Thursday morning

I slept OK but dreading work for some reason today.  I'm going to get my shower and come back... 

Done I even remembered to do my upper lip treatment.  A lot of times I forget to do it at home and remember at work or on the bus.  I had a protein shake as well.  After I finish my treatment I need to do my God time, get dressed, do up the candy to hand out today.  

Work has some things that frustrate me hopefully those will be OK today.  I can only go in and find out.  The work app had a survey for me I was honest hope that doesn't get me into trouble.  

We may get some rain today on my way into work so I need to bring my jacket.  I was thinking to look for that can opener before work that will add some bulk if I buy it, but I can really use it, just a lot of stuff to haul home.  We will see.  I am pretty much done with manual can openers for now.  

Off to do my God Time.  Weight was up about 2 pounds this morning I ate OK so I am guessing this is just water weight and won't stress about it.  I am still at 203.  A couple weeks ago I was well over 211.  

I just remembered I need to make my tuna for today.  Salmon actually, but I splashed myself with the juice when I took the top off (pull tab).  I need to remember to make "tuna" before my shower, not after.  I did clean it up somewhat.  I put it in the fridge for a while I don't want it in my lunch bag yet because it will have a long day in the lunch bag.  

Plan is to buy a double cheeseburger for lunch (better hot) and have the salmon for my dinner.  The cats are good, Biscuit watched me fix my lunch but didn't beg, I think because he knows fish protein is bad for him.  Spotty was cute and cuddly (in his own way) during my God time and Cleo I am sure is in my bedroom looking out the back door.  

I need to go get dressed and do up the candy, that's it for now.  

Too cute not to share

 

I had to share him.  I got a great shot, he set it up, with my hand tremor I kind of point the camera at whatever and hope for a good shot.  He just sat there all cute while I did take the shot so I have a good one.  He is not perfectly centered but still not bad.  He has had a little eye booger situation the last day or two which is normal with older cats.  

I had a pretty good nap he slept with me actually, and then thought I would feed him when I got up.  I did not because I like to feed him every 12 hours.  

I plan to work on my cell phone case I really need a button on that thing when I am stocking.  Bending over leaning forward the phone comes out.  

That's it for now, I thought you would enjoy Biscuit.  

Doesn't he look slim?  (He is NOT).  

Wednesday morning

 Sometimes something will take me aback and I am reminded of Ron.  People in wheelchairs.  Blind people.  Things like that.  Recently it has been a magazine at work.  

Some magazines publish special "book" editions of articles on a subject like Harry Potter or whatever.  This one is "Understanding Alzheimer's" .  I have absolutely no interest in that.  It was enough for me to live with it for years, and to hear that Ron was 5 times more likely to get it after his head injury.  Only people unconscious for more than 24 hours have that risk, which is not many.  Plus add in genetics with both Ron's parents having dementia and he was doomed, poor soul.  I don't need to know more.  I don't WANT to know more. 

It's just SAD.  And this is awful to say but I am so afraid of another relationship and him getting sick too.  That would crush me.  Or his mother gets sick, or his kid..."Oh Heather has done this all before" and I get sucked down the rabbit hole again.  I would rather live alone than go through that again.  

All that said I fell asleep OK and slept alright.  I was OK when I got up and pretty depressed now.  Facebook gave me a "memory" a video of Ron in the wheelchair at work, stocking.  He made it look so easy.  The video was from 2010 so his back was still pretty good just the neuropathy in his feet.  And the stroke and being blind of course, but he went to work every day and was happy he had a job.  I miss him.  

I am glad he isn't suffering any more.  Very happy about that.  But I do miss him.  And today's the day I had planned to do all my cooking and kitchen work.  

My solution for that is likely a B vitamin (I already took my pills) and some time on the exercise bike.  I do feel better when I do that.  I hadn't planned on the bike today but it is bad enough I think I should.  

Right now I am going to go do up my medication for a couple of weeks.  I will put some in baggies for the nights I work I can just grab a baggie and throw it in my lunch bag when I do work late.  This week won't be hard, I only work 2 nights and 2 days, then have 3 days off.  So I will go do that.   

All done I was awash in a river of pills.   I did some Vitamin E and Vitamin A in there too, in gelatin capsules.  I keep the house warm enough that the gelatin sticks to the pill organizer and makes a mess.  I thought maybe I could put the pill organizers in the fridge but I called the pharmacy.  And as it turns out I cannot put my pills in the fridge.  Glad I asked!  

I decided to make some cheese/tortilla things those are tasty.  I put some Louisiana hot sauce on them.  I like a little bit of heat these days, not too much just a dab.  And the Louisiana sauce is not overly hot.  Most homes in Houston, especially Creoles, have a bottle of it on the table.  I remember one time I bought a giant bottle of hot sauce at a dollar store and took it to work (at the Post Office), it was about 2 quarts and it was gone in about a week.  Ron didn't want to make supply runs to get hot sauce but I would have.  I also supplied dish soap for a while until the custodians yelled at me about it for some reason, and began hiding it, because they did not want people washing their dishes with soap.  Why?  I couldn't tell you.  So I stopped.  But people were still rinsing their dishes in the sink.  

That's it for now.  

Faith post vent

Feel free to skip if you don't love the Lord I won't take it personally.  

A little backstory, grew up in a house where faith, religious attendance was important.  Went to a VBS at the Baptists (I was raised Presbyterian) and got saved around age 8-10.  In church (my church) I was given a very nice presentation Bible when I turned 8 and had a lot of fun reading that.  

Teen years were pretty rough with depression and family stuff I did backslide some but still loved God, just couldn't understand His plan and why it meant so much pain for me.  But I kept plugging along.  

I met Ron and he said he had to be with a woman of faith because it would never work otherwise, I managed to find my way back to a point of trusting God again but I did a lot of backslidden things with Ron for the next 11 years.  But I always believed God loved me even if I didn't pray or read my Bible much.  I used to worry my sin would send me to hell even though I knew I was saved, and God forgives sin, but this was ongoing sin so that bothered me a lot.  I even picked up some extra Bible translations because I really had an appetite for the Word at times.  

Then Ron got hurt.  I immediately threw myself on God.   My proudest moment in my life, one of them, was the fact that I was able to immediately tell God I wanted His will for Ron and not mine.  If He wanted Ron to live I would do whatever I could for him; if He wanted to take Ron I would accept that as there is a lot Ron would not want to survive anyway.  So I felt like I was in God's will for that.  God showed me He wanted Ron to live so I went with that "He's going to live, what can I do to help?"  

His family did not understand this and were planning his funeral up to weeks after the accident.  I just tried to learn what I could.  

When Ron was back to himself I did tell him I could not stay with him if we were not married as I had many (!!) problems as a result of that and I wasn't going through that again.  Also all his friends were telling him he'd be an idiot to let me go, how bad he had been after the accident, and how he should marry me.  Ron wasn't stupid he knew he would end up in a facility if he did not marry me either.  

Now years before God had told me Ron would DEMAND to marry me and I didn't believe it, but he did.  So we did and finally on the right path no more ongoing sin issue (except gossip and feeling sorry for myself).  My faith walk continued but Ron was very angry at God.  

Ron had died in the accident and gone up to Heaven for about 10 minutes, then had to come back.  He was very upset he was sent back and made it very clear that was never, ever, to happen again and if he EVER died again I was to let him go (remembered all this the day he died and one reason I had no problem stopping the life saving efforts).  He became pretty bitter about that.  

If I mentioned my faith, God, etc. he would go off and shout at me and God.  God help me if he found out I was doing my prayer or Bible study, that really upset him.  I couldn't mention prayer.  I could barely mention the Bible Handouts and only after I put them in the context of "Maybe we will get raptured after someone takes a Bible on a Handout", after that he went with me on many handouts just "get Him to hurry up and take us".  He was also worried I would be killed on a Handout and at least wanted to go with me if it happened (I did go to some bad areas).  He would talk about what happened to him and how he wanted to go back; he would talk a lot about the mark of the beast warning people not to take it (right hand or the forehead, just say no).  

But it was awful he was always shouting at me when I mentioned my faith in God.  He drove me to secrecy, I would get up early and do my faith walk stuff before he got up so I wouldn't have to deal with the fallout.  I couldn't mention the Bible.  I couldn't mention prayer.  I couldn't go to him and ask for prayer when I was having a Bad day.  I just had to handle my whole faith walk on my own.  It was really sad.  

One reason I am not looking to date again I don't want to deal with that again.  I loved Ron a lot, still do, but that was not Biblical what he did.  I am still finding my way back to a healthy faith walk out of that.  

That is all.  

My evil plan is working

I had a pretty good nap and put my shoes by the bed before I laid down.  Plan was to use exercise bike when I got up.  And it worked.  

Dad told me he worked out yesterday so I had told him I would work out today if he did, and I'm not going to be a liar.  So we can incite each other to it, God knows we can both stand to work out, him for mobility/strength and me for weight and overall health.  I hoped it would work never dreamed it would work this well.  At the end of it I am a Daddy's girl and want to get his approval.  

I know Dad thinks I will remarry I am not sure of that and OK with living alone the rest of my life, me and my cats.  It wouldn't be fair to crate a dog the times I am gone because I can be gone for up to 12 hours for work sometimes.   

I woke up from the nap craving pancakes.  I have a little pancake griddle so I got out the mix, fired up the griddle, and made 1/2 cup of mix which equalled out to 2 modest pancakes.  They were nice and fluffy.  They did spike my blood sugar (used sugar free syrup), so I ate some of my ham ends later.  

Talked to my parents they are doing well.  They ate out the other day so they have nice leftovers.  Dad is pretty good with portion control.  That's good to know.  

It is hot and sunny out so I am spending time inside.  The pancakes did not blow my carb budget for the day really happy about that, and I ate them after I worked out which is the best time to do that.   

I am pretty tired, just waiting for my linens to dry so I can put pillow cases on the bed.  That's it for now.  

Fashion show

 I had fun playing in my "box" today.  I have very small closets and in my main closet I have a plastic box with smaller sized clothes I really liked, very good deals, I picked up at the thrift shop.  Every brand has a different size and even that changes from year to year, so I am currently wearing everything from 20W to regular 18's.  I had a look in my box, everything is still too small but I have some nice smaller items.  I will have to lose a couple of inches off my waist and hips for the real fun to happen, but when I do I will have a lot of stuff.  

I also plan to work on what is too large for me, I have a petty good selection of that out in the garage I need to sort out.  For instance my Gloria Vanderbilt 18W's are too loose now.  They will be retired once I finish washing them today.  And I will go out there and sort out my 24's, my 22's, etc.  I need to see if a trash bag will work.  A couple of bags because I have sized down a good 50 pounds the last year.  I would like to get that organized.  God forbid I may need it again.  

I don't plan to, though.  I am on a losing streak and plan to keep it up.  I should look in Ron's closet I have my wedding gown in there.  Not much, a few bottoms in a size 24 and a couple tops.  I went and checked the garage, DID find a mauve t shirt and mauve polo that perfectly match my mauve jeans.  Jeans fit great tops will be a size large but that's fine.  Glad I looked.  When the 18W jeans are dry I will put them outside and good to go, the size regular 18 jeans will go in the box.  

That's it for now.  

A tale of 2 charities: the turnip

 When I have been low income my "giving" has been focused on buying candy and supplies to hand out.  That generally consumes at least 10% of my budget and then I don't worry about any other giving unless led by God (someone got robbed, etc.).  I am doing that now.  

Last year I was supporting two charities.  I will name one, World Missionary Press (WMP) and not the other as I will not be casting them in a good light.  Both charities do good work and focus on getting the gospel out.  Charity B also focused on doing some holistic things and then preaching the gospel what was fine with me.  I had them both on auto pay.  

Both charities were fine with small monthly debits.  I commend them for that.  

But I had to stop it as I literally have very low grocery budgets some times and I really needed the money.  God does want me eating right.  I take the bus nearly everywhere I go, stand out at hot bus stops in the middle of the day to go to work in feels like 108, etc.  So not living in luxury.  

So I changed my debit card and decided not to provide the companies with the new number.  WMP sent me 1-2 emails "Your donation didn't process" and that was it.  I was asking for more booklets, I go through a lot, and they were happy to send more even though I wasn't donating any more.  I think it was handled very well.  That was all they did.  I still like them on Facebook and I am not getting any more emails, I never got any letters from them aside from the newsletter with reports of what God is doing with the booklets (I like the newsletter).  

Charity B was quite the opposite.  I turned off the debit card months ago and they are still sending emails, paper letters (what a waste of resources), treating me like a deadbeat.  If I had the money I would have been giving it but Ron always used to make a comment about not getting blood out of a turnip.  But their response has been so awful I don't think I will be contributing any more even if I do get more money.  It's just not respectful.  I would have helped if I could but I am poverty level, my lawyer said so.  I can only do so much and I believe God wants me "on" the candy ministry for now.  

World Missionary press has been a rock star in this and I definitely plan another autopay when I can.  

201.8!

 It wasn't pretty getting up yesterday I was of course exhausted.  I got to work OK and bought my sausage (different meats, one pound of each).  I also bought a bag of assorted candy that had "good" stuff like Lemonheads in it to hand out.  That cost $10 but I am always happy to buy candy because the drivers like it so much and it furthers an eternal purpose.  I put up the sausage in my lunch bag.  I had made some tuna and had that before work, it stuck with me a long time.  I actually was not hungry when I went to break but it was getting busy and I had to go before it got so busy I could not go, if that makes sense.  So tuna is a viable option for that.  I had $1 left and some change.  

I started work and stumbled across a pair of Gloria Vanderbilt jeans on clearance.  Size 18.  Flare leg (my favorite).  Dark wash.  Not destroyed.  Amanda cut which works on my figure.  I scanned it with my phone $1.  You can bet I bought them on my break!  They are in the wash now.  So I found it cute how God provides.  

I did not have all the tools I needed to do my job yesterday but I made it work.  It began pouring rain right as I was leaving.  I did NOT have my umbrella, but did have my rain jacket.  So I wore that with the hood down so I could see the traffic.  I was OK until I got to the busy street I had to cross to get to the bus stop, the water was running off the street on both sides making a deep puddle about a foot deep on each side, which I had to run through to get across the street.  

Lesson: get $20 out of my tax return money, keep that on hand so I can pay for a cab ride home times like this.  Yes it is possible to get home on the bus but I might ruin my shoes.  Not worth it.  So I will be doing that next time.  The bus was very polite pulling up to the bus stop.  A lot of times I have had cars splash me while I have been waiting on a bus but this bus was very considerate in pulling up slowly so he didn't make a big splash.  I said thank you and meant it.  Traffic was bad, I think a light was out (another reason to take a cab) but I did get home on time.  

Different drivers of course because it's a weekday and I don't often work Mondays, but they appreciated the candy so I'm glad I rode.  I did leave a big puddle in my seat on the bus I was so drenched but I couldn't do anything about that.  

I got home and texted my Mom I would call later as I was really tired.  I took a nap, got up, called them.  They are looking forward to my stepbrother visiting with his girlfriend.  Mom and Dad are doing well.  

I hung up, had a protein shake and my pills, went to bed.  I slept great and woke up at 5 AM with a headache.  I had some Excedrin which ensured I was really awake but I was OK with that.  I did get enough sleep already.  

I also found out I am down to 201.8 which is excellent.  I should lose until the end of the week if past history is any indicator then I stall out for a couple of weeks.  

I don't plan to do much today other than some laundry.  My budget is fried (but OK with that) so I won't go out shopping I have plenty to eat out of my fridge and freezer.  So plan is to watch Chicago Fire after I do my God Time and just relax.  I may work out on the exercise bike I will see how I feel.  

That's it for now.  

Another [censored] party

 So went to work it was fine.  Came home on the bus that took a while but I made it.  

Talked to my parents and went to bed, and #6 started up with the polka music.  It went on until well after 9 PM.  I had to get up at 3.  So that was an issue for me.  I finally said to hell with it and called the police.  They said they would be happy to come out.  I was rational and calm just tired and I explained I had to get up at 3 and really needed my sleep, that they had some sort of speaker system right outside my bedroom wall, etc.  And they did come out.  And he shut up and hopefully will think about it next time.  It is all well and good to party-party on your time off but it may not be someone else's, and after 9 on a Sunday night is too much in my book.  

Now next week all that goes out the window as it is the 4th and everyone will be partying.  But I have the 4th and 5th off (still don't know how I did that) so it won't matter.  Anyway I'm not sorry I did this.  I had to call the police a lot on them when Ron was alive because he would get very agitated during the music.  

And I am up here at 4 am and playing music but it is at volume level 4 and I can barely hear it.  

I did make some tuna salad before I went to bed so that will be good at work later, just tuna and mayo.  I am also taking some of my ground turkey and kidney bean concoction which is also pretty good.  I have $18 left so I should have enough for a Mountain Dew (diet) and a couple of chubs of sausage at work today which will go in my tote bag.  That should hold me on food for a while.  I could also buy more frozen turkey if I want I will have the tote bag, we will see...

Eggs are more problematic to transport and I am not a huge egg fan anyway so not doing that, but some meat and cheese, yes PLEASE.  I also need to eat the kale I bought last week.  

My weight was down a little today, .2 pounds, which is impressive on a couple of counts mainly that I have not gotten adequate sleep for a few days.  I won't go into the other reason you don't want to hear that.  

I need to take my shower... will be back.   All my things to do took a while.  

Hopefully work will be smooth and uneventful today but you never know at a big retail store.  I do like working for Walmart I can definitely say that; I like the job, coworkers, most of my customers.  I like being able to pick up just about anything before work.  And I'll make $60 that buys a lot of my groceries or months of Biscuit's "extra" cat food.  

I don't often go in on a Monday so the ride is a little bit of a mystery to me.  I mean I know when I need to get out there and all I just don't know those drivers.  I did have time (I asked God for help) to bag up some candy so that's ready, and I did decide I need to buy more candy at work today.  I have my lunch packed and a ziploc bag for the frozen turkey.  I bought a nice packet of ham ends yesterday, 2 pounds, that will hold me for a while. I would like to do some up with lentils we will see.  

I found I did not have more of the kidney bean concoction so I will make some more, that was pretty good.  I found my can of chili beans that will make it really good.  

It was funny at work yesterday everyone was saying they had Monday off which doesn't surprise me.  I have every day of the week open on my availability but usually get Tue-Wed off as those are slow days.  And I don't mind working the weekend everyone is with their loved ones I would rather be busy than sitting home feeling sorry for myself.  

That's it for now.  

202.8

 I did not get to bed until very late.  Mom and Dad were having fun with the oldest "grand" and never called so I sent them a text and went to bed around 9 PM, had to get up around 3.  Weighed and 202.8, that is excellent.  I am really happy about that, I had hamburgers and donuts this last week, did NOT feel deprived.  So I think this will work well for me.  It does motivate me to eat better.  

Hope Dad was serious about giving me some money if I get below 200 pounds for a week!  That would be great!  I think I would spend half on rides and the other half on new clothes at the thrift shop.  We will see.  Size seems to be about the same but at least the weight is dropping.  And what my body does it will just suddenly wake up one day and I am smaller.  Apparently as you lose fat your body puts water in it's place and then holds onto it for a while, when it believes you are serious it drops the water.  But you have to be patient.  But I will just keep eating the way I have been and enjoy the ride.  But this plan I think I can manage long term.  I am getting healthy exercise (I used to work out for 1-2 hours at a time back in the day), I am eating pretty much right (could use more cooked greens), I can do this long term.  Nothing is off limits except that awful can of frosting I used to sit down and eat in front of the TV.  I had a lot on my plate at the time.  I still love me.  Ron would be pleased.  

He always loved my butt I am curious to see where that ends up at the end of my journey.  I will of course still have the "meno belly" the fat pouch on my abdomen, it will be smaller but it will still be there and I am OK with that.  I may need that if I get really sick or hurt one day.  After the accident, Ron lost about 50 pounds in a month in the ICU.  So a little extra (I am aiming for 20 pounds over ideal) is not bad.  

I plan to have a protein shake this morning and then some taco meat when I get to work, and more taco meat with beans on my break.  Donut is not off the table I will see what they have.  For now plan is to buy some pork rinds after work and bring those home on the bus.  It will mean I get home later but I am OK with that.  And I will give the cats a little extra food when I go.  It will be nice to have some pork rinds around.  It is supposed to rain the next couple days so I don't want to do it tomorrow.  I may get some meat tomorrow and bring that home (If I get that ground turkey I will bring a ziplock for it so it won't leak blood in my lunch bag again) though.  

It is funny I do want to take care of myself more if I am losing weight.  I guess I feel like there is hope to get healthy and I am more motivated.  And if that book is right I only really have another week or so of weight loss for the month.  So I will really work on eating better.  

It will be interesting to see how work goes today.  Did you know we already have swimsuits on clearance?  Pretty soon we will be doing winter coats.  I need to reevaluate my winter gear and see if I want to get a new coat.  Last year it worked to layer a fleece jacket over a hoodie so I may do that again, or if they have a nice white coat I may get one of those.  The white coat will be more visible early morning when I am going to work on the weekend.  I am still about a 2x but I was a 3 x last year and maybe a 1 x next year.  We will see.  Doesn't matter if the coat is a little big one day I prefer that.  I don't like tight clothes.  I have some fitted jeans that are not loose but I don't think they are slutty.  Besides the vest covers the whole waist/hip area,.  The vest is very unflattering to all figure types.  😂  It says "We're here to WORK" and that's it.  

I wouldn't want to date a guy from work anyway even though there was one guy who might have been a possibility, but I don't believe he was saved so that ended it right there.  Most of the nice guys my age are already married which is good, I want people to be happy.  And I want to be OK on my own before I run out into another relationship.  I think that is very important.  

Biscuit and Spotty are my men.  Cleo has been a little skittish lately I don't think the fireworks are going to help.  Normally I hear fireworks when they go on sale, people rush out and buy them but not this year.  I think they will save the fireworks for the actual 4th.  Inflation and job issues have really put a damper on that.  I feel bad for the fireworks sellers.  

That's it for now I need to get ready.  It is always more challenging when I have to ride the bus each way but that's $20 a ride saved each way.  And I only make $60 today so it is worth a little hassle to save the money.  

Saturday

One of my emojis in my phone reminded me of something from my childhood.  The school used to have safety talks.  The fireman scared me so much I had nightmares and I was exempted from all fire safety talks from that point onward.  Anyway this time they were talking about all the chemicals Mom keeps under the sink, don't touch it.  Then they put up a slide of a green face making a yuck expression.  Mr. Yuck they called him.  And they handed out stickers to go home and Mom was supposed to put Mr Yuck on all the toxic chemicals so we wouldn't drink them.  

My parents had a different take on that.  They said "If you ever touch these chemicals we will spank you" and we never did.  It's funny how that took me back.  

Work was fine.  The other day the guy I mentioned with the temper problem said something along the lines of "Walmart employees are not allowed to have a blog" which is BS of course we can.  We can't post pictures or video of the customers, I am sure they don't want us talking about trade policies.  You have seen what I write it is more what I did on the way to and from than what I actually do.  You don't even know what I do.  So I think I am fine.  

But I guess he googled me unfortunately one of the work apps does give first and last names.  And as far as I know I'm the only (me) in the country.  It's me and the other one.  You can see the go fund me from last year, and some of the other Heather's stuff like her Linked in (cashier), and pintrest.  She also remarried.  But she does the same thing I would do if I remarried.  Heather [current last name] [new last name] instead of just dropping Ron's name.  So much we went through to get married I will share it one day, I'm not tossing that name unless I end up in witness protection.  

So not very notable but I did check out the pork rinds on the way out.  They have 3 that look really good in addition to a wide spread of hot varieties and some plain.  Salt and Pepper (loved that last time I tried it), BBQ, and the Cheddar that I just got a few weeks ago.  I am really thinking about grabbing a few bags to take home on my day off.  A lot better to sit around munching pork rinds.  I'm thinking about it...we'll see.  Budget still has about $40 left for the week.  Pretty sure my discount applies...

I always say "This week I will just focus on eating up the stuff in my freezer" and I never do but maybe this is the week.  That would save me some money, too.  We will see.  It's the paradox I am more likely to be strict on my diet if I am losing vs. maintaining.  

Yeah I'm going to get the pork rinds.  Oink oink.  I could eat pig every day.  

Long ride home on the bus and a lady kept hassling me on the last bus, wanted money.  I kept telling her "I can't help you" and I meant that on a couple of levels.  She wouldn't hear it so the driver had to get on the PA and threaten to throw her off if she didn't leave me alone.  But we were about at my stop anyway so I got off quickly and he shut the door immediately and drove off so she couldn't chase me.  A guy with dreadlocks had gotten off but these were "tight" I think they call it very well maintained not the homeless look.  And he went into one of the nicer homes in the subdivision.  I went home, took off my work clothes and put on my workout clothes.  Then I did 25 minutes on the bike.  Very pleased with that.  Mom and Dad are at a grandson's birthday dinner (he's in his 20's, the first one) and will call me later.  

You might think why wouldn't I just skip the call tonight?  Tomorrow is not promised.  One thing that really bothers me I can't remember the last time I kissed Ron.  But that last phone call and getting to say I love you meant a lot to me.  So I will stay up.  

That's it for now.   

204!

 Yesterday was OK.  I had my 3 regular bus drivers.  One made a comment about me "stalking" him and gave the candy to a passenger.  I didn't mind because maybe that man was meant to have it all along.  The one driver was keto lady and I can't afford to hand out a meat snack 2x a week, sorry about that, so she didn't get anything.  The last one was a very nice driver and happy to get the New Testament with candy.  It was not fun waiting in the heat even my legs were sweating, but my compression socks did not make my legs hotter.  I could feel the tension in the socks but I wasn't smothered.  That was good to know as it was a long night on my feet.  

Work was OK my ongoing problem was fixed for a change.  Only for last night though.  I was able to do my job the way it was meant to be done so happy about that.  Co workers were nice had a "nicer" boss so that made things more pleasant.  I work hard regardless of who's in charge but some I prefer.  

I bought a jar of whey protein isolate before work, along with some of the stevia drink mix packets.  They all went in my bag.  My ground taco turkey + cheese + kidney beans concoction was pretty good and I am looking forward to eating more today.  It was nicely filling which I appreciate.  

I came home and texted my parents, had planned to go to bed right away but got delayed and went to bed a little later than I would have liked.  I wanted to do my dishes, for instance, if I don't do my dishes and they pile up that is a horrible mess on my day off (the little containers with screw on caps).  It needs to be washed again in hot soapy water but for now it doesn't have food particles in it.  

I also had a mess in my lunch bag, which reeked of rotting meat.  I finally figured that out, when I bought the frozen turkey chub from work it stayed in my lunch bag all day (it was fine it had an ice pack) but it thawed enough that it leaked turkey blood all over my lunch bag, which of course made a horrible reeking mess.  I had to wash all that out and soak it in some bleach solution to sterilize it.  So I had to do that before I went to bed as I am using the lunch bag today.  

Went to bed.  Kept waking up thinking I was late for work, that was unpleasant.  Finally got up, fed the cats, weighed myself, 204.2.  I am happy about that.  My eating plan is working for me.  Got the schedule, I am on there for 27 hours which is good.  Sometimes they do 20 hours which is a pinch.  Only 2 days off, though, but happy to get that.  I try to remain grateful for my job.  

I noticed my vest is fitting better, I got an XL when the new uniforms came in, instead of the 2X I had been wearing.  It was tight around my hips but less so, now.  I will measure and see if I am down from the 46 inches I have been stuck at for so long.  Nope still 46.  Ron always liked me with hips.  When I was a teenager a friend told me "Heather you have an ass like a tortilla" not sure if that was a compliment or not.  But I think I am losing some meat.  I deliberately chose a vest that was a little tight to remind me to eat smart at work.  

I tried on the new shorts they are still too tight.  I am apparently an 18W not just a regular 18 like I thought.  But that is OK.  I will be happy with whatever number it is as long as I am healthy.  And the shorts only cost $1 so no loss if I can't wear them for a while.  It is hot here 9 months of the year I will get to wear them sometime.  

I put my lunch in the tote bag.  I also logged breakfast and lunch in my food app so I don't have to do it later, also my activity like walking around with my tote bag, working, and some exercise bike later on when I call my parents.  That works pretty well, and Dad texted me yesterday he had gotten on the treadmill so hopefully I am inciting him to work out.  I just want him as healthy as possible.  It is really important to stay active.  If he can't get around that will be very bad for them both, she is about his age and can't do much for him physically.  

I have to go get ready, that's it for now.  

Friday morning

 205 again!  Very happy about that.  I want to get down to 170.  A few people have been surprised the number is high but I carry a good amount of muscle, don't want to lose that.  Also I look better with a little meat and got many compliments when I was @ 170 the last couple times I lost a lot of weight.  I have also lost more than halfway to goal.  All time high as far as I know (don't exactly get a text saying "Today you will be at your fattest ever, go weigh 😂 yourself" ) was 258.  So I have already lost 53 pounds just need to knock out another 35.  And I will be much healthier for it.  Glad I can eat real food on occasion with this plan I made up.  

So, yesterday went OK.  I did bite one nail at the bus stop, too far, and it was bleeding that was awkward trying to get it to stop.  I did manage to get it stanched by the time the bus came.  The bus driver told me I didn't have to swipe my pass.  I will continue to pay but I thought it was nice.  Today I put the $20 on the pass if it all works out.  

The keto bus driver loved the bag with the jerky.  I can't afford to do it every day but I can now and then.  Not jerky but they have those mylar packs of cooked meat like chicken fajita, tuna, smoked salmon, various other kinds of chicken.  They are about $1.  I can do that once a week or so.  And plenty of room for the Scripture booklet too.  

Got to work OK and got the $1 bags of hard candy, thank God those have not gone up in price.  I got 6 bags 5 for the recipients and one for Jack, who loves Root Beer Barrels.  Dad was very curious what that was and I told him it is a hard candy cylinder that tastes like root beer.  A friend in apparel turned me on to some Gloria Vanderbilt Amanda shorts for $1 they had it in an 18 so I grabbed one and paid for that immediately, put it in my bag.  I also got the buttons (97 cents not counting my discount) to make the cell phone holder with a closure.  The one I have now is an open top and sometimes the phone falls out.  So it was a productive shop.  

Went in the back and had my first burger (second one for my dinner).  It was very good.  I bought a can of soda from the vending machine.  I think I will buy a box of that stevia drink mix packets today before work and drink that on my breaks as that won't spike my blood sugar like aspartame can.  Got to work, they had sort of fixed my big problem.  I can't help but think a big corporation like Walmart could do a little better on the issue but that's just me.  I did do my job all night that's what matters.  

My friend was talking to me about the guy who made threats.  She said she thought he had been making threats against her husband and I confirmed it.  A manager came by a little while later and my friend asked me to relate what I had heard.  I did, namely that ___ had made threats about hitting, beating up, "kicking his ass" against ___ on 3 different occasions.  She sighed and said she would take care of it.  

The problem being the guy who made threats "likes" me so he is going to feel betrayed when he finds out I told, and he's going to know it is me because I don't think he told anyone else.  So that could be awkward for me but worst case I have my stun gun so not too worried.  I don't think he is dumb enough to act out having been told making threats is NOT OK.  It is not "blowing off steam" that is what you get a blog for.  You don't go around telling co workers you are going to beat up another coworker.  I have co workers bitch to me because so and so is lazy, takes long breaks, etc.  But they never make threats so I think I did the right thing bringing this to the attention of management.  

They may call me in the back today if they do I will state the facts: on 3 different occasions he has told me he was going to hurt ___.  That is pretty much the whole story.  All I added to that last night was that the guy making threats had felt disrespected.  Not that it makes it OK.  I told my friend the story of Roy, the man who ran over my husband, how I had to work with him for 20 years after the accident, him coming by demanding Ron say he was "OK", making "jokes" about Ron being in the wheelchair, etc.  Talk about disrespect.  And that was awful for 20 years but I had to endure it if I wanted to make a living.  And I added if I could put up with that then ___ could certainly put up with whatever petty slight he had felt he endured.  You can't have a thin skin working retail it is impossible.  

We will see how that plays out today.  I have a feeling I will be in personnel today.  At least I know why.  It is always horrible to be called back to the office and not know why.  

So I got through work and kept to my macros on my eating plan.  Came home, made some hibiscus (decaf) tea and changed into my workout clothes.  I called my parents from the exercise bike and had a good conversation/workout.  My feet bother me if I do more than 20 minutes after work so I just did the 20.  It is better than 0.  We talked for a while and then I went to bed.  

I will not be getting on the bike today.  

I texted my Mom and aunt photos of my new shorts and they loved them.  Glad I got them.  

I woke up in the middle of the night and got some water, went back to bed.  Woke up with a headache so I took some aspirin in addition to my energy (about 60 mg caffeine) drink, went back to bed for a little bit.  Weight is steady at 205 very happy about that.  I want to be able to eat a cheeseburger or a donut now and then.  That is important to me.  Those are my only real indulgences and I want to be able to have them long term.  So happy this is working out.  

I read a book years ago "the Secret of Low Carb Success" written by a director of a nursing home who had seen horrible diabetic complications.  She said women will lose the most weight the first 2 weeks of their cycle and then maintain the next 2 weeks.  So I have about 10 days to keep losing if I am smart.  Then I maintain that loss for another couple weeks and start losing again.  Seems to follow with my pattern at any rate.  So this is the big window I don't want to go too crazy eating the wrong things.  

I plan to have a protein shake and a banana this morning for breakfast.  Yesterday I just had a banana and it stuck with me a surprisingly long time.  

Cats are good.  That's it for now.  

Headache is gone.

 I had a banana with my medication this morning.  Had a good shower, the wasp got in there but did not get me.  Maybe they are on the door when I open it and then fly inside?  Not sure.  

I have done my God time and done about half of what I need to get ready to go.  I hate getting dressed it is a hassle getting my support socks on my legs.  But they help a lot so not inclined to skip them.  When I get dressed I need to do up the candy.  I got some jerky for the one driver.  I can't afford to do that every day but one day, today, I can do it.  

A little concerned about 2 things which are kind of silly.  1.  That the ATM/bank be working so I can get out my "fun" money and money for rides.  2.  That the McDonald's be working as I plan to rely on it for lunch and dinner.  Sometimes I get anxiety about odd things like that.  The other day it was the traffic light to cross the busy street outside my subdivision.  

Monday it may rain I will have to see how that goes.  We did get a little rain last night, not much, but a break in the weather.  I just hope I do not have a torrential downpour when I am trying to go home on Monday as it is my "Friday" and I will want to get out of there and don't have the money to afford a ride.  

What I do on a standard week is pay for a ride Thursday night, Friday night, and Saturday morning only.  I carry money on me to pay for a ride if necessary but that comes out of my food budget.  For instance, one time severe weather blew through, gusts of wind over 40 mph and rain coming sideways, had to take a ride that day.  Another time there was an accident across the street from the subdivision and 911 responders had that entire side of the street blocked off so my bus couldn't get by.  So you never know but I don't LIKE to do that as it comes out of food/fun money.  

Ideally I will get some more candy to hand out today, and some tuna as I am a little low on tuna.  I am also rethinking my can opener and trying to decide if I want to get an electric one.  The manual one is difficult to operate at times and I would like something easier.  Maybe get a new manual for power down situations and an electric for everyday.  That I would take out of checking (still have not touched most of my tax refund).  I would also like to get some buttons so I can make a cell phone holder (one currently in progress) with a flap and a button to keep it closed, as my phone falls out if I am bending over picking things up at a low level.  It has happened a couple of times and always makes me cringe.  I had a phone holder like that years ago and it was great.  But I need buttons.  I had a whole box of buttons at one point but I got rid of it because I never used them.  I can use one now but that's it.  Maybe 2-3 if I make some more for myself.  A few more than that if I do make some cell phone holders for co workers (they would be interested they have made comments about how much they like my cell phone holder).  But I will just start with a couple.  This will necessitate wandering all over the store after I go to the bank but I hope to get there early.  I have been getting there early lately I don't mind much but today I actually have things to do.  

I am going to go get dressed.  Happily my cycle is about done that was really good timing on God's part to get the thing over with during my days off.  Monday was pretty exciting for that.  I used my Irish Spring soap and deodorant (by Speed Stick) it was very effective when I tried it on Tuesday out in the heat with groceries.  So I think it should do fine getting to and at work today.  So I am fresh but not obnoxious.  I can't do perfume when I have a headache but this is OK.  I wouldn't want any more, though.  

 So I got dressed (interesting note: I had a much easier time putting support socks on the one leg after I asked God for help vs. the first leg I tried to do on my own with pitiful results), did up the candy, brushed my teeth, brushed my hair and put it back in a pony tail, etc.  I think I will leave my hair down for a little while to let it dry I don't like pinning up wet hair because it stays wet all day.  

I found a disgusting mess in my insulated lunch bag and had to clean that out.  Yuck.  It is nice and fresh now albeit a little damp.  Candy is done up I always carry an extra or two because sometimes I meet other people who want a bag of candy, there's one woman on one of my buses asks every time.  I am not going to say no if I can help it.  

But I really do need more candy if you pray that would be a good thing to ask for on my behalf today.  Also the usual: work app to work, other ongoing issue fixed (God knows what it is), good breaks and lunches, headache to stay gone, good rides, etc.  Lots you can pray for!  I will be happy if you pick one and pray for that!  

Cats are great Cleo likes to look out the back door all day as I saw on my days off.  I need to fix my lamp so it will be on when I come home.  That's done.  I drank some electrolyte mix and made up some more.  Hopefully I will not have to deal with strange people at the bus stop today.  I don't like that right outside the subdivision it makes me uncomfortable.  Other places like the transit center is fine... I didn't like that one woman demanding I give her a bottle of water when she saw mine in my bag.  I told her "All I have is this, it's warm, and I already drank it".  But why should I have to say that?  Why didn't you bring your own bottle of water?  I can't lug around cold bottles of water for people who don't prepare.  It's impossible.  

So hopefully all that drama is done with.  The guy she was with was very abusive so hopefully she left him.  And let's hope I remember to put my phone on silent and hide it inside my shirt!  I think I will do that now.  

I do have my stun gun.  That's it for now.  

Early Thursday morning

I slept great but woke up with a headache, I had some aspartame drink mix yesterday though.  Still having water retention in one area, very tender not sure what is going on with that (whacked hormones?).  

Yesterday I put in the time off request for seeing my Dad.  I plan to bring a carryon (red backpack) with medication, a nightgown, underwear, some dresses, basic toiletries.  Then I will have the duffel bag with my other stuff, different shoes, etc.  Duffel bag will be checked I am sure it will be fine.  I can do up some candy and bring that with the backpack.  And the backpack can go under my seat.  I actually have some cute little dresses I plan to bring.  I don't usually have a chance to wear them these days.  

Dad is buying the tickets which is very sweet.  No way I could afford tickets.  

The other day I bought a box of tea with lemonade drink mix packets and drank a lot yesterday, so not really surprised at the headache today.  This took me a while to figure out as I don't get the headache immediately after consuming aspartame, it takes several hours.  But it will pass.  

I cooked up the ground turkey with my taco seasoning and it was very good.  I mixed that with some kidney beans and will top it with some cheese, I think that will make a very good meal.  Only about 75 cents a meal too.  I plan to eat at McDonald's today as it is my Monday.  I will be out of the house longer on my "short" days due to riding the bus both ways.  

And I do plan to put that $20 on my bus card I like the balance around $60 that is 100 rides for me.  I just turned my head and saw Biscuit.  He is blissed out, on his back with his back right leg in the air and his tongue sticking out, eyes slitted closed, that is one happy boy.  I fed them before I took my headache pills when I got up this morning.  But they will have a long wait for their next meal.  I might leave them a little extra when I leave today as I don't get home until after 10 PM.  I think Biscuit was under a lot of stress before Ron died.  I don't recall him doing this before this year.  

The brown girls couldn't handle life without Ron and just gave up and died... Biscuit has chosen to thrive and I am very proud of him.  I would miss him.  I accidentally rolled over on Cleo getting up, didn't hurt her, but was quickly forgiven when she found out I was feeding her.  Spotty never comes in my room but he seems to have Ron's room as his territory.  

I find myself doing the Olde English Manor thing with my house, my room, front room, laundry room, orange room, blue room (Ron's).  I think it is funny.  Basically I am house poor I have the house and that is it.  I don't have much money for luxuries (but God sends me great deals, like $1 dresses on clearance and great $3 jeans at the thrift shop 👍)  God really does take care of the details.  I have water, gas, electricity, food, clothes, cats... transportation even though it might get spendy at times.  The Bible says be content so I am.  

I can't find the red duffel so I will have to use a black one with wheels, probably a better choice anyway.  I will just have to put a distinctive tag on it so someone doesn't grab it by accident.  They have some nice hard side purple ones at work but probably all the women get those and that's not something I want.  

Weight is back down to 205 so happy about that.  That's it for now.  

 Wasps are getting in the house.  The other day one terrorized me when I was naked, blind, and helpless in the shower.  I could see enough to tell it was a wasp.  I am legally blind without my glasses, I think.  I washed it down the drain.  Another one in the house tonight.  I think they may be getting in around the cat door.  

I did half an hour on the exercise bike tonight.  Talked to my parents, Dad was really happy I had put in my time off request to go see him.  After we finished I cooked up some ground turkey I bought yesterday.  I had some taco seasoning, a big canister you just add a couple tablespoons to a pound of ground meat, it came out really well.  I got 4 containers out of that.  That will make for some good meals.  

I still need to figure out breakfast something lower carb.  I will look around at work.  Maybe ham.  I need to do some research on that skillet and maybe make some eggs.  

Cleaning up the kitchen...

I have been catching up on dishes.  I used the 3 compartment sink theory for my food containers.  Hot soapy water, rinse, soak in a bleach solution.  Let air dry.  

I was going to cook some sausage long story short I could not due to an ick factor in the fridge.  I had some turkey sausage in there, it was frozen.  When it thawed blood leaked out all over the bag including the sausage and I am not that hungry to wash old blood off my food.  I am just glad it didn't get all over the fridge.  Those Walmart bags are pretty robust, let's hear it for them.  Just the sight of the blood made me gag.  

I wanted to be a vegetarian when I was in Junior High.  Dad was very persuasive taking me to Burger King and sitting a double cheeseburger in front of me.  It was unwrapped.  Said I had to sit there 15 minutes if I didn't eat it he would never bring "It" up again.  I ate it.  I have a great weakness for double cheeseburgers.  

But that was just a little much.  I have some beans I can sub out.  Actually went with frozen cooked sausage out of the freezer.  This week I think I will eat more out of the freezer and get rid of some stuff I've had in there a while.  

I do plan to get some more tuna though.  

Now that the kitchen is clean-ish I put out the roach bait.  They won't have anything to eat but that.  I also went ahead and put a bait near the cat food.  Although over the years I've found cats like to bat the roach bait all over the house like a big hockey puck.  😂  Hopefully not in the middle of the night on a work night.  

That's it for now.  

That was nerve wracking

I paid my insurance last month but never got the forms for the policy.  Must have been a post office screwup and/or delivered to the wrong house and they threw it away, or, worse, opened it.  Or was that the problem?  Had I just spent $2K for nothing?  I was really anxious.  

I finally got up my nerve and called the company and they were very nice about it.  Yes, I still have my policy.  Yes, they would send it out again.  

I was so worried I would have to fight to prove I had paid it.  Be told "No you are lapsed" or something.  Because I just never got anything and that's a terrible thing to do to a person.  I get a neighbor's junk mail I give it back...who would not give me forms marked "Insurance policy"?  

So that was nerve wracking even though they were very nice as always.  I was a nervous wreck asking "stupid" questions but she was very kind.  

As an astute reader pointed out (re: my bank) I cannot share the name of the company as I have had problems with giving out personal information. 

But I am covered.  I have been worried about that for a few weeks now.  

Now I just need to unwind.  

Wednesday morning

 I slept OK.  Woke up a couple of times thirsty.  

I had gotten down to 205, then it went up to 207, and then right before my cycle it went up to 211.  Now it is back down to 207 so that is good although I still have some water retention.  Maybe that is the other 2 pounds?  

I will say I have a tendency to obsess over scale numbers so I only weigh one time a day.  It's my last day off for a week I am trying to get things done and have a good time all together.  

Spotty just came and used the litter box, though.  Whew that is potent.  Good thing I never eat in the morning on my day off.  I found it interesting Dad said he doesn't eat in the morning either.  I am running the dryer it's about the only time of day I feel comfortable doing that in the summer.  I just have the basic weekly clothes in there so no big deal.  

Biscuit spooked a little when I walked past.  The cats used to have a lot of trouble with that.  They would lay in front of me and Ron, confident we would avoid them.  Ron would run them over.  He'd feel terrible about it but he always ran them over.  Then the cats avoided both of us.  Gradually the cats would figure out I would not get them but Ron would.  Torbie, the treat whore, would actually run in front of Ron to get run over because he always felt bad and gave her lots of treats.  😂  She stopped when I told Ron to stop giving her treats when he ran her over.  So Biscuit reverted back to "Heather will step on me" for a brief moment.  Even though I never have, and sometimes they don't make it easy.  I sure hope the next guy is not limited on his walking or blind because the cats would have to learn it all over again.  

After I finish the laundry (mainly hanging it up when it dries) I need to sweep the floors and ideally mop them.  Clean litter boxes.  Do the kitchen, dishes, and then cook for the week.  I am still not sure what I am cooking but I will figure something out.  I have enough money left over from last week's budget I can buy Mc Donald's tomorrow at work which sounds good.  I also need to clean the bathroom but not the toilet, I already did the toilet.  And have some fun in there. Not fun in the toilet of course.  

Let's look at my budget.  Well, transportation ate up half of it; rides.  It is a paradox the more I work the less money I make as I am paying for rides to/from.  If I am working 9 hours the last thing I want to do is ride the bus 2 hours each way to/from on top of that.  Or my favorite: work until 10 PM Friday night but start at 10 AM Saturday.  It is legal for an employer to do this but it is hard on someone who rides the bus.  I wouldn't get much sleep if I rode the bus in on Saturday so I get a ride.  So, anyway, lots of rides... the ones I took the last 2 weeks and then the ones I am going to be taking the next 2 weeks.  I really try to preserve what I have saved so that means a pinch the next couple weeks.  God always helps.  

It does mean at the end of it I have $100 "fun" money to split between two weeks so that is good.  I can finally put a $20 on my bus card I have been WANTING to do that for a while.  😂  Mature people problems.  Unfortunately the Burger King is out for now they are doing construction all around it.  So I may, my next 3 days off, ride the bus the other way I know there is a Burger King that way.  It won't be much more effort than a regular trip.  

I really need to sweep the floor it is gritty and disgusting.  I think I will do that now.  That's it for now.  

I think my plan is working

 I talked to my parents tonight and told Dad I had worked out on the exercise bike after carrying home my groceries.  "I'm going to walk on the treadmill tomorrow" he responded with no prompting on my part.  EXCELLENT.  

Dad and Ron have a lot in common, you can't nag them into anything.  You have to be patient and let him figure out it is a good plan.  

I even sliced up half a cucumber and had that as my dinner appetizer.  Very pleased.  Baby steps I want to get in the vegetable with every meal habit.  Not really picky about the vegetable.  But I would like to be eating 5 servings a day.  

What kind of serving for a cucumber?  Let me look.  So it looks like I had 3 servings.  One inch slice is one serving of cucumber, apparently.  And I have some really big cucumbers.  That is good to know I love cucumber.  

Mom and Dad are doing well.  I had 3 cheese melt things for dinner.  I take a corn tortilla and put about 1/4 cup shredded cheese and melt it in the microwave for 30 seconds.  Then I fold it over and let it cool a little so it doesn't drip grease or burn my mouth.  It's very good.  Fast.  Pretty nutritious.  

I also readjusted my goals on my fitness app and am very happy with the macros for that.  I am at about 1,800 calories (goal) which has me losing a couple pounds a month.  I don't care if it is slow as long as it stays off.  

That's it for now, I am tired and going to bed.  

3 men at the bus stop

 So in spite of everything I had a good trip.  I left the house, got to the bus stop.  It was suffocatingly hot and humid, miserable sweaty weather.  

Then the "hobo" showed up.  He had a bad odor, was very dirty (clothes needed to be burned), and making aggressive advances toward me obviously with an angle to see what he could get out of me.  I had $29 😂 in my pocket.  So not a good woman to get something out of.  

Bus came he did not board praise God.  Got to the second bus stop.  Another man this one in work attire with a safety yellow shirt, very clean cut and 100% the opposite of the first guy.  I liked him (all the guys in this blog were black, by the way, if it matters).  Bus came the doors were open and stayed open as we went down the road.  

Oh-Kay.  Bus driver passed my subdivision and got about a half mile up the road, pulled up under some trees, stopped, got out her cell phone and called dispatch.  Long story short she was not allowed to drive the bus any more.  So we had to wait half an hour on the next one.  I occupied my time calling my aunt.  She is doing well.  

Next bus came and did the loop around I needed, got me to the grocery store.  I went in and had a look around.  Produce was OK but meat was very very low.  I did get some chicken hot dogs ($.67) and a frozen ground turkey chub.  I didn't buy much and only spent $21 but got enough food for the week.  I got bananas, kale, the turkey, 3 packages of the hot dogs (can do a lot with a hot dog, have eaten these and they are fine), cucumbers.  I found some nice raspberry hibiscus tea.  We sell Hibiscus tea at work but it is $4 a package.  This tea was $1.88 and I trust their store brand to be tasty.  I got 2 boxes of that.  I also got some Gatorade Zero hydration mix in cherry I like that and it helps keep me hydrated in the heat.  

I checked out he was a nice man.  I loaded my personal bags (I had an insulated tote bag because chopped kale in feels like 100 degree heat and full sun is just not happening at the bus stop, but the turkey chubs kept the kale cold).  Got that loaded up, had a nice little bottle of iced tea (58 cents) and here comes the third guy.  This one was dressed halfway between the first and second man, had a bottle of liquor he was drinking so that put up my hackles.  Told me a horrible story of how his stepson "forgot" to give his dog water while the dog was chained up against a fence in this heat for over a day and night and the dog "Drank a whole mop bucket full of water when I found out".  Horrible.  

Kept flirting with me.  Now doesn't a stepson mean you have a wife who is he mother of this child?  That's my math.  I don't poach I am very careful with married men or men in relationships.  He kept wanting to know where I lived, did I have a phone he could borrow, etc.  I was evasive and denied having a phone.  

I was wearing my phone in a pouch around my neck.  I made the pouch but it is not immediately apparently for a phone.  I guess... he didn't figure it out.  And it made me realize 2 things.  When I am out riding the bus I need to keep my phone inside my shirt, and I need to have it on silent.  I NEED TO DO THIS or some turkey is going to rob me one day, I can see this.  This is the second time this has happened.  

Once, when I was much dumber, I actually loaned my phone to a guy at the bus stop and I had to get in his face screaming, on the bus, 15 minutes later to get it back.  And some guy kept calling me and hanging up when I heard my voice, after, until I said "He tried to steal my phone and I got it back, lose this number" the next time he called, and he never called again.  So I am never doing that again.  

One neuropsych evaluation termed me as "Extremely naive and trusting" when I was 17 it is a hallmark of FAS we just think people are great.  I have to remind myself some are not.  The bus came he went to the back and I rode up to my stop.  It wasn't far.  

The bus had fantastic air conditioning it was very refreshing and I hated to get off.  It was about feels like 103 I believe if I remember correctly.  I didn't have a lot of groceries so it wasn't too heavy.  I got home OK the house felt great.  When it's in the 90's, hot and humid, a temperature of 85 when I walk in feels pretty balmy, although most people walking into my house would probably think my AC is broken.  It's not, it works fine, but I don't tax it, either.  

About halfway home I had an epiphany.  I was already dressed for exercise (modest denim shorts and a t shirt, socks and sneakers), I was already hot and sweaty.  Why not get on the exercise bike for a while?  So I did that once I put up the groceries.  Very proud of myself for that.  

Once I freshened up a little I took a nap and had a good one.  I slept a little under an hour.  I started some laundry, I added baking soda to the load because I had sweaty clothes in there and I use unscented detergent.  I hung up some clean clothes I had not done the last time I did the laundry.  

So that's it for now.  

Tuesday morning

Well I slept OK.  Woke up after about 8 hours on my own.  Checked blood sugar it is about 20 points below what has been my normal which is great.  It is usually "high normal" if it makes sense (110-120) today it was 99 which is definitely the right direction.  

I could do a lot of blogs about the uncontrolled diabetics I met on paratransit and how bad they were.  I definitely do not want that in my diet.  Once you start having that sort of damage it is very difficult to reverse.  

So that was good news.  Now let me check my blood pressure.  Took me a minute to find the meter I don't normally check it.  I bought it because people kept telling me my headaches could be due to high blood pressure.  From what I have been able to figure out they are more related to food and hormones.  It is a little awkward when my Dad asks me what I thought my trigger was, I can't exactly say "Well I started my period".  I made an oblique reference to it once and Dad was like "You're still fertile?"  😂  It would have been very funny if it hadn't been so awkward.  I never once thought to check Ron's blood pressure as it was always  better than mine, until it wasn't.  

I need to clean off my kitchen table I have everything from caffeine pills to room freshener spray.  I also have all my prescriptions.  I just happened to have them on the table the last time Ron fell and the paramedic really liked having them all lined up, he said it was very convenient and to leave them there when they finished.  So I did.  Medical Examiner liked having them too.  So I figure it is a good thing for me.  Of course I wouldn't do that if I had kids in here.  

122/73 not ideal.  But heart rate is 58 which is good.  Shows I am getting my exercise happy about that.  That is the nice thing about my life I do a lot of walking around carrying my bag.  So I am exercising every day pretty much.  

Really nice not to have the headache or the depression.  It seems like last year my big challenge was depression on my day off, I'd be OK during my work but on my days off I was a wreck.  This year seems to be sick/headache on my day off which I am hoping to end with a good diet.  I just need to figure out the diet.  

My grocery budget is pretty small I had to buy those roach baits but I am sure God will lead me to good deals.  I was looking at Nextdoor just now and it is all a bunch of begging posts from people asking for money and people giving away cats.  Never give away a cat, evil people will take them to either 1.  Torture or 2.  Use as bait animals in dog fighting ring.  Both horrible ends for the cat.  If I had to I would charge at least $100 an animal but ideally go with a rescue who would vet the adopter.  

I have no doubt Spotty could get adopted but I have my doubts about the other 2.  No one wants a cat with a medical condition (sorry Biscuit) and no one wants a fearful cat (sorry, Cleo).  But Spotty is outgoing and cute he would be OK.  But happily I do get to keep them for now.  I did feel really bad for the two tabby males whose owner just died.  

I decided to heat up some cooked, frozen, sausage for breakfast.  Breakfast is actually a big problem for me I can never figure out what I want.  One thing I plan to do at the grocery store is really look around and see what options I would work for breakfast.  I cannot continue to do my donuts that isn't going to work.  Even though they are filling....

Embarrassed to admit I have trouble frying eggs.  At some point I plan to get one of those copper skillets with a lid apparently you put a lid on the fried egg while it is cooking.  But I hear eggs are going up so it may not be feasible to have them for breakfast every day.  

I will figure it out.  I do have the packet oatmeal but that is a little too spendy for carbs and it doesn't stick around for long.  It's very good but I get hungry quick.  That kind of contradicts the point of having a filling breakfast.  Maybe lentils... I will figure it out.  Lentils always keep me full for a while.  

I get paid tomorrow so theoretically I could wait to do my shopping until then, but I budget from Wed-forward.  So the, say, $40 I have in my pocket now is today's money.  The $40 I budget for myself from my pay comes out tomorrow is next weeks' money and goes a week until next Tuesday, then that next Wednesday I get the other $40.  Works better for me than "Here's a big 😂 chunk of cash to blow in a couple of days" which I HAVE done in the past especially before my diagnosis.  Works for me.  

I am a little uncertain how much I actually get as I worked additional hours so I am going to run the budget from that.  Certain things I need to pay, "escrow" (insurance and taxes), save some towards electric bill (ideally $100), etc. but I resolved to stop stressing about my budget and only think about it once a week which is tomorrow.  So I will let you know how that goes.  I do want to put an extra $20 on my bus card it could use it, I like to keep the balance around $60 and it is about $40 last I checked.  

First I need to take a shower, do my God Time.  Go do my thing on the bus.  It is a little complicated as I take an extra step if I am going one direction on the bus, I ride the bus the other way down one stop and cross at a traffic light (better odds), wait on the bus going toward my destination.  It adds another half hour but I really don't want to cross the street just running out into traffic....very nerve wracking.  Also the cars don't have a good line of sight to me and most importantly I don't have a line of sight to them.  NOT safe I can spend the extra half hour to be safer.  This way if I get run over at least I tried to be safe.  Coming home is not a problem I get dropped literally right at the subdivision I just need to walk home.  

And all that walking carrying groceries is good for me.  I choose to view it that way.  

So that's the plan.  That's it for now.  

Edit:

Hungry (sausage did not stick around for long) and unmotivated.  I need to get going if I want to beat the heat.  I think I will have a protein shake.  

Monday afternoon

 The headache that will not quit!  Finally took some Excedrin.  I also took out the bathroom trash it was full.  Got bit by a mosquito.  

I have been reading a memoir off and on "Widowish".  It is as you would expect very depressing.  I don't know why I am choosing to read about a man's death and his family's suffering, especially as they were not saved.  Her grief is the worse for not having any eternal hope for her husband or hope of seeing him again.  

I am very glad I grilled Ron about being saved on our first date.  That has brought me a lot of comfort.  If you are a believer I can't emphasize this enough make sure he also has a strong faith.  

Ron had a faith but it was not as strong as it appeared, as evinced by his slide into the bottle as he aged.  I had to make some hard decisions and am not proud of the fact I was out buying liquor when he died; but he was costing us more money than we could afford having it delivered by someone else.  

I leapt into things with him and did not notice obvious things like his lack of respect for me sexually.  Of course he did not understand hypersexuality and bipolar disorder.  Neither did I.  But he didn't need to act on that and could have arranged things so we did not have any alone time until we were married, if it went that way.  I see this now; I did not see it then.  

So I'm not saying things were perfect long time readers know it was not.  Maybe I need to write a book, I don't know.  

I just went down a rabbit hole of old posts from 2019 looking for the gotcha day post for Spotty and Cleo, I didn't find it but did find a lot of very depressing posts dealing with Ron's alcoholism and slide into irrationality.  One time we were at a restaurant with a man who had a stroke and Ron was heckling him, it was awful.  And Ron was one to talk!  That's the last time we went to that restaurant I was too ashamed to go back.  He had been declining for a while; that is apparent now.  I thought it was the alcohol and pain pills; didn't want to hear anything else as I already had so much on my plate.  

Suffice to say I adopted the cats back in 2019 about this time I decided to feed them which as we know is tantamount to adoption.  I don't think I would ever write a book it was bad enough living it the first time.  

Biscuit is hanging out on the couch next to me looking very relaxed.  I took a nap and woke up with a returned headache.  I need to eat but nothing sounds appealing.  I don't want to eat carbs as I am trying to cut back.  

I read a book once that stated a woman loses during the first 2 weeks of her cycle, then fat loss shuts off and you have to battle to maintain the weight you have lost.  So I don't want to screw it up.  I would like to be "a loser" and not gain anything.  Maybe I will have one of my pot pies those are lower carb and minimal dishes.  

I had planned to do dishes and cleaning today but not up for it.  I don't see how my aunt raised 4 boys with the migraines she had.  But they are all normal, healthy, young men.  3 of them are married with their own kids, the fourth lives with his parents and helps them out.  Great guys, glad to be related.  She did a good job.  

On the plus side I am not spending my limited cash.  So at least I have that.  At some point I need to figure out groceries for the week.  

I took a turkey sausage out to thaw and forgot about it so I have to toss that (it was in the fridge).  I do have a regular pork sausage I need to cook, also have some link sausage I can cook as well.  Plenty of cooked roast meat + a little rice in tupperware in the freezer.  Lots of little cups everywhere.  Am I OK for meat?  I need to figure that out when I have an appetite.  I have some meat in the freezer I should probably take out and cook too.  I need to figure that out but not today.  

I also need some sort of green vegetable.  I need to figure that out too.  I want to be healthy which means eating a variety of foods.  One thing I find baffling, at my nearest grocery store the produce section is always packed tight full of carts and Latina woman shopping.  Must be really good deals/freshness on produce but makes it hard to shop when I can't even walk through the department.  

Then I need to do dishes and clean at some point but which day?  Don't know.  

Have also considered calling church and see if I can get a ride to Wednesday night service.  I think they would go for that even though I find it vexing they wouldn't give Ron and I a ride but talked a lot about giving just me a ride?  What's up with that?  If anyone needed instruction and Biblical grounding it was the alcoholic with Alzheimer's.  I won't mention that of course.  

I got a comment on one of my video blogs.  I had made a comment on a music video about losing someone, a guy followed me to my personal Youtube page (still have a few video blogs up there but nothing new since my old computer died; and Windows 7 is not compatible with my webcam).  He was surprised I was doing well, as he saw it.  

Well I'm always going to have depressions until God takes me one way or another; nothing I can do about that but try to live right and surround myself with people who support me.  But I guess I look like I'm doing alright and compared to the lady in the book I am doing great.  

Oh, I feel crappy.  At least this is not digestive like last week... 3 days off and sick 3 of them, not a fun week.  What is God trying to teach me?  I haven't figured that out.  

I wish I could at least lose some weight out of this.  

That's it for now.  

Later Monday morning

 Headache got worse and I got very nauseous, you know where you get the saliva flow in your mouth and you know you had better have access to a bucket?  I had that.  I freed up a bucket and had it ready, then laid down in bed.  Cleo joined me for a while and I petted her for a while, feral my ass.  Skittish, yes, but very affectionate on her terms.  Later Biscuit joined me.  

I nearly always sleep on my side, so he draped himself over me, purring, and presented himself for petting.  I pet him for a long time (at least half an hour) as he purred and laid on me, it was very soothing and helped the headache.  He would probably qualify as a support animal just for that.  But I will always keep him at home he hates to travel.  I fell asleep for a while and had a little nap, then woke up.  

I feel beat up and my head is still raw but nothing like it was.  So: cleaning is out today.  Going out is not going to happen either heat and sun will bring it back, and it's nothing but heat and sun out there today.  

I might do some laundry but that's it.  

I am angry I have been sick 3 out of my last days off.  It's not fair; I don't have that much time to myself.  I would have liked to do things today.  But God has a plan for me and that includes keeping me home today.  I have to respect the plan.  I am stubborn so only something like this would keep me home.  There may be a sick person out there, or a very disturbed one.  There might be a snake at the bus stop.  Any number of things.  So I will focus on that but I am angry, to be clear.  

I am just glad I am over the worst of it.  Now comes the wrung out groggy part.  This one wasn't too bad as they go and was likely hormonal.  Either that or the donuts, or quesadilla got me.  Not sure.  Never had a problem with either hormones are more likely.  

On the one hand I will be glad when I am in menopause but I hear weight gain and other health problems arise, so not real eager for that either.  And I am used to having a cycle it has been a good 35 years.  Good thing I take an iron pill that's a lot of iron!  

That's it for now.  

Very early Monday

 If I were a spiteful, worldly, person I would be cranking my music now at 3 AM and wake #6 up.  But I am not.  

So I left the house at 6:15 so I could catch my buses and get to work around 8:15-8:30.  I was quiet and it was pretty uneventful, ride up to bus stop, cross street, wait a while, catch second bus to transit center.  My "new" bus drivers like the candy and are very appreciative which makes it fun.  I got on my last bus.  There was a young man with a garbage bag followed me from the other bus demanding I "help" him "because I'm from New Orleans".  

I like the city of New Orleans just fine.  I spent tourist money there just this year, stayed in a very nice hotel and had some good meals.  I liked Bourbon street just fine and enjoyed the historic parts of the city.  But I am sick of entitled people from New Orleans showing up in Houston.  They will, it seems, NEVER forget Houston threw open it's doors for them during Katrina and took in tens of thousands of refugees.  Worse yet, they expect us to provide for all their needs.  Hello, people, the hurricane was 17 years ago.  You don't get to live on it forever.  

So the young man was "You HAVE to this, you HAVE to that..." I don't have to do anything but go to work today and I made that clear to him.  I did direct him to the proper bus and that was it.  He and his garbage bag got on without paying 'I'm from New Orleans" and sat down.  We finally got rid of him at another transit center.  We rode about 5 minutes and were flagged down at a notorious bus stop by another homeless person.  This was an older man with a walker and a very baggy pair of pants.  He got on OK clutching the pants with one hand and then hobbling along with the walker on the other.  The stench was horrific.  He took one hand off his pants while standing up and his pants fell down around his ankles, and he was not wearing underwear.  I managed to avert my eyes in time.  

Bus driver: SIT DOWN!  I could hear her gagging from the stench.  Of course he wanted to get off at my Walmart.  I couldn't help but wonder about the policy if someone like that wants to use the fitting room, because he would ruin any clothes he touched.  

I went to the bathroom and discovered I had gotten my gift.  Happily I was prepared for it so it wasn't too hard to manage.  Thinking about it I was happy about the timing.  Day one is generally never bad, day 2 is the real whopper and I have that off.  I will be about done by the time I go back to work.  That was about 6 weeks from my last one so definitely phasing out.  This year has been a bunch of 6 week cycles.  

I ate my donuts (2) and got ready for work.  There was work drama I did not need but I got it done anyway.  Headed out pretty much on time.  I went to the Taco Bell after work with my gift card.  They were hiring.  Asked me to use the kiosk to order.  Which I did.  I gave the cashier a bag of candy and her boss stole it.  I thought that was rude and sad, and a good indicator not to apply at that Taco Bell ever.  I went home.  

I take 2 buses to get home and both were uneventful.  Riding down busy streets I saw all the food service places were hiring.  The Taco Bell had been interested when I witnessed them mess up my chicken quesadilla, laughed about it, patient about them remaking it, said "I used to manage a deli with my husband".  I was wearing my Walmart uniform "Oh really?"  Nope I am not interested if your boss will steal candy from an employee that's not a place I want to work even if I were looking (did not say that).  If I were truly serious I would probably go with the McDonald's on the local bus route that would be a quick commute every day.  

I laid down for a little bit when I got home and then talked to my parents.  They are doing well, going out to dinner with my stepbrother.  We had a good talk for a while and I went to bed early.  I slept OK and woke up around 2:45 with a bad headache.  I think it is hormonal.  Had a cleanup I wasn't kidding about Day 2.  But I had prepared properly so that was OK.  Just this headache will not quit!  

I took something but I think I will go back to bed.  That's it for now.  

Cats are good, so are my aunt and her family.  

Sunday morning

Probably the worst place I ever lived was the closest to work.  It was a real dump, boarded up apartments, drug dealers, etc.  I told the landlady I had witnessed drug dealing on the property and got a lecture about snitching.  After that I kept my head down.  

We lived on the third floor.  I actually liked it even though it was a hassle bringing up the groceries (no elevator of course).  The stairs rattled when we went up or down it was challenging.  

Anyway the woman across the hall was struggling, early 20's, had 5 kids under the age of 10.  I found out later she grew up in foster care, her sister had died leaving 4 children while she was pregnant.  She didn't want the kids in the system so she took them but she had constant problems with CPS coming by and doing inspections, etc. didn't have good parenting skills, etc.  She had her baby and the other kids resented him because he was the "real" child and one of the nieces used to hit him over the head with various toys, etc.  She had taken some mandatory parenting classes but we would hear her beating the kids sometimes.  CPS was already involved.  She used to throw dirty diapers on the roof of the townhouse building next door to us, several times a day she would step out and fling that dirty diaper... they piled up on the roof.  

One night she came to me with the crying baby in the middle of the night.  She said "I've seen you with the cat, you are good people.  Here, YOU take him for a while."  So I did.  He was a cute little booger.  I had worked in the church nursery and I burped him.  He felt much better after he spit up a little.  Ron was terrified I was going to keep the baby 😂 or want one of my own.  She came back after about an hour and asked me back to her place.  She had beds all over the floor for the kids to sleep and was very stressed, that's when she told me about the other kids targeting him and that the girl had hit him over the head, again, she had been at her limit and remembered her parenting classes.  I commiserated with her but I have always wondered how they turned out.  The baby is a grown man now.  

So I am happy #6 seems to be a loving, stable, father.  I really am.  He seems to value and respect his wife from what I see as well, a good example for all.  But WHY the parties late at night when I have to get up at 3 AM?  Why couldn't he celebrate Father's Day in the middle of the day on Sunday like normal people?  Why Saturday night?  

And, yes, I know normal people have fun on Saturday night, but I work retail.  I work some really odd hours.  I go out of my way to be quiet, example, now.  I am listening to music but the volume level is 5, not 80.  I can barely hear it, much less my neighbors.  Because I want to be respectful.  

My real problem the party zone next door is right next to my bedroom wall so I am in the thick of it.  It kept getting quiet and I would go to sleep, then noisy again.  So I didn't move.  But they were going well after 11, which, again, is their right to do so I just feel a little aggrieved.  

Thank you for letting me vent.  I was reading about life in the country, apparently people just let their dogs run loose wherever and there is nothing you can do about it unless they attack you or your livestock.  And a lot of meth production out there too.  So I don't want that even if I could drive.  

I had a caffeine drink.  I have an issue with visitors in the kitchen I need to do a deep clean and get some bait.  If that doesn't work I will get a bug man out, something that is safe for cats.  The bug on the counter seemed very annoyed I had turned the light on when I went in there.  ICK ICK.  I will get it.  I will look at work for some baits even though I am embarrassed to buy that on my discount card, I will because I am cheap and 10% is 10%.  I only have $40 to get me though the week so I had better be frugal.  

I need to figure out breakfast, something that will stick around for a while because I won't eat my "before work snack" until 8-9 AM and it is only 4.  

I am going to take my shower.  Oh, I also took one of my mega B vitamins so that should help with energy too.   I also made some oatmeal and had a protein shake.  

I also did my upper lip treatment I am trying to do that once a week.  I think it's just a fact of life for women in their 40's.  I don't think it will be as much of an issue as I get older even though there was a notorious customer on Metrolift.  All Ron had to do was say "The woman with the mustache" and they would say her name.  And she was at least 70.  But maybe she is taking estrogen and that feeds it, I don't know.  

I had better get dressed.   All done now.  Ready to go.  

Here's to hoping it was a good day.  By the way Biscuit came back covered in gray stuff again I think he might be getting into BBQ's.  That's it for now.  

Saturday, "The Bite"

I had a hard time getting up this morning until Biscuit, in great frustration, grabbed my foot in his front paws and gently bit it!  😂😂  I got up and rewarded this bad behavior by feeding him.  

I used up the last of the bag of cat food (I have more) which means they go through about 3.5 pounds a week which is good to know.  I really didn't know.  

I checked my schedule and was SHOCKED to find I got the 4th off.  I've only been there a year, I know more valued employees with seniority wanted it - but I got it.  I did not advertise that.  I also got the 5th and 6th.  That will be nice if I make the budget work.  A coworker is moving and I told her I'd help, and told her my days off.  If she moves on one of my days off I am happy to help, she is a very kind woman.  

Stern boss was there and prodding me but it was OK.  I got through the day and she even made sure I left on time.  Of course the app had logged me out so instead of my quick "punch" I had to go to Personnel and log out on their computer.  I couldn't figure out what had happened just that the app was not working, I had to restart my phone and then attempt to open the app, which kicked me to the log in screen (did that at home).  I am logged in again for now.  That was probably the worst thing that happened today.  

I headed out to the bus it was very hot but the bus shelter has a shade so I was OK.  No "friends" which was nice, but the woman who feeds them all will be there tomorrow so they will be too.  I just wear my work vest at the bus stop it avoids assumptions.  

The drivers were delighted with their candy which was cute.  I am glad I do this.  One driver got off the bus and gave the candy to his relief driver.  It took me 2 hours but I got home.  Tomorrow is going to be a long day as I take the bus each way and work 5 hours in the middle.  And that's the thing the car people don't get.  I am not 10 minutes from work, I am 2 hours.  You could go to Lufkin in that amount of time (halfway to Dallas).  

The nice thing going to work happens in the early morning so I won't get roasted, hot and sweaty.  The cats are good that is nice.  I will take some Valerian root tonight to make sure I get some sleep.  

I am drinking a lot of homemade and commercial electrolyte mixes to stay hydrated.  I have to be very careful with heat and my medications.  

That's it for now.  

Friday afternoon

My headache is gone but I still feel run down and crappy.  I am having a very hard time not feeling sorry for myself.  But I will be fine tomorrow.  I am focusing on that.  

[big yawn]  I did get a pretty good nap.  I am listening to some classic rock right now.  Not very loud I would never want to be "that" neighbor and the houses are pretty close together.  #2 is maybe 20 feet from me and they work odd hours.  Nothing I hate more than listening to someone else's music when I am trying to sleep so I would not knowingly do that.  

If I remarry I really want a "boring" guy who is happy running a few errands with me, eating some fast food, and coming home and hanging out on the couch.  I don't need the life of the party.  Just someone who loves me and the cats.  But we will see.  I am also OK living on my own even though I do wonder what will happen to me as I age.  No guarantees a spouse would stick around, though.  I have seen that in the caregiver group.  And, to be honest, and I really up for all that (waves hand) again?  Not right now.  

Whoever I marry he is going to take care of himself.  Doesn't have to be the perfect weight or diet but overall take care of himself, be smart about diet and exercise in the day to day.  Just like I am trying to do.  

I will need to eat tonight but not feeling hungry, not sure what I will eat.  

 I'm thinking maybe some canned pasta.  I bought a lot when Ron was alive and I need to eat it before it goes bad.  

Got the pasta on board with a cheese stick.  Biscuit was very excited about the cheese stick.  He likes cheddar so I make sure to get that kind.  I let him have a few licks before I eat it.  Probably gross but I don't care.  I used to let Frosty lick my ice cream before I ate it.  😂

That's it for now.