Why do I stay with Ron?

First, why am I making this post - I had planned to go back to bed about now but I have 2 cats on my mattress cover looking so sweet and peaceful.  I'm not going to evict them and make the bed, so I might as well write.  I am also pretty sure I have done one of these anyway.  

So, why do I stay?  

We all know the bad, he drinks, he can be verbally nasty, he has a head injury with concurrent difficult/bad behavior.  He missed so many times with the urinal I had to cut out the carpet.  He needs a lot of care, example I had to feed him breakfast.  He has made some verbal cuts, done some awful things.  

I am sure a lot of people would run like hell but I guess I am not most people.  

He is also fiercely loyal (now), understanding (most of the time), compassionate to a fault.  He had no problem taking in 3 new cats last year just because they needed us.  He loves Cleo even though she never goes near him (afraid of the wheelchair, and Baby Girl won't allow her in the bed).  Baby Girl: he adores her and would do anything for her welfare.  Except clean the litter box!  LOL  He understands my needs, if I tell him I am depressed he gets it, if I'm tired he understands I need to rest, even if I just got up a couple hours ago.  He is learning to adapt to my manias (small as they are these days), enjoying things I cooked or work I've done.  He is a fairly understanding boss and is happy to give me the day off if I have a vicious migraine - a big improvement on years past.  

I see improvement in him, most days.  

Also, let's look at the selfish side of things: I make a living working part time.  Yes, I do full time caregiving but that is off and on during the day and not generally constant.  I have a nice house (I think), my own rooms, a little workout station, a nice little kitchen (small, but efficient).  I have a lot of cats many men would not be OK with that.  If I were solely selfishly motivated that might be enough.  

Also we have to look at my faith: God says to forgive.  I endeavor not to be a bitter and vengeful person.  I do my best not to hold grudges which is one reason I am going to have to work on forgiving my sister if she's the one who reported me to APS.  I may never know.  It is the sort of thing she would do HOWEVER I don't think she would get Ron's middle name wrong like the reporting party did.  They had him down as Ronald Jerome, who is a child molester out of Louisiana.  Correction, lives in Houston now, had a 14 year old girlfriend.  He couldn't get a woman his own age?  

I mean, I'm one to talk my Ron is 20 years older than me but we are 40 and 60 now (ish).  He never would have dated - done - a 14 year old.  And I wasn't exactly static, either... we both seduced each other.  I know, TMI.  

Anyway, I don't think my sister would have messed up the middle name but I could be wrong.  I don't think I ever told her.  

But I think I need to proceed as if she did call and then work on forgiving her from there.  That was one thing about my sister she held grudges.  I remember she told me about her father she was still angry he got sober after she moved out.  He was a teenager, I believe, when he fathered her what did she expect?  I don't want to be a grudge-holder.  

Ron and I were talking he wanted clarification on my mother and grandmother so I told him, again.  He forgets so I told him all over again.  Short version my grandmother was a diagnosed schizophrenic always held grudges.  My Grandfather died during her pregnancy with my Mom, she actually (his wife) saw him die.  Not surprising she would snap.  She was never in my life my mother was rabid about keeping her away from me, so I view that as a favor.  My mother was a bipolar and alcoholic with it, got diagnosed in her 40's when it was really too late for her.  She died not long after.  

I told Ron it is not surprising I had mental illness, it seems very genetic, is also rampant on my father's side, and a major reason I never had or wanted kids.  This illness is hell I would never put someone I loved through it.  

I did tell Ron had things been very different I might have done embryo adoption someone else's embryo, leftover after fertility treatments, placed into me I have a "normal" pregnancy and birth, but the child is not biologically (good!) mine.  That would have been cool.   I would have wanted to stay in touch with the bio family as well.  

BUT I figure God has a half dozen unwanted kids for me some day.  Do I pine for children?  No, to be honest a lot of them seem like PITAs.  I like my life the way we have it.  

I remember the look on Ron's face when he told me he was fixed he thought it was a deal killer; it was not.  We discussed it at some length and decided (back in 1992, laugh with me here) the world was too messed up.  Boy we had no idea.  

Boy didn't we.  

I had planned on taking a nap about now but there are 2 cats in my bed looking very cozy.  I need to take a shower so I will do that.  Ron really loved his split peas and is in a food coma right now.  He kept asking for more I was worried he would get sick, but he didn't.  He has no idea split peas are full of nutrition and will not tell him.  

I will make myself some lentils, later.  I am thinking maybe with some garlic sausage but the ham is already open so I will probably use that.