It has taken a toll

You know, I was thinking about domestic violence.  One of my boards has a thread going about it. 

A guy says he was wrongfully charged.  I don't know, I wasn't there, but it got me thinking about red flags. 

This all happened when Ron and I were dating. 

He told me he didn't miss his ex because she used to "go off on him for no reason and attack him physically.  She was a small woman so he would hurt her, defending himself." 

And I trotted back home and told the responsible figure in my life about this, and she agreed with Ron.   So I'm thinking this is normal.  That sometimes a man has to physically injure a woman "sometimes" "when she "had it coming", to "defend" himself".  I was also assured I would never get hurt, by this adult, because I wasn't a drinker and I wouldn't be stupid. 

My Dad never laid hands on his wife, ever.  So this was all new to me. 

Then later on Ron tells me the ex before the last was "really stupid" and he used to hit her for "doing dumb things" but someone talked him out of it and said "A real man doesn't hit a woman".  And he had learned his lesson and would never do that again.  He also mentioned at one point she tried to kill him, twice.  And the last ex's new lover tried to throw him off a roof after hearing how Ron treated her.  How Ron had a blackout and woke up alone, and was told he had a violent blackout and viciously beaten his ex... when she left, she got a restraining order...but he called AA and they said it was "just a fugue state and it happens". 

I went back home and related all this... still getting very loud green lights and checkered flags... go ahead Heather, he's a good bet.  I didn't hide any of this. 

For a long time I blamed myself because these are all MASSIVE red flags to domestic violence, physical and verbal abuse, etc.  The whole "What did she do? [to "deserve" being beat]" 

Why would anyone throw me at this man, especially people who claimed to love me?  My Dad didn't know about the violence issues (I never told him and I'm sure she didn't), so I don't blame him.  He thought spending time with Ron would keep me from killing myself, that was the root of it all, I did do better when he was around.  Back then. 

But why would she do it?  I can only go back to the expression on her face when she found out Ron was fixed... profound relief.  Here was an adult ready to pluck me out of her house, where all the experts said I would live for the rest of my days.  Even better, he was fixed so there wouldn't be any illegitimate grandbabies.  If she could just get me to 18, out of her house and into his...

So she greenlighted everything I told her, and looking back I told her more than enough.  Physical abuse.  Binge drinking-blackouts, verbal abuse, cheating - I went to her crying one day because I found out Ron was on a hookup chat line "In case things don't work out" he said.  I was crushed and wanted to dump him like a litter box.  She talked me out of it, said all men were like that.  

I guess that is why my Dad has never cheated in 40 years, because is like that.  But she basically told me Ron was as good as I deserved and I should be happy with that. 

Before I left she made me swear I would never ask for money.  I didn't want it. 

The cab came early, the day I moved out.  She helped me load my things.  But as far as Dad is concerned this all happened when she was at Bible study one day, she was completely oblivious Ron and I were still seeing each other, etc. 

I was very angry about it for a very long time.  But now I am just so relieved I never had a daughter to get taught all this (waves hand).  Because it was wrong. 

But people see what they want to see, that is what friends and family are for, to help you see with clear eyes when you are in the glow of meeting a wonderful new person.  I didn't have that. 

I have made my choices and I am committed to seeing this through to the end, but I am tired.  It has taken a toll. 

When Pete came out to visit for the first time in some years he remarked on the gray in my hair.  Most of it is still brown but I have some gray streaks at the front/top. 

I am just amazed I am not bald.