Monday afternoon

 The headache that will not quit!  Finally took some Excedrin.  I also took out the bathroom trash it was full.  Got bit by a mosquito.  

I have been reading a memoir off and on "Widowish".  It is as you would expect very depressing.  I don't know why I am choosing to read about a man's death and his family's suffering, especially as they were not saved.  Her grief is the worse for not having any eternal hope for her husband or hope of seeing him again.  

I am very glad I grilled Ron about being saved on our first date.  That has brought me a lot of comfort.  If you are a believer I can't emphasize this enough make sure he also has a strong faith.  

Ron had a faith but it was not as strong as it appeared, as evinced by his slide into the bottle as he aged.  I had to make some hard decisions and am not proud of the fact I was out buying liquor when he died; but he was costing us more money than we could afford having it delivered by someone else.  

I leapt into things with him and did not notice obvious things like his lack of respect for me sexually.  Of course he did not understand hypersexuality and bipolar disorder.  Neither did I.  But he didn't need to act on that and could have arranged things so we did not have any alone time until we were married, if it went that way.  I see this now; I did not see it then.  

So I'm not saying things were perfect long time readers know it was not.  Maybe I need to write a book, I don't know.  

I just went down a rabbit hole of old posts from 2019 looking for the gotcha day post for Spotty and Cleo, I didn't find it but did find a lot of very depressing posts dealing with Ron's alcoholism and slide into irrationality.  One time we were at a restaurant with a man who had a stroke and Ron was heckling him, it was awful.  And Ron was one to talk!  That's the last time we went to that restaurant I was too ashamed to go back.  He had been declining for a while; that is apparent now.  I thought it was the alcohol and pain pills; didn't want to hear anything else as I already had so much on my plate.  

Suffice to say I adopted the cats back in 2019 about this time I decided to feed them which as we know is tantamount to adoption.  I don't think I would ever write a book it was bad enough living it the first time.  

Biscuit is hanging out on the couch next to me looking very relaxed.  I took a nap and woke up with a returned headache.  I need to eat but nothing sounds appealing.  I don't want to eat carbs as I am trying to cut back.  

I read a book once that stated a woman loses during the first 2 weeks of her cycle, then fat loss shuts off and you have to battle to maintain the weight you have lost.  So I don't want to screw it up.  I would like to be "a loser" and not gain anything.  Maybe I will have one of my pot pies those are lower carb and minimal dishes.  

I had planned to do dishes and cleaning today but not up for it.  I don't see how my aunt raised 4 boys with the migraines she had.  But they are all normal, healthy, young men.  3 of them are married with their own kids, the fourth lives with his parents and helps them out.  Great guys, glad to be related.  She did a good job.  

On the plus side I am not spending my limited cash.  So at least I have that.  At some point I need to figure out groceries for the week.  

I took a turkey sausage out to thaw and forgot about it so I have to toss that (it was in the fridge).  I do have a regular pork sausage I need to cook, also have some link sausage I can cook as well.  Plenty of cooked roast meat + a little rice in tupperware in the freezer.  Lots of little cups everywhere.  Am I OK for meat?  I need to figure that out when I have an appetite.  I have some meat in the freezer I should probably take out and cook too.  I need to figure that out but not today.  

I also need some sort of green vegetable.  I need to figure that out too.  I want to be healthy which means eating a variety of foods.  One thing I find baffling, at my nearest grocery store the produce section is always packed tight full of carts and Latina woman shopping.  Must be really good deals/freshness on produce but makes it hard to shop when I can't even walk through the department.  

Then I need to do dishes and clean at some point but which day?  Don't know.  

Have also considered calling church and see if I can get a ride to Wednesday night service.  I think they would go for that even though I find it vexing they wouldn't give Ron and I a ride but talked a lot about giving just me a ride?  What's up with that?  If anyone needed instruction and Biblical grounding it was the alcoholic with Alzheimer's.  I won't mention that of course.  

I got a comment on one of my video blogs.  I had made a comment on a music video about losing someone, a guy followed me to my personal Youtube page (still have a few video blogs up there but nothing new since my old computer died; and Windows 7 is not compatible with my webcam).  He was surprised I was doing well, as he saw it.  

Well I'm always going to have depressions until God takes me one way or another; nothing I can do about that but try to live right and surround myself with people who support me.  But I guess I look like I'm doing alright and compared to the lady in the book I am doing great.  

Oh, I feel crappy.  At least this is not digestive like last week... 3 days off and sick 3 of them, not a fun week.  What is God trying to teach me?  I haven't figured that out.  

I wish I could at least lose some weight out of this.  

That's it for now.