Some thoughts on love, what I had, what I want

 For over 2 years I was completely happy to be alone. Lately I have been missing having a man in my life, not really just physically (that didn't happen for a long time for obvious reasons), but just someone to look at me with love in his eyes, hold my hand, etc. I am not in a hurry for physical for a few reasons but just being around someone who loves me would be nice.  

Jesus died for me but he can't hold my hand or meet me after work for a cup of coffee.  The trick is finding someone who loves Jesus even more than I do; who puts God first in ALL things.  The Bible has a lot to say about marriage actually and Ephesians chapter 5 is one of them.   That a husband should love a wife as Christ loved the church even up to dying for her (verse 25).  

Ron did a lot of things wrong aside from physically abusing me, extreme verbal abuse, and some things regarding sex. He did not value me, did not respect me until the last month or so of his life.  It was great when he did but I want that from the start, this time. 

Ron physically cheated on me and did porn until we got married, then he did porn. He did not believe porn was cheating no matter how I told him it hurt me. He had tapes of sexual encounters where he had cheated and listened to those, he also listened to talking books from the government that had very explicit descriptions of sex acts and would play those again and again while he... you know. So that's a very sore subject for me.   Who could forget him playing those X rated sex scenes on his talking book machine while the plumber worked in his room?  

Now that's a question can I find a red blooded guy about my age who doesn't battle this?  I don't know. I hope I can find someone who has basically laid that demon  to rest, flees from temptation. But I don't know. 

But respect, cherish...that is what I want. I liked having someone to take care of, laundry, cooking, etc. I would love someone to rub my neck after work and rave about my cooking. 

But I have to work on my  relationship with God first. I made Ron my idol and I believe I would still lean that way so I need to guard my affections and ALWAYS KEEP GOD FIRST in everything and have a man who always puts God first as well. Because if I put keeping a man happy as my #1 job my faith life will go to hell and I don't want that. 

So I don't really care what a guy looks like as long as he takes care of himself. I had a customer about my age last night, very obese, wheezing, on a cane. He could not find any pants that fit and we go up to a 50 inch waist on the men's pants. He was pretty upset.  I told him I had lost a lot of weight with keto and he said he had to do something.  I hope he does before he ends up on oxygen in a wheelchair. 

I have determined I would rather have a sighted guy just because I enjoy having a man look at me with appreciation in his eyes.  Respect.  Eventually love I would hope. Getting driven around would be awesome as well but if he's epileptic or something and can't I would work with that and we could flip that and do an awesome bus/Uber ministry.  I have gotten around OK on my own paying for rides for years now and I can keep doing that if need be. 

On another note it is cold today, I am running my little space heater. Both the gas and electric bills were $43 each I thought that was funny. 

I had a good nap with the cats and slept so hard I didn't know the day or time when I got up, I had to check my cell phone. 

That's it for now.