Tuesday, November 19, 2019

It is entirely my fault Ron has a drinking problem, he says

I am a little annoyed at Ron.  We pay cash for our deliveries and one time he did not go to the bank, paid for the soda which was a few hundred dollars, in $5.   The driver freaked out and could not calculate how many $5's made $100, etc.  I suggested he count them into groups of $100, he did that and finally went on his way.

Oh, that was infuriating... but I will get to it.  Anyway, I told Ron "anyone", especially a driver of a commercial vehicle, should be able to calculate "5,10, 15, 20" etc. when we are paying.  He did not want to pay in all $5's this time, only about $80, if necessary.

He said I "had" to change it for $20's and I said I didn't have any money.  He asked in a nasty and presumptious way I found very offensive.  And while in his room I noticed a desk fan, on the floor, literally covered in all the blood from last week.  I did wonder where all the blood went.  I told him I was getting rid of it, and I did.

Earlier, #6 had one of his little cronies come by, no parking of course at #6 so the butthead PULLED INTO AND PARKED IN MY DRIVEWAY with his headlights shining in my kitchen window.  I was furious.  They could tell someone was home.  I don't wear much when I'm inside the house so I had to scramble for clothes, by the time I was decent the coward had run off.  Good thing, too.

So I marched out there in my ugly yellow bathrobe and threw the fan away.  I kid you not, the thing was covered in bloody fingerprints, it looks like a prop from a horror movie.  I should have taken a photo.

I came back.  Ron wanted to talk.  He said it was "not my fault" but I was "so [aggravating] I literally drove him to drink".  he explained, kindly, it was entirely my fault he had a drinking problem, that it all stemmed from living with me.

NO I DID NOT SLAP HIM.  TEMPTED, though.

I said he would drink regardless of me, he had chosen it to be first in his life and had made that very clear the last 10 years or so: nothing came before alcohol.  I was calm about it, though.

He feeds on bad energy and gets some sick reward if I get upset.  I don't know if it is a narcissist thing or some other pathology.  He agreed, said alcohol was first in his life and he would drink regardless, also agreed that alcohol was more important than anything (one) in his life.

It was not a surprise but I am pretty pissed now.  He told me I could not get another job, even if I did, he explained, I wouldn't keep it a month.  I am CERTAIN he would do EVERYTHING he could to END it.  I told him I would NOT go out and get another job while he sat at home and drank all day.  He then replied if I had ever been capable of living on my own he would graciously consent to step out of the picture.

He has a script in his head that says everyone leaves him and he ends up in a nursing home.  He is desperately trying to make that happen, but he wants it to be me booting him out.

Now, many years ago when I was on better terms with God I prayed about Ron and our marriage, how he treats me like crap...

Ron mentioned that, said one girlfriend of his had tried to kill him twice and he couldn't understand why.  I said he belittled, was demeaning, and "extremely verbally abusive".  I said it made people angry when you told them they were nothing and tried to break them down.  He agreed he did that.  I added he had not broken me because I had my faith.  [although he is always attacking that too]

Anyway, back to me and God... so I prayed about it and I guess you would say meditated.  I had a very strong leading, not what I wanted either.  It was a section from Corinthians.  Paul says if a woman is married to an unbeliever she should stay with him, but if he left she was free.  But if he wanted to stay married to her she ought to stay.

I didn't want to hear that, I wanted to hear "run like hell, Heather".  But I prayed about it repeatedly and kept getting led to that.  SO if Ron leaves I will not fight it or even try to get him back.  If he is gone he is gone and I did my best to make him understand it.  He can go run off to a nursing home but there will not be any taking him back when he changes his mind.  When it's done, it's done.

I'm done.  I don't think he is.  He is threatening to "throw me out in the street" because he "isn't going to pay the mortgage next month".  He doesn't realize it is a little different owning a home.  If you miss a payment they do not come out and padlock your door the next day.  And it is an AUTOPAY anyway, he can't stop it unless I fill out a form.  But he is irrational and wants to have all the power.

He said I HAD to "prove I was worth keeping around".  I let him rant for a while and then said, in a moderate tone of voice "Why don't you make a list?"

He had to take off his headphones.  "What?"

"Make a list" I said "Of all the things I do."  And then I stopped talking.  The last time I did this he was FAR more able bodied and he got up to 37 items before he realized he had better start counting his blessings.  I can only imagine how many things I do for him now.  About the only thing I don't do is wipe his butt.

And this after I was nice to him earlier and brought him chicken.  I didn't have to stand in line and pay my own money, lug the damned chicken all over.  But I did it.  I didn't want anything in return but I sure expect not to be "hosed".

Edit: so he asked me to take him back to his room.  I wasn't really thinking about it but I did it.  I asked if he needed help getting into bed "I don't know". 

Long story short, he needed a lot of help, which I gave without an attitude.  After he was in bed I said "Remember when you asked what I do?  This is ONE example" and walked out.  Then he started raving about how living with him is "a free ride" for anyone lucky enough to snag it.  I didn't react. 

I should have said 2 examples, one taking him to his room and the other helping him physically.  UGH. 

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wow he really is a bastard. Threatening the place you live and the cats. What a sicko. I can see why god wants you to stay. My prayer for you is in 2020 he goes into a nursing home.

Anonymous said...


Now, many years ago when I was on better terms with God I prayed about Ron and our marriage, how he treats me like crap...”

As a Christian this isn’t fair. God tests us. He gives us challenges. But it is YOUR choice to be a martyr to Ron. You can leave a man who doesn’t care about you at any time.

Stop blaming God. Stop blaming the cats not having a place or a job.

Look in the mirror heather.

It’s a farce by now. You are better than this.

You don’t have a husband. He’s never followed a single part of the marriage vow.

It’s sad you don’t take control.

Anonymous said...

Also, (I left last comment) I have bipolar and had an abusive husband... I know how hard it is. You can do this.

If you leave it’s hard but YOU CAN.

In five years you will wonder why you didn’t even earlier. But as of now you are throwing your life away for a piece of garbage.

Anonymous said...

You're a better person than me. I don't tolerate ANY disrespect and funny thing, people don't distrspect me unless they want a war.
You taking care of ther business, traveling to waffle house, taking care of HIM, proves you are capable of living on your own while he lays in bed, a shell of a man. He is dancing with the devil, you should repair your relationship with God. You need God, you DON'T NEED RON.

Anonymous said...

I remember a Heather who wrote amazing posts and stories. Broken was a joy to read. I remember a Heather who did fun and interesting things: art projects, gardening, handouts, etc.

I remember a Heather who fought and fought and was funny and optimistic and wonderful.

I want to see that Heather again. But I won’t until you leave.

It’s hard.

It’s very hard.

He doesn’t love you. At all.

Your headaches, your tiredness, brain fog, it’s brought on more by this horrible man who doesn’t deserve you. Your youth was hard—he helped “rescue” you in your eyes, but don’t waste your whole life on him.

He would be this way probably even without the accident. He was already terrible to you and drinking.

He doesn’t help himself, his attitude stinks, his body stinks, and again HE DOESN’T LOVE YOU.

You can find places that will take the cats. You can get a better job you would love.

Crisis centers help abused women like you (you are abused).

You need to leave. He’s gone. He won’t be helped.

I thought the surgery on his back was going to bring Ron back. Nope. He drank more and ignored rehab.

He isn’t that old. Late fifties. You have, maybe, 3 decades more of this.

You need help and a new life. What you have now is sad. Don’t throw your life away on a man who doesn’t even care if you live or die or enjoy a SECOND of your life.

Also please don’t post in three days how he fed a cat a treat so he’s a good man. Even the worst people have moments of goodness. He’s terrible. Pure scum.

You aren’t though. You’ve had it rough with your family and him. But you can triumph. I’m praying and hoping for you.

Anonymous said...

The day he doesn't make the mortgage payment, or provide the funds for the autopay, would be the day I line up his next "apartment" at the nursing home and I would continue paying my mortgage and file for divorce.
The Bible says, a man who will not work, AKA IMO, "provide" for his family should NOT EAT. It doesn't make excuses if he's blind or an alcoholic.
2 Thessalonians 3:9-11 New International Version (NIV)
9 We did this, not because we do not have the right to such help, but in order to offer ourselves as a model for you to imitate. 10 For even when we were with you, we gave you this rule: “The one who is unwilling to work shall not eat.”

Anonymous said...

I’m praying for you that you wake up and abandon the excuses, find and MAKE a way for you to leave (whether that is you leaving or him leaving to the nursing home. Either way you without Ron). with your six cats because you can, and despite the buckets you put us all in, we will ALL be cheering you on when you do. We are all on Team Heather despite what you think. Please do it.

Heather Knits said...

He's mid 60's. We have a 20 year age difference.

He isn't going to do any of what he threatened because he is a blowhard when angry. But if he does go I am not going to fight it.

He told me this morning he will keep me around because I tend the cats. This, after I helped him dress, medicine, breakfast, etc. Then we went to work and all I did was serve his business for hours. He can't even get out of the house by himself. [rolleyes]

But he is done for a while.

Anonymous said...

What about him “retiring” since he’s old enough to start collecting social security and just end the business once and for all? You could finally work for a normal boss and make normal wages and even get employer paid benefits. He can go into the nursing home.

Heather Knits said...

To the public records comment, there are a couple dozen men with Ron's name, including one with the same middle initial. Mine is in his 60's.

There is only one other woman with my name, she is a Vicodin addict and posts about it on message boards under MY full name. It will likely ruin my chances for employment. One reason I went full court press with the bipolar tag on my name. If you are going to drag me down I can do the same.

"I'm the crazy one, not the drug addict".

Heather Knits said...

Edit to public records comment, yup, that is me, and the flipper before us (16 years ago, she lived there). They got his age wrong, though.

And since you know my address I will expect a care package. The cats love silvervine cat toys, the herb gets them delightfully wiggly.

Anonymous said...

Omfg. So now you can’t get a job because there’s another Heather B out there with a bad online rep?? You are 100% wrong on this. It’s just another excuse. Sigh.

I feel like you kept the three additional cats that YES you could have surrendered to a no kill sanctuary (they exist) or rescue (they exist) as an additiknal excuse to be able to stay with Ron. “I can’t leave! I have six cats!”

Heather Knits said...

I'm not saying she killed my chances but she sure didn't help them. As it is I will be explaining to the employer I am bipolar (I would want to know, as an employer), I can simply add I am not a drug addict, either.

The vet was VERY clear there was nowhere for Mama Cat and she would be put down. The kittens were feral and unsocialized. No one wanted any of that. Cleo still won't let me pick her up, even with the hamburgers. Spotty is finally at a good point socially but almost a year old now. Both kittens were very uncomfortable with touching back in August and had dim prospects. At best,they would have done a TNR and dumped them at some warehouse. And Mama Cat, so devoted and loving, would have been separated from her babies and likely put down. I couldn't allow that, that is my heart getting in the way of logic again.

There are apartments in Houston that do "pet rent" of $25 each pet, per month, plus a non refundable deposit. That's what I would have done.

And really thinking about it I think I would boot Ron and stay in the house because he can't live here without me anyway.

Anonymous said...

Heather, I don't understand why you allow blantantly cruel posts from anonymous trolls... they just say things to tear you down. You shouldn't give them power. Just my opinion.