Saturday morning

 I went to bed pretty early last night, about 8 PM.  Ron's nephew never made it his youngest is sick.  Poor guy has lost 2 uncles, dad, and wife in the last 7 months.  Makes Ron look like nothing.  

I assume I will hear from him (and get photos) when his boy is better I am not putting the screws.  

I fell asleep Ok but not a great quality of sleep and I kept waking up, dreams.  Still processing all this in my sleep.  I don't feel AT ALL bad for Ron he was ready to go and is happier than he has ever been.  

I feel bad for myself, missing him.  I am very clear on that.  Also scared about the job situation.  That is really awful to be widowed and unemployed all at once, let me tell you.  If I let myself I would have a nervous breakdown.  

If I had a car I would probably be a great person to sell life insurance.  You can't have too much.  Policy to pay off house/car/student loans/credit cards, etc.  We had a zero balance on credit card so it is basically the mortgage.  If the insurance pays I will be set in the house.  I don't know what I will do if insurance does not pay.  I am not going there yet.  

But the only other expenses are the utilities, internet.  That is it.  So I have faith I can find a job to cover expenses because I am just not an expensive person.  I don't even want cable TV at the end of this, I had asked Ron about it and he said no he wanted to keep it on.  Well, he's gone, so's the cable TV.  That saves me $100 a month right there.  

Some guys from the church have offered to help, will get front doorknob next week.  Good because the visitors are freaking out when the knob comes off in their hand.  Then when I get the cable TV stopped I will have one of them mount the digital antenna (Ron had bought a while back) and hook it up to my TV.  

I am throwing pride out the window with this.  Probably a good step in my overall spiritual walk.   Everything I read says I will be changed.  

It is really the worst thing that ever happened to me.  I am proud of myself for walking with God in this and not blaming Him.  How could I?  He ended Ron's pain which, looking back, was really horrible.  We went to pain doctors, neurologists, etc. and no one could help.  That is all over.  I don't feel bad about that.  

I am scared about my future, and I miss him horribly, but I don't feel bad for him.  I feel bad for myself, very clear on that.  

Ron died in the accident it just took him 18 years.  He had been ready to go ever since but had stuck around to protect me.  God must have given him assurances I'd be OK, and Ron left.  

And I do believe God is going to take care of me.  I just have to walk with Him and seek His will.  I just hope I can keep the cats.  I think Baby Girl would be fine if I had to rehome her.  I am pretty sure the vet would take Biscuit.  Spotty is so adorable anyone would want him.  But at the end of it I think I would have to keep Torbie and Cleo if I could only have 2.  Torbie is so old no one would take her and Cleo is very skittish and only trusts me.  She would end up put down or TNR living under a car without me.   But I will have faith God has my cats as well.  

I won't be getting any more, either.  Ron was the sucker he could never say no to a new cat.  

I have been listening to this https://youtu.be/mrukuuMUu_s a lot this morning.  It is rap but really describes Ron's view of Heaven.  

That's it for now I am going to go cry.