Some thoughts

I woke up early, with a migraine. 

Years ago I invested a lot of time and trouble knitting an afghan, Ron loved it and wanted it for himself.  I gave it to him, then I took it back when 1.  He wasn't taking care of it and 2.  He was being a creep. 

Recently he was very cold and pitiful so I gave it back to him. 

The floor next to his bed is very bad, the carpet will need to be pulled up and the room get new flooring.  He knows this.  This morning I found the afghan on the bad flooring, I was pretty upset and picked it up.

I took it to the laundry room, am in the process of washing it (with laundry sanitizer) and will NOT be giving it back to him.  He can't respect my work.  I will get him something cheap from Walmart. 

Anyway, the migraine headed off about the time I read the comments.  And I realized something. 

No one believed me. 

As a kid, "things are really bad at home"

"No they aren't, you are just an ungrateful little bitch with a spite on for your step mother".  (far from it, I desperately wanted her approval up until I moved out). 

She used to have long, manicured, nails.  She painted them a mauve color.  She used to grab my upper arm and dig the nails into my flesh, when she was angry.  If I tried to pull away she would dig in.  One time I actually looked at my upper arms and found some scars from it.  Everyone acted like that was OK.  She never did it in public. 

When I was in my late teens I was put into a school program for emotionally disturbed kids.  One day after she did the claw thing with my arm I wore a sleeveless top to school (back before most had a dress code).  I went in with my arm all clawed up, they went ballistic and called her.  I don't know what she told them but they never mentioned it again. 

When confronted with clear evidence of abuse, they did nothing.  

And my stepmother took all my short sleeved and sleeveless tops, and got rid of them, then did it again to my arm before the first one had even healed up. 

Don't ask for help, Heather.

Then I get with Ron, everyone is always confirming everything he does as OK and acceptable.  I remember one night he threw me out in the street before my birthday because I am messy.  That, to him, was worth making me homeless.  He screamed at me, threw me out, I had a very bad night. 

I am ashamed to admit he made me beg to come back.  One of my worst moments. 

Anyway, I went to work bitching about this and how cruel he was "Why did he do it?" I told them "Oh, he was totally justified, then". 

Because I was MESSY? 

When he beat me up in 2007, same thing.  He was having a blackout and broke a lava lamp.  Big pieces of broken glass everywhere.  He thought the toilet was in my room and decided he would urinate in the corner.  I kept him out of my room because I did not want him walking on the broken glass in his bare feet. 

He responded by assaulting me, punching me and mainly biting me all over my arms and legs until I told him the police were coming.  I had huge, horrific, bruises all over each arm and leg.  I wish I had filed charges. 

I ended up staying with my aunt and uncle for a week.  Ron promised he wouldn't drink Everclear any more and I thought he would be OK. 

I wish I had run like hell. 

Anyway, I was gone from home, and the business, for a week.  It was still warm out and I was wearing short sleeves, you could see the bruises all over my arms. 

I went back.  Mainly because no one offered another option.  And went back to work, bruises and all. 

One postal worker "Why are the machines empty?"  I explained I had some problems at home and had to leave for a while.  "Well, that's no excuse".  I showed him the bruises "What did you do to piss him off?" 

And that was the big question everyone had when I got beat up "What had I done to piss him off" because sometimes a good beating is necessary, I guess. 

This is the culture I am coming from, that no one gives a shit if I am beat up mentally or verbally.  That if abuse is happening I have it coming and must have offended him in some way.  That there is  EVER an excuse for abuse.  That everyone does this...That Ron is a "real man" for getting blackout drunk, passing out on the floor, and forcing me to work a double (real experience).  It's toxic. 

No one ever sat me down and told me this was unacceptable.  So it's a shock when I do hear it. 

I have to readjust what I think is acceptable and that may take a while.