Sunday Afternoon

 I was getting angry thinking about the man who ran over Ron and how he will probably try to "apologize" now.  How I would savage him verbally.  I knew I could work myself into a state so I decided to focus on the Go Fund Me instead and read all the nice messages left with the donations.  That was very calming.  Even more calming I went down the list of donors and sent everyone a thank you note.  That calmed me down.  So they helped me twice, once with money and once with the messages and thank yous.  

My parents always taught me to be gracious when accepting a gift; to send a prompt thank you note, so I am glad I did that.  I want to be civil and mature in this.  

Ron always said I was a Mama Bear protecting him, most of the time he liked it but he did find it irksome on a few occasions.  He would be embarrassed if I went off on the guy who hit him.  Much as he deserves a good tongue lashing.  So I will endeavor to be civil if I see him.  I am also praying about it.  

I'm not going to lie though, if he asks I will tell him Ron was in agonizing daily pain the last couple years.  I won't lie.  He can just live with the fact he did that it is the truth.  

It was very odd I found Ron's CPR card, we did the class 3 years ago.  I think I did a good job of it.  I knew where to put my hands and how to do it.  It is really exhausting to do CPR though.  But it can have very good survival rates, 45% isn't bad at all.  

But Ron had been dead for a while I think, based on his coloring.  I thought about taking a picture after the paramedics left but then I thought how much I HATED seeing the dead body photos in the caregiver group, I think they had to make a rule banning them, they were morbid and grisly and Ron would not want that.  They never show the dead body on TV with white lips, for instance, but he did.  And he had very dark lips naturally it was one aspect of his mixed heritage, he had the "African" lips and features even though he had light skin.  

The worst part of that was the horrible flopping arm smacking into me as I did the compressions.  That was pretty awful.  All pretty good clues he was dead even before the "squad" came.  The real thing that did it for me they put EKG leads on him after about a half hour and it was a flatline tone.  I knew that meant he was gone, that's pretty much when I told them to stop.  

I have gotten my appetite back but literally no taste for anything.  I was eating turkey sandwiches for a while but am sick of those.  I am starting to the see the "bring food" part of the death tradition now.  I need to eat but I heated up some fried chicken I had frozen (Ron liked it OK like that) and it was so awful I just threw it out.  I don't want to waste food, need to eat, especially for medication.  Am lactose intolerant... I will figure something out.  

I did get rid of the peanut butter it gives me a migraine.  My aunt can run me to Walmart tomorrow.  I just need to figure out food I will eat like maybe those precooked hamburgers you heat up in the microwave.  I am going to get rid of some of the food Ron liked, in the freezer.  

I am basically purging Ron out of my life very few things of his left.  On a more positive note I did a load of clothes, put them away, laid out clothes for tomorrow.  

I checked the trip planner on the bus line.  That is pretty cool: I input starting address, finish address, when I want to get there and it tells me what to do.  I can get to work in about an hour on the bus if I leave in the morning, that is really good to know if the other vendor offers me a job.  It also saves me $25 ride to work.  Sorry, Jack.  

I am supposed 😂 to get paid tomorrow; I will see if anything is left after buying inventory.  My aunt is going to pick me up at work and run a few errands - which is HUGE for me LESS things to worry about, less trips to arrange/pay for, etc.  God love her she is earning a crown and Ron would be so thrilled she is taking care of me.  

She strikes the right balance between helping out and meddling.  And I don't care if she reads this it is all true; just the RIGHT amount of help.  Which takes some of my load.  

Anyway that's it for now.