I have decided to turn my love life back over to God. What I mean is when I get intrusive thoughts to turn that over to God.
I mean I give "this" odds of maybe 5% of working out long term. I like him a lot, am very attracted (he takes care of himself but you can tell he doesn't spend an hour looking in the mirror every day). A good example of that is the vest; most employees at the store have a filthy unwashed vest. It looks very bad. I wash my vest every week when I do my laundry and I would say it is 98% clean most of the time, his is as well. I like the little touches like that. He shaves his head very short thinning hair which looks much better than Ron's homeless/terrorist/dandelion puff look.
But the odds are low. I am pretty sure he is younger than me and of course I would think a younger guy would want a younger woman. I assume he wants kids which is not happening with me. Other issues. So I have to be realistic: odds are this is not working out. I do enjoy the attention I would be lying if I didn't say that.
So I need to give it to God and not think about him all the time. Because God is coming first in my life no matter what from here on out. I put Ron first for a very long time and I suffered for that. And at times Ron put me over God which he should not have done. Because I'm a flawed human (oh, so, flawed...) and I could never measure up. He would idolize me but not respect me.
So, like the pastor said, I can turn my mind and my heart back over to God. God has had my soul since 1982 I think. I didn't write the date down. But I do take my heart back now and then (as in, lately) and my mind has not been focused on God and what I can do for Him. And I have no idea, this guy could be a major player and that is why my friends seem to be working "defense" for me. Falling for him could be a very bad idea; I could end up singing "Bad Blood"in a couple of months.
I was needless to say distracted and my eating has been HORRIFIC this weekend. I had some digestive upset as a result that had me up at 2. I figured, while I'm up I'll do laundry.
Now I had 2 issues with this load. One was my clearance markdown clothes friend told me about underwear in "the bin" that was 25 cents a pair. Now everyone paws though the bin and a lot of times people throw underwear on the floor, perverted guys play with it, etc. I pass the bin on the way to the breakroom and I have seen dogs with their head in it sniffing, etc. So I want that extra clean.
Then I had to ride the bus the other day. A homeless man got up out of a seat, it was my long day at work and I was exhausted. He got off as I boarded but he was very icky and his clothes had feces stains on them (old). But my feet were killing me and I was exhausted, the seat LOOKED clean enough so I sat, but no way...the minute I got home the jeans came off and went in the laundry room. There were no other seats...so I want to wash THAT with the sanitizer also so the whole load is in there with a couple of capfuls. When it drains off I will do a regular wash with the Tide.
Today I need to do the laundry, sweep and mop the house (I need to sweep every couple of days it seems and I can get away with mopping every week or so), figure out meals for the week and prep them, do dishes. I also want to make a veggie soup.
Just as a side note I am a little annoyed with God. The last time I was truly sexually active was over 10 years ago. When Ron declined I asked God to "take it"(sexual desire) unless and until,blah blah. He did. After Ron died I didn't want to do anything stupid. Still don't. God took it. SO WHY IS IT BACK? AGH!
That's it for now.
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