Sunday morning thoughts

 I have been sleeping badly for about a month and I thought it was due to caffeine use; so I cut it back drastically yesterday and still slept poorly. I think it is psychological due to The Bad Thing that happened a month ago.  I was not directly affected but someone died, and shortly after that an employee I know lost her niece to a domestic violence murder/suicide (she was killed). So it has me shaken up thinking about love, how I want to live my life,etc. 

I did not expect that and was in denial for weeks as I focused on Beau.  But sleep doesn't lie and I am hoping I will get through this pretty quick. In the meantime I am up several times a night, headaches, etc. 

I very seldom take the Name in vain - I won't now, but YES I need counseling. I don't have anyone to talk to about this, really. Not if I put Beau in it I made a passing reference to him talking to my parents and Dad didn't take it well. I think Dad wants more for me than a Walmart Associate; he wants an engineer, someone making serious bank, an educated and informed man with solid theology.  Someone handy who can fix my house.  Nothing wrong with that but I have my little mental health issue, brain damage, ride the bus, other secrets that will put a man off.  

On the plus side I have only been with one man and I am losing weight. 

Anyway parents are out if I bring up Beau which I think I would have to; he's a part of this. My reaction if you will. My aunt is very busy, out of town, focus on her kids and grand kids.  She has 9 grandkids one a newborn. You can bet she is busy. She actually knows Beau's real name.  

Friday at work he kept coming over and talking and at one point I went over to him, looked up at him (so nice to do!) and smiled at him as I put my hand on his shoulder which I thought was a pretty clear sign his attention is welcome.  So my associates know I am interested.  

Is it going anywhere?  No.  Why is he living with his sister?  Are apartment prices that high he can't get a place and own his (very modest) truck?  I wouldn't be surprised.  I hear a lot of associates complaining apartments are high. 

But the last month has taught me that yes I WOULD like a man in my life.  I thought I was done with all that. I really did. This is a shock to me. It is just Beau swept me away?  No, there are some real obstacles there.   But he has shown me I like having a man walk up to me, smile, admire me, etc. 

He has also shown me I like a sighted man who is taller than my 5 foot 7.  Beau also has the problem he mainly speaks to Spanish speakers so his English isn't fluent.  It's good but not fluent and that would be "his" issue as opposed to "my" issue.  Possible to work past if we were both determined but are we?  I don't get that vibe. 

So that's my daily Beau for the day.  It will be nice to see him tomorrow. 

I had a bathroom emergency and realized something: when I was 13 there was an active shooter at my Dad's work.  It was the 80's, they had no idea how to respond to these things.  Dad wasn't calling, they were bringing out bodies in bags and I sat there wondering if Dad was one of them and what would happen to me if he was....as it turns out Dad was meeting with my doctor about my (very severe) depression, it was the worst I have ever had in my life.  Then this.  Anyway I was in counseling but they had no idea how to do trauma counseling and after all my Dad didn't die so what's the big deal?  But I think a part of me is still sitting in front of the TV wondering if my Dad died.  

I've talked about this, the shooting sent me off the cliff with my depression and I had to be hospitalized. But again no kind of trauma counseling at the hospital.  They had a group for survivors of sexual abuse and a "chemical dependency" group neither of which applied, thank God.  But nothing for my particular situation.  

Then I keep falling over these horrible domestic violence deaths this year..it makes me wish I had a warm body to hold me tight (not sex per se), someone to light up when he sees me, a bright smile in my day.  

I asked God to "take it" (drive to be with someone both emotionally and sexually) some time back when it became apparent Ron - well I think for Ron he would say he didn't WANT but maybe he couldn't for longer than I guessed?  I don't know... but I haven't gotten anything since 2012 and that was the one time...so I asked God to take it.  As he deteriorated Ron couldn't be anything to me he was just too sick, too much pain, his mind was circling the drain.  He was very sweet at the very end and loved a little peck or holding hands.  I asked God to make that "enough" and He did.  

SO WHY IS IT ALL BACK?  I don't know.  I asked God to TAKE IT UNLESS HE WANTED ME TO REMARRY and there are a thousand reasons marriage would not work with Beau.  Now, the fact that he is a Walmart employee I know he doesn't have any felonies and is in the country legally.  So OK to hang out with but the language issue, mental health issue for me, I get a headache just thinking about it.  

And I don't want some guy with his own mental health issues I want a rock, a stable man who is consistent in his day to day.  No addictions,solid theology, I'm asking a lot.  As far as I know for this Beau would qualify.  

I want a man who ALSO sees this as a great date: come to my house, pick up Bibles and sign.  Go do a Bible handout in a terrible neighborhood.  Put the leftovers (crate, hand cart, sign, empty boxes) in the trunk and go get pupusas or Mexican food, pray for recipients, go home. 

That's asking A LOT.  Especially asking him to sign up for the illness I don't mention anymore. 

Right now I am angry with God that He brought it all back.  I don't want this (love) I don't want it. I want to be happy and single with the cats.  

Speaking of cats Spotty got into my underwear drawer last night. He was adorable. I got a couple of photos but you can clearly see the underwear and I'm not putting that up.  Even if I did I am pretty sure this would violate my TOS on the blog and they might make it "adults only" which would freak out the Good Christian Ladies I have known for 20 some years.  

So for now Spotty is the only one getting in my underwear.  I don't mind a little pelo de gato (cat hair).

That's it for now. I need to wash my sheets.