I made a terrible threat

As you know, I woke up with a horrible migraine.  Nothing quite like heaving over a bucket and just managing to keep it down... pain with every movement.  I was quiet, I just told him which has an implied request for him to be quiet. 

I laid down with the most wonderful cat ever, Biscuit.  He laid on me purring and ministering to me in his way.  I know I am not supposed to have favorites...but he is my Golden Kitty, so expensive at times but worth every penny. 

I got up, got on the computer.  Got off the computer due to glare.  Finally starting to feel a little human and Ron starts up with the moaning and groaning, his back.  He has such dramatics it is hard for me to take him seriously, especially as I witnessed him moving around just fine.  I offered him some Kratom (last time he went through this it took a couple handfuls of kratom to get him to a good place), he took a minimal amount and went after the pain pills. 

I am not sure how many he took, he wouldn't tell me.  I saw him take 4.  I kept telling him there is a limit on how much he could take, if he wanted "extra" I could get him some Kratom but he kept refusing. 

Now if he overdoses that will be another notch in the Kratom-haters belt - "He died after taking Kratom!"  And this is how it goes, how it has probably gone in EVERY instance. 

But I will get off my soap box.  He wanted the new bottle of pills, the one I just got him days ago.  I told him I wouldn't help him take more - and I hope things like this do count for me when he does kill himself.  He rolled over easily and began rummaging in his dresser.  If I tried that during my migraine I would vomit or pass out from the pain.  So, again, I have to doubt  him. 

I finally snapped and asked him if he was trying to kill himself.  He was splitting his attention between his cat, Baby Girl, and finding the pills.  He snapped back at me. 

"If you do kill yourself" I told him as he petted Baby Girl "I'm giving her to the shelter.   They will put her in a cage all by herself with the dogs".  Ron was stricken and kept telling her how much he loved her, as he put the bottle away. 

Ron used that one on me years ago, said he would have Frosty (white cat) put down if I killed myself.  Ron would be more upset if I gave her to the shelter. 

So I did get him to stop with the pill popping.  He says his back is feeling better.  I told him I would check in him "to see if you are still breathing".  He laughed.  I think the danger period would be up until around 4..  I don't think he overdosed but I believe he took the maximum.  I saw him take 4 pills I know of and the daily limit is about twice that.  But I will never tell him that. 

I think sometimes he does want to kill himself, that the damage was just too severe for him to ever recover.  If he does the guy who ran over him had better not come to the funeral.  And I am not doing an obituary because it is no one's business but mine. 

And my headache came back, to some degree.  Just proves the fact stress can do that. 

Now I need to get my shit together - probably a good time to check on him.  Still breathing, Baby Girl with him. It is still pretty early so I think I will check in on him every 15 minutes or so - and I know someone out there is saying "Just let him die".  Legally I can't do that and morally either. 

This must be how a junkie's loved ones feel, wondering if they are going to find them dead with a needle in their arm.  That would be great if he could use our vacation from work to get his shit together. 

Anyway, getting sensitive to smells again.  I don't need this! 

I think I will watch some TV for a while and then clean the floor.  Pick up - I got all the wrappers from Ron's room, the floor is disgusting but I did get the trash. 

I am guessing this puts Ron out for going to church tomorrow, I will put him in his wheelchair in the house, not in his room, which is ick - so he can talk to my parents tomorrow, put him back in bed, and then go do things with them. 

They want to take me to church.  I am fine with that but it is the pastor who thinks I don't need mental illness medication.  I will make sure to note if he says something tomorrow - my BIRTHDAY - about it. 

It is sunny out so looks to be nice weather for their visit when they land sometime today.  My aunt is taking care of them, she is a very good hostess.  She had a lot of people over for my wedding and made it look effortless.  5 guests plus herself and her husband.  Plus my sister and her 2 kids staying in the hotel - oh, if only I had known.

So many things I'd have run from!