"I don't want an old man"

  I am really tired and want to go to bed now.  

But I need to eat and take my pills.  I have made it a goal, short term, to have at least one protein shake every day in addition to taking all my medication and supplements.  I just had my protein shake, which is filling but not able to handle the lithium.  So I need to wait for a while.  
I got a lot done today I ran some errands, talked to Ron's boss.  She said I can keep running the business for now (forgive me if I am repeating myself).  It is unclear if the other vendor will absorb Ron's location or whether they are going to put it up for bid and some random blind person gets it.  
I will ask the secretary of the program to take me off the email list before they put it up for bid.  I don't want to read the announcement.  But nothing is happening this week except an inventory run and some stocking.  
I think it will be good for me to do some work.  I did tell our boss, and the other vendor, I am casting my vote for them getting it.  My opinion is worth absolutely nothing but they should know.  
And Ron was right.  One of his childhood friends was a big fan of mine always telling Ron how wonderful I was, he was "lucky" etc.  Ron told me if he died first that guy would be after me and he is.  I am telling everyone I am taking at least 5 years off before I do any dating, and I mean it.  I will have to make it clear to this guy.  BUT he knew a lot of Ron's childhood/teenage blind friends and I thought they deserved to know he was gone.  I have called virtually everyone but one person.  
My grandmother was widowed about my age, and when asked why she didn't date she said she didn't want an old man.  It was one thing to grow old with a husband, another entirely to marry an old man.  I agree.  And Ron's friend is at least his age.  
That was really distressing.  Everyone had the same reaction: shock, oh how awful, this is so depressing.  RON ISN'T HURTING ANYMORE that is A GOOD THING.  But apparently I am the only one to get this.  Of course very few know what I was doing at the end, how much dignity Ron had lost, how helpless he had become in his bed.  No one is happy for him they all think this is the worst.  
It is not.  He is in a new body.  To quote another Bible verse: absent from the body, home with the Lord.  
2 Corinthians Chapter 5: For we know that if our earthly [a]house, this tent, is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. 2 For in this we groan, earnestly desiring to be clothed with our [b]habitation which is from heaven, 3 if indeed, having been clothed, we shall not be found naked. 4 For we who are in this tent groan, being burdened, not because we want to be unclothed, but further clothed, that mortality may be swallowed up by life. 5 Now He who has prepared us for this very thing is God, who also has given us the Spirit as [c]a guarantee.
6 So we are always confident, knowing that while we are at home in the body we are absent from the Lord. 7 For we walk by faith, not by sight. 8 We are confident, yes, well pleased rather to be absent from the body and to be present with the Lord.
I CAN'T see that as a bad thing.  He suffered so much.  I am glad he is not hurting any more.  I am going to miss him terribly.  I am sorry for myself I will miss him and this changes my life dramatically.  Perhaps for the worse.  It sucks to be me.  But I am happy he is in a perfect new body and pain free.  
Don't ever be wrong about that.  But anyway everyone had the traditional view death = bad.  It was very disheartening but I shouldn't have another day like this.  
Ron used to call death "graduation" and get so angry everyone saw it as a bad thing, he said he was so happy when he died back in 2003 and it was the best thing ever for him, he wanted to go back so much.  But if you saw the video you understand his views on suicide and how he could never end himself.  

But I don't think what happened to him is bad; for him.  It is very bad for me in some ways but God will give me the grace to deal.  This really is the worst thing that's happened to me but everyone has been really nice.  

Sorry about the bad formatting Blogger always freaks when I do a cut and paste from Bible Gateway.  Happily I have some pizza for dinner.  I am hoping I get a decent night of sleep but I did have to take some Excedrin earlier so that may impact me.  The headache is mostly gone, though.  

Tomorrow should keep me occupied for a while.  That's it for now.