Today has confirmed something for me

I only want a relationship if God has it for me. I only want a man who loves God and puts Him first,who thinks about pleasing God and not himself (at least most of the time even I don't do that), who finds the idea of a Bible Handout a great time. 

I'm not going to settle. Now that may mean I live alone.  That I don't get the nice, tall, buff, good looking (looking at you, Beau) guy.  But I would rather, as the song goes, be the owner of a lonely heart vs the owner of a broken one. 

I want the right man, or none at all.  

Odds are very high word of the Bible handout got out at work.  At least 2 coworkers are Facebook friends and I posted about it there.  I wasn't far from work as a car goes so someone may have seen me as well.  Beau is gone of course but every remaining single man is going to hear about Heather the Religious Fanatic Who Hands Out Bibles On The Corner.   And that, I suppose, is going to kill any interest assuming anyone had any. 

I'm middle aged, overweight (not obese anymore I think). White. Christian. A widow. I think a lot of guys are more put off by the widow thing than they would be if I were divorced or single with a couple of ex boyfriends. 

Oh, speaking of boyfriends I am going to have to trim my locks. Hair is about down to my waist now. I forget how my aunt phrased it but she had said it looked better shorter.  

Now, when I do a Handout, I wear a purple embroidered ball cap "Ask me for Free Bibles" a Muslim man actually made it for me at the mall. I paid him, of course.  

So I can't put my hair up when I'm doing the Handout.  The ballcap gets in the way and I feel the ball cap is important. But the ponytail kept catching under the shoulder bag and pulling on me. 

I had been planning to cut it shorter anyway but that kind of clinched it.  I had already been thinking shoulder length long layers. Something I can pull back in a short ponytail on very windy days or when I'm doing housework.  So I have a little more motivation on that now. 

I got caught up on all (!) the dishes they are drying now.  Meals next week will be easier, I plan to make PB&J sandwiches and salad for my lunch. Not sure about breakfast, nuts and cheese will work in a pinch.  

That's it for now. 

Some thoughts on my Handout equipment

 While doing the handout today I realized a couple of things.  My safety vest has seen better days and resembled some I had seen on the homeless.  😂  It was also FAR too large at a generous 3x when I am a Men's Large these days. One shoulder kept slipping down like some sort of naughty lingerie which I found funny (of course I had a t shirt on underneath). 

Second, my bag was kind of dingy. I just did this spur of the moment and grabbed what I could but I had to turn the bag around so it looked better.  I have it (emptied now, that took a while) in the wash soaking with a sample of Persil I got at work a while back. Hopefully I can fix it. I really like it a lot and it has been through every Bible handout with me so I'm very fond of it. It is a black and white floral design with a huge capacity and very strong handles, with 3 outside pockets. We'll see.  

I just bought myself a purple safety vest for $10 on Amazon apparently I am a Large in safety vest. I measured. My chest is only 44 inches now it used to be over 50. Interestingly enough the hip and chest measurement match now, they didn't used to, I think. 

I need to do some housework now I think I am going to turn on the TV to keep me company. 

That's it for now. 

I had a great Bible Handout

 It has been at least 4 years since my last Bible Handout, my husband was very sick and then I was working. I prayed about it and felt led to go to the first place I did a Bible Handout, actually. So I went, it was a hassle getting there on the bus but I did hand out a couple of Bibles on the way.  

I used my grocery cart which is not rated for the kind of loads I do for a Handout but I managed, but I will get a sturdier hand cart for the next one.  

I had a case of KJV, and a case of very nice bound Bibles I found in the garage.  They were all "Gift and Award" type, gilt edges, indexes, very fancy and WAY beyond my budget.  I finally figured it out.  I also had a reserve case I had to tap a few times when people wanted extra. 

When I was doing the Handouts I was buying all my evangelism Bibles from Lifeway as they had the best prices, they were selling them at cost just to get the Word out. I bought thousands of them various types.  One time on a Handout a lady asked where I bought my Bibles and I told her, the next time I went in they had 300 New Testaments for me "From a sponsor".  Those were old days, glory days, and I handed them out in pretty short order, back for more.  

So they did a fundraiser and asked everyone checking out if they would like to buy a Bible to support my ministry (I had no idea of this).  They had a photo I had given them for their prayer wall of me and Ron with Free Bibles signs and probably had that up, and gave me cases of very nice donated Bibles.  

I believe I found one of those in the garage last night when I was going through what I have left (not much) of my Bibles.  The clue to me the shipping label did NOT have my address, it had Lifeway's, and it had the word "Donations" on the side. 

At any rate they were tremendously popular and I got them all (about 20) handed out in about an hour.  Then I had more donated Bibles from a board member these were KJV. Now if a recipient asks for a special translation it is always KJV. So those were also very popular.  

I did NOT bring my case of Spanish Bibles as I was afraid of overloading my poor cart (I had 3 cases already) so I brought Spanish Scripture booklets which were incredibly popular.  I need to bring at least 50 more booklets, and a case of Spanish Bibles, next time I work that corner. 

I also had some "Value of Trials" tracts (God uses them to make us lean on Him,and better people more able to do His work) I handed out to a few people as led.  

The only person to offer me money this time was a one legged homeless man in a wheelchair.  He was very upset but I told him the Bibles were donated and I had a day job. 

I worked a little over 2 hours, handed out about 50 or so Bibles (I don't keep track as I have pride issues), and went to the taco truck after and had a delicious quesadilla.  Then I came home. 

No one called the police on me this time (they had several times before when I worked that corner) I guess they remembered I don't take money. That's it for now!  I'm taking a nap. 

Well, well, well

 Squeamish skip to +++ 

Months ago, I decided my cycles were irregular at best and I couldn't predict when I'd have one.  So I got some cloth pads and menstrual cups and just use those suckers every day, take it out at night,wash off, air dry on counter, insert the next morning. It was worked well. 

How well was proven last night when I took out my cup and found I had started my cycle. I washed it out and reinstalled it for the night, took it out this morning,washed it out (nothing there?) and reinstalled it. But the cycle started. Which resets my menopause clock. It was over a tablespoon, too, not spotting like I had in February. 

Cloth pads go in the wash every day, I have them just in case the cup leaks (but it hasn't, so far). It works for me. So hopefully the bloat will go, already my abdomen looks better not so puffy. 

++++

I slept pretty well but my hip was bugging me a little.  I was working with the Bibles in the garage and getting ready for a Bible Handout today (haven't left yet).  I have over 2 cases in my cart, I hope I have not overloaded it. I'm not sure where I'm going I will have to see what looks good. I want to go to the right place. 

So if you pray I will take it. I have some REALLY nice gift and award Bibles the recipients will love I don't remember when I got them but I like them. They have the gold trim and everything.  

I'm going to take my shower and do my God Time. 

All done, not sure where I am going yet I will get out there on the bus and see.  

That's it for now. 

"Please don't let the pit bulls on the bus"

 Well that was not fun. 

I went out to subdivision bus stop, saw JW's again and went to Kroger. I got my Power Greens, Wowbutter, etc. They have very high prices on bagged candy so I took my handcart and went to the transit center.  

When I got off, I told my driver "I'll see you soon" and she said "You won't" so I thought she was done for the day. But I get off and walk to my stop and there are 2 pit bulls at the bus stop tied together with a piece of rope. The dogs aren't too skinny and are attentively watching a man on the bench.  

I see blood on him and realize he has 2 bad lacerations on his head, one on either side. He is ranting nonsense, acting drunk.  It was a bad flash back to Old Days let me tell you he could have been Ron right down to the laceration (Ron fell and cut his head a couple of times, drinking). 

I notice my driver getting off with her stuff and she runs up the line of buses, gets in another bus, slams the door shut, and drives away.   The guy who brought the second bus moseys up the sidewalk towards us and the man sees him, gets up, confronts him, babbling nonsense and swaying on his feet.  A man (not the driver) approaches the injured man (and his dogs, who are following him) and hands him a short, hand-rolled smoke which he lights up and inhales deeply. 

I don't smell tobacco, or pot, so I don't know what it is but assume it is illegal so now he is head injured, drunk, AND high with two pit bulls watching him attentively. The bus driver gapes at him and asks if he would like an ambulance.  

"I don't need no, you know.." the guy replies and embarks on a long and rambling request which makes no sense. The bus driver says "I can't help you" and turns to me and another man waiting patiently at our bus stop.  "Why didn't you catch the bus?"  

"What do you mean?"  

"The driver who just left was your bus" I realize the bus driver did not tell us because she did not want to deal with the injured man and his dogs. I was not happy. 

I had to wait a while feeling very uncomfortable as I am watching that man and his dogs.  I am afraid of dogs, especially dogs with a bad reputation. 

I hate drunks and am completely burned out on the head injured.  Besides, he refused medical assistance. 

But, I am not thinking about Beau anymore. No, sirree. 

The next bus comes and I get on quickly with my hand cart,lean forward (driver is behind a plastic partition) and say 'Please don't let the dogs on the bus". 

"WHAT?"  I lean forward around the partition. "DON'T DO THAT"  

I say it louder even though the man is right behind me now, "Please don't let the pit bulls on the bus" The driver is in a secure compartment away from the bus,and the dogs, unlike Old Days when she was accessible to anyone/thing on the bus. 

"I CAN'T DO THAT" she shouts at me as I go to sit "SIR IS THAT A SERVICE DOG?"  

"DO YOU WANT IT TO BE?" he replies.  "These are my dogs, I got some problem, I gotta go home and feed them..."

"SIT DOWN" she tells him.  I was so upset and felt very betrayed. YOU are nice and cozy behind your partition but I have to sit out here with the drunk man (could refuse ride for that) and the dogs (clearly not service animals). It was a long and uncomfortable ride to my point and I couldn't wait to get off.  

The store was very packed and it was not much fun shopping, I had gone out later than normal.   I got all my candy and some bags, mainly. I couldn't wait to get out of there. 

I got home OK, JW's were gone by that point. I had texted some people asking for prayer as I felt very uncomfortable and I texted them letting them know I was OK. 

I put my stuff away and called my parents,took a nap. Woke up with the Spot Man right next to my head on the pillow. That was awesome. 

That's it for now. 

Edit to add: The day I found Biscuit and Gravy Biscuit tried to follow me on the bus; and the driver forbade it. 5 month old kitten gets a hard pass but grown unaltered (I"m sure) pit bulls are allowed. 

You wont believe this

 I cant believe the bus driver let 2 pit bulls on the bus but the man said they were service dogs.  No leash and the man is bloody and slurring his words.

VERY UNCOMFORTABLE

I forgot to mention yesterday's cheat meal

 First of all they had an award meal for doing well on safety, at work.  They had a build your own sandwich bar and cupcakes. 

Whenever the bakery does cupcakes for a work event they do half with dark blue icing and half with a medium yellow icing.  The blue icing stains everything, hands, nails, teeth, clothes.  So I avoid the blue cupcakes.  I also can't eat chocolate due to migraines so that reduced me to 25% of the cupcakes, a white one with yellow icing.  

Anyway I didn't want a sandwich for my cheat meal, I wanted a deli meal.  Apparently they are about $5 for employees, which is better than I thought.  She took her time and got me 3 plump chicken strips, an abundance of potato wedges, and macaroni and cheese.  She really gave me a lot of wedges. 

And the interesting thing, I ate the chicken strips, about half the macaroni, and only a few potato wedges and I was done. I just didn't want more.  Then I had a yellow cupcake. The frosting is very good. 

And that was it. 

Early Saturday morning

 I slept pretty well but woke up after about 5-6 hours, went to sleep, woke up again. I had Biscuit who is as always completely awesome.  

I still can't believe someone threw him out like trash; and that someone else would deliberately kick him again and again.  But he's mine now and very well loved.  

Speaking of love, ever since I heard about Beau's visa troubles I can't stop thinking of the movie "Green Card".  Link  NO I am not going to propose that but it's funny.  

I can focus on getting my head together and losing some weight so I am "better" if/when he comes back.  If he doesn't I am sure Jesus will appreciate the effort, and He's always with me. 

It is kind of sad I had gotten a little arrogant "I am celibate and I don't need anyone" and then this hits for whatever reason, and God allowed it to hit - I guess in part to teach me more empathy and humility.  

Biscuit is sacked out on the back of the couch.  I've had him for eight and a half years now and I have never seen him take to a place the way he has this couch. I will just lint roll it often unfortunately the cover is a dark navy and he is mostly white. 

But it's a losing battle anyway because I have 2 bicolor cats and a calico, some color of fur is going to show up on whatever I get.  And I'm OK with that, I think a little pelo de gato (cat hair) makes the whole outfit. 

At this moment I am pretty much caught up on laundry except for bedding, I need to get that. It's always fun stripping, and making, a bed with a cat "helping", in this case Mr Spotty. I got it made. It hasn't been too hot or too cool so I have a quilt, blanket, top sheet and that's it. When it gets really cold I pile on the blankets. I prefer to do it that way. With a comforter you only have 2 heat settings on and off, with blankets you can say "I want 2 blankets tonight and throw one off in the middle of the night". 

Interestingly enough I have never had a night sweat. 

That's it for now.  

Friday night

 I admit I was distracted at work today.  I had no idea Beau was so built.  And it is not working out it is just working. Hm.  That is all I will say.  

I have decided it is OK to want a guy who is in good physical shape,not for sex but as a partner.  A nice strong shoulder to cry on.  Not someone who is going to fall down if I take my arm away.  

To quote my grandmother "I don't want an old man" not for years to come. Of course nothing is promised but Ron was not in great shape when we met.  

But I got my work done in spite of my boss coming by to pick, pick, pick at EVERY opportunity.  It is exhausting.  Everyone was exhausted today.  

I got it all done and clocked out, did my shopping. I got some air fresheners, "Fresh Linen" plug in and a cone, then a Febreeze small space lemon one. I got some powdered drink mix and some 2 liters of diet caffeine free soda, one I'm drinking now. 

I also found a really cute pair of flare leggings. I like them a lot. They were priced at over $9 but scanned at $7.48. I was really happy to see that. 

Sometimes I wonder how much to share.  Bathroom issues at work can be problematic as we have tiny stalls, very busy, they try to keep it clean but there are nasty people, horrible thin toilet paper. So I got some individual wipes I can stick in my pocket if needed.  Things used to be more predictable and certain things only happened at home first thing in the morning but that has been changing. So I need to adjust. I think what I did should be sufficient. 

Speaking of toilet paper I got a luxury brand. No, I don't "need" it but I use 3x as much of the cheap stuff if I buy it. So I might as well get the good stuff. This is the one with the ripples.  

I didn't buy cat stuff as I already bought TOO MUCH this morning. 

My cab driver buddy understands me very well; I told him 6:15, he came at 6 and I was ready. I also had his tip and a large chocolate bar. He loves those things. 

We got home pretty quick and I put everything away. Biscuit is doing well.  There is a guy from Centerpoint next door doing something to their meter. I am curious to see it he heads my way. 

My parents are going to call me when they get a minute, that's it for now. 

Beau came by

 To say goodbye.  

Our work vests are very unflattering he was in casual clothes.  He looked fantastic, with very strong shoulders...sigh...had some impure thoughts.  

He said it was a combination family and immigration thing, he hoped to be back in a month or two.  He said he was very sorry to go and got choked up.  

I had to go but I put my arm on his shoulder (!) And said goodbye.  

So that's it for now with him.  Had my cheat meal at work will talk more about it later.

I know B is on a budget and international calls are expensive so I think that's why he didn't ask for my number.  Or maybe he just faked it all today but I feel good how I left it.

Friday morning

 We carry a line of Latino-themed "Remedios" (remedies) old time herbal stuff like Jamaica tea for blood pressure, etc. They also had passion flower for sleep and when I have drunk it, it helped. And it did help some. 

I woke up with 2 cats in my bed, Cleo and Biscuit. Biscuit was his usual magnificent land whale self and very rumbly, Cleo actually sat on my abdomen as I lay on my back and purred at me too. She is getting incrementally bolder with me. 

If you are an old time LCF poster I have a "jiggly puff" (retained water probably a precursor, please God let it be a precursor, to weight loss) on my abdomen so I am hoping to see some losses.  But I have the quirk I don't look at my body much so not sure how long it has been there. Last couple days I weighed it was 190 which was an overnight jump of about 7 pounds on some very clean eating, so I have to assume this is menstrual. 

I am up an entire clothing size NOT happy about this - I had planned to buy some cute jeans after work. I do hear from my friend who does apparel markdowns jeans are going on clearance soon so I will have to keep an eye out. I would like a couple of 14's because I will get down there eventually and it is really hard to find cute, non destroyed, flare leg jeans. 

I like the flair, of a flare leg, and it's also cooler (as in temperature) to wear. I have a feeling it's going to be a warm summer. 

By the way I can't do diuretics because it is apparently VERY BAD with my medication. So I won't. But I am tempted about now. 

So I slept OK and got up at a decent hour; I put my "fat pants" in the wash so I have something cute to wear.  I can still fit most of my 16's but according to a size chart I just accessed my waist is more of an 18 right now. My hips, on every size chart, are consistently a size smaller than my waist so I will just have to live with looser in the hips long term I think.  I have a 7 inch gap between waist and hips. Which is pretty much what I had as a teen, as well. 

I woke up with a headache today so I took some Excedrin around 4. I have the oddest feeling I will see Beau today and get to say goodbye. We will see.  It was nice knowing him and hopefully he will come back. 

I was told I can't leave candy in my work area anymore so I will have to carry it in my vest.  Cue very crowded work vest!  It will make me look fat but so be it. I think the candy is important.  

I will come back and post more before I go. 

I just spent a lot on the cats... pretty funny actually.  I would NEVER just drop $125 on myself but for the cats?  You bet.  Chewy is like half the price of my store when it comes to cat food, I'd be an idiot not to get that.  Best price on Advantage 2 and my store doesn't even sell it so no guilt there.  And some DE I can sprinkle around the house and not worry about getting the cats sick.  

1

Iams Protective Health Urinary Tract Healthy Chicken Adult Dry Cat Food, 22-lb bag

1

Harris Food Grade Diatomaceous Earth, 4-lb bag

1

Advantage II Flea Spot Treatment for Cats, over 9 lbs, 6 Doses (6-mos. supply)

 

And Beau

 Is taking a leave of absence 😭

Horribly depressed today

 Trying to give a good day's work but its hard.

I feel very fat and bloated, and hopeless about weight loss in general.  I have to figure all this is hormonal, probably the depression, too.

More when I get home later.  

Thursday morning

 Well the storms came through last night.  A pretty uneventful night of sleep, I kept waking up but I guess that is my new normal for a while. I had all 3 cats in the bed when I got up so that was incredible.  

I had a nightmare someone broke in my house and coincidentally Ron was alive as well too. Still crippled in the dream, you think my mind would give him a break. 

Moderately depressed but I only have 2 days, and I should see my friend today. 

I don't think I mentioned this, last week I ran into a fixture at work (I just didn't see it coming) and have a spectacular bruise but my Time and Tru tshirts (I have many, I got them all on clearance) cover it up.  I don't want to walk around black and blue if I can avoid it. 

But it does remind me of the time I got mugged the guy was grabbing my arms violently as we fought and you could see the bruises coming minutes later; the officer who investigated said that made it a felony. Anyway I had these deep black finger marks all over my white arms.  

I didn't think much of it as I was telling everyone who'd listen about the mugging, and I always wear t shirts to work unless it is very cold (it wasn't). But Ron came to me one day at work and said I had to wear long sleeves because the men at work were making threats they would beat HIM up if I showed up to work looking like that again.  

All the times he did hit me and the one time people called him on it he was innocent. At any rate I did wear long sleeves until I got better (about 2 weeks).  And the threats worked: it was a long time before he hit me again. 

Early morning thoughts.  I am going to take my shower. 

 About my so called drive; I did have one in my teens Ron thought he hit the jackpot.  But events and antidepressants, I asked God to 'take it" and He did, until quite recently. I am not sure why He gave it back.  I would rather not have it.  I guess His way of saying I have something left for another husband.  

By the way yesterday going into the store I saw a man coming the other direction. He was clean cut,wearing some sort of Jesus t shirt and wearing a cross.  

And that's what I really crave: a spiritual leader who will pray with me, keep me accountable on my walk, ask for my prayer and support on his issues, go on Bible Handouts together or some other evangelism. Someone who will bring me a big sack of the candy I hand out, as a gift, because he knows that's what I really want.  But the theology has got to be 100%.  

That's it for now. 

Wednesday night

I just climbed out of a rabbit hole of pet supplement websites.  

Biscuit has been itchy and I am happy to relate I REMEMBERED where I had the emergency dose of Advantage 2 if something like this happened.   Biscuit of course played the tragic martyr, but he will feel better soon now.  

I have been debating getting name brand Advantage vs. generic and from what I recall my experiences with the generic were not great, so when it's time to reorder I will get the name brand.  I decided against probiotics or vitamin chews as Biscuit is on a special diet. 

So, this morning I was exhausted from sleeping poorly.  I think I figured out it is my allergy pill which is SUPPOSED to make me tired, but FAS'ers can have backwards metabolism on things and I think that's the case here. I think the allergy pill is keeping me up.  So no pill tonight and I will take it tomorrow morning.  

But I got up, did everything, went to work. While at work (paycheck dropped in my checking) I decided to get a few smaller, lighter things on my list.  Like bait. I thought I saw a small roach this morning but my glasses were off.  I am keeping the house cleaner than ever but I do live in Texas, and unfortunately my bag sits in a breakroom right next to the grocery receiving area (roaches!  all over the breakroom!) for hours a day and then I bring it home.  NOT ideal; I sure wish I had a car with a trunk. 

So I put my stuff in a cart, walked in the store, went right over to "Chemicals" and got an ant bait (hate them, too) and a roach bait. I got the jeans I wanted.  I put the baits on top of the jeans not really thinking about it.  And I ran into the (upper) management team "doing a walk" (store inspection). The manager greeted me and I said hi back, then, not thinking, said "I think it's funny I just got paid and my money's going back to Walmart already" gesturing at my cart.  And every eye went to the roach baits.  I could have crawled under a display I was so embarrassed. But it's Texas!  EVERYONE has this problem I hear...most pay for an exterminator to come and spray but I have the cats, and a history of migraines related to pesticides. We parted ways and I went and paid for everything, crammed it in my bag and went to work.  

Parts of my job have changed.  I adapted while my boss was out but she didn't necessarily agree.  Today she said he likes the way I have been doing things and (what I do now) will be my job. That is fine. Glad we are happy.  I got my break and my lunch.  

Made it to 3. I was coming back from the bathroom when I heard meowing.  And I saw a young man in a shopping cart surrounded by kittens. Siamese.  They were glorious.  I squealed over them as any cat lady would and the mother begged me to take one.  

"I'd take two" I told her "But my cats would never forgive me"  I could just see Biscuit in my head looking at me accusingly for the thought.

But, seriously, if you're getting a kitten get two and they will be great friends, and twice the love for you.  Then you don't have to worry about kitty while you're at work and he's alone for 12 hours. He has a friend.  

NICE cats though. I have always liked Siamese.  Never had one though. 

I rode home on the bus (long ride as usual but no drama).  I talked to my aunt, and my parents.  The jeans don't fit so I need to size up if they have it, return them, or keep them for when I do lose weight.  I didn't have time to try them on.  

They are fantastic jeans, though.  The Celebrity Pink flare leg (non destroyed) dark wash.  Nice flare on the legs, high waist, just not my size. 

I got some grease on my vest eating breakfast so I had to wash it when I got home.  After my phone calls I did some research on flea products for cats. I really prefer the Advantage 2 as that has worked very well in the past. I looked at different stuff fell down a rabbit hole but got out long enough to blog. 

And my vest is done so time to log off and go to bed.  Night, all. 

Tuesday evening

 I noticed some changes (no I will not elaborate) which indicate to me I may be getting ready for a cycle in a few weeks. I have this image of my reproductive organs frantically racing to get me pregnant before the clock runs out,which would explain the sudden interest in men when everything's been dead for years.  A little hard to get pregnant without a man!  

No I do not want a baby, even though we do sell cute baby clothes. But that's my theory and it makes as much sense as anything. I have never had bloating like I have recently. It will definitely keep me eating clean for the duration. 

And I wear the cup every day, take it out every night, wash and air dry. Then I boil it once a week and rotate it with the other cup. It has worked so far and should provide a decent level of protection if/when I get a cycle. 

I drank some Powerade Zero, a lot of water, some Dandelion root tea, chewed a slice of ginger (and ate it), will drink some apple cider vinegar in water, etc. to help with the bloating.   If I really do have a cycle coming that means I will have a couple good weeks of weight loss as well. 

I am a little worried about work but I stick to the fact I did my primary job. I didn't finish the secondary job but I did my primary one.  Problem is work is rife with gossips and tattle tales watching my every move. 

That's it for now. 

Tuesday afternoon

DID NOT SLEEP WELL

Boss was in a bad mood and assigned me extra work which I could not finish. So I will have to deal with that tomorrow.  

I am very bloated today and my weight is up several pounds.  I believe my body is making a last ditch effort at fertility. I will see in the next couple days. 

I got a ride home so I will be taking a nap, come back and fill this in. 

Oh and the flare leg jeans I need an opinion on it tonight, tomorrow. Short version, we have a very cute dark wash, NON destroyed, flare leg jean which I want to be wearing this summer. I am sure I fit the 17 (the fitting room is broken). But as I lose weight I would have to have it tailored, along with my other jeans. So I could just buy the 15 and set it aside until I lose weight and then I have a fun prize. 

Do I get the 17 so I can wear it now?  Leaning that way, I only have one other pair of flare legs that fit right now. 

More later. 

Tuesday morning in a rush

 I only have a couple minutes before work. 

Didn't see Beau much but he came by when he usually does, chatted a minute.  My taskmaster boss is back from leave so I had to break it off and get back to work, but I told him "I take my last break at 3".  I thought that was clear enough. 

He didn't show.  So I know. And that is all I'm putting myself out there.  He's off the next 2 days anyway unless extremely unlikely event he comes in on his day off. 

I am not sleeping well I think because Biscuit has fleas. Now, fleas hate me.  They used to bite Ron but they never bother me, knock on wood.  But poor Biscuit has been digging and scratching all night so I think that keeps me up. 

But I get paid Wednesday so I will get him his Advantage 2 which works the best for my guys I have found, and it's a topical so I don't have to try to get a pill down Cleo.  I may get some Capstar as well and mash that up in some wet food for Biscuit.  That way he's getting it inside and out, and I can work the Advantage into my budget. 

My hard part will be keeping the cats from licking each other before it's dry.  That's it for now.  

Going ok getting off the soda

 Mild headache is all; not as thirsty.  Not looking good to see Beau today but maybe absence will clear things up for us; if there is an "us".  Thats it for now.

So much for my theory

 I thought it was the caffeine in the Mountain Dew that was keeping me up. I didn't have a drop and I was up all night, I am exhausted and have huge bags under my eyes.  

I don't do makeup so I am amazed Beau comes around seeing me with bags/circles under my eyes every day. But maybe he likes a "real" woman. 

Cats are good Biscuit slept with me, he threw up in my computer chair sometime last night but I keep a towel in all my chairs for just that. He's a "Scarf and barf" kind of boy. 

That's it for now. 

Spotty pictures

 I am doing OK getting off the diet soda, better than I thought, but am battling some pretty bad depression. I got the food cooked for next week and did the dishes.  Laundry is caught up. 

I plan to do some sweeping. I don't know if I am up for mopping pretty depressed; tried to take a nap and couldn't sleep.  I think I'm going to force myself into it anyway...

So I was sitting in my chair (backstory on photos) and Spotty came in meowing his head off, ran over to the couch, jumped up next to me. 

He knows I'm depressed and he's a GOOD boy.  Painting in photos above Spotty to the right was done by my birth mother. It's one of the few things I have of hers.  

Well my brother called while I was blogging, that was an hour. He seems lonely. Too bad he is in Florida but he hates Houston.  

That's it for now. 

Well that's a call I didn't want

 Important people have a ring tone on my phone.  My boss, my family, etc.  So Jack has one.  I had laid down for a nap (couldn't sleep) and it went off.  

I knew he had gone to Galveston this weekend so I asked if he was having fun, he said yes, so much he wouldn't be helping me tomorrow. 

Well, crap.  I knew my cab driver buddy has a standing appointment weekdays to take someone else to work and of course they take priority.  So I called him and he said he can come at 7:45 and take me to work.  I will be ready by 7:30 of course.  I start at 9. 

Thank God I have a ride.  I had a guy lost a job at our store because he relied on a Lyft to take him to his orientation. It was late, he was late, he lost the job. He was pretty upset. 

While I like Uber for grocery stores and things like that I would not want to count on them for a ride to work.  

Speaking of there is a young girl in my department.  Has a car that runs well, is always, ALWAYS late to work by 15 minutes, half an hour, every day. They have been giving her rope but she is about out of second chances. 

But my buddy came through so I am happy.  

A list

 What I plan to do differently next time: 

• Take my time.  I don't plan to go looking but will evaluate single men placed in my path. 
• Only get serious about saved men and take him on a Bible Handout for the first date so I can assess his commitment level and how he handles rejection. 
• Make sure he loves cats; my Dad does not and "made" my adoptive mother give hers up, only "let" her have two cats their whole marriage. 
• Keep working.  Walmart has been good to me (bruise on my arm non withstanding) and I need to be financially independent. 
• If I remarry, make him sign a prenup. I'm not losing the house over a man. 
• No drinking or very light drinking. 
• Take my time with him so I can see any red flags.
• Hard nos: no head injury, no one I need to take care of (yet). 
• Safe driver  

I have asked God for 2 small favors. Now God doesn't,pardon the language, have to do a damned thing for me.  One that the right man for me, if he is at work, bring me one of 3 small gifts (all less than $2.50).  We will see. 

Second, that Cleo get in his lap.  Now, a little about Cleo.  She was my toughest rescue but I left her alone to see how she liked my home, and one day woke up to her in my bed. She had decided to be my house cat.  She doesn't get in my lap.  She is afraid of me when I am upright. But in bed,lying down, she is the sweetest and most affectionate cat ever.  But if she's in the room when I put a call on speaker she runs away hearing a strange voice.  

So that will be a tremendous "God thing" because she's just so fearful. She's a sweet cat but her fear is turned up to 10 and she is always at Threat Level Red unless it is bedtime. That's going to be a God thing. 

That's it for now. 

Why DID I stay?

  It's a very good question. I stayed for 29 years; almost all of them bad.  Varying levels of physical and emotional abuse. 

I used to think it was only abuse if he put me in the hospital. But what about the time I ended up in the hospital from a kidney infection because he wouldn't clean himself?  

Anyway for the first 10 years or so it was money.  At one point I made a very concerted effort to get out and the only place I could find was sharing a 1 bedroom apartment with a couple, their toddler, and newborn.  I would get a corner of the living room for my stuff (and you know the toddler would have been in it every minute) for $500 a month.  Or renting a room in a houseful of pagans (he was very open about it), I forget what they wanted.  So I gave up and "made it work" with Ron.  

I had actually planned to leave Ron when I moved to Houston.  The plan I had (I had a good office job with benefits), I told him "I'll move first make sure it is OK and then you come later". Of course the minute I got to Houston I planned to tell him it was over; but he figured it out somehow and put in his notice at work and with the landlord (both who were thrilled to get rid of him) and I "had" to take him. 

Then he started the business and I left the good office job to go work for him, to be completely under his thumb financially. Then I was really stuck. I had thought he would value and appreciate me if he really "needed" me.  I was wrong. He would verbally harangue me at work in front of the other employees and customers. Go in the stockroom with the other employees and shut the door. God knows what they were doing. 

He was cheating the whole time, verbally abusing me,having blackouts, and physically abusing me during them, listening for porn and forcing me to listen to him doing that while he did.  He said the physical abuse wasn't his fault because he was drunk and "he had to drink as the business was very stressful".  

So there you have me at the time of the accident, working for menial wage for someone who seems to hate me most of the time. I can't leave him because I'll never get a job reference. I am not making any money just an allowance basically. 

So he got run over; I had a chance to leave then but his family hated him and wanted to put him in some hellhole Medicaid facility the minute they could. I felt sorry for him and felt I couldn't leave a  dog like that,much less the man I did love in spite of everything. 

Again,I thought if I stayed he would see my sacrifice, value, appreciate, and respect me from that point.  When he woke up he was great at first but as his brain recovered he went back to old ways and worse.  

We worked in a federal building and they had a sign up for years saying if you had a felony conviction of any kind,or a misdemeanor conviction for domestic violence,you would lose your security clearance.  So I was really stuck: if I reported him we would lose the business, the house, everything including my cats. 

When I got diagnosed I felt like I owed it to him to stay because he had stayed with me for 14 years of me unmedicated, even though,one night I was suicidal he put a knife in my hand and said "Why don't you do it?"  I still felt I owed him, his family wasn't any better, and he would have been in some sort of assisted living if I left.  And where would I go?  What about the cats?  

And over all of that the fact that Ron held all the money in his name,he wouldn't even put my name on his checking account until  a year before he died and only then because I could not make deposits or do our change transactions unless I was on the account.

My family didn't want to hear any of it; but when she lived in Houston my aunt would pick me up to stay a night at her place now and then when Ron was a clear threat to my safety

So anyway that's why I stayed.   

"He's got to love Jesus"

 Oh I forgot to mention something. One of my coworkers was asking me why I was in such a good mood the other day, another, more observant, coworker (female) said "She just saw her boyfriend" (Beau had just come by). I blushed, couldn't help that. 

The other day this observant co worker asked me what I was looking for in a man.  I was proud of my response "He's got to love Jesus and he's got to love cats".  I have not had an opportunity to ask Beau about salvation status but he made a point of telling me he loves cats, that one of the worst things that happened to him was when a neighbor (where he used to live) killed his cat and went around bragging about it. Beau,ah,reacted.  But I would likely do the same thing and I saw that as a positive. 

So that is out in the wind that I am looking for a saved man. I make a point of not discussing faith at work although I do offer to (silently) pray for people. But that is #1.  

Ron did not act like a saved man. I want a man who will see I am having a hard time, come up to me, put his hand on my hand or arm and pray for me. I desperately want that.  I don't want an unsaved man anymore than I want an alcoholic.  

Now off to do my Bible study and practice what I preach. 👍

Sunday morning

 I didn't sleep great but it was better.  I suspect my caffeine use is not as big a factor in my sleep troubles as I might have hoped.  

I did figure out my (generic) Flonase nasal spray question of "Did I take it?'  Tired of playing that game, lately.  

I took a half piece of paper and I drew four squares on it.  AM DIDN'T TAKE, AM TOOK, PM DIDN'T TAKE, PM TOOK.  So it sits in the "didn't take" square until I take it and then it gets moved to "taken" so, at a glance, I can look at it and see where I am. Because it does work very well.  

The problem with using it my sense of smell is more acute and that is not always a good thing at a large retail store, passing the bathroom for instance...😱  It's a lot worse now. But I can smell my perfume better and that's nice.  

I had the cat tank top in my photo yesterday.  Well it was showing the top of my bra so I don't plan to wear it in public but it's cute so I am wearing it at home. It's colder today, in the 60's, and overcast with rain forecast. I am glad I got out yesterday. 

I am debating what to say if anyone sees my bruise at work. On the one hand I want to say something like "I ran into a fixture" and leave it at that. Which I will likely do. It doesn't hurt though not even even in bed, and I sleep on my side. 

I am finishing the last of the laundry then I will start thinking about housework.  That's it for now. 

Saturday evening

 I had been getting a little sloppy with my medication and I CANNOT. That way lies ruin; a good book on the subject is "What Goes Up" it is a story about a professional man with bipolar who left his medication at home when he went on vacation, and it eventually killed him. 

So I did all that up.  I was also having issues like "Did I take the allergy pill?" so I put that in my pill organizer along with the mood stuff. I just need to figure out how I am going to do the Flonase. 

I talked to my parents, they are doing well. My one nephew is a certified paramedic and working on becoming a full blown fire man. He is in the academy right now. 

My other nephew is leaving his career in finance to become a paramedic and then likely a fireman as well.  The interesting thing we have a family history of firemen going back over 100 years.  It skipped my brothers but has come out in their sons.  I think that is cool.  

I would absolutely date a saved fireman. 

But I figure more likely to end up with someone from work or a bus driver. 

Anyway parents are doing well. I am tired and going to bed early. Have a good night!  

Saturday afternoon

 I have decided to take today off, basically. I went to Kroger, got some tea (bags), got my power greens,gave the nice lady in produce a bag of candy. 😂  When I left she was showing it off to her coworker. I went to the transit center and talked to a machinist who worked in vending machines for a while.  Why a machinist was riding the bus?  DUI?  Lost his license would be my guess due to DUI's.  But it made the time pass.  

Went to my other grocery store and got some more caramels (Lily at work begged for more "leches" which I assume are milk caramels, and my one supervisor likes the caramel cubes, the other 2 managers like the pink lollipops from my blue bag pinata mix). I also got more tamarindos.  They are very inexpensive and very, very popular.  Beau likes the mild ones, my co worker likes the hot ones. I had plenty of the hot mix candy at home already but gaped at the ten pound bag available for sale now. I thought five pounds was hard core...

And I got the pink (bag) and blue (bag) pinata mix because between them we have something for everyone. And I won't have to go after work next week.I am kind of done with that after that freak on the bus the other night. Came home from that. 

I do have plenty of bagged, decaf, tea,and some drink mix so I will be OK on drinks for next week. I already have the tuna and sausage (sounds revolting, together) for my meals next week. I handed out most of my candy today.  

When I get off the bus, I "check my phone" "tie my shoe"etc until I can see if anyone got off after me,and then if someone does (about one time out of 6) I "work with my phone"until they pass me and go ahead and then I follow them.  I am getting smarter. 

My street smarts are pretty badly lacking due in part I think to the brain damage but I am working on it. I also try to call my aunt on my way home. 

I had a good nap with Biscuit smack on top of me, he was very soothing. He is a wonderful cat. I can't believe someone threw him out and that woman was kicking him in the head when I found him.  But he saved me, don't get it wrong. He was a real rock for me after Ron died. I woke with a headache but the Excedrin is working. 

I got a bottle of 200 headache pills (OTC) at work the other day so I am OK for a while and I don't know what kind of headaches I will face as I get off the soda. 

That's it for now; I'm going to go do up my pills. 

Saturday noon

 Some times, especially Saturdays, I feel like I'm living the same week over and over again. The other day at work the speakers were playing "Elanor Rigby" I think it is.  "It's just another day"

Today felt the same, leaving. I handed out "my" candy as I went along my day.  I did not give a bag to the gacked out tweaker at the grocery store (a woman) who kept pestering me with "questions" mainly about how she should react to being "disrespected" by men.  I said "Blow it off and ignore them" but she kept asking.  

You can bet I wasn't giving her candy and literally feeding her after that.  Her teeth were black, her skin was bad (she was white), she was homeless.  I felt bad for her in an abstract way - she was also manic - but at some point she was told she was bipolar and needed medication.  At some point she refused all that.  At some point her behavior was so bad whoever was in her life threw her out in the street. And she is so into the drugs now only God can haul her out.  

But she also posed a threat to my personal safety.  It is odd but true I do not fear blacks and latinos as much as I do other whites.  The whites I see around the bus stop are generally off the chain mentally ill and drugged up on something illegal; they don't take what they should and do take what they shouldn't.  So while I am much more willing to minister to other races I tend to be very reticent with my own.  At least the ones around here, on my bus lines. 

I had no problem giving a bag of Spanish candy to a sweet old abuelita and her grandson on the bus today but I wouldn't get within 10 feet of the other lady. She put my hackles up and I trust my hackles. 

Oh by the way regarding love at work; I asked God for a specific sign if He had a certain man for me.  That the chosen one, if you will 😂 (definitely going to be a special order whoever he is) will give me a certain inexpensive gift.  It is easy enough for God to put that in the man's head. 

And another guy at work gave me something not that different from what I had asked for.  😂  Not what I was expecting!  The other guy is very nice but very, very, quiet.   So who knows; I am keeping my heart open. Beau is much more friendly and outgoing but if he's not for me he's not for me.  I do enjoy talking to him. 

Why all the interest in love?  Sitting at that funeral a month ago I realized I didn't want to die alone. 

On an unrelated note I am drinking a 6 pack of Diet Dew bottles every day at work.  So my plan is to wean off them this weekend.  I got some decaf tea, I also got some of the drink mix packets. The drink mix is not ideal as it has aspartame but I can do that for a week or so as I "cancel" the Dew and then switch to tea and water. That can only help my health.  

I read an article about aspartame aggravating depression and I am battling a depression right now, I can use help.  

I am doing a load of towels, I had 2 big spills on my (happily waterproof) floors in the last couple days and I had to mop them up with towels. So now those are dirty and need washing.  Maybe bleaching I will think about that. 

I plan to take a nap pretty soon.  That's it for now. 

Wow I didn't know it was that bad

 

The bruise, not the muffin top. 😂  I ran into a fixture at work. 

I see just fine but I don't always process what is around me, that's why I don't drive.  I didn't register the fixture until I had run into it.  

I didn't file an accident report it will heal fine on it's own.  

Very early Saturday

 I slept pretty well for a change and woke up oddly hopeful about Beau.  I don't know what is going to happen, and, as I've said, the odds are really bad, but I just enjoy having him around, to walk into a room and see he was watching for me, to see him smile as our eyes meet. Unlike Ron in early days he has been nothing but 100% proper as well. It is nice. 

My friend brings in kolaches and donuts when she covers for me on the weekend so I know he won't starve.  😂  She knows I am "looking" but doesn't know about him specifically. And I am not in a hurry.  

It is nice to take things slow for a change. Ron and I were like Mach 5 the whole time. I did find Beau's last name, he showed me something he got from corporate (a new work phone) with his full name on it. I looked him up but he is not on Facebook which I actually see as a good thing.  He prefers to talk. 

I would say language is the biggest obstacle to a relationship. Many times I see him searching for a word. But that isn't a coffin nail. 

I had a nice sleep with the cats. Cleo sent me off to sleep, she got on me, walked around purring. I woke up to Biscuit and Spotty. Biscuit really loves the back of the couch now, I don't know if I put up a photo. 

My whole house used to match that table, now it is the exception. But he is so happy I took off the afghan. So I will leave it off. 

I boiled my cup (no period since January and only a tiny bit of spotting in February, but I have heard too many stories of surprise periods to give up the cup yet. I figure wear it every day (wash every night, boil once a week, rotate 2 different cups one a week) for a couple of years (I hear it is not uncommon to get a period after over a year, if you are under 50 which I am).  If I don't get any more cycles I will retire them in 2025. And it seems to work fine I wash it out with plain soap every day when I get home from work, boil it on my day off. I keep it in it's little bag once it dries off.  

That would be really great for me if I remarry (anyone) if I was already in full blown menopause so I wouldn't have to worry about birth control. That has been a concern for me. If I got pregnant I would have to go off my meds and have it (hope I'd still be married at the end of that!), then go back on my meds. But at my age it is very unlikely I would have the baby, I would likely miscarry. And that would be awful so I'd rather not get pregnant to begin with.

I took my before pictures to work and showed them to a few people who were utterly shocked.  That was fun. I don't care if that gets back to Beau. I didn't have the nerve to show him. At least right now I don't want that image in his head. 

This is the photo that gets all the gaping and remarks. When I look at it I am really pleased with how far I have come. No, I'm not a model. I have stretch marks. But my thighs are a lot thinner, I lost a lot of the bread dough. My face is different,my arms and hands.  Most importantly I am healthier. 

Walmart provides associates with gloves while they are working. It's good for the customer and the associate.  When I started my glove size was an XL. Now it is a Large. 

I just want to be healthy.  I am creaky enough as it is. My store didn't have any V8 in the 12 ounce cans so I will just drink carrot juice on my break next week. I am curious to see if that helps.  I hear a lot of things about nightshades (tomato family also includes potatoes and peppers) causing inflammation. I also got some nice decaf teas I can drink,too. 

Doing laundry since I did a load earlier this week I don't have a whole lot even considering I bought the 7 t shirts for $1 each. 

That's it for now! 

Friday

 Today was just a hard starter, poor sleep, woke up early and massively depressed.  

I should add I am VERY good at fronting a happy face when depressed.  Like the old song "put on a happy face". Doesn't mean I am feeling it. 

I got my shower, got dressed in clean clothes, did my Bible study, packed my lunch, off to work.  And the shoulder strap broke on my bag.  I had only had the bag a few weeks, a $2 reusable one because I don't want to carry anything nice around the places I go. It had cats on it. I was disappointed but I did have a lot of stuff in it. 

So I moped at a table for a few minutes. Someone came up behind me, and touched my shoulder, a very nice lady I just love to bits. So happy to be working with her today. 

But it got better.  I had no sooner gotten to my work location when Beau came up to me grinning,wanted to chat. That definitely made for a better day. I saw him a couple times, he sought me out a few times and we "coincidentally" took lunch together he was at his table I was at mine. When I looked up a few times he was watching me. 

If there is anything between us, and that is debatable, he is taking his time and I appreciate it. He was eating a piece of spicy candy before I left, said something, saliva went down the wrong pipe. He started choking because he was eating a very spicy piece of candy. I helpfully thumped him on his back a few times and he said "Thank you" when he got his breath back. 

This is a nice change from early days with Ron both of us rushing headlong into the highway to hell. I told Beau "Hasta Lunes" which means see you Monday. 

Some associates have figured out my interest, some have not.  I'm not talking about it other than to say my husband's dead, but I'm not. I am in a relationship with my cat. But nothing confirming. 

I plan to break my Diet Dew addiction this weekend. We will see how that goes. I did buy myself some decaf tea so that will help. 

That's it for now. 

Friday before work

 Well I got my Bible study and shower done. I need to figure out what I'm wearing today, pack my lunch, eat my breakfast (I did have some nuts). 

Biscuit laid next to the shower enclosure as I took my shower, he is adorable.  That's in addition to sleeping with me last night. And pretty much every night. The rain has passed and should be done for a while.  

I'm pretty depressed but clean and presentable, brought some candy for work.  I need to do up my lunch after I get dressed.  

That's it for now.  

Now I'm ready to go. I don't know if I mentioned it but I plan to make sausage for breakfasts next week and tuna salad for my lunches. I brought a little lunch bag if they have the peeled hard boiled eggs for sale. I like a hard boiled egg with my tuna that is about the only time though.  

Depression is pretty ghastly but I'm getting hot flashes from the antidepressant so it's kicking in. 

I can do all things in Christ who gives me strength.  

Very early Friday

 I didn't sleep well last night.  We also had 2 lines of thunderstorms come through.  The second line is going right now.  It should be dry later this evening, though, I read. That's good as Jack will be out of town later.  

I forgot to mention something that happened yesterday.  With very few exceptions, if I see a customer as I'm passing through the store I will go over to them and offer assistance.  That happened yesterday as I was cutting through the Men's department.  There was a man over by the socks looking confused.  

He said he liked the diabetic socks even though he isn't diabetic, they aren't tight on his leg, but he needed a dress sock that would help with his vein issue (he proceeded to take off his shoe and show me the veins 😂) so I helped him.  In the course of the conversation he mentioned he had "CTE" from playing a lot of football. 

Head injured!  Oh any interest I might have had dried up pretty quick. And that is sad, but my experience with the head injury it made Ron meaner and shorter tempered.  More abusive, a heavier drinker. All the things I was so happy to have end. So I'm being a shallow bitch I guess and saying No to all head injuries. 

I did encourage him to try the compression sock and he asked a lot of questions why I like them myself.  So I told him. I hope they work for him. 

We both agreed there is nothing worse in Houston than older people walking around in shorts showing off their veins. He was about my age or a little younger. I hope the socks work out for him. 

I had a dream my cycle started and would not stop.  I had a very funny encounter with one of my very outspoken co workers the other day.  She came and got a lot of my clearance chocolate and was eating it.  I was laughing.  She told me not to laugh (laughing herself) she was on her period, but I was so old that was something I had probably forgotten. And when, she asked, was my last period anyway?  So I told her the last real one was January so I will have to figure out birth control if I remarry. She gaped at me.  "Really?  You still?"  I nodded.  "Damn, Heather"  

I didn't tell her my birth mother went well into her mid 50's. My department is not for the sensitive or easily offended. I thought it was funny. 

What is sad is how many women we have walking around in jackets all year because they are anemic from iron loss due to fibroids.  We have several of them. One or two have told me they have fibroids. But in Houston (don't know about other cities) we have a lot of doctors who do outpatient things for fibroids.  Back in the day all you could do was a hysterectomy and these women at work are young and obviously want kids one day.  

My headache went away now that the rain's here. That's it for now, probably another post before work. 

Thursday

 I didn't feel very pretty today; my hair was a frizzy mess. But Beau made a point of noticing me several times over and came by when I was doing something somewhere else.  My coworkers gave me a hard time about the latter. I told them Biscuit was the #1 man in my life right now.  

Work was pretty quiet.  It makes me nervous they will cut my hours. It's supposed to rain, hard, anytime now so I had Jack give me a ride home.  We went through the Burger King drive through and boy they have gotten dumb..I asked for a bacon double cheeseburger.  They gave me double bacon on it, not that I object of course.  And it was with only barbeque sauce, meat, cheese, bacon which is what I wanted.  

When I got home I checked the mail and saw Biscuit.  As far as I can tell the cats did not bring me any gifts today, praise God. Biscuit got in my lap for a minute.  

And my jeans are getting loose. They were falling off my butt when I came home, I think without the vest to hold them in place. They were OK for working but once I took the vest off they started falling off. So I will put them with my other flare leg "to be altered"jeans once I wash them. It is nice to feel like I am losing a little bulk.  

I am thinking of making my new goal weight 158 so it will be an even 100 pounds lost for sure.  I think that would be fun and it is possible.  

Next week I figure I will do the sure fire weight loss fix: sausage and cheese for breakfast and tuna with mayo for lunch.  I have seen big weight losses on that.  I will have a salad of course with the lunch. 

That's it for now.  

So I can talk now

 I had an uneventful rest of my day.  I did find my relief crying with two team leads patting her back, her husband has likely cancer and she will need a lot of time off.  I have covered for her before, will again, can use the money - and after all I do get paid for time worked.  

BUT I will see less of Beau most likely.  So I figure that will do either 2 things; push him to ask for my phone number/ask me on a date, or move on to someone else.  But at least I will know.  

I got home and then I had to deal with this: 

As you can see it's a pretty serious problem.  So I did dishes until he got bored and left.  My parents are busy/distracted today.  

My aunt met the officiant who did my wedding and said he is doing well.  I wish him well he was a nice guy and very good, a nice little sermon only a few minutes long, because Ron couldn't stand for long.  It was a nice sermon on finishing the race.  He has gone on to do many other weddings, and my nephew got a great photo of Ron, me, and the officiant so he keeps that.  

It will be interesting to see when the schedule changes hit. They will.  I really, really, hope they give me 2 days together off every week until the other girl is back (if she does come back).  I HATE it when they split the days off.  

So do I ask for that?  Or do I not because they may split them out of spite?  I don't know. We will see.  

I will keep handing out the candy because 99% of the people  react with delight and it warms me to see that.  

Lunch break

 Thinking about how Ron abused me in every way possible.  Spiritual.  Verbal.  Physical.  Financial.  It is a lot.  Not really anyone to talk to in person.

So a little depressed today but still doing my job.  

That's it for now.

I lost my temper at Biscuit

 I am ashamed to admit I lost my temper lost night.  Biscuit got on my computer table stomping on "function" keys opening windows and I had code running across the screen. And he wouldn't move!  Then he knocked over my quart of iced tea it was all over my nice clean floor.  It took me a while to fix my computer.  😂

Then I lost it, shouted at him, put him on the floor. He didn't look at all sorry but he did sleep with me last night. Maybe I need to get a Google tablet.  

I slept OK considering, up a couple times. Getting ready for work. 

Time to go.  

More thoughts

 I was just thinking about my last post. The more I write the more horrible things come out. 

My parents won't hear a word against Ron. The most they allow tonight I said I smelled #2 smoking pot and I didn't care because pot doesn't make people mean like alcohol.  

What do you mean, Heather?  

Well Ron got mean and abusive when he drank, but never when he smoked pot.  

They gasped at that but I moved on to something else. One day God will show them I stayed 30 years with an abusive drunk because I didn't feel they had my back.  But that's between us and God.  

My job now is to guard my heart so I don't fall for another user.  

Biscuit got up on my keyboard and opened a window that showed code running?  Don't know what the hell that was.  

I got something on my vest at work and I'm anal about keeping it clean so it's in the wash. After it's done I'm going to bed. 

Correction: an abusive, cheating, drunk.  

As promised; about Amy

 Ok let me first tell you about "Rita" older lady.  Very poor sense of boundaries if I am eating she will offer me food and won't hear a no.  She swore she would give me a ride home one day, bailed on me, I had to call a cab.  Then got an attitude with me for "leaving" because she was "only" 45 minutes late and I "had to understand". Red flags, much?  

I mean, yike.  So I avoid her if I can, nicely, but I can't control who sits next to me at lunch.  She said today she had a "great money making opportunity" for me which of course sent my mind screaming NO.  Then at lunch (she didn't see me) she was telling someone else she lives with her sister in law who is throwing her out. She knows I have an extra bedroom.  

NO NO NO. I will make that VERY clear. I believe I will state the truth, and people can tell when I'm doing that, I like to walk around naked, for instance.  I value my privacy more than a couple hundred bucks. 

So Amy.  Many years ago I worked at Target. I had a lot of issues.  Living with Ron firmly under his thumb.  He used to say things like "Don't make a female friend I will have sex with her" etc. Anyway Amy kind of latched on to me at work I suppose because I was (at the start) kind to her. She came over once or twice and Ron gave me "permission" to have her as a friend and swore he wouldn't do anything.  

Until the night he got her very drunk and she was crying about her ex boyfriend.  She called her current man and told him (with my permission) she was going to sleep on my couch as she was no good to drive. Ron said he would talk to her.  We all know how that ended.  She told her boyfriend, he threw her out.  Ron "felt responsible" but he really just wanted a harem so he moved her in.  His exact words were "I'm moving her in if you don't like it you can move out". We had been together barely 2 years.  They would get drunk every night and have sex as I fumed/cried in the bedroom. 

She told everyone at work about this arrangement, fueling my humiliation.  Ron finally got tired of her and threw her out. I wasn't very nice to her either. 

So I am VERY, VERY, leery of women I barely know at work wanting to move in. Rita works full time, she can afford to rent a room or a studio apartment. All the other employees at work live on their own.  Some even own houses. I don't owe her anything. 

I am glad she has never given me a ride home. She'd really want to move in if she saw the neighborhood. 

And my guy came and has everything looking tip top so even my house looks nice. 

Have a feeling

 A female co worker is going to make a push to move in.  NOT HAPPENING.

When I get home I will tell you about Amy.

Tuesday morning

I hand out lots of candy; I do have personal favorites.  Spearmints are always a good one, and lemon drops.  The two of them together mixed up in a bag so I could choose?  Perfection.  I would rather have that than a box of truffles which would give me a migraine anyway.

So while I had forgotten my large black and white tote bag full of "driver" candy I did have my "personal" lemon drops.  So I handed those out yesterday in handfuls to drivers, to a surprisingly good reception  One guy said I couldn't ride his bus anymore?  It was not a bus I EVER take?  I am not sure what that is about.  I was at a shared bus stop and stood there, when they stopped and opened the door I popped in and gave them candy, popped out.  Did that several times. 

Today I have "proper" candy with a couple handfuls of different types of candy (mainly pinata mix and some caramels) in a baggie with a Scripture booklet.  

I also have some "sanitized" candy (no booklet) for work.  I have to go to customer service, my new jeans were showing my butt every time I bent over.  Medium rise does not seem to work for me.  And my first cat tank top had a snag in it.  

I did get another cat tank top, it has little cat faces all over it.  I am wearing it over a black t shirt.  I think it's cute.  I will try to get a photo.  

I also have candy for my team, I know who likes what candy now so I bring it.  A surprising amount of non-latinos, Blacks and Hindus, like the Pulparindo hot salted fruit candy. So I make sure to have that.  I may see if I can score some more 75% off chocolate, that is always a crowd pleaser.  I can't eat it due to migraines but that doesn't mean others can't enjoy.  

I have my lunch packed by the door along with my vest.  I have my phone, keys, wallet, and a jacket as it is forecast to be very (20 mph) windy this afternoon when I get off work. 

That's it for now!  

Monday

I took a shower last night before I went to bed. 

I did something different with my work bag which resulted in my leaving the driver candy at HOME. I was able to pay my gas bill before work but did not have time to do my clothing return as well. So I still have that; a No Boundaries tank top with cat faces on it. It's very cute but the one I bought had a snag in it. I got another one today as these things go quickly. 

Also right before I went home I passed the lingerie department and saw some bras on the floor under the clearance rack.  I picked them up and realized a bra I had admired was on clearance for $4. In my size.  I set it aside and bought it after I clocked out. 

Work was pretty uneventful except for logging back in from my lunch; the app decided to log me out of the system and I had to log back in, in a public setting (had customers talking to me), under a time crunch so I wouldn't be "late". I managed to do it you can bet I asked God for help. 

So I'm down one day. I saw Beau we chatted a little. I had bought some Marias cookies at another store last week, my friend and I share a locker and I told her to help herself but to please reseal the ziplock when she ate cookies.  She has. She has eaten some but no more than I have.  They are good cookies and only 5 carbs each. I need to get more, soon, and my aunt says the green package Marias are very good. So I'll get those tomorrow.  It is a nice treat after my lunch. 

I stayed on plan eating today, in part because I got down to 184.  When I got home my yard had been mowed and looks fantastic.  

Biscuit got in my lap/on my chest as I talked to my Dad. That was pretty much my day. 

That's it for now.  

Some info on Fetal Alcohol

 Here is the main website: http://come-over.to/FASCRC/

Yes, I am the "Heather" in the links and that blog link takes you here. 

Please read this

Another thing I have attachment issues, you are either "on" or "off" to me.  Most people are "On". which is a good/bad thing in that I trust them. And that can backfire as we may see with Beau. 

Sexual behaviors link is hard reading for me especially the part about my problems making me at higher risk of sexual assault. 

That's it for now. 

Sunday afternoon

 One thing the early days with Beau highlighted was the extreme lack of physical touch in my life.  Not that he touched me a lot, but he would touch me on the shoulder as he passed by in the breakroom, etc.  I noticed, in a good way. 

I gave it some thought and decided to ask God for more, innocent, physical touch in my life. My Dad's love language, for instance, is physical touch.  Knowing that when I saw him I would go over and hug him every time I got up for a drink of water or whatever. At home it is more tricky.  

My aunt was good for hugs when she would pick me up for errands every week but she's got superseding obligations in her new town hundreds of miles away. My other co workers are not big huggers, touchers.  And it would be weird asking.  

Some of the people on the bus might give me a hug and some people look like they'd LIKE to when I give them the candy, but again I am keeping it clean. 

So what to do?  Things like this it would be great to have some kids around.  Anyway, I do have cats. 

So I sat down and specifically asked God for more physical attention from the cats. 

Spotty, for instance, has been great today. He slept in my underwear drawer about half the day and then took a nap with me curled up in bed together. THAT's what I need.  The cats seem responsive to increased demand.  

Although I know it is not entirely healthy to get so much of my emotional feeding from the cats.  It is working for now, and happily all 3 cats are providing so I won't be stricken when one dies. 

I woke up with a headache when I did get up. I am waiting for the Excedrin to beat it back before I do my cooking for the week. I am planning one meal for me tonight and then 5 for the week. The Taco Casserole I don't need to do any cooking just basic assembly of the ingredients. 

I also plan to go through my vest pockets and pare down the contents because all that junk in my hip pockets makes me look fatter. 

Vain?  Yes. If I remarry my husband is out there somewhere and he will likely meet me at work. I want to look good when he sees me. 

Simple fruit

 I can't reveal a lot and I am sorry for that, but after an innocent Youtube video link led to an investigation from Adult Protective services I am a lot more careful now. 

So I do a job.  There are other women doing the job as well. Some work with me, some before or after me, but we all do the same job.  For some reason it's all women on this job. 

When I got hired "Jane" did some of my training.  Part of that she asked me a million questions about my personal life which I have to assume got broadcast.  But I was/am OK with that as I don't share anything I don't want the whole store to hear.  

Things I have shared: I am a widow.  I was married 30 years. Lately I have let it "slip" he had a serious drinking problem. That is one reason I think Beau keeps assuring me he is the next thing to a non drinker.  They all know I have 3 cats I adore.  That, when I started there, I was not looking for a relationship but I told a good friend at work "I am starting to notice men again" so that's probably out there too. I have problems with depression.  I have not disclosed the unnamed mood disorder or the fact I have had the "depression" my whole life even before I met Ron. 

I have not shared I have a blog although it wouldn't be hard to find if you google "Heather (last name)" let me see I think it pops right up. No it does not, at least not on the first page.  The imposter 😂, the other woman with my name (only 2 of us in US), does pop up.  The video of Ron mowing the yard with his shirt off comes up a couple times. Blind men mowing yards are actually popular on You Tube. Links you can pay to get information about "me" don't advise those. But no blog,it's our secret.  

My Facebook comes up but I cleaned that up after Ron died when I was looking for work, a lot of faith, not much else. 

So I am careful what I let out at work.  I consider every word.  That's why it was so out of character for me to tell Beau Ron was a barracho. "And a bad one" I continued in English, he can put what interpretation on that.  That he was a heavy drinker, or a mean one, or both.   All true. 

So I told "Jane" I was 17 and Ron was 37 when we first met.  I didn't say that to Jane for a while but she kept asking; when she heard that she called him "A child molester" and got very tight lipped if I mentioned Ron in passing.  True, dat. But a little harsh.  

So she (Jane) went out on leave back in November.  Something about her knee.  From my understanding she wants to come back but the store can't work with her restrictions.  It seems like everyone else wants her to come back even though in my view she didn't do much.  I can't say what it is we do but the bosses have me doing a lot more of it than she did. 

I understand she is popular. I understand she is well liked.   I understand she is a good listener so everyone wants to talk to her, but we are here to WORK.  Not chat all day like she did even before her injury.  The bosses knew this and this is why I think they don't want her back.  

They gave me her hours which has been a big boost to the bottom line and some people are saying she will "get them back when she returns" which would hurt me economically.  She is married, owns two houses, has social security and adult sons to take care of her if the rest wasn't enough.  She probably feels she "needs" the money but she won't be out in the street without her paycheck like I'd be.  So I am understandably concerned. 

She came to the store one day, talked to me and said she was trying to get ahold of the store manager because "The Home Office" told her only he can fix her problem. I don't know if she saw him but she did talk to the "coach" (higher up manager, right above us is Team Lead then Coach above them). I got my schedule and it is the same thing for the next couple weeks.  They like to have me leave at different times Thursday and Friday which is fine.  

So I feel like everyone is rooting for her and not for me.  I have been here for 2 years working my ass off.  More and more as I recover from Ron's death and I get out from under my crippling depression.   I think I am easy to work with, I am kind, I bring candy...

Kind of hard to feel like chopped liver. I will be glad when this issue gets resolved.  As an employer I wouldn't want Jane back, she doesn't do much work, sets a bad example, and harms productivity. Her weight is causing her health problems.  

I once saw her in the breakroom eating two TV dinners one after another.  I am sure she is insulin resistant like I am and hungry all the time like I was.  Keto would be really beneficial but she's one of those I can't tell her anything because she has already judged me. I've lost 60 pounds since I started working there, that's a pretty big deal...

Oh that reminds me I want to bring my before photo.  

As for me I have enough aches and pains, popping joints, etc. in my 180's I can't imagine working at 280 or even 380 pounds.  It's only going to get worse as I age, I have a pretty intense urgency to get my weight down to a healthier level.  I can't end up like Ron before my time.  It's a hellish life I won't.  

Oh, speaking of food I had a mango for breakfast. Boy, those things are a lot of work. I won't be eating another one. Not another whole one. If someone else fixes it for me yeah but I'm not doing it myself.  For ease I prefer an apple, banana, guava.   Those are easy to eat although I do like to cut up the apple so I'd put it at "mango level" difficulty.  Bananas and guavas are easy to eat. I like a simple fruit. 

Later on I had a little cheese and some walnuts, I also went in my app and created  recipes for the food I am making later.  That way I know exact carb, calorie counts on the things I am taking for lunch.  

I am making two big meals I will portion out for the week.  First, for breakfast, is Taco casserole.  I will do refried beans, taco seasoned ground beef, shredded cheese, a little salsa. That's breakfast for the week. Lunch will be 3 meat "Spaghetti?" which is actually a little bit (1/3 cup per serving) rotini pasta, organic tomato sauce, Italian seasoned ground beef, Kielbasa (as a child all my spaghetti dinners had Kielbasa for some reason, I like it and expect it in my spaghetti), and ground italian sausage.  I have been wanting that for a while.  

The 100% whole wheat pasta has a good amount of fiber and a reasonable carb count I can live with. I don't need a massive amount as I plan to be carb aware even after I'm at goal. But if I'm going to eat pasta whole wheat (which I like) is a good bet. I will see if it impacts my weight. I doubt it, not at 1/3 cup cooked a day. 

I am washing my bedding. I lured Biscuit out of the bed with a can of food, stripped it while he was eating. I did the sheets and now doing the fleece blanket. It's a little rough, seen a lot of use but very rugged and keeps me warm at night. I got a sample of fabric softener from the sample guy at work Friday so I put that in there. 

I worry more about odors in my bedding than I do in my clothes so I put some baking soda in there too. 

That's it for now. 

Sunday morning thoughts

 I have been sleeping badly for about a month and I thought it was due to caffeine use; so I cut it back drastically yesterday and still slept poorly. I think it is psychological due to The Bad Thing that happened a month ago.  I was not directly affected but someone died, and shortly after that an employee I know lost her niece to a domestic violence murder/suicide (she was killed). So it has me shaken up thinking about love, how I want to live my life,etc. 

I did not expect that and was in denial for weeks as I focused on Beau.  But sleep doesn't lie and I am hoping I will get through this pretty quick. In the meantime I am up several times a night, headaches, etc. 

I very seldom take the Name in vain - I won't now, but YES I need counseling. I don't have anyone to talk to about this, really. Not if I put Beau in it I made a passing reference to him talking to my parents and Dad didn't take it well. I think Dad wants more for me than a Walmart Associate; he wants an engineer, someone making serious bank, an educated and informed man with solid theology.  Someone handy who can fix my house.  Nothing wrong with that but I have my little mental health issue, brain damage, ride the bus, other secrets that will put a man off.  

On the plus side I have only been with one man and I am losing weight. 

Anyway parents are out if I bring up Beau which I think I would have to; he's a part of this. My reaction if you will. My aunt is very busy, out of town, focus on her kids and grand kids.  She has 9 grandkids one a newborn. You can bet she is busy. She actually knows Beau's real name.  

Friday at work he kept coming over and talking and at one point I went over to him, looked up at him (so nice to do!) and smiled at him as I put my hand on his shoulder which I thought was a pretty clear sign his attention is welcome.  So my associates know I am interested.  

Is it going anywhere?  No.  Why is he living with his sister?  Are apartment prices that high he can't get a place and own his (very modest) truck?  I wouldn't be surprised.  I hear a lot of associates complaining apartments are high. 

But the last month has taught me that yes I WOULD like a man in my life.  I thought I was done with all that. I really did. This is a shock to me. It is just Beau swept me away?  No, there are some real obstacles there.   But he has shown me I like having a man walk up to me, smile, admire me, etc. 

He has also shown me I like a sighted man who is taller than my 5 foot 7.  Beau also has the problem he mainly speaks to Spanish speakers so his English isn't fluent.  It's good but not fluent and that would be "his" issue as opposed to "my" issue.  Possible to work past if we were both determined but are we?  I don't get that vibe. 

So that's my daily Beau for the day.  It will be nice to see him tomorrow. 

I had a bathroom emergency and realized something: when I was 13 there was an active shooter at my Dad's work.  It was the 80's, they had no idea how to respond to these things.  Dad wasn't calling, they were bringing out bodies in bags and I sat there wondering if Dad was one of them and what would happen to me if he was....as it turns out Dad was meeting with my doctor about my (very severe) depression, it was the worst I have ever had in my life.  Then this.  Anyway I was in counseling but they had no idea how to do trauma counseling and after all my Dad didn't die so what's the big deal?  But I think a part of me is still sitting in front of the TV wondering if my Dad died.  

I've talked about this, the shooting sent me off the cliff with my depression and I had to be hospitalized. But again no kind of trauma counseling at the hospital.  They had a group for survivors of sexual abuse and a "chemical dependency" group neither of which applied, thank God.  But nothing for my particular situation.  

Then I keep falling over these horrible domestic violence deaths this year..it makes me wish I had a warm body to hold me tight (not sex per se), someone to light up when he sees me, a bright smile in my day.  

I asked God to "take it" (drive to be with someone both emotionally and sexually) some time back when it became apparent Ron - well I think for Ron he would say he didn't WANT but maybe he couldn't for longer than I guessed?  I don't know... but I haven't gotten anything since 2012 and that was the one time...so I asked God to take it.  As he deteriorated Ron couldn't be anything to me he was just too sick, too much pain, his mind was circling the drain.  He was very sweet at the very end and loved a little peck or holding hands.  I asked God to make that "enough" and He did.  

SO WHY IS IT ALL BACK?  I don't know.  I asked God to TAKE IT UNLESS HE WANTED ME TO REMARRY and there are a thousand reasons marriage would not work with Beau.  Now, the fact that he is a Walmart employee I know he doesn't have any felonies and is in the country legally.  So OK to hang out with but the language issue, mental health issue for me, I get a headache just thinking about it.  

And I don't want some guy with his own mental health issues I want a rock, a stable man who is consistent in his day to day.  No addictions,solid theology, I'm asking a lot.  As far as I know for this Beau would qualify.  

I want a man who ALSO sees this as a great date: come to my house, pick up Bibles and sign.  Go do a Bible handout in a terrible neighborhood.  Put the leftovers (crate, hand cart, sign, empty boxes) in the trunk and go get pupusas or Mexican food, pray for recipients, go home. 

That's asking A LOT.  Especially asking him to sign up for the illness I don't mention anymore. 

Right now I am angry with God that He brought it all back.  I don't want this (love) I don't want it. I want to be happy and single with the cats.  

Speaking of cats Spotty got into my underwear drawer last night. He was adorable. I got a couple of photos but you can clearly see the underwear and I'm not putting that up.  Even if I did I am pretty sure this would violate my TOS on the blog and they might make it "adults only" which would freak out the Good Christian Ladies I have known for 20 some years.  

So for now Spotty is the only one getting in my underwear.  I don't mind a little pelo de gato (cat hair).

That's it for now. I need to wash my sheets.