I have this odd functional depression. I am checking all the boxes, bathing, taking care of the cats, keeping up the house, laundry, job hunting, etc. but still in a lot of pain.
Today was worse. I was just miserable. I sat outside for a while as the weather is nice and sunny and sun definitely helps me with depression.
My aunt sent me a text something about Ron's remains. I called her. He has been cremated (probably last night) and the ashes are ready for pickup. She was sorry but she could only get them Monday.
I told her (and meant) that is OK he has waited this long. I am glad he's been done, actually. It really bothered me thinking of him after the autopsy they do very invasive things I won't articulate because you may be innocent and I won't take that. You can't un know that sort of thing. So it was upsetting me thinking of him like that and envisioning him like that in my head.
But now I can think about him as ashes and that is easier. I am going with my aunt to pick him up. I felt better hearing that but now sad in a different way. They must have done him last night.
She felt really terrible she couldn't get him today but she has a life. Ron is dead and it won't hurt him to wait.
A lot of people have a terrible time picking up the ashes, from what I saw on the caregiver group, but not me. I guess I am atypical. I cleaned out virtually all his stuff, I want to get his ashes, I was calm in talking to the authorities (although my hands shook badly). Everyone is different I guess.
I decided tonight was not a night for a pot pie so I called Jack - he said he would bring me food if he could - but he is across town so I did Uber Eats. I went with Arby's Ron loved their beef and cheddar. I have a lot of happy memories of going to Arby's with him so I am going to eat that and think about happy times.
I am going to go sit outside for a while. I'm back. That little girl across the street is a brat; she was hitting her much older sister (who was speaking calmly to her), doing that annoying kid scream at the top of her lungs, whining, and then gaping at me as I sat in my chair. Her mother finally noticed the staring and sent her in the house.
You Tube has decided to play classic rock at me tonight, many of the selections are Ron's favorites. Not sure if that is a good thing or not. Pretty sure 9/10 I am going to lose it when they give me Ron's ashes which may be a good thing. I am definitely bringing a hankie.
And here's Biscuit butting against my leg. I hope I don't have to give him to the vet. But I would do that before I'd give him to someone else. They like him a lot. But I may manage to keep the house.
If I don't then I will manage. It would be nice not to have to worry about repairs. But I will see "Sufficient for the day is the evil thereof" - Jesus, Matthew 6:34
I have been feeling unbalanced like maybe something is going to happen to me now. It is not logical. I do know my aunt has promised to find homes for my cats, with people who won't declaw them. I would rather see them put down than declawed, it is horribly painful.
Am I going to do anything to myself? No. I don't think any life experience is going to top the depression I had back in 1988. That actually drove me into the hospital for fear of taking my own life. I haven't been that bad yet. God told me that was as bad as it would get and He's been right.
Am I sad and depressed? Yes. Am I suicidal? No. Am I functional? Yes. I am not worried on that front even facing losing my job, picking up my husband's ashes, etc. I think I am doing pretty well considering my whole life revolved around him.
Paul actually talked about widows some in the New Testament. His advice:
Young widows should remarry 1 Timothy 5:14
But he also says it is probably better if they remain single, if led to do so by God 1 Corinthians 7:8-9
Me? Single for AT LEAST 5 years. God will provide for my needs.
In the old days you would often see a widower or widow remarry within days of their loss; they had to in order to survive. I am glad I am not faced with that.
No comments:
Post a Comment