself. 

Personally, I think hell scares me a lot more than it does the unreached.  I venture to say the unreached don't believe in hell, except as a concept.  An awful book I read comes to mind. 

I think some believe "We Christians" (and "we" are a hugely eclectic and divided group) use the concept of hell to beat the unbeliever into submission.  No.  At least, that's not how I roll.  I just want them to have an awesome relationship with God.  I want them to have that peace, comfort, and reassurance of knowing the King of Kings has got their back.  That they can take anything to Him, any time, and He will deal with it.  That's what I want. 

See, at the end of the day, I can only speak for myself.  I find hell terrifying.  It is dreadful to think that the unreached end up in hell if they don't get saved.  It is terrifying to think they could end up there through a lack on my part - failure to witness, failure to have a good witness - failure.  That is why I'm always seeking God's will in my life, even if it means "untenable" situations, or Bible handouts to gangbangers. 

I love my recipients.  I love that God uses me to reach them.  I love that I am a small step on the road to salvation, for some of them.  

Does all that get me into heaven? Hell, no. I'm ONLY saved by faith in Jesus. I just think He is so awesome I want to share him with everyone.   So I blog, in an overtly Christian blog, and stand on medians with a large "Free Bibles" sign.  Come and get it. 

I love my readers, even when they're putting up porno links, selling blue pills, and diagreeing with me.  That's what makes America great.  I have chosen to publish many comments critical of my choices.  However, if you want to promote alternate religious views or publish abusive comments - I will delete them. 

At the end of the day, it is *my* blog. 

You can always get your own. 

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Explicit Descriptions

By any standards, I was a sensitive kid.  I hated to see violence on TV, even though I was told, again and again, "It's fake".  I also cried when I saw the homeless people, sleeping on grates in the winter. 

Somewhere along the line, I toughened up.  I found myself, at one point, reading a completely obscene description of a 3-way between a woman, a vampire, and a werewolf in wolf form.  I finished the book, put it down, and thought "Do I want to read whatever comes after this?"  The series had progressed from mild kissing, to that.  Of course no one was married.  She couldn't commit to one man. 

I realized I was done with the series.  I threw them all away. 

So, that did it for the "explicit descriptions" as they term it in the talking book catalog.  "Contains strong langauge and explicit descriptions of sex".   I was done with any book with sex scenes. 

I did get a book at one point after Ron's accident.  I found it very helpful.  "Enabling Romance".  The world is full of perversion, but ask a medical person a simple question about married relations and everyone's treating me like a pervert.  [rolleyes] 

We figured it out just fine on our own. 

Then God started working on me about the violence in the things I read and saw.  This is happening with Ron, also.  "I don't want to read a whole chapter on how someone got tortured". 

[Ron has given me permission to share anything but blackout behavior, not that he plans any for the future.]

So, I found myself avoiding a lot of thrillers.  What I do read, if they have violence, generally describe it very briefly.  "As Sam pulled the trigger, Jerry collapsed on the ground, releasing the hostage".

If they have a full selection at the thrift store, I generally find myself loading up on inspirational romances.  Most of my Kindle has biographies and nonfiction.  The fiction is generally historical. 

I didn't think much about my TV watching, until Ron came up to the front room one night.  Our only television (the one even a crackhead didn't want, but I love) is located in the front room.  I have a chair, facing the television.  The kitchen area is to my right, and behind me.  Ron was working in the kitchen, drinking a beer, and sitting in his wheelchair.  He put his TV dinner in the microwave and set it for 5 minutes. 

I watched my show.  Someone had unleashed a mythic monster and it was eating the townspeople.  Ron just sat there, in his wheelchair, between me and the kitchen.  The microwave beeped and he got a cardboard tray (He carries his TV dinners in a cardboard soda tray, and uses it while eating, too). 

"What is that?" he asked, passing my chair.  "It sounds horrible". 

He was right.  I was addicted to those shows for a long time. 

Another time, he came by, while I was watching TV, fixing another dinner.  It was a fishing show, and the editors had "beeped" out the profanity.  I didn't think much of it, until Ron asked if we had a severe weather alert. 

The edited profanity was so dense, Ron thought we had a weather alert.  "Beep-beep-beep".  Now, Ron never asked me to stop watching anything, but when he pointed it out I realized I didn't want to stick that in my brain. 

When we watch TV together, it is usually a documentary, the news, or one of those cutey animal shows. 

Now, since I believe we are living in the end times, I expect a certain amount of societal degradation.  I expect immorality, baby mamas, profanity, corruption, etc. 

What I did not expect was a frank discussion of sex acts - on a show about preacher's daughters.  It got so obscene I had to turn if off. 

God is coming any day, when a preacher's wife is talking about sex acts on television.  It was graphic. 

Saturday

I can see why my doctor wants to run some blood tests.  My fatigue and brain fog are definitely affecting my life. 

I am able to work, though.  I got up at 5, did my God Time, went to the warehouse.  I got some supplies, drinks for Ron (Ron tends to manage the drinks end of the business), some snack items (they're going crackers for crackers), cookies, etc. 

Then we went to work.  I'm glad I have a strong body, if nothing else.  I had to do a lot of heavy lifting; with even more to come on Monday. 

Not complaining, it's my job.  At least I didn't sweat a lot today.  The Wellbutrin can make my face sweat profusely.  It looks like I'm on something illegal, or very stressed.  One customer patted my shoulder one day.  [grin]  I have some good customers. 

I saw some face antiperspirant at the store, apparently I would apply it to my face in the morning, like regular underarm antiperspirant.  I would definitely use that if I worked in food prep or an office type job. 

Although, it's been my experience, when I explain I am on medication, people are very sympathetic.  People are a lot better than I used to think. 

So, got that all done.  The snack machines are looking better and better.  I have resolved to buy some hot cheetos.  I see a big customer demand, unmet at present, by the other vendor.  I can get a 50 count case pretty cheaply. 

We had another complaint about the coffee machine; and it's out of service for now.  Ron and I spent a lot of time on it. 

I "made" Ron work on it while I stocked the snacks.  At least the snacks will make us money today. 

The coffee machine just loses money.  We spend so much on inventory (very expensive inventory) and repairs, we lose money.  If it were up to me, we'd just have a big percolator, cream, and sugar.  75 cents a cup.  [sigh]  It's not up to me, though. 

We are "on the list" for a new coffee machine, and the new ones are far more reliable than our current model. 

Everything else was fine.  I like working weekends; the customers see we are working people just like them.  It's quiet.  My favorite people are around. 

Since Ron's shortcut exit was closed, I put him in the wheelchair and gave him a ride to the bus stop.  Then I brought the wheelchair back and locked it up. 

Ron uses his Medicare wheelchair at work.  Both arms are broken, but he finds it very comfortable.  We have another wheelchair at home; the frame is welded steel.  It is very rugged and great for travel, but a little rough riding for Ron.  I prefer it because the handles are higher on the back.  We've been all over in that chair. 

We bought it 4 years ago, and it only cost us about $140 delivered.  The chair has certainly paid for itself. 

We came home for a little bit.  I did my henna allergy test. 

I don't know if I told you, but I went to the Indian (as in, the subcontinent) Import store the other day.  I bought some brown henna (I have used that, and like it), and some purple henna.  Henna basically coats the hair, it doesn't penetrate.  It gives a tint, not a hue. 

However, it does come from nature and you should do an allergy test with any hair color.  One lady died a while back - she was getting her hair dyed, went into anaphylaxis (had to look up that spelling), and died right there in the beauty salon. 

I would rather not go like that.  Although, I do wonder.  I noticed my hands felt kind of itchy and tingly when I stocked the peanut butter crackers today. 

As I was reading the inserts (yes, I always read the insert) I noted they suggest mixing the henna with lemon juice, and NOT using boiling water.  They also suggest you let the paste sit for a couple hours before you apply it.  After application, let it sit a few hours before rinsing. 

I'm surprised I got any color, using henna, before: I used plain boiling water.  No lemon juice.  I put it on right away, and only left it on for an hour.  I got good results, though, and I was very happy. 

So, I'm really excited to try it the "right" way.  I made up a little of the "plum" and a little of the brown.  I noticed it got really brown, right away, as soon as I added the lemon juice.  I find that really encouraging.  Pretty much my hair color, too. 

I put a little dab of each and then tried to cover it with a bandaid, but I couldn't figure the bandaids out.  Properly medicated, I have a hard time with the toilet paper dispenser. 

I finally got it, and went to Walmart. 

It was pretty busy.  I looked at deodorant, didn't buy any.  Then I went to the cat section and spent most of my money.  Clumping litter.  A really big stainless steel water bowl, and 12 cans of cat food.  I bought myself some iced tea powder (sugarfree) and some instant lemonade.  I love lemonade.   Milk.  Sugarfee instant pudding.  Done. 

I got Ron and I lunch from the deli, and ate it standing next to him (he sat on the bench).  Our ride was a little late, but not bad, considering it was a weekend afternoon.  We even got a straight ride home. 

When we got home, I took my nap.  I have a lot of fatigue.  I'm not whining - I signed up for this.  I know it's the price I pay for sanity. 

I had a great nap with Bubba. 

When I got up, I got rid of the old water bowl.  Since we have memory issues, Ron and I had a gallon sized plastic water bowl.  It got mineral deposits, and I wasn't happy with it overall. 

I got a nice food grade stainless bowl, about the same size, for $5 today.  It seemed like a good idea, and I'm glad I did it.  If nothing else it sure looks nicer than the old bowl.  When I put it up on the table, full of water, Baby Girl went right for it and had a good drink. 

I got rid of the old bowl.  Ron had a "look" at it, and likes it.  He is in charge of keeping the water filled.  I do the food (I cheat with a 3 pound endless feeder). 

Later on, I found my lunch, which I had forgotten to put in the fridge.  After all day at room temperature, you couldn't pay me to eat it.  Ron fed his leftover chicken strips to the cats, after careful debreading. 

Ron was looking for Baby Girl.  I looked outside and saw her in the backyard.  I called her and she came in, then I gave both cats a can of liver and chicken, Walmart brand, wet food.  They love it. 

A lot of my neighbors seem to have visitors.  I hope to go to bed early tonight; but we'll see. 

I want to change the litter and vacuum around the boxes, take out some trash, and finish the laundry tonight. 

Tomorrow I intend to mow the yard.  It seems really difficult. 

I have to remind myself it is OK to have less energy; I have a condition that would kill me, without medication.  If I had seizures, cancer, or heart trouble, I'd be willing to put up with fatigue and brain fog: so I had better be willing to accept some side effects to stay alive and sane! 

Doc agrees, though he does tend to run a lithium level in a few months.  Maybe he can reduce my dose.  If not, I'll just suck it up. 

Friday, March 22, 2013

Scaring the salesman

"He's coming" I told the salesman as Ron lurched down our hall.  "You'd better hurry".   The man looked over my shoulder and began hurridly wrapping up his "Switch to us and bundle" speech. 

"Heather" Ron drawled ominiously "Do you need me to deal with him?  Is he bothering you?"  I snickered. 

"No, Ron, he's fine.  He was just leaving". 

"Did you give him a Bible yet?"  The guy paled and took a couple steps backward, then left. 

I have to laugh.  Poor salesman never knew what hit him.  He had come to tell us they were "upgrading" and noticed we weren't signed up for service. 

I had some bad times with the cable company.  I would only use them as the very last resort.  We have Direct TV, and love it.  If there is a problem, a nice man comes out the next day to fix it. 

I told him, no.  But they were upgrading, and...  "No.  I don't want anyone in my house and I like my current provider". 

"I like my internet"

"I am happy with my cell phone provider" (This is about the time when Ron started roaring from the back). 

I told him Ron pays all the bills.  "Could I talk to your husband?" 

"He's pretty cranky"  I replied.  Ron had been roaring "Do you need help?  Is he bothering you?"  for a while, so he understood. 

Then Ron got out of bed and started walking down the hall.  That's what scared the sales man.   The Bible offer is what drove him off completely. 

I had gotten a "No" on offering him a Bible anyway, so I thought it was funny.  Ron told me, he wanted the man to know, there was another man in the house, to protect me.  I thought that was very sweet. 

Earlier, I had told him I was too gorked on my medication to spell a word out loud for him.  Ephriram I think - the tribe of Israel.  I could read aloud, but I couldn't spell aloud.  The letters kept dancing around and getting mixed up. 

I have noticed that on the medication.  My IQ has definitely taken a dive. 

However, I had a lot of time to think about what I wanted from medication, and what side effects I'd be willing to tolerate.  I decided I'd be willing to endure anything, if I could just get the noise out of my head. 

In order of aggravation:
Brain fog
Fatigue
Nausea
Migraines
Dry mouth
Frequent urination
Shaky, "dumb" hands. 

Ron complained a little, and I told him I had no choice.  I have to take my medication.  Then he got mad at God for a while. 

I have learned not to take it personally: Ron's told me, he gets angry that I have to suffer - he isn't angry at me.  I accept his statement but it's always uncomfortable. 

So, I woke up after more nightmares.  These, about church.  I have had a series of nightmares this week, due to the mania.  When I'm manic, I have bad dreams, and I've been manic for about a week. 

I think the worst was the one involving animal abuse.  I told Ron the dream, and he was horrified.  I think he gets a little scared that something like that can come out of my head.  God knows I get scared. 

So, sleeping hasn't been much fun.  I go to bed late and hope I'll be so tired, I'll sleep better.  Never works. 

When I got up I talked to Ron for a while.  We had fun.  He even talked to me while I took my shower. 

I had to skip my God Time until later (I did that before I turned the computer on).  Now, off to work. 

However, our ride was very late.  If we worked for anyone else, we'd have been fired. 

When we got to work, and I always find it funny: a woman who NEVER buys anything from the vending machines complained about the coffee machine.  Why are you complaining if you never use it? 

Of course I fixed it - well, put a note up for them not to use a certain selection.  The other ones are fine.  I helped Ron with sodas, did an inventory for the Dr Pepper order, and took a photo of the soda machine.  There is a problem.

Rather than describe it, I took a photo with my cell phone. I can't send a photo from my cell phone to an email (that's what I was given), so I had to use my cell phone as a USB storage device and plug it into the computer, sending it that way. 

I plan to upload a few to the slide show in a minute, after I finish the blog. 

From work, we went home, then to the other location. Ron stocked it while I ran to the Indian Import store.  I think that's the one business that is doing worse than mine.  It is clear they are having HARD TIMES.  I was happy to find "Perfect Plum" henna in addition to the brown henna.  I know I like the brown.  The purple should be fun.  Both cost $7 total. 

First, though, an allergy test.  I also got some vaseline to put along my hairline because henna does dye the skin.  I already had the other things - a wide tooth comb, a shower cap, etc. 

Then I got some cheap fast food for us both, took that back, and we ate it.  Yum. 

Our ride came and we had a straight ride home, that was nice.  Nap time!  You knew that was coming! 

I had a good nap, Bubba curled up by my head. 

Now I just need to do my allergy test so I don't have a disaster, doing my henna. 

If I go with the purple tint (it will be more of a tint than an actual, strong purple), I will take a photo and upload. 

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Things will suck

This will be one my "religious" posts. 

So, let's start with actual Bible: 

Matthew 6:25-34

New King James Version (NKJV)

Do Not Worry

25 “Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?
28 “So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; 29 and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?
31 “Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. 33 But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
 
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind

I think this one is most important:

2 Timothy 3

New King James Version (NKJV)

Perilous Times and Perilous Men

3 But know this, that in the last days perilous times will come: 2 For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, 3 unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, despisers of good, 4 traitors, headstrong, haughty, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. And from such people turn away! 6 For of this sort are those who creep into households and make captives of gullible women loaded down with sins, led away by various lusts, 7 always learning and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth
 

Matthew 24:4-14

New King James Version (NKJV)
4 And Jesus answered and said to them: “Take heed that no one deceives you. 5 For many will come in My name, saying, ‘I am the Christ,’ and will deceive many. 6 And you will hear of wars and rumors of wars. See that you are not troubled; for all[a] these things must come to pass, but the end is not yet. 7 For nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. And there will be famines, pestilences,[b] and earthquakes in various places. 8 All these are the beginning of sorrows.
9 “Then they will deliver you up to tribulation and kill you, and you will be hated by all nations for My name’s sake. 10 And then many will be offended, will betray one another, and will hate one another. 11 Then many false prophets will rise up and deceive many. 12 And because lawlessness will abound, the love of many will grow cold. 13 But he who endures to the end shall be saved. 14 And this gospel of the kingdom will be preached in all the world as a witness to all the nations, and then the end will come.

Sorry my Scripture links are all wierd.  That's what happens with cut and paste.  I guess, if I were a really good Christian, I would type it all out myself. 

So, first 2 sections: Don't worry, honey, I've got your back - says God. 

Second 2 sections: In the end times, things will suck. 

Sometimes, I think people get so focused on the things that are bad, evil, and corrupt, they lose sight of the commandments not to worry.  I saw that tonight. 

Things will suck.  They do.  That's a given. 

I feel a particular pity for parents of little girls, trying to keep them safe in these times.  Although any parent worries, these days.  There's evil everywhere.  It could be right next door. 

Hell, I worry about my cats! 

Just for "fun" let's look up the sex offender database.  Well, that was depressing.  Used to be we only had one in the neighborhood.  Now we have a couple with a taste for adult women. 

How will I use that information?  Well, I'm always indoors, or with Ron, at night.  I won't take rides from strangers (more tempting than you might think during really miserable weather).   And it's Texas, nice people want to give me rides. 

During a record breaking heat wave, I think it was 110 that day and not a cloud in the sky - a guy in an SUV pulled up the bus stop and offered me a ride.  Oh, I was tempted.  He looked like a nice man, but I couldn't take the chance. 

I told him "I'm all sweaty, I'll ruin your leather seats".  He said it didn't matter, but I shook my head, smiling, and thanked him, right as the light changed.  If I'd had a Bible I would have given him one. 

So, I absolutely use common sense.  If I have a day out and buy stuff, I make sure it's something I can carry with one arm, leaving one arm free if needed (sure came in handy during my mugging). 

Which reminds me, I don't let people stand right behind me anymore, even in the nice areas.  I move off and put my back against the bus pole.  When sitting on the bus bench, I sit at the end.  When sitting on the bus, I sit up front, by the driver, which is a smoother ride.  I can also sit at the edge, leaving the rest of the bench seat free (they run the length of the bus, about 5 feet long for "disabled" seating, and I have a disabled pass). 

I sit in an open area, right in front of the camera, near the driver.  Common sense. 

Ron said it best, though:
"Fear says, something bad is going to happen.  Don't know when, or what, but it will happen!" 

He continues "God says: 'Trust me, I built the universe.  Don't you think I can take care of you?  Or am I an incompotent dumb-ass?" 

When you listen to fear, you listen to the devil. 

Of course, use common sense.  :) 

Video Blog!

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Chain him to his desk!

"Chain him to his desk!" I exhorted. 
"We'll do that," he replied laughing "Thank you."  I thanked him and then we hung up. 

That was just the start of my day.  I slept in a little, hit the snooze a few times.  I always blame Bubba (the black cat).  He sleeps by my head at night.  It's almost impossible to tear myself away from his cuddles. 

I finally got up and took my shower.  As I got out of the shower, my bathrobe fell in the toilet.  That was completely disgusting.  Normally I am a bathrobe person.  I get out of the shower, put on the bathrobe, dry off my hair and my lower legs with a towel, and walk around in the very loud yellow bathrobe for several minutes until I dry off. 

I couldn't do that today, so I grabbed one of my purple towels.  My family like to give me dark lavender bath towels.  It's a popular color and one I love (I would adore a huge, purple bathrobe).  I got some purple towels for my wedding, and Mom and Dad sent me some more for Christmas.  I've kind of gone with that theme in the bathroom, except for the aforementioned loud yellow bathrobe. 

I dried off and got dressed, then went to do my God Time.  About halfway through, Ron's phone rang.  He spoke for a minute and then called me.  I got up and said "Who is it?" 

"It's the Bank Fraud Department".  Uh - oh.  I picked up the phone.  "This is going to suck, isn't it?" 

Not badly, the man told me.  Bad guys had hacked my debit card somehow, and attempted to run several transactions, all of which were declined due to insufficient funds. 

Yay, poor!  If I'd had any money in there it'd be gone. 

It was very funny, the only transactions I'd run were a $1.06 song purchase from Amazon, and two charity debits (Gospel for Asia, and World Missionary Press).  The other ones were clearly not missionary. 

So, he told me, the good news: I would not have to go into the bank and file a claim.  We were doing that over the phone.  [I had asked and answered the security questions].  They hadn't gotten my money, but clearly my card number had been published. 

"We're going to have to put it out of it's misery" he said.  So, we killed it, and they will send me another one. 

Shame on them, whoever they are.  Can't they put that energy into an honest living? 

I asked to speak to the supervisor and gave my guy a compliment.  "We won't let him leave" the boss told me, which is what led me to the chaining to the desk comment. 

I hung up, loving my bank.  I told the boss I'd say nice things on Facebook, but they get blog coverage too. 

I really like my bank.   I have had my debit card hacked twice, now.  They were awesome both times.  I lost my debit card once (I never did find it so it may have been stolen), they were great about turning it off and getting me a new one.  I have brain dead moments making deposits - I have a hard time filling out deposit slips.  I can't tell you how many times I've given them my ATM card, or ID card, and simply asked them to make a deposit to my account.  They have always done it cheerfully.  My account fee is very low, too. 

God knows they earned every penny. 

So, the rest of the day went better.  We had a trip to Walmart.  I needed girl stuff and cat food.  I got the dry cat food, and then remembered how much the cats had enjoyed the lobster dinner cat food.  I got some super supper, etc.  It eliminated my soda budget, but I'm drinking a lot of iced tea in the morning instead.  I didn't even go near the soda aisle today. 

I had a tight budget, but that was OK.  We didn't need much.  Ron wanted some TV dinners.  I read him every dinner (Banquet, the cheap ones) and he made his selections.  He got 5.  I got a few things for myself, a couple pot pies, and a Banquet dinner.  I had enough left in my budget for a pint of Butter Pecan ice cream from Blue Bell.  It was very good.  Cat food, people food, girl stuff - I forgot the cat treats. 

I had lost my notebook a few weeks ago.  I use it to keep track of my cycle.  Man, I was lost without that thing.  I had no idea when to expect my "gift".  I finally found it the same day the gift arrived.  [laugh]  Things haven't been too bad this time. 

We came home, it was a good ride.  I watched a little TV, ate the ice cream, took my lithium, and took a nap.  Bubba got in bed with me.  Oh, it was so hard to leave him again, but I had to go to work! 

Work has 3 shifts, always open, always running.  The third shift (about 2-10 PM) and the first shift (overnight) are the busiest.  So why do we ignore them and only serve the smallest, day, shift?  We have been working more on the third shift and agree we prefer it. 

The customers are a million times nicer, too.  They love to see us working the same hours. 

In fact, I had 2 people apologize for not buying as much as they used to.  I thought that was very sweet. 

Ron and I got everything done, the machines looked good, stocked everything, did the coffee machine, and time to go.  We had a GREAT pickup, and even a straight ride home. 

It is a carpool service - a straight ride is the exception, not the rule.  Thank you. 

I wanted something ready-made, and decided a cup of noodles would do.  I'm waiting for it to cool down.  I hate eating overly hot food. 

Ron already ate a Mexican. 

Dinner. 

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Sin no more

Today, I burned the top of my head, completely ruined my cats, and had a good day off. 

It didn't start out well, me, depressed, in bed.  The headache showed up - the one I always get when I'm depressed and spending too much time in bed.  I got out of bed, took some pain killer (generic Excedrin), and got going. 

I hadn't washed my hair since Sunday, so I used the clarifying shampoo and conditioner.  I got the cheap stuff, but it works.  I hate having greasy hair when I'm depressed. 

I have a little something-something on my father's side, I'm not sure what exactly.  I do know I have a little Native blood.  I've only had 2 sunburns in my life, no matter how much time I spent in the sun.  I have high cheekbones, beautiful hair (I do love it), and oily skin and hair.  I do have short femurs.  It would have made me rather stout but I ended up 5 foot 7 (my Dad is well over 6 feet). 

Purebloods are boring, I think, and if you look at pets - the purebreds have the most health troubles!  I'd rather be a nice healthy mutt anyday - probably one reason I married a "mixed breed" Creole (Creoles are a mixture of Black and French blood.  Ron's family also has some Spanish and Native thrown in). 

I got out of the shower and did my God Time.  As I finished, Ron headed off to the liquor store.  He had delayed the trip a few times already, and wanted to get it done.  On his own, while sober, Ron has said made some very encouraging comments. 

He said, and did, get rid of the Everclear again.  He is watching is portion control and timing, very carefully.  He is also making comments about having "dry" days in addition to drinking days. 

We're both in a good mood when he's talking about it, he just brings it up on his own.  I'm not demanding. 

See, I think that is one thing people don't understand about my husband.  You can't make demands.  Ron makes his own choices.  If you push him, he will dig in like a tick, and refuse to budge.  If you suggest, and then leave it alone, he may very well agree with you after some careful thought. 

So, I don't make demands; I feel validated because AA says never make demands, anyway. 

So, Ron went to the liquor store.  When he got there, they were worried because the vodka maker has changed the bottle.  They kept telling Ron worriedly it was the same booze. 

As a joke, I said, let me see.  He took it out of the bag. 

"Ewww!  Gin!"  We both died laughing. 

However, after Ron had left I felt pretty aimless.  I was depressed, still battling the same depression I've had all month.  Longer cycles suck - more depression, for longer. 

Doc says these things change from time to time.  No one knows why.  And then he made a note in my file. 

"I need to go out" I thought "Not because I want to, but it's a beautiful day.  I have always told myself, the times I most need a day out, are the times when I don't think I do.  Once I get out there I'll get into it.  I just need some motivation." 

I pray on this all the time; guidance in managing my illness. 

God reminded me I had yet to give Bubba his hairball treats.  I love those things.  So does Bubba.  He thinks I am being awesome instead of feeling raped.  (If something goes into your body without consent, that is rape, and Bubba felt every inch of it)

I feel like an awesome mother, instead of a rapist (to clarify, I put the old stuff in his mouth but he had extreme objections). 

I could get more cat treats!  I love them, so does Bubba, and I would hate to run out.  I had my impetus. 

As I left the house, I called Ron.  He said "Wait, I'm right around the corner.  Wait up, I want a kiss."  So, I waited.  It meant missing a bus but I thought the cuddle was worth it.  I teased him about his "gin", got my kiss, a hug even, said goodbye to the cats, and left. 

I left my backpack at home.  I only brought a little spending money, cell phone, house keys, and bus pass.  I had some very long waits on the bus, standing in the sun.  That's how I burned the top of my head and my arms.  The part is looking rather angry red, the arms are a little red, by in my experience tomorrow they go to tan. 

I have never worn sunscreen.  One, I was so depressed for so much of the time, I liked the idea of dying early from skin cancer.  Yup. 

Secondly, by the time I got medicated, and cared about my health, everyone was being told not to wear sunscreen all the time due to Vitamin D deficiency.  I erred on the sunny side.  I do have some sun damage, but I'm 38. 

So, lots of waiting, waiting, bus rides, and finally I got off the bus.  I headed over and got the cat treats.  I happened to pick up a can of wet cat food "Lobster Dinner".  The list of ingredients sounded pretty tasty. 

Nah, I couldn't get that.  Why not?  It's only $1.50.  Would the cats get $1.50 enjoyment out of it?  Would I, watching them eat it?  Why not?  I threw it in the cart.  I also got some "Duck" a poultry pate, and a favorite of theirs: chicken and liver.  It all came to about $12. 

The cans were light, and easy to carry (I got the 5 ounce size because I do have 2 cats).  I walked over to the thrift store.  Nothing.  It would be great if I were a smaller size, though. 

Thirsty, I got a "Mega Jug" from the KFC.  They don't kid around with that thing, it holds at least 2 quarts.  I drank one quart in the restraurant, then filled it again before leaving (empty by the time I got home). 

I was feeling a little better.  I talked to Ron: we'd work tomorrow night (his idea).  He also arranged a trip to Walmart for me, in the morning. 

I went to Starbucks in search of delicious scones, but came up empty. 

Then I went to Dollar Tree.  I love Dollar Tree.  I found all my sugar free candy favorites (I was almost out).  Fruit Drop.  Peppermint.  Coffee Flavor (I hate coffee but I love coffee candy).  Werther's!  In two flavors!  I decided, after sampling later, I prefer the sugarfree classic flavor. 

I loaded up, and got my sugarfree drink mix.  My staples on that, if you care, are lemonade, fruit punch, and iced tea flavors.  If I have those, I'm happy.  I usually add other flavors but those are my mainstays. 

The only problem, fruit punch does stain terribly.  I have to be careful drinking it.  I always drink in a lidded container, with a straw, because Ron has a supernatural knack of finding and knocking over any beverage in the house. 

At work, I notice the other blind guys do it too. 

I also found a 3 pack of microfiber washcloths that look good.  I'll give one to Ron and carry one in my backpack.  I find them really useful for mopping my brow, cleaning up spills, or whatever. 

I also bought some snack foods, labels for work, and razors.  I only spent about $20.  I was very happy. 

I adore my sugar free candy.  My mouth gets so dry!  I don't have the gas and all, either, for whatever reason.  I think they reformulated them to end that. 

I also love to have my sugarfree drink mix at night.  Now I have plenty.  I even have some raspberry iced tea for mornings. 

Baby Girl is behind me, hunting another grashopper.  I found one in my shower enclosure this morning.  I just picked it up, barehanded, and threw it out the window.  "Go and sin no more!"  (John 8:11). 

Happy, I went home.  Of course I had some long waits on the bus, but nothing too bad.  I did manage to have a set for my longest waits.  That always makes me happy. 

I gave the cats the lobster/crab/shrimp dinner.  It was tremendous.  They adored it, happily gobbling away right next to each other.  They have great manners.  Bubba keeps going back for leftovers. 

Ron was happy to see me.  Even happier to get his treats.  I think he ate the entire bag of Tater Skins. 

How does he stay so skinny? 



Monday, March 18, 2013

Better person

I slept in late and skipped my God Time.  I don't exactly feel like Christian of the year (I plan to get it in a little bit, after eating).  I was pretty worn out, all the running around and working this weekend. 

Self employed, I have to work when I'm selling.  If the machines are generating money, I have to stock them. In order to stock them, I have to buy inventory. 

At any rate, stepping away from the machines today, I felt pretty good, even though we still have a lot of people in the training class.  In fact, that leads me to something interesting. 

You have all seen me go on and on, ranting about "the guy who ran over Ron".  Well, today he came into *our* area.  He stepped right in front of Ron's handcart as he began to pull. 

I was "kneecapped" once for quite a while, when a "helpful" person shoved the handcart, at full momentum, into the back of my knee.  Praise God I didn't rip anything but I limped around for weeks. 

I had a choice, and I found myself saying "Ron, don't run over [driver name]!"   The man turned around, looked behind him, and laughed.  Ron and I laughed.  That's what God can do. 

MELANIE DON'T READ. 

The only other time that happened, Ron and I were having very harsh times.  I had basically tried to leave him when I moved to Texas, but he came along at the same time.  I had planned to move and then tell him I didn't want him anymore.  This was a few months later. 

Ron was drinking, but not too much.  He kept an empty Gatorade one quart bottle by his air mattress, on the floor in the living room of my apartment. 

Since he had to pass through my bedroom to get to the bathroom, he decided to urinate in the bottle.  It works a lot better than a urinal, it has a nice screw cap so it won't spill like the urinals. 

Anyway, the previous night he had used the bottle.  We were talking about something and he reached down, absently.  He picked up the bottle, unscrewed the cap, and began to bring it to his lips. 

"Don't drink it!" I found myself shouting.  Ron stopped, sniffed, gagged, and immediately started retching. 

Sometimes, I'm a better person than I think.

[God gets the credit on that] 

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Every inch of crazy

I thought I was pretty much done for the day. 

I was wrong. 

We came home after church, for a little while.  Ron took a nap.  You should have heard him snore.  Snoring doesn't bother me because my Dad always snored so loudly I could hear him through the wall (my childhood bedroom shared a wall with the master suite). 

When I ran off with Ron, the snoring was soporific.  It put me to sleep immediately.  That, and the sound of running water.  When we lived in Virginia, 6 of us shared one and a half bathrooms.  You can imagine the backup.  The older kids used to shower late at night, after I had gone to bed.  Running water always puts me out. 

Of course, since lithium is VERY diuretic the sound of running water (I have a noisemaker) also reminds me I need to urinate!  If I set mine on "rushing stream" I might as well sleep in the bathroom. 

So, we got picked up and went to the warehouse, during regular hours.  Ron and I usually go during business hours.  Everyone there is in business, and most in the vending business.  We run in, grab our stuff, and leave.  We might chat a little in the parking lot or checkout lane. 

No one browses

As you know, I ride paratransit so I'm on a timeline.  If my pickup is 20 minutes away, I had better be ready or I'll be left to wait for hours on another ride. 

Car people, and I love you all, don't grasp that.  They can leave whenever they want.  If they take an extra couple minutes shopping no one will care.  Unless, I guess, they had a hungry toddler. 

Good luck browsing with one of those in your cart!  [laughing] 

So, it was shopping hell.  Hell.  I had 30 minutes.  Long lines everywhere.  Everyone browsing, and blocking the aisles.  Everyone assumed I could take as long as I wanted. 

I got very impatient and irritable, especially when a little kid kept running around and bumping my leg.  Again, and again.  I don't like to be touched unexpectedly. Bad times.  I admit, I gave a nasty glare at the parents as he ran into me for the third or fourth time, and they called him over. 

I was in a horrific mood, reminiscent of the old Heather the Hatchet days.  I couldn't figure it out, until I did. 

For whatever reason, my lithium level had tanked.  I needed my lithium NOW. 

I need to take my lithium with food, a pretty hearty meal, or I get violently sick.  However, the line at the deli was awful. 

I can't reveal the next couple minutes, except to say someone could get fired and I don't want that, but they really saved me. They didn't to anything wrong, or immoral, but it might get them in trouble and I don't want that. 

Somehow I had the time to get a slice of pizza.  I did that.  I roared at someone to move his cart.  Oh, I can laugh now but I was AWFUL today.  I acted every inch of crazy.  It was shameful. 

The minute I could, I dug through my backpack, begging God for my medication.  I had taken it out - but I put it back!  Or God did, praise Him.

I gobbled 4 lithium (one day's worth, I take them all at once every day, generally around dinner), and ate the pizza.  I was a little queasy later but worth it.  I stopped wanted to bite after about 15 minutes.  I apologized to Ron, and the driver, she said she didn't notice because she was hungry.  She was eating something herself. 

So, we finally got to work (we had another pickup).  I got everything into work and got the snacks stocked.  They look a million times better than they did when I came in.  Oh, they were picked over, empty - worn out.  When I left they were nice and perky, full of all the favorites. 

Ron worked on bottled drinks. 

I gave him a "valet" ride out to the bus stop.  The credit union offers a shortcut, but it's not open on weekends.  I gave Ron a ride through the building, and around, to the bus stop.  I dropped him off just as the driver pulled up.  I put my bag in the car, then took the wheelchair back.  I had time to go to the bathroom, thank God. 

Lithium is a potent diuretic. 

We even had a straight ride home. 

See, that's the thing.  God reminds me now and then, I'm only as good as my medication.  Without my meds, I am just an awful person.  Hateful.  Look at some of my posts from a few years ago, before I got my medication right - yeah, I was busy, had a lot of interests, but pretty hateful too.  I just couldn't let things go.  I would obsess about small things and I still do that to some extent now. 

Even while this was all going on, I thought "A lot of Christians would see this as a spiritual battle, but for me it is chemical - if my lithium levels are off then I'm full of hate and sin. I'm a much "holier" person when my lithium is right!" 

Interesting. 



The Talk!

Today was a little awkward for me. 

First, to back up.  When my friend found the post about Ron drunk and verbally abusive, on the blog, he told our pastor before coming to talk to us.  So, the pastor knows all our dirty laundry (what I put on the blog at least!). 

So, today, over a month later Pastor is preaching on Romans 2.   He quoted Luke 6:45, out of the fullness of the heart the mouth speaks... or writes, and sometimes it can be very ugly.  I sat, frozen, in my seat, my eyes stuck to my Bible. 

Hm.  That's a good point to remember.  I also think John 8:32 applies - the truth will set me free.  I don't think God wants me battling my demons and struggling without any human support.  I don't see Him that way. 

Does that mean I can/will watch my tone?   Yes, absolutely.  I don't need to share every humiliating detail; just share that Ron had a "hard time last night" or whatever. 

I'm glad I do try to live a moral life, free from overt sin.  I would hate to have Pastor give me "the talk"! 

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Best thing ever

I don't do ads on my blog.  I think it takes away from the purity. 

However, now and then I find something awesome. 

Ron begged me to go with him, to get some fried chicken. 

He needed me to get into the store, etc.  He hasn't "done mobility" on that (where I teach him the layout of the store and how to get from A to B). 

At one point, I taught Ron how to walk over a pedestrian overpass, over a freeway, to get to a park he liked.  He's very clever. 

I told him I could go, and I did.  As long as I didn't have to eat the chicken (I am not a fan of chicken, if you ever have me over the worst dish ever would be chicken and onions), I'd be happy to go. 

So, we went.  Ron got a 4 piece.  I got a giant bucket of diet soda.  It had a handle on it.  I was thrilled. 

The chicken place shares a parking lot with a pet food store. 

Well, I thought, we can use some more cat treats.  I can't really go shopping, not with this headache, but I can get some cat treats.  I also wanted to get some hairball stuff for Bubba. 

It is a traumatic experience for us both; I hold him down and basically mount him, holding his mouth open and squirting the nasty, sticky hairball remedy into his mouth.  I generally get it all over me, him, and the floor. 

But he's shedding, and he needs the medicine. 

I was looking in the treats and I found this:  http://www.petfooddirect.com/Product/6948/Friskies-Hairball-Remedy-Chicken-Flavored-Tender-Treats-for-Cats  It's a soft cat treat, for hairball prevention. 

I considered it for a while, and figured, worst case, Baby Girl would eat them.  I put them in the cart.  I also got some tuna treats. 

When we came home, I found Bubba lying in our bed.  I called him as I opened the bag, and he gobbled several treats.  He loves them.  He ate more today. 

Yea!  No more hairball trauma! 

I also caught Bubba eating grass today, too.   Good boy.  He's sitting next to me, on top of the exercise bike, right now. 

Thank you in 3 languages

I spent most of last week laid up with an ongoing migraine.  I finally traced it to the white, extra-sharp cheddar cheese block.  I'd been snaking every day, because I love extra sharp cheddar.  However, it does not love me.  I will be rehoming it on Monday. 

I wasn't able to work.  That sucked.  Ron had planned to pay me Thursday, then Friday, and it didn't happen.  I didn't know,but they had a training class and the trainees were depleting the machines like a swarm of locusts.  I love the trainees, don't get me wrong, but my machines were emp-ty. 

So, I had to work today. 

I couldn't sleep last night.  If I come off cranky, remember I spent most of the night sleepless and hallucinating bugs.  I could feel them jumping on me, and biting me, except they weren't.  It was pretty miserable.  I think I forgot to take my Haldol. 

I went to the warehouse, got some supplies (would have gotten a lot of chips if I'd known the situation at work), and went to work.  I had to deal with stocking, helping Ron, helping the trainees. 

I was pretty annoyed at one customer.  She doesn't like me, I think she believes I'm haughty.  You can make up your own mind on that.  If she thinks anyone has a complaint about our machines, she grabs them, interrogates them about the problem (how is that her business?), and then whispers to them, watching me the whole time. 

If you're going to say something about me, say it out loud, to my face, you coward.  I avoid her at all costs.  One day she came in and found me in the breakroom drinking a soda.  She started screaming at me.  I just got up and left. 

I had a hell of a time restraining Ron when he found out.  He wanted to roll in there and give her hell on a stick.  She avoids him now.  I bet. 

See, I hate people who like to gossip and bully - but it's nothing new.  For Ron, she is messing with his wife.  Ron and I are mutually protective of each other, and intensely so. 

I have had problems with the refunds.  The day shift no longer accepts refunds.  The afternoon shift disappears after logging in.  So, I am left with unpaid refunds and very pissed off customers.  As it stands, it looks like I will have to go in on the night shift to pay refunds from now on. 

I put up a note explaining this, so the customers at least know I'm trying.  I have a coffee can with refund money and everything I need to pay refunds.  I just wish I could use it! 

The bully/gossip likes to talk about us because we don't pay refunds at the machines.  Well, we have found, that if we do that people see us as walking wallet, and start making up phony refunds.  If the machine takes money from someone, we know about it the minute we open the machine.  Sometimes people make up the most elaborate, implausible, stories on the refunds. 

A valid refund would probably be something like "I opened the wrong door".   A phony refund will take a minute or two to explain, and they're looking at our faces the whole time to see if we believe them.  Like I said, we can tell if the refund is valid. 

"It took my change".  When I open the machine, I will find a coin jam. 
"The bill changer took my money" When I open the changer, I will find a bill jam. 
"The soda didn't come out" - I can tell with a test vend.  If I put in money, and won't vend, I'll put up a note and call the repairman. 

Unfortunately, a small minority probably think we make a lot more money than we do.  They think we can afford to hand out money left and right. 

Regarding the bully at work, Ron thinks she is probably envious (I am happily married, she has made comments about my hair before, and we are different races).  I don't know about that - but I would love it if she took early retirement.  She's a very negative person.  I don't see how anyone can spend time with her.  I need to pray for her, and her co-workers. 

Now, that brings me to not being the negative person, myself. 

I took the money out of the machines (when it was quiet), and we went to the bank.  I got paid.  Whoo-hoo-big-money. [laugh]  The rest goes for inventory.  Which, as I said, we need. 

Almost every ride we had was a great ride, with a wonderful driver.  I really love most of my drivers.  I had 2 rides.  Each time the driver was very late.  One of them kept asking if I wasn't mad, was I?  No, I was fine, but I was GETTING annoyed with the questions.  She was just trying to be provoking. 

The other driver went a little further.  I don't know the PC term for "slow" so I will just use the word slow.  There are two slow men, riding the service, who "like" me.  I am married.  I am no more than friendly to them, but they are very interested in me and want to monopolize my attention.  It gets very old. 

I want one admirer: my husband. 

Someone is probably thinking I should just be "nice", well, I don't like strange men grabbing my arm and yelling my name, sitting behind me breathing down my neck, or telling me "You got fat" again and again for a 30 minute ride.  Things like that get really old, really fast, and I'm not being paid to put up with them. 

I have never had the patience required to deal with "slow" people.  I have a lot of virtues.  That is not one of them. 

God help me, if they decide they like me they don't leave me alone for a minute.  I don't like strange people touching me unexpectedly or shouting my name, I have some PTSD. 

So, Ron sits behind me when we ride in the cab, and plays "jealous husband" if they start bothering me.  He is very good at it.  "Leave my woman alone". 

Thank God I never ride without him. 

So, this one guy, Jay, really liked me for quite a while.  He was the one breathing down my neck, yelling my name again and again if I tried to talk to Ron or looked out the window, and yelled "You got fat" for 30 minutes straight on one trip.  He also threw a 32 ounce soda on the floor during a tantrum. 

We haven't seen him in years, and haven't missed him at all. 

The driver apparently had mentioned our name to the guy, and he was clearly very excited to see us.  There were only 2 seats available in the backseat, the middle, and the back passenger. 

Ron and I have a rule, if we both have to sit in the back, he sits in the middle.  I had some unpleasant experiences pressed up next to one man with open sores on his arms, and another guy who didn't understand the concept of "soap".  A lot of the guys are slow, with impulse issues.  One guy kept touching himself all the way to our destination.  I would just as soon have Ron serve as a buffer. 

Ron, himself, is thrilled to serve as my defender.  [And people think I talk trash about him!]  So, the driver opened up the backseat and looked at us.  I told Ron "Get in the middle". 

"No, don't do that, let her sit in the middle" the driver said. 
A.  I am fat.  I will not fit in the middle. 
B.  Jay was literally licking his lips at the thought of sitting next to me. 

"No," I told her "Ron always sits in the middle".  The driver said I was mean or something like that.  I just thanked God I had Ron between us.  Jay kept leaning around Ron and trying to talk to me, but I cried headache and kept rubbing my forehead. 

Sorry, Lord.  I lied. 

It was a short trip, but she kept playing games.  "Oh, did I miss your turn?" Yes, Ron told you and the GPS told you, and you started to turn, but it was more fun to play games.   She wanted to be "Sah-ree"

If the driver makes a real mistake they just correct it.  They don't like to admit it, even if Ron's asking them "Did you miss it?" 

As I got out, I thought "I can't stand games".  Just do your job - do what they are paying you to do, as well as you can, without phony apologies and excuses. 

Ugh.  So, I left us at the bank.  Ron had his wheelchair, so I pushed him to the mall.  He had a cup of Wendy's Chili, with onions and cheese on top.  He loved it. 

By the way, I loathe onions. 

I had a value burger.  It was good. 

We left, had a good pickup, went home.  I took a short nap. 

The only problem with nice days; the neighbor kids play directly outside my bedroom wall.   I love they are a happy family, very quiet, like the cats, respect the property lines.  It is nice to hear happy kids instead of the crying abused ones (that really sucks). 

I just couldn't sleep.  I'll refer you back to the sleepless night with the invisible, biting, bugs.  They really don't exist, until they do. 

I got up and our ride was late (it was the ride with my boyfriend).  Now, for some good news. 

I told you one of our drivers was sick.  I have his address.  I want to deliver or mail, a care package.  So, on my only even partial day off, I wanted to get the things. 

I did that.  I got a nice warm blanket, lip balm, hard candy, lotion, things like that.  I also got a few comfort items. 

I brought my priority mail large flat rate box so I could ensure they'd all fit.  I'm really happy I did that. 

I don't know how long he's got.  I do know he is saved so I don't have to evangelize him. 

I mailed him a card today, too.  More money for the post office. 

Ron says he will see if our friend would like a visit, if not I will mail it.  I got a curly fry for myself, and one for Ron, and then we had a great ride home. 

We had a Yoruba driver, from Nigeria.  He taught us how to say thank you in Yoruba, and we taught him how to say it in Arabic and Amharic. 

That was fun. 

Tomorrow we go to church. 

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Has to offer

Yesterday, I ate some oatmeal rasin cookies.  Later on, I ate some sharp white cheddar (I adore sharp cheddar).  One of them did me in. 

Today, my one-day-off-all-by-myself, I woke up with a migraine.  Miserable. 

I got up, did my  God time, and took a shower.  I watched a little "Criminal Minds" (love that show) and went to bed. 

Ron asked me why I had yet to take my phenergan.  I told him I didn't know, but I did.  Taking it meant admitting I had a migraine. 

Sure enough, it put me under "enough" that I could rest, even though I had wierd dreams about the TV show.  I always have wierd dreams during a migraine. 

It was a lovely day, nice and sunny, beautifully mild, but I didn't dare go out.  Even if I were able, it's been my experience that migraines come back when I'm away from home.  Waiting on the bus with a migraine is a hell I hope you never experience.  Not to mention riding the bus - very loud. 

When I have a migraine, I have intense pain on one side of my head, extreme sensitivity to light-sound-scent, and often nausea.  Sometimes I vomit, boy, those are the worst. 

I used to go to the hospital and get a shot of Imitrex, but it caused me to become manic.  It also gave me symptoms like a heart attack, and I have a family history.  I decided I would rather endure a migraine than have a stroke or heart attack. 

I do know all about the neurological status exam.  Squeeze my hand!  [tired grin]  They always checked me out to make sure it isn't a stroke or some kind of brain hemmorhage. 

So, the only thing I take for a migrine is Excedrin (they are all the same formulation, whether or not it says migraine on the box), because it can help in the beginning.  If the Excedrin (I always take the generic) doesn't do it I go to the phenergan and lie down. 

Ron was exceptionally quiet, just what I needed.  If he ate he didn't heat up the food.  When I got up he had just checked the mail and found 3 talking books.  He was thrilled. 

I hated missing a nice day, but the last time I "had" to stay home (broken toe last year) a murderer was on one of my bus routes.  I always figure it's like the old story of the guy who broke his leg and "missed" the Alamo. 

Besides, I'll have eternity in Heaven.  That will be a lot nicer than anything Earth has to offer. 

I can't fix what's wrong with him.

I slept OK, once I got to sleep, and woke up right about the time of my alarm clock.  It hadn't been set properly, apparently.  I got ...