Early Sunday

 My husband is dead.  

I realize that every morning as I wake up and that is without a doubt the worst part of my day.  It's awful.  

I can get through the rest of the day OK and even sleep alright most nights - getting enough sleep to charge my battery - but that moment is just the worst.  

My Dad is coming out next month just bought the tickets last night.  I know enough that he'll save a lot of money planning in advance, so I gave him the OK for the middle of April.  I am glad I cleaned up the house so there won't be much to do to prepare for them (they will stay at my aunt's house).  

I am glad I got rid of 99% of Ron's stuff.  I did keep a couple of digital recorders, some flash drives with his music, a couple of blankets, and his wedding ring.  And of course all the photos.  That's all I need.  

I don't want to be like those hoarders with a house full of stuff belonging to their deceased loved one.  I don't need that to remember him.  

Someone threw up on the couch.  I have a towel down for times like this, also if Ron had a problem sitting on the couch, etc.  Once something gets into the couch it is finished.  So I always have a towel (also unpredictable cycles for me).  So I just scraped the puke off the towel and threw it, and another towel I keep on my chair, in the wash.  The orange towels bleed so I can only wash them with another orange towel.  And I have to have 2 for balance on that spin cycle.  

That always used to freak Ron out, if the washer got unbalanced and was making that thumping noise he would scream.  It happened a lot with those washable bed pads one reason I had no problem donating them.  Also I have good bladder control.  😉

Not sorry I donated as much as I did.  Ron liked a plain pocket t in neutral colors, I had a lot in medium and large.  My aunt and uncle kept some for my uncle I don't mind I wanted them to be used.  Everything else got donated to Christian ministries, like my home care stuff.  I don't miss the ramp at all it was so loud when I walked on it, I'm sure #6 hated it.  

The cats are good and ate breakfast.  It is good for me to have them to care for, and to love on me.  I can see why people move there are so many memories and I expect him right around the corner.  That's one thing that surprised me, several people asked if I was moving and I said no.  I mean it.  

Ron used to say 😂 "I'm going to die in this house! (I'll never move)"  And damned if he didn't.  He would have been thrilled he died at home, and quick.  He always hated hospitals and those beeping machines.  He had a DNR and he meant it.  

I am glad I stopped the revival efforts when I did.  He would not have wanted that.  I gave him over half an hour to come back but when he didn't I felt peace about stopping it.  And I knew pretty much looking at him he was dead - from that first moment.  I went to "Oh no" and trying to rouse him, to calling 911 and trying CPR myself (I was trained).  But I could tell looking at him he was starting to get lividity (think that is the term) and his lips were white.  I had never seen him with white lips not even when he was in ICU.  So I knew.  He did look very peaceful, arms at his sides.  But completely unexpected.  

I always thought there would be a final illness, hospital, time to say goodbye but there was not.  I am glad I took his last call he was very jovial and happy.  That's how I want to remember him.  

Plan today is to sweep and mop the house.  That should take a while.  I am going to take my shower after because I tend to sweat a little when doing vigorous house work.  I do need to shave my legs when I do.  We are getting into the warm season and I need to stay on top of that especially job hunting.  

I don't want to look like I am depressed.  Sad, yes, but not suicidal.  

At some point I need to get some interview clothes as all I have are denims and tshirts.  Maybe later this week.  I have been this clothing size for about 10 years so feel OK buying clothes for it.  

That's it for now.