I wanted to wait a while and check but I have not had a depression in a while now. The last time I told my doctor this he used the word "remission" which is a very good word to hear. I will need to talk to him the next couple weeks to get my refill but I think he will be VERY happy to hear it.
When I told my aunt she made the point the depression lifted about the time I started doing the Handouts again. Cause? Effect? It is interesting although I have to say I did many, many, handouts deeply depressed during Bad Times with Ron. The Handouts were the only thing that kept me from killing myself to be honest; not that I was suicidal but it gave me the purpose I needed to keep going. And that is the first time I have admitted it.
I don't think I can ever accurately convey the hell of the last 30 years. But my hands are clean, I made a promise to God that I would take care of him and I did. Ron had NO ONE ELSE I couldn't let a serial killer end up in the kind of facility he'd go to if I left. Ron had good in him; I think most of us do, and I chose to love that and focus on that to my own harm.
But the night in December 2019 where I lay in bed truly worried about my safety, because he had asked me "Where did you put my (kitchen) knife? Give it back!" Right before he had a blackout drinking and sat in front of my bedroom door in his wheelchair muttering "Bitch" again and again. I was truly afraid for my life. No wife should feel that way. Especially the wife of a man who claims he is Saved. That's a good example. A little snapshot if you will combined with an unending torrent of sleep deprivation, verbal abuse, etc.
Whoever called APS trying to "help" just made it worse for me by the way. I respect WHY you did it and I'm not angry anymore but please don't do me any more "favors". The lady who sends me gift cards and cash? That is a favor! The encouraging cards, notes, comments yes please. I need that. Getting authorities involved? No. That is all on that.
But the day he died, I can admit this now, when I truly realized he was gone I felt such RELIEF. IT WAS OVER. And that is why I have been careful with men. There is at least one guy at work (neurodivergent) who is interested if I indicated he would be thrilled but I am not dating "different" men again I am sorry if that makes me sound elitist.
The farther out I get the more I realize how sick my marriage was and how much I would go to avoid that. If that means no man in my life I am fine with that. I also think I would have the same conflict I had with Ron over the Bible Handouts, I go to very bad places and he would not want me to, no man would.
And the coroner determined Ron was in good shape when he died, well fed and nourished. No signs of foul play nothing but the seizure med in his bloodstream. He died of a heart attack while I was out of the house. So my hands are clean again.
It is overcast and I hear thunder so I am encouraged the heat may actually break. I managed to beat back my headache and nausea; took my "necessary" meds and even a few vitamins.
That's it for now.
3 comments:
I think your PTSD from being with Ron is going away and all the trauma associated with that marriage. Plus you are learning to stand up to people and not tolerate bullying (the example at work comes to mind). Happy for you!!!
Stop dwelling on the past. Not good to think about it every single day. My life was not easy either. I could write a book too, and you wouldn't believe most of it. I don't ignore it or push it down, it was my life and that's that
Day to day I don't think about it, except when I had that bruise on my arm that looked like someone grabbed me. That is mostly healed up though.
I process things here I just live day to day away from this computer.
Post a Comment