I went back to bed for a few hours and got a nap which was nice.
I forgot to mention when I call my parents I put them on speaker because otherwise my phone does very strange things, puts them on mute, etc. So it's always on speaker at my house.
Last night I was talking to them as friends and complaining about the people living at the bus stop I take to go home. Dad was quite upset and asked me when I was going to get a new stun gun. I felt bad for scaring him so I came over to the computer, put the phone down,and bought one while we talked. It is coming today.
I do need it. I plan to take the "better to apologize than get permission" approach to taking it to work and not show anyone.
When I was napping I had a dream Ron was still alive, found out about Beau, attempted an overdose suicide but I caught him and Ron was saying he didn't want to "be in the way". But Ron has been dead for 2 years. Legally and spiritually our marriage ended 2 years ago, I'm not cheating. I don't feel guilty at all and I think Ron at his best would have liked Beau a lot.
Now sex outside of the marriage bed is a sin and I will keep that in mind as that could apparently be an ongoing issue for me. Things waking up I would rather stay asleep. I thought only as a teen with Ron but no.
And that is a big difference early days with Beau and Ron; Beau has been nothing but respectful. He has stood a little close now and then but I don't mind, and has touched me on the shoulder several times. Ron tried a lot more than that early days. And I let him. But I don't think Beau is a sex addict the way Ron was. Ron was addicted to everything.
I will have healthy boundaries. If this goes anywhere I will have to sit down and think what touching is OK and what is not.I should probably do that anyway.
That's it for now.
9 comments:
It was easier for you to not have sexual feelings towards Ron because he was 1. a drunk 2. verbally abusive daily and 3. his hygiene was less than stellar. So of course you weren't going to be all into wanting to have sex with him.
And if god can take away your sexual desire for Beau like you claim he did for Ron then why the hell doesn't he intervene in homes where a parent is raping their own child? Just wondering why god would be more concerned over a grown woman's sexual desire then helping a child getting raped in their home or the children that are sex trafficked all over the world.
Well we have gone around a few times about the why does God allow...issue a few times.
Here is my take; that,if we let it, God can use those horrible things to give us empathy for the suffering and the heart for those who are hurting. I have a very different attitude for instance toward women in abusive relationships and have a much better understanding why some of them may not leave.
Man said "I can do it on my own, I don't need You" to God. To quote a song "This is what it looks like when we tell you we can do it on our own" (As the world bleeds by Theocracy, a good song). For now God is hands off in somethings.
Why did God allow alcohol to damage my brain? Why wasn't Ron caught and sent to prison before we moved in together? We don't know. He will show us one day I believe that.
I do wish God would take the sexual desire. I don't need that at all and feel I was much happier a few months ago before all this (waves hand). Focused on God and what I needed to do for Him. The Bible says a relationship takes your focus off God and it's right.
We will see what happens.
I think your hormones are up and down because of menopause, I experienced something similar - I felt as emotional as when I was a teenager. Frankly I think its good your starting to see you can have a better life post-Ron but don't expect Beau to be your prince charming. He sounds like a player.
He's a little nervous which I wouldn't expect in a player.
Ron was never nervous he was very confident. Which looking back should have been a red flag.
Don't get me wrong, Beau could be a player... we will see. I'm not hopping into the sack with him at any rate.
I can't read posts about God where there is no respect to capitalize his name. We get it.
I think he is a player too. Is it possible that he appears nervous because he is simply mirroring your behavior? That's my guess. I've seen plenty of workplace players make the rounds.
I just don't know enough about him. As it is I only see him a few minutes 3 days a week. I do know he goes out of his way to see me. Seems nervous. Smiles a lot. If I'm in the breakroom and he comes in he sits with me. Comes over on his break to talk.
One or two of these I wouldn't think anything of it but all of it added up makes me wonder.
About the person angry at God at least they are reading... God has a way of reaching out to everyone. Ron used to call God "Torture man" and worse. On one occasion (I find this deeply horrifying and embarrassing) he prayed to Satan aloud to end his pain (it did not stop) since God "wouldn't". But he always came back to God. But at times he would erupt with horrible blasphemy at Him. And God let me know He could fight His own battles my job was just to pray for Ron and try to be a light.
It's just a little crush. Nothing wrong with that. And like you said you really don't know anything about him. Right now it is just a physical attraction. If you got to know him you may find that his values and lifestyle don't jive with your own. So when you talk to him try and ask him questions that can tell you who he is.
Like you, my SIL was with the same man since she was 18. Like you, he was older. She was with him until he died 8 years ago. After he died she started acting like a teenager when it came to men and dating. It was like she hadn't matured past the age she was when she got involved with her boyfriend (they never married). This happens a lot to adults who were abused/neglected as children. They get stuck at the age where they go involved with long time partner (for my SIL it was 18) pattern and it takes time to evolve from that.
You were 16 I think when you met Ron so it makes sense that you have some teenageesque ideas about men and dating and all that.
Now now no name calling. (You know who you are)
Last comment I agree also I believe FAS people can be somewhat emotionally stunted as well. Just my observation.
My aunt already had enough grief trying to wrangle one "boy crazy" female relative who stayed with her for some time about 10 years back. I don't plan to give her any more gray hairs.
I was 17 when I met Ron I will do a blog on my dating history, what there is of it. Short version not much.
Post a Comment