Wednesday morning

 I slept OK last night except for waking up thirsty.  I got some cold water out of the fridge (I just refill a bottle of Powerade again and again, they have good bottles) and went back to sleep.  I had a dream I was on a train with Ron but then he vanished and I woke up.  

When I feel sorry for myself that he has died I remind myself he was suffering, a lot.  His mind was going, his body was gone, he was in ongoing severe chronic pain.  Life was awful for him, so it's a blessing God took him.  

But life is scarier without him.  Whatever you want to say I did lose the emotional support and companionship; I lost my job; I lost financial security.  God did give me the house and a job I can do but it's still a lot on my plate.  I can do it with God but I still try to carry it on my own.  And I would really rather go back to my blissful days of Ron running around mowing the yard and going to work by himself, steady money coming in, the social security check depositing every month, Bubba running around.  But God has taken me out of that comfort zone in part to reach out to bus drivers.  And as far as I can see there is no one witnessing to the bus drivers.  Especially on my routes.  They aren't the worst routes in the system but they are hard routes for the drivers.  And everyone seems to want to get away from them when it's time to bid on a new route.  

At the end of it I want to be doing what God has for me even if it means all my peace and security go up in flames.  Speaking of flames I have not got the insurance paperwork but the website says I have an active policy.  I will give it to next week and then call and ask for some "paper" I can put on the fridge if I have a disaster.  

This weekend shouldn't be too hard; I work tomorrow, Friday off, Saturday and Sunday 5 hours each, and then 3 days off.  I have $40 to get me through (well there are a few singles in there) I will be fine, have plenty of food.  From what I recall last year Father's Day wasn't too bad.  

I am fairly depressed today not sure what I am doing today.  I need to do my God time, would like to work out on the bike, do some kettlebells, and take a shower.  Figure out tomorrow's lunch I have plenty of stuff in the freezer I just have to pick something.  Hard to do when depressed.  

Like I've said I have this unreasonable fear I will pick the wrong food to eat and end up hungry.  Or in the case of Monday, sick.  I will pray about it; good news it is only 7 hours.  

I find it funny I get the holy grail (Friday night) off now and then and I am alone and celibate.  I don't want to go out to the club; I don't want to have a fling.  I don't want a relationship right now except with Jesus.  And He doesn't care what day I get off as long as I hang with Him when I can.  It is funny.  I will do my best to have a good time with it.  

I am thinking to save the bulk of my cash and save it for next week.  But I might buy a donut on Saturday morning.  I can always bring a bottle of tea I make up, for caffeine if I want.  I'm not going to stress on that.  

I am going to go gear up to do my God time at least.  That's it for now.