Faith post vent

Feel free to skip if you don't love the Lord I won't take it personally.  

A little backstory, grew up in a house where faith, religious attendance was important.  Went to a VBS at the Baptists (I was raised Presbyterian) and got saved around age 8-10.  In church (my church) I was given a very nice presentation Bible when I turned 8 and had a lot of fun reading that.  

Teen years were pretty rough with depression and family stuff I did backslide some but still loved God, just couldn't understand His plan and why it meant so much pain for me.  But I kept plugging along.  

I met Ron and he said he had to be with a woman of faith because it would never work otherwise, I managed to find my way back to a point of trusting God again but I did a lot of backslidden things with Ron for the next 11 years.  But I always believed God loved me even if I didn't pray or read my Bible much.  I used to worry my sin would send me to hell even though I knew I was saved, and God forgives sin, but this was ongoing sin so that bothered me a lot.  I even picked up some extra Bible translations because I really had an appetite for the Word at times.  

Then Ron got hurt.  I immediately threw myself on God.   My proudest moment in my life, one of them, was the fact that I was able to immediately tell God I wanted His will for Ron and not mine.  If He wanted Ron to live I would do whatever I could for him; if He wanted to take Ron I would accept that as there is a lot Ron would not want to survive anyway.  So I felt like I was in God's will for that.  God showed me He wanted Ron to live so I went with that "He's going to live, what can I do to help?"  

His family did not understand this and were planning his funeral up to weeks after the accident.  I just tried to learn what I could.  

When Ron was back to himself I did tell him I could not stay with him if we were not married as I had many (!!) problems as a result of that and I wasn't going through that again.  Also all his friends were telling him he'd be an idiot to let me go, how bad he had been after the accident, and how he should marry me.  Ron wasn't stupid he knew he would end up in a facility if he did not marry me either.  

Now years before God had told me Ron would DEMAND to marry me and I didn't believe it, but he did.  So we did and finally on the right path no more ongoing sin issue (except gossip and feeling sorry for myself).  My faith walk continued but Ron was very angry at God.  

Ron had died in the accident and gone up to Heaven for about 10 minutes, then had to come back.  He was very upset he was sent back and made it very clear that was never, ever, to happen again and if he EVER died again I was to let him go (remembered all this the day he died and one reason I had no problem stopping the life saving efforts).  He became pretty bitter about that.  

If I mentioned my faith, God, etc. he would go off and shout at me and God.  God help me if he found out I was doing my prayer or Bible study, that really upset him.  I couldn't mention prayer.  I could barely mention the Bible Handouts and only after I put them in the context of "Maybe we will get raptured after someone takes a Bible on a Handout", after that he went with me on many handouts just "get Him to hurry up and take us".  He was also worried I would be killed on a Handout and at least wanted to go with me if it happened (I did go to some bad areas).  He would talk about what happened to him and how he wanted to go back; he would talk a lot about the mark of the beast warning people not to take it (right hand or the forehead, just say no).  

But it was awful he was always shouting at me when I mentioned my faith in God.  He drove me to secrecy, I would get up early and do my faith walk stuff before he got up so I wouldn't have to deal with the fallout.  I couldn't mention the Bible.  I couldn't mention prayer.  I couldn't go to him and ask for prayer when I was having a Bad day.  I just had to handle my whole faith walk on my own.  It was really sad.  

One reason I am not looking to date again I don't want to deal with that again.  I loved Ron a lot, still do, but that was not Biblical what he did.  I am still finding my way back to a healthy faith walk out of that.  

That is all.