Very early Saturday

 I slept AWFUL last night, complete with nightmares Ron was cheating on me.  Just miserable I woke up so sad and angry.  

I was going to do my cleaning tomorrow but I was upset enough I started cleaning the toilet, today.  I used up the last of "Ron's" toilet bowl cleaner, not quite enough to go around the rim.  I will finish that flush, and then do a load with one of my "with bleach" gel toilet bowl cleaners.  Also plan to organize cleaning supplies.  Did that.  

I loved my Lysol Clean and Fresh, which has antibacterial properties, but I used it on the floor cleaning up after Ron died.  I don't think I am ready to smell that fragrance any time soon.  That's why I got the store brand "loud" smelling lavender for tomorrow that is totally out of what Ron would have liked.  I like lavender and I'm sure I will find it pleasant.  

If I had thought it out I would have bought some mango or otherwise scented floor cleaner, used that on the floor after Ron died, and then gotten rid of it.  

The cats were awesome they really like Ron's blanket on my bed.  Spotty got up into bed with me for a while after I woke up.  Then he used the litter box in Ron's room so now his room smells like cat waste.  I will scoop before the guys come over today.  

Someone on my Facebook is putting up old time photos of "healing ministries" from the 1950's.  It reminded me of a story Ron told of one of those "crusades" on TV his mother called him in from play and had him kneel on the floor in front of the television while she put her hands on him, trying to "heal" him.  It really planted some seeds of disappointment for Ron.  

Sometimes God's will is healing, like after the accident all the doctors were using the word "miracle".  Sometimes God's will is not healing, like the last 5 years.  Sometimes God evacuates via angels (death), like 2 weeks ago.  I will say Ron had the most peaceful expression.  

If I hadn't seen 1 too many dead people photos in the caregiver group I might have taken a picture.  But I didn't like looking at them and felt others would feel the same.  

Apparently because Ron died in the county and no cause of death yet, the crematory has to get special permits to "do" him.  I have faith in them they want to get him done because right now he is taking up space.  It just means I wait longer, is all.  But they said it could be a month and it has only been a week since they got him.  

I would like to think I am a patient woman that is up for you to decide.   

Back to healing and God, I am very proud about how I handled the first days after Ron's accident, when I was in the ICU waiting room I asked God for His will, whatever that was, because He knew best for both me and Ron.  I continued and only ever asked for that until it was obvious God's will was Ron's healing (at least for a while).  So I prayed for his recovery as he improved.  But I never went into it asking God to restore Ron until I was 1000% sure that was His will.  

That is why I will often pray for "accurate diagnosis and treatment" for ill friends vs. "complete healing" because, sometimes like Paul, God gives us a "thorn" to keep our eyes on Him.  It is a very natural human trait to want to do it all on our own and take all the credit, that is not what God wants.  It is not for me to know so I just ask for an accurate diagnosis.  

Me, for instance, I did not know I was bipolar despite many trips to the doctor because I didn't have an accurate diagnosis.  Once I had that, and medication, my life did a 180 and I was able to do a lot more.  Accurate diagnosis is very important.  

But I would never tell someone God WOULD heal them because we don't know God's will.  Ron could only reach all the paratransit drivers and dispatchers because he was messed up enough to qualify for the service.  He could only be in the blind vendor program as long as he was blind.  Only evangelize the pain doctor if he was in enough pain to consider a visit.  

I don't ask God why Ron had to suffer; I get that.  His problems opened doors to evangelism.  Same with my problems; they are not doors, they're keys.  

I will feel a lot better when I have a new job in hand.  I have great faith God has something for me I just need to be patient and find it.  In the meantime I close out the business.  

The other vendor is going to make a lot of changes which will not be welcome.  We were selling a 16.9 ounce bottled soda for $1.25, they have already said that is going away and they are doing a 20 ounce for $1.75.  I doubt they will carry the pop tarts or the plain ruffles either.  But I will mention it.  The customers can talk and ask for stuff they want.  It won't be my job anymore.  

A couple people have asked me why they didn't hire me.  I asked God to close that door if it was not His will.  Clearly, it wasn't.  God has an open door for me I just need to find it.  

That's it for now.