It is entirely my fault Ron has a drinking problem, he says

I am a little annoyed at Ron.  We pay cash for our deliveries and one time he did not go to the bank, paid for the soda which was a few hundred dollars, in $5.   The driver freaked out and could not calculate how many $5's made $100, etc.  I suggested he count them into groups of $100, he did that and finally went on his way.

Oh, that was infuriating... but I will get to it.  Anyway, I told Ron "anyone", especially a driver of a commercial vehicle, should be able to calculate "5,10, 15, 20" etc. when we are paying.  He did not want to pay in all $5's this time, only about $80, if necessary.

He said I "had" to change it for $20's and I said I didn't have any money.  He asked in a nasty and presumptious way I found very offensive.  And while in his room I noticed a desk fan, on the floor, literally covered in all the blood from last week.  I did wonder where all the blood went.  I told him I was getting rid of it, and I did.

Earlier, #6 had one of his little cronies come by, no parking of course at #6 so the butthead PULLED INTO AND PARKED IN MY DRIVEWAY with his headlights shining in my kitchen window.  I was furious.  They could tell someone was home.  I don't wear much when I'm inside the house so I had to scramble for clothes, by the time I was decent the coward had run off.  Good thing, too.

So I marched out there in my ugly yellow bathrobe and threw the fan away.  I kid you not, the thing was covered in bloody fingerprints, it looks like a prop from a horror movie.  I should have taken a photo.

I came back.  Ron wanted to talk.  He said it was "not my fault" but I was "so [aggravating] I literally drove him to drink".  he explained, kindly, it was entirely my fault he had a drinking problem, that it all stemmed from living with me.

NO I DID NOT SLAP HIM.  TEMPTED, though.

I said he would drink regardless of me, he had chosen it to be first in his life and had made that very clear the last 10 years or so: nothing came before alcohol.  I was calm about it, though.

He feeds on bad energy and gets some sick reward if I get upset.  I don't know if it is a narcissist thing or some other pathology.  He agreed, said alcohol was first in his life and he would drink regardless, also agreed that alcohol was more important than anything (one) in his life.

It was not a surprise but I am pretty pissed now.  He told me I could not get another job, even if I did, he explained, I wouldn't keep it a month.  I am CERTAIN he would do EVERYTHING he could to END it.  I told him I would NOT go out and get another job while he sat at home and drank all day.  He then replied if I had ever been capable of living on my own he would graciously consent to step out of the picture.

He has a script in his head that says everyone leaves him and he ends up in a nursing home.  He is desperately trying to make that happen, but he wants it to be me booting him out.

Now, many years ago when I was on better terms with God I prayed about Ron and our marriage, how he treats me like crap...

Ron mentioned that, said one girlfriend of his had tried to kill him twice and he couldn't understand why.  I said he belittled, was demeaning, and "extremely verbally abusive".  I said it made people angry when you told them they were nothing and tried to break them down.  He agreed he did that.  I added he had not broken me because I had my faith.  [although he is always attacking that too]

Anyway, back to me and God... so I prayed about it and I guess you would say meditated.  I had a very strong leading, not what I wanted either.  It was a section from Corinthians.  Paul says if a woman is married to an unbeliever she should stay with him, but if he left she was free.  But if he wanted to stay married to her she ought to stay.

I didn't want to hear that, I wanted to hear "run like hell, Heather".  But I prayed about it repeatedly and kept getting led to that.  SO if Ron leaves I will not fight it or even try to get him back.  If he is gone he is gone and I did my best to make him understand it.  He can go run off to a nursing home but there will not be any taking him back when he changes his mind.  When it's done, it's done.

I'm done.  I don't think he is.  He is threatening to "throw me out in the street" because he "isn't going to pay the mortgage next month".  He doesn't realize it is a little different owning a home.  If you miss a payment they do not come out and padlock your door the next day.  And it is an AUTOPAY anyway, he can't stop it unless I fill out a form.  But he is irrational and wants to have all the power.

He said I HAD to "prove I was worth keeping around".  I let him rant for a while and then said, in a moderate tone of voice "Why don't you make a list?"

He had to take off his headphones.  "What?"

"Make a list" I said "Of all the things I do."  And then I stopped talking.  The last time I did this he was FAR more able bodied and he got up to 37 items before he realized he had better start counting his blessings.  I can only imagine how many things I do for him now.  About the only thing I don't do is wipe his butt.

And this after I was nice to him earlier and brought him chicken.  I didn't have to stand in line and pay my own money, lug the damned chicken all over.  But I did it.  I didn't want anything in return but I sure expect not to be "hosed".

Edit: so he asked me to take him back to his room.  I wasn't really thinking about it but I did it.  I asked if he needed help getting into bed "I don't know". 

Long story short, he needed a lot of help, which I gave without an attitude.  After he was in bed I said "Remember when you asked what I do?  This is ONE example" and walked out.  Then he started raving about how living with him is "a free ride" for anyone lucky enough to snag it.  I didn't react. 

I should have said 2 examples, one taking him to his room and the other helping him physically.  UGH.