Morning musings and a split pea recipe

So, my whole life I had these horrible tortuous mood swings.  

I was told my mother was mentally ill and an alcoholic, in a way that indicated I wasn't allowed to be angry at her as a result, how can you kick this poor broken woman?  Her baby died!  Yeah, and she disabled the next one... so my experience with mental illness was very negative, that it was used as a cop out and a way to avoid responsibilities.  My sister did this as well "You can't make demands on me, I'm sick, you can't hold me accountable..." 

Now I more than anyone understand what depression does to, say, housekeeping but you get help.  You don't just lie there crying victim.  I don't know where I got that from but I feel it very strongly.  

It is one thing to vent (for those who aren't getting the point), it is another to ask for help, and I never did.  Never.  I said at times I felt like I was overwhelmed but give me a couple hours, the next day, I was/am fine.  

So my sister was VERY invested into getting a bipolar diagnosis for herself because our mother's diagnosis was used to cover just about every sin.  Forget your kid's birthday several years in a row?  No problem.  Never call or write?  No problem.  Blow off visitation?  Understood.  You're mentally ill and it's just too hard to give a damn.  

Now, looking back I can say I did not need an unhealthy person in my life but most of the time I felt her not caring was being excused by the drinking and mental illness.  I had a therapist when I was a teen, if I express myself well she gets the credit.  I remember she tried for years to get me to admit I was angry at my mother.  It took a very long time.  

And the adults in my life used the mental illness as an excuse for her being a terrible mother.  So I was not interested in getting a free pass.  

I just wanted to feel like I was not a passenger in a runaway vehicle, screaming as it swerved all over the road.  I wanted to feel like I was in control of my mind, most days.  I wanted the damn music to stop, the bugs to stop crawling on my skin.  I wanted to wake up in a pretty good mood most days.  I didn't want to sleep 24 hours straight.  I wanted to have an empty kitchen sink and wholesome food in the fridge.  I wanted my husband to have a predictable wife.  

That is one thing my Dad said about my mother "I never knew what I would find when I opened the door after work every day".  I didn't want to be that wife.  I didn't want to have the family curse.  I didn't want to be that doomed soul.  I wanted to stop thinking about suicide.  

I was 32 when the nice mental health tech told me I was bipolar.  "My whole life" I told him "They have said I'm not".  Well, he explained, I was now.  It did not have to be a death sentence and I could have a great life with medication.  One day God will show him how much I needed that little pep talk because I am not my mother and I wasn't going to let this illness destroy my life like it did hers.  

I had a gap between diagnosis and finding a doctor.  It is apparently difficult to find a good psychiatrist who takes self-pay patients, in Houston.  So I had 2 months.  I did a lot of reading.  Some of it was more esoteric... useless.  I didn't want long essays on the nature of creativity in the bipolar artist.  F#ck that shit is the music going to stop?  How?  

I found The Bipolar Survival Guide on my own.  It covered all my symptoms and told me what I had endured was pretty standard, that medication would help tremendously.  However, I had to be responsible about medication and this was a lifelong illness, with lifelong treatment.  I couldn't treat the medication like a headache pill "I feel better now'.  No, I would only feel better because I had been responsible.  That was important and a big key to why I have done so well.  

So I went in for my first appointment with the doctor, he handed me bottles of medication "Take this in the morning".  It was 10 AM.  I opened the bottle and took the dose then and there.  He laughed and said I would do well, I have, considering.  

One thing no one covered, how to deal with the mania.  Even managed I have small manias like I do today.  No one had any advice for that.  Now, I could go argue on a message board, post 10 blogs in an hour, buy crap and re-hoard my house, etc.  

But I figured out the best thing is all the household wifey stuff.  So I got up at 4, I fed the cats.  I started the first of three loads of laundry (if Biscuit ever gets off the bed I can strip the sheets), and I started cooking some split peas with ham for Ron.  Later on I will cook some lentils with ham for me.  I am not a fan of split peas but he loves them.  

Easy enough to cook on my gas stove, cheap, nutritious, what's not to love?  I even got the rice pot going because he likes to mix it with rice.  I can mix my lentils with rice as well.  The pre chopped ham was surprisingly affordable, too, and well worth saving the time and trouble of cutting it up myself.  

Years ago, when we had the deli, we had a bunch of ham ends.  One employee had been stealing them and taking them home to her dog, got a MAJOR attitude when I confronted her about stealing.  What she didn't say, and I noticed, she was leaving about 8 ounces of good ham on the end before she stuck it in her purse.  Ron fired her for stealing.  

He gave her another reason but we all knew.  

So we had these ham ends.  One of the employees suggested we make bean soup, so that's what I did.  It was a big hit, we used the 16 bean soup mix.  Looking back now, my life would have been so much easier if we had just used lentils.  They would have cooked in half an hour versus the hours I stood over the pot, stirring.  Oh, well, I was a kid.  

It was Ron's job to chop the ham and the onions for me.  He always did a good job, but there's no way he can do any chopping now, and I hate chopping, so I buy it prechopped.  It is only $3-4 dollars a pound depending on what you buy.  Money well spent especially considering what we used to spend on eating out.  I only used a half cup of chopped ham in it.  

Recipe, if you want it: 

1 cup dry split peas

2 cups water

3/4 t pepper (it is older normally I use a half teaspoon)

Could use onions if you want. 

1 packet ham seasoning (find in Mexican food aisle, has MSG if that is an issue)

Started with 1/2 c ham but Ron asked for more so I did 1 c total.  

Put water, ham seasoning, and pepper on to boil.  When boiling add split peas and ham, stir well, reduce heat, cover, stirring occasionally.  Serve when tender (I have some older peas so they are taking their time).  

You could put vegetables, sausage, garlic, the possibilities are unlimited.  Bacon ends.  Ron loves them, loads of protein and fiber, low fat (not that it's an issue for him).  He likes it with rice.