Palm Sunday

 I slept OK last night, I guess.  I didn't wake up until 4, went back to sleep pretty quick.  Sad dreams but no real nightmares.  

Listening to some classic rock today.  Ron and I both liked it.  I will never forget the shock on his face after I moved in with him, he was playing Pink Floyd, and I began singing along with it.  So we had that in common.  

Anyway we both really liked this song.  I started crying during it.  I have hankies all over the house so not an issue... but I don't feel better.  He's still dead.  

I prefer a hankie to tissues as the hanky does not fall apart, can be washed, is nice and soft.  

I keep thinking about how I found him.  Now, don't get me wrong, I am very glad I did not hear him die, he did not die choking on his own blood or anything like that.  Very happy of that.  I am glad he did not have a protracted miserable death in a hospital.  But finding him dead was a horrible blow.  I can't get over his color, the flaccid arm, etc.  The horrible white lips.  How he just lay there unresponsive as I did CPR.  And again, that horrible arm flopping into me with every compression.  

I know that wasn't him, just his envelope.  But I loved that body for 29 years.  It was awful to see it like that.  (Note: if I thought that was bad... I'm really glad I found him when he was fresh)

On the plus side, he basically died naked so I didn't have to try to fight to get his property back from the medical examiner.  They have a whole Process for that.  They can have his disposable underwear he didn't need them anymore.  So the crematory got him naked, I don't know if they always do or what.  I really don't want to think about it.  

But he went quick and that was a blessing for him.  Not for me.  I miss him horribly.  It is so lonely in my house it was never lonely.  The cats do what they can to help.  Spotty got in my lap while I was dressing, for instance, so I sat there naked on the bed petting him.  When I finished dressing I picked him up for a little bit, more petting, and put him down before he got restless.  

I am glad Ron went first because he would have lost it had I died.  I don't think his faith would have held him up.  Like me, he would have lost the business.  And he would have ended up in a nursing home because he needed help with just about everything.  So he would have also lost his cats (and he loved them).  It would have been worse for Ron to lose me than it is for me to lose him.  I can look for another job; he couldn't.  Who would hire him?  He needed near constant help at work.  No one is going to allocate 2 people to do a one person job.  We could do it because it was our business but no one else would have done it.  So I can't argue with the timeline.  I don't like it but I understand.  

I have reacted to this with reaching into my faith and doing more evangelism.  I think that is how God would have wanted me to respond.  I haven't gotten bitter or self pity.  I knew Ron was older than me back in 1992, that he would likely die first.  We discussed it, that is when he told me to remarry.  I am not even ready to think about that right now.  

So that's my morning.  I think I will try watching church on my live feed on Facebook today.  My parents desperately want to take me to A church when they come and this one is pretty close, and Presbyterian which I have found I prefer.  Kind of like that old guy in the Catholic church many years ago said "Give me a child until he is 5/7 (something like that) and the church will have him for life".  I was just raised Presbyterian.  

I will not be watching the Maundy Thursday service as that is a very gloomy and depressing one focusing on Jesus' death.  Then Easter is the celebration of Him rising.  But not ready for the Thursday one right after Ron's death.  

I still can't believe Ron's friend told me I couldn't think of Ron when I was dating as it wouldn't be "fair" to whoever I was with.  I wanted to tell him, look, asshole, you are in for another thing if you think I am going to date an almost 70 year old blind guy.  Ron was 37 when we met and had a lot of life to give me.  I don't want a man half dead.  No.  I have done that and it ends in my tears.  Plus this guy is what Ron would call "parent dominated" with a lot of internal rules on how things should be, probably the biggest reason he is still single.  And doesn't make much money either Ron would not want that for me.  

Whoever I date, WHEN I date (5 years!) will understand Ron was a huge part of my life, 2/3 of it, and will accept I will remember Ron sometimes.  And the right guy will be OK with that.  

Dad has been talking about going to a steakhouse when he comes in a few weeks.  I don't have the heart to tell him I always cut up Ron's steak when we went out.  It is going to be very odd when they put the plate in front of me and I can just eat (after praying, of course).   But my parents are certified chaplains and grief counselors so if anyone will understand it is them.  

That's it for now.