It's a very good question. I stayed for 29 years; almost all of them bad. Varying levels of physical and emotional abuse.
I used to think it was only abuse if he put me in the hospital. But what about the time I ended up in the hospital from a kidney infection because he wouldn't clean himself?
Anyway for the first 10 years or so it was money. At one point I made a very concerted effort to get out and the only place I could find was sharing a 1 bedroom apartment with a couple, their toddler, and newborn. I would get a corner of the living room for my stuff (and you know the toddler would have been in it every minute) for $500 a month. Or renting a room in a houseful of pagans (he was very open about it), I forget what they wanted. So I gave up and "made it work" with Ron.
I had actually planned to leave Ron when I moved to Houston. The plan I had (I had a good office job with benefits), I told him "I'll move first make sure it is OK and then you come later". Of course the minute I got to Houston I planned to tell him it was over; but he figured it out somehow and put in his notice at work and with the landlord (both who were thrilled to get rid of him) and I "had" to take him.
Then he started the business and I left the good office job to go work for him, to be completely under his thumb financially. Then I was really stuck. I had thought he would value and appreciate me if he really "needed" me. I was wrong. He would verbally harangue me at work in front of the other employees and customers. Go in the stockroom with the other employees and shut the door. God knows what they were doing.
He was cheating the whole time, verbally abusing me,having blackouts, and physically abusing me during them, listening for porn and forcing me to listen to him doing that while he did. He said the physical abuse wasn't his fault because he was drunk and "he had to drink as the business was very stressful".
So there you have me at the time of the accident, working for menial wage for someone who seems to hate me most of the time. I can't leave him because I'll never get a job reference. I am not making any money just an allowance basically.
So he got run over; I had a chance to leave then but his family hated him and wanted to put him in some hellhole Medicaid facility the minute they could. I felt sorry for him and felt I couldn't leave a dog like that,much less the man I did love in spite of everything.
Again,I thought if I stayed he would see my sacrifice, value, appreciate, and respect me from that point. When he woke up he was great at first but as his brain recovered he went back to old ways and worse.
We worked in a federal building and they had a sign up for years saying if you had a felony conviction of any kind,or a misdemeanor conviction for domestic violence,you would lose your security clearance. So I was really stuck: if I reported him we would lose the business, the house, everything including my cats.
When I got diagnosed I felt like I owed it to him to stay because he had stayed with me for 14 years of me unmedicated, even though,one night I was suicidal he put a knife in my hand and said "Why don't you do it?" I still felt I owed him, his family wasn't any better, and he would have been in some sort of assisted living if I left. And where would I go? What about the cats?
And over all of that the fact that Ron held all the money in his name,he wouldn't even put my name on his checking account until a year before he died and only then because I could not make deposits or do our change transactions unless I was on the account.
My family didn't want to hear any of it; but when she lived in Houston my aunt would pick me up to stay a night at her place now and then when Ron was a clear threat to my safety
So anyway that's why I stayed.
8 comments:
You have had no real support from any of your family members. Ever. Not even your aunt would help you get away from Ron. Very sad.
And you had a choice when you moved away from him. You could have said NO when he came to Houston and left him outside to rot. And no you were not obligated to care about ron when he had his accident. Especially after everything he did to you.
Maybe god was giving you a way out of being with ron but you chose to stay. That is why it is concerning for you to get involved with another man because you have not learned from this.
Your obsession now with not being alone will cause you to latch onto another man and that man may be the wrong man too. Just look at your obsession with Beau who you have only engaged in small talk with.
I put Ron on speaker with my aunt one night when he was being verbally abusive, she did not say anything but the next day said she and her husband would get me out if I wanted.
I said no because Ron needed a lot of help at that point and time and I did not want to be the one who cost him the house and the business. That's how he would have seen it.
HER hands are clean and she was the only one I could call to get a safe place for the night/week.
Yes I could have left him at least at 2 points. But I did not and I have to live with that. One reason I have the blog, I do better writing things out.
I left an abuser who also worked for the government. He, also, would have lost his security clearance (and probably killed me) if I reported him. He was very intimidating and abusive. He harassed me at my job and called the company saying I was not returning his emergency phone calls (he just wanted all of my attention all the time and to have me under his thumb). It got to the point I had to leave, knowing he would threaten and humiliate me (he did, for months) and possibly physically hurt me (he did not).
I don't think most people can understand the level of absolute terror this type of abuser inflicts. He was always trying to wear down my confidence, and he was very successful for a long time. I understand pretty well what happened to you.
Agree with the first comment. Your parents washed their hands of helping you or even acknowledging your needs. They failed you so they could bury their heads in the sand and do whatever they wanted, unburdened by your plight. I am concerned that you will just dive into another relationship and just settle for whoever shows interest.
Well I admit I'm at a vulnerable point right now.
Even as messed up as he was physically there were a couple of points where I was really concerned he'd try to kill me. One time in particular after I had to have his cat shaved due to matting he was very, very, upset even though it was his fault for not brushing her (he kept saying he would). He sat in his wheelchair outside my bedroom muttering "Bitch" again and again all night.
My parents still tell me I had "The Great Love Story" of overcoming the odds and I am working on making sure I am NOT telling that story now. I don't have to tell the full truth but I don't have to tell the lie either.
That's why I was so pleased with myself with Beau for telling him Ron was a "barracho" (drunk). It's a start, a small one, but a start.
Why do you capitalize Beau but not God?
Where did I do that? I always capitalize God and He Him etc. all pronouns relating to Him. It really bothers me to read something where someone did not.
And let's remember Beau is not his real name. For one he is Latino. For two I don't want someone figuring out where we work and calling in some sort of bogus complaint on him. Three unlikely but possible a co worker could find the blog (I took precautions to make sure it would be harder) and I would not want them reading my very personal feelings for (name). One thing to guess another to know.
Not you, Heather
Oh, thanks. If it's who I think (don't know them personally) she (?) never capitalizes His Name because she (?) has a lot of understandable issues relating to a horrific childhood and where was God in that? So the thinking goes.
You and I know when we cry God cries with us...
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