I got some energy, swept and mopped the floors. Ron woke up. He asked me the time.
He has been doing that a lot lately, asking me the time. I asked him if he wanted a talking watch he said no, he had his cell phone. But he keeps asking me. Normally I am only mildly annoyed.
Then he started up about how he owed someone money. They had given him money and he hadn't been able to pay them back. I said that was not true, no one had given us money, the last time he "didn't pay someone back" was about 1994, it was $300, and the woman used him as full-time slave labor moving boxes every weekend for a YEAR before she called it "paid". He got very annoyed and said that wasn't it, he owed someone money.
I said no he did not. "They loaned me money and I couldn't pay them back". I can only assume this was 40-50 some years ago as that never happened during my tenure. And, to be honest, anyone who gives Ron money has got to know they are never getting it back.
In fact, while we were dating he was in the process of paying a woman who had sued him because she "loaned" him $1,000 "for the business" but "I couldn't pay her back". They were having sex at the time (I guess it must have been good for her as she did ante up). He has "borrowed" all our savings to buy inventory, then when he gets cash, like he did today, he turns around and puts over $100 into liquor but never a thought to putting it back into savings.
As a result I have my own private savings he doesn't know about.
In short: Ron pays no one back. No, correction, he did borrow money for property tax back in 2012 and made monthly payments until it was paid back. So he paid one person back (interestingly enough, it was a man).
I didn't say anything along those lines but I did say "You have not recently borrowed money, no one is expecting you to pay them back". He got very agitated, yes, he owed someone money. What was their name? Then began babbling various names.
I said it again "You don't owe anyone money" he shouted at me it was a "Sacred debt" and yes, he did owe them. I have no idea who he is talking about but this is probably a good 35+ years ago.
This reminds me of the time he talked to a former lover on the phone and promised her $1,000 (out of our savings) to pay her back property tax. Being a wise woman she said they would talk again after he had discussed it with me, he sobered up, I told him of the conversation, and he never called her again.
He is sitting up in bed on his computer, looking at his phone book.
15 comments:
Sounds like his dementia is acting up. Tell him to give you the money to pay the debt and put it in savings.
I thought you were getting him evaluated
I need to get him evaluated.
You will never get him evaluated
I have been busy! We are coming up on our busy season.
Your busy season is irrelevant and your response about how busy you have been is disgusting. You have not been too busy to simply put the cats in the garage and call 911 to have your confused, disoriented husband transported to the emergency room for evaluation and referrals for proper follow up care.
Let's be honest--if one of your cats was acting disoriented and confused, you would whisk it off to the vet while posting breathless updates to your blog. But your husband's symptoms can wait?
Excuses, excuses, excuses. You can make the appointment. I doubt they will see him right away anyway. And busy season? Please. You work maybe 2 times a week now if that. Not to mention last time you used the busy season two years ago as an excuse to stay with Ron and then you were going to leave him in the New Year.
I think you both are forgetting something important. HE HAS A HEAD INJURY. Disorientation is pretty common after an injury like his, it has simply come back. Much of it is probably also attributed to the alcohol use. Let's be clear, he is drinking nearly TWENTY SHOTS A DAY. That is going to f*ck up your brain and make anyone confused.
One time, a friend of ours, who is also an alcoholic, tried to drive to our house. He was so drunk he got lost and couldn't follow basic directions. We finally told him to turn off the car (he was in a parking lot) and go to sleep. That is what alcohol does to a person. Thank God he did not plow into a soccer mom.
Ron is combative and abusive. It is virtually impossible to get him to work, much less a medical office. He has to want it. If he ever sobered up and was like this I might be more concerned, but he spends his days literally saturated.
I do NOT want to invest a lot of time, money, and energy just to get Ron in the office and he says he only drinks one shot a day. To be told he is just a drunk. I would be EXTREMELY pissed. I doubt he would change, either.
I remember once, years ago, I was on a Christian message board. A woman posted her husband was beating her, verbally and physically abusive. People told her to leave and she said, direct quote "I don't want to leave my nice house". I thought that was a terrible reason to stay. So did everyone else.
A man sent her a private message, much like the man who showed up at my house telling me I "couldn't" blog about Ron, this guy convinced her it was "a sin" to discuss the abuse. So she left.
But consider this, you have probably been around an adult who was very drunk. They were: disoriented, unsteady, uncooperative, reckless, combative, etc. They likely kept falling. You worried about them getting hurt or starting a fight. They could not reason. And that is my day to day, every minute of it save work.
I don't deal with it for just a couple of hours. It is very nearly every minute of every day of the year. I just had to pour him into bed and then adjust him so he wouldn't fall. I had to feed him. I have no idea how I am going to give him his antibiotic in a couple of hours.
So you are welcome to judge, throw rocks and say I am negligent. That is your right. But you have not walked in my shoes.
I am not eager to take Ron to a specialist, assuming I can get him to bathe first, just to be told he is a drunk. That would really flip my lid.
At least this way I can look at him with some compassion.
So dont say you are going to take him to a neurologist if you have no intention of doing it. Cut his vodka with water. He will never know the differnce.
20 shots of vodka every single day is insane. Plus opiods and kratom. I am surprised he is not a drooling vegetable every day. Don't waste your money on a neurologist he is a lost cause and not worth it. And he knows enough to lie about his alcohol consumption to doctors and you stand there and let him do it.
It's really sad. I already know cause of death and he isn't even dead yet.
He is going to drink until he falls out of his wheelchair, as often as he can. Cutting with water will not help that.
The last time we went to a doctor I did tell the truth about his drinking, Ron disagreed with me, the doctor looked back and forth, found me more plausible. I imagine that will continue.
Call it judging or throwing rocks if you wish. I worked with people who had head injuries and other disabilities for well over 20 years. Some also had substance abuse issues. Many had other medical issues including strokes.
A noticeable change in cognitive abilities in someone who has had a stroke or who has had a head injury should be treated as an emergency. Ron has had both. He has also had issues with blood clots. Until he is evaluated, no one knows what is causing his new issues. Disorientation does not simply come back years after a head injury. Something is happening and you are not qualified to determine what that is, nor should you expect yourself to. His medical history is incredibly complicated.
It is not compassionate to ignore obvious signs of deterioration because you would be "EXTREMELY pissed" to find out that he is "just a drunk." Don't you want to know what is going on?
I am very concerned for Ron. He needs evaluation. I do not believe he is capable of deciding whether or not to go. As I have said over and over, call 911 the next time he is incoherent and have him taken to the emergency room. Tell them everything-- increasing confusion, disorientation, erratic and argumentative behavior, possibly delusions (the debt story), unable to do things he used to do, expressing feelings of hopelessness, increased accidents that cause injuries, refusal to get treatment for injuries, alcohol abuse to blackouts, refusal of basic hygiene assistance, etc.
It is a very sad situation and I will pray for both you and Ron.
I’m so confused. First you say you are going to get him in to see a doctor. Then you say you are too busy. Then you say he doesn’t have any issue that it’s all from the drinking. Basically it seems you never planned to get him in in the first place.
You initially spoke of his issues as if it seemed to be more than just from the alcohol as of late, and you were concerned. You were then sure he had a stroke, and thought he may have dementia on top of the alcoholism effects. Was this a lie or did you forget what you posted?
It scares me when he gets confused, scares me more if I think he hasn't been drinking. BUT that is pretty constant when he is at home.
I don't know what is wrong with him. I am concluding, right now, a lot of it stems from heavy alcohol use. Like I just wrote, I don't know.
I will get him to the doctor but do I think it is a 911? No. It is very likely due to the alcohol abuse. Even if it is not how can it improve with heavy alcohol abuse? He will just go on the permanent record as having a drinking problem.
Will he stop drinking? If he did, I would be utterly shocked. I honestly don't see the point of taking him to the doctor for confusion issues if he isn't going to do anything to fix them. Any more than I saw a point in taking him to the hematologist when he wasn't following the treatment plan (prescription vitamins and shots).
The point of going is for you as the caregiver - helps you to know exactly what’s wrong with him whether or not he wants to treat. Gives you peace of mind. I think you should consider it FOR YOU.
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