A letter to Ron

 Ron,

When I met you I was a dumb, rebellious, kid.  I was naive enough to think "they" wanted to get in the way of "our true love" when all they saw was a predator.  Even now, people are horrified when I tell them the age difference when we met. 

I missed many red flags about your drinking and cheating habits, thinking 'That was all in the past, he is a better man now". I began to realize I was wrong a few weeks after I moved when when you got angry I did not want to spend my savings at the liquor store to buy you alcohol.  

And you were a hypocrite, you wanted to drink until blackouts, vomiting and urinating everywhere (oh how fun) but did not want me to drink much or even at all. You told me all women were whores but got angry I was a "good girl".  You taped our private encounters without my consent and then shared them with your friends. You let an avowed rapist spend the night in our home, knowing his history. No, he didn't hurt me but you should have protected me. 

Speaking of protection you cheated again and again and AGAIN and always said it was "my fault" that I was "boring"and you were "tired".  You didn't bathe properly, giving me endless bladder infections, and got angry when I did ask you to bathe. You would rather not have sex than wash your wiener. I almost died when one bladder infection got up in my kidneys but you still wouldn't take care of me. When I did want to have sex you were "tired" and turned me down every time, then got angry I wasn't ready "on demand" the second you were, then you would compare me to your other women and wonder why I didn't want to be with you anymore. 

Your drinking was so bad the medical examiner quoted my statements on it verbatim in his report and listed it your secondary cause of death.  You always went on how you were not an alcoholic but you're drinking 3 gallons of the hard stuff every month?  What is that?  I tried to sign you up for Intervention, it didn't work but I can say I did try. 

You kept me financially dependent on you the whole time and held that over my head, threatening to throw me out whenever I tried to assert myself.  You were pretty upset to find that wouldn't work out in Texas when we're both on the deed to the house. You didn't want me to work for someone else and become independent, you wanted me under your thumb doing your bidding 24/7.  You said it was because you "needed" me for the business but any minimally trained person could have done what I was doing and some did. You just saw it as a lever to get your hooks further in me. 

And I am very angry at myself that I allowed this.  But I didn't know, I was a kid when we met and I do have legit brain damage. I didn't have much support from others even when you beat the crap out of me in 2007.  Yes, I had a place to stay for a few days but then it was out the door and back to Ron,who, after all, blamed it on drinking straight Everclear and would never, ever,do that again.  

I let people talk me into going back and not filing charges. I knew if I did you would lose your security clearance and the business and we would both be unemployed, likely lose the house and the life I had worked so hard to build, so I went back.  And you hit me again.  You had already choked me on more than one occasion. I learned to stay out of your way when you were having a blackout, didn't I?  Even if I tried to help you up after the floor you would hit me.  So I learned to leave you where you fell.  I would lie in bed sometimes listening to you outside my bedroom door in your wheelchair, cursing, truly worried about my safety. So I made obstacles so you literally could not get in my room.  I hid the knife you liked and boy you had a fit over that until I put it back under the dish drainer. 

After your accident I thought we could start a new life together, I would nurse you back to health and you would appreciate what I'd done for you, but not even a year later you're drinking to blackouts and choking me again.  So much for that but we held it out as the Great Love Story for anyone who would listen. 

I may come back and add more but that's it for now.