Thursday afternoon

I was pretty tired (getting woken up at midnight will do that to me) and tried to go to bed about the same time Ron tried to get in bed. 

"I don't need help".  Then he fell.  I managed to catch him before he hit the floor.  It took some wrangling to get him back into bed but I got it.  The problem, when he is very drunk he will fight me on going into bed.  It's like he wants to fall.  I have to tell him to relax. 

If he weren't crippled I would say "go ahead and fall" but it is my understanding if I don't do 110% to help him every time I perceive a need, I could be up on charges.  If the lawyer is still around I would value an opinion.  So I feel obliged to help even when he fights me. 

The laceration on his finger is a good example, I had to treat it every day whether he liked it or not, wanted it or not, because it was a bad gash down to the bone and I had already "failed" by not taking him to a doctor within 4 hours of the injury (he was naked, drunk, and very combative).  It healed up OK with daily care but it was hard on both of us. 

I didn't want to look at it.  He didn't want it touched. 

Of course I would have left him if he wasn't such a train wreck and on some level he knows that.  One reason I think he doesn't work to better himself. 

One thing I never forget.  It is NOT the accident that tipped him into the bottle.  He was OK for years afterward, he would have a binge with bad behavior but no falling just some verbal abuse.  Not OK but not extreme. 

When I got diagnosed, when I got treated, that is when he couldn't cope.  He was so used to looking down on the woman in his life, she is defective, she is weak.  Suddenly I revealed myself to be a strong, capable woman out there kicking ass.  He couldn't handle the shift. 

So he became an alcoholic.  That is not my fault, that is his. 

And for so many years he said he had the perfect childhood and everything was great, he was close to his mother, etc.  I thought it was an ideal.  That's what he wanted me to think.  But seeing his response to my recovery makes me realize how deeply flawed things must have been for him, growing up. 

He used to tell me, and I think it is funny now, that I had better measure up to his family's strict standards, because if I didn't I would be out the door.  If his siblings didn't like me, his parents didn't like me, it was over.  So I ran around kissing butt and trying to make everyone happy. 

Which is why they thought I would go along with the whole stick him in a nursing home plan  Looking back I have to say I am glad I kept him out, even now.  We had a problem then and I made sure Ron stayed free, even if it meant the end of us as a couple. 

Then he realized all the "love and support" he thought he had was just a thin veneer over a cesspool.  He gets very upset if I remind him of that and does blame me for "driving them away".  He has had the same cell number for 25 years.  They all had it.  Let me see if I can find it with a google search. 

Oops.  My Ron is Ron J. "Smith".  When I google that name there is another Ron J (different middle name, same initial) "Smith" who had sex with a 14 year old girl, is on the sex offender database, and probably just ruined any future chances for my Ron.  They even look related. 

What is it with Rons and their underage girls?  (I was 17 when we were "dating"). 

But if they wanted his number they could get it.  It is very easy to find us on Facebook, his nephew did and we are friends.  If his brother or sister sent me a message wanting to visit I would set up a meet at a coffee shop. 

One thing you can say about me, in spite of everything I have been dealt by my family of origin I stay in contact.  I text.  I call.  I facebook.  I make time to see them when they come to visit.  I save money for a hotel so I can go to Galveston with them.  Because it is important. 

If a family member is committed they will stay in touch.  I have zero influence over Ron's cell phone, the only thing I tell him if the phone rings and it is not in his phonebook I suggest it go to voicemail.  But he checks his own phone and messages.  I don't object when he talks to old lovers.  I sure wouldn't object to his family if they didn't get him upset.

So I don't feel bad about him losing something he felt had been valuable.  I remember one time I took his mother a gift for Mother's Day.  I didn't realize no one else had brought a gift.  I had made handmade candles with soy wax, colorants, and fragrance, put a lot of effort into it.  She didn't open the gift bag at all in my presence, she just put it in the other room so it "wouldn't upset the other kids".  I never heard a word about it after that and I had spent hours on it.  Next year I did not bring a gift. 

His parents were very focused on pleasing the other children because the "kids" would keep them out of a nursing home and ensure they aged well.  Of course the "kids" put them in a nursing home and that was the end of it.  At the end of it, Ron and I could have probably done more for them. 

He is asleep all day today so he will likely be up all night.  I just hope we don't have a repeat of him upset about the cat.  Let me see if he made trips because I only have an hour. 

He did.  A later pickup: nice.  My headache is pretty much gone. 

I decided I will, depression permitting, shave my legs this winter.  We often get a nice day and it would be nice to wear something other than long jeans. 

I think I will try to pick up some, quietly so I don't wake him up.  Or watch TV.  I'm not sure. 

It is kind of late to go out but I can always go tomorrow after work.  I hear good things about grooming gloves so I might get one for Baby Girl.  I just hope Ron gets over the shave quickly.  He is having a harder time than the cat. 

At least my adoptive Mom got her gift, we just texted.  I have various things coming next week.