I am hard on myself, especially as regards caregiving. I think I have to do it all. I don't.
I was feeling bad because I'm tired and worn out today. That is very reasonable considering my day and I need to go easy on myself.
It is OK to clean the litter box, but not the tile floor by the food bowl, at least not yet. It is OK to sit and watch TV for a while instead.
Unfortunately at this point Ron can't be left very long but I do what I can to relax. I am pretty much caught up on chores so there's that. I have been moderate in my caffeine usage this afternoon so I should sleep OK.
I fed the cats, I got the litter boxes. I will top off litter in a minute and then wash my hands yet again.
I was thinking about that, by the way. My hands are starting to look old. I don't have age spots but the skin just got thin and wrinkly overnight. At least to my eyes, it is apparent. But Mama Cat doesn't care about that, as long as those hands clean her box and fill her bowl (not in that order), pet her, and love her kittens.
The cats inform a lot of decisions. I think that is one reason Ron was so happy to add 3 more to the family, he knows it would be nearly impossible for me to leave with 6 cats, and God knows I can't leave them with him.
And the job situation. Of all the problems I foresaw going to work for Ron (and I saw many that did come to pass) I didn't think about how hard it would be to leave if I was working for him. If I had my own job it would have been a lot easier to go and I probably would have back in '11 when the drinking was really, really, bad.
Between the two I am pretty well over a barrel, especially when you add in the "How could you leave such a pathetic cripple?!" aspect of it. And he's clever, he knows to be charming in the beginning so I am sure he would fool "them" for a while. But eventually the real Ron would come out.
The irony of course is that a nursing home will not allow him to drink. He will have to dry out and actually become the man I married, but the minute he had access to alcohol the verbal abuse would start up again, the sleep deprivation, the ugly hateful attitude.
If I stay he unfortunately has access to that - not from me. If I go he would be forced to dry out, eventually at least. They would probably try to set him up with a caregiver to start.
But right now I am just going to think about today and tomorrow. What am I eating for dinner tonight? I have lots of food. I could eat anything. What might I do for dinner? I honestly don't know. I want something I know is good so that eliminates the breakfast burritos, I haven't tried them yet.
I am inclined towards a cup of noodles and a protein shake but that sounds like vile, depression, food.
35 comments:
You are "over a barrel" today, but if you don't start making plans for the future, you'll be "over a barrel" next year and the year after that. I know it's not pleasant to get outside your comfort zone but how pleasant was today? I'm your cheer leader here, not trying to criticize you. Even a dog, if kicked enough, bites.
There is a website called Indeed. You can start uploading a resume. What you do TODAY will impact your tomorrow. ((hugs)) Like I tell my daughter, every application you put in gives you hope. Do you have hope for change? Things will change, but only that he gets worse. That's a guarantee, then what?
He even took your joy of going out to eat away from you. I remember your stories about restaurants, it got you out of the house. Anyone would get depressed sitting home in this situation and you have to protect your mental health because no one else will. You might make an appt. with your psychiatrist and tell him how things are REALLY going in your life. Being prone to depression and being abused, I'm actually worried for you. You can only block out so much. I work in a university and we offer low cost $10.00 per session, counseling to the general public. To have a real human being to talk to, someone on your side and not a blog just venting your feelings would be so good for you. I bet if you called your local university, you could find a low cost clinic too. In fact I think we have sent interns to Houston. You can take a cab, you don't have to sit there and take it.
It's possible, if you started taking care of yourself for a change, Ron might have more respect for you. Unlikely, but it'll get him to thinking at least and it would give you the strength you need to get on with your life after he drinks himself to death.
I may look into a counseling option because this could be a greek tragedy one day.
I will need to work up a couple of resumes and talk to references. No one wants to talk to the husband and I wouldn't trust Ron to give a good reference anyway. A caregiver resume, a retail one, food service... one thing I do have some marketable skills.
Most of today was pretty awesome, 4 am up until about 2. I try to focus on that. And I have been called MUCH worse than a wall! LOL
Another reason you should have a normal job—sleep schedule and consistency is huge for managing bipolar. You’d feel better. Probably less headaches too.
As I’ve said before with leaving, you take the marriage seriously, he never did. To me that makes it a void contract.
I got my new mouth guard (for grinding teeth) and have hopes that will help with the headaches. I seem to be OK with various sleep hours as long as I am getting 8 of them, ideally with a nap in there too.
I just don't know how much of it is brain damage and how much is him being an asshole. If I had a clearer image that might inform decisions.
Didn’t he treat you badly before the accident?
Ron has been an asshole from the start. Gas lighting you. Cheating on you. The drinking. The brain injury may have magnified his behavior. But you even said you moved to tx in the hope he wouldn't come with you but he did. You have posted many times about how he manipulated you. The time he wouldn't let you back in the apartment because you wouldn't do what he wanted in bed. Abusers can have good and bad traits. It is what keeps the abused from leaving for a long time and sometimes never.
Before the Brian damage he was like this, cheating, abuse, etc.
He refuses to help himself, clean himself, or be nice.
You seem the saddest you’ve been in years.
He doesn’t hold up his end of being a husband.
LEAVE!
Did he treat me badly before the accident? Short version, yes, emotional, verbal, abuse. Cheating. I thought that was all behind us after the accident when I had "proven" I was worthy to be loved.
Then less than a year later he was choking me screaming "If you think I'm a monster I'll show you one". He hadn't liked my tone of voice. I told him it was JAIL for him if he ever did that again.
I'm so glad you're considering counseling. You're worth it. And as far as references, I don't think a general labor job much cares for references and these days they look more at your criminal record. You could probably get into a manufacturing job easily.
One foot in front of the other. Every day make a change for HEATHER'S future. You will be so glad you did instead of waiting for tragedy to strike you, because the train is coming...I can see the headlight and hear the whistle.
I would never tell a married person to leave a marriage, because that's not right to get in the middle. YOU have to decide what is too much.
I do think, though if you had a way out, another source of income, you'd put him in a nursing home and visit, but then go home to a peaceful life.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life. It costs nothing to call a counselor. ((Hugs))
I would guess stress is causing you to grind your teeth and a counselor can help you see the whole picture. They also tend to know all of the available resources in the community. Take the first step, I'm here to cheer you on.
"I just don't know how much of it is brain damage and how much is him being an asshole. If I had a clearer image that might inform decisions."
"Did he treat me badly before the accident? Short version, yes, emotional, verbal, abuse. Cheating. I thought that was all behind us after the accident when I had "proven" I was worthy to be loved."
So basically you answered your own question. Yes he did treat you badly before the accident. Nothing has changed. If he could he would probably cheat on you now too but since he can't get it up anymore that is out of the equation.
Don't fall into the trap that you can't leave him home alone. It's a trap. If he falls, he falls and he can also call 911. Let him pay his own consequences, they are not yours. It's just a trap to keep you paralyzed from living your best life.
Time to put a plan in place for yourself, Heather. Past time. Status quo is not going to last and is so beyond healthy for you and your sweet kitties.
Ok then you know the answer to this, then :“ I just don't know how much of it is brain damage and how much is him being an asshole”
It’s not from the brain damage.
If you think you have to prove you are "worthy" to be loved then you are wrong. This man is a low life piece of shit...He cares nothing for you and never has and you are only enabling this behavior and mindset by obeying this alcoholic broke down man. You owe him nothing...As long as you are with this excuse of a real man, you will always be as you are now. You owe it to yourself to do better, be better, have better and only you can do this....Honestly, this man doesn't care about you,your state of being, health, happiness, nothing. You shouldn't have to live like this at all. You have shown yourself that you can do for yourself. Be well and do for you.
I have value outside of my relationships... that took a while to learn because I never really felt anyone would take a bullet for me. I thought for sure (fairy tale poisoning) I just had to prove I was worthy and the love and respect would follow. NOT QUITE how it turned out! One reason I do blog is to show my mistakes so others don't make them.
I might get him one of those life alert pendants, he doesn't always have his phone but he could push that. I would feel better leaving him alone if he had that. Which is why they are in business, to make people feel better and get money for it.
My mother in law was on the floor last week, she pushed her life alert. It does work.
Let Ron pay his own consequences already. If he wants to sit there bleeding or in his own urine, that's his "choice". You can choose life.
Get him the life alert and leave the house. He'll accuse you of not caring, be prepared for that but the fact that you get the life alert is because you DO care. Don't fall for it.
And Heather can GET A LIFE :)
There are Life Alert watch bands and pendants. You can have them call whoever you want. My mother in law had Life Alert call my sister in law and another family member. They can also call 911.
"I do think, though if you had a way out, another source of income, you'd put him in a nursing home and visit, but then go home to a peaceful life. " NO she wouldn't I asked her if she won the lottery would she leave him and she said no.
It all goes to his behavior. If he is decent I will go through a lot. If he is lashing out not so much.
90% sure I will get the life alert. I need to talk to him and make sure he will wear it. Even if it is only when I leave the house.
The point is that the phone needs to be turned on for you to contact him not for him. You sure have a lot of money to waste on a drunk. Is he paying for it or are you?
Life alert is 50 - 60 a month. You do realize that the point of it is to call if you need help. I wonder how long he will wear the thing when drunk. Cheaper for him to use the cell phone to call. Why not get something where you add a pouch that is secured onto the side of the wheelchair that the cell phone can be put in? This way it is always on his wheel chair where he spends most of his time and you know where it is.
You are going to pay $50 a month for something he will wear once a week if that. It is not covered by insurance. Please make him pay for it. Less money to vodka that way. Though he will probably cut your pay to cover the cost.
I thought it was $10? That is insane. I will do some research and talk to Ron.
If it meant you didn't have to sit and be abused, it's priceless.
Life alert for Ron is a bad idea. He’s going to keep accidentally pressing it. Or purposely. My pill addicted grandmother did it. It wasn’t fun. I don’t remember how but an ambulance actually showed up once.
Well I still need to talk to him.
Well since ron makes ALL the decisions I guess what he says goes.
When Ron has done things for me without asking generally I have not liked them, I resented it, wasted money. I don't want that.
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