I got rid of the last of the "could be an addictive problem" materials. Glad all I have in the house are my non addictive mood stabilizers, some caffeine, and vitamins.
I managed to get not one but two naps today. I was upset to realize I didn't save any of his text messages to me, they were really sweet, cute, and a few of them perverted. That was a hard blow. I even looked on his phone and not there. I did clean a bunch of "junk" messages out of that folder when I finished.
I also took him out as a "favorite". I kept his number but unstarred him as a favorite contact. Then I won't see his name every time I go to make a call. I looked and our last phone call was 11:37 and 43 seconds long. He sounded great; I hang on to that.
Some physical symptoms of depression which are to be expected. My allergies are really bad which leads to me coughing. That may be a problem with the job hunt but I will keep using the nasal spray. I may switch my allergy med back to Claratin. The Claratin worked pretty well in the past.
But I couldn't manage my gut the first couple days, it was awful. Now it is allergies. My body is grieving in it's own way. I just did shoot up with the Nasonex. Two squirts a day. I need to get some more next week. I like - oh it's the Nasocort. Anyway I like it because it doesn't give me a headache unlike the other nasal steroids.
This week I will focus on getting references and running the business. I should be able to go to Sam's and do a soda delivery. I want to end on the right note, Ron would want that, but Ron would also not want me to put my own money into the business. I won't be paying for many rides this week so I should be able to invest all that into the business.
Next day: I thought I posted this. Today the big plan is mapping out my route to take the bus to work. It is my subtle way of indicating I could get there just fine on the bus if the other vendor hires me. They always ask how I got there and it would be nice to say "The bus". I have done it before.
I have to wear a mask on the bus that is about it. But I know the route so it won't be 100% new. And that will be it for me with them. I just plan to indicate I could get there just fine on my own and let them think about that.
I want the job God has for me whatever that is. Whatever it is I will work hard, as serving God (from the Bible). I am honest, reliable, hard working. Someone will be happy to get me. I don't have any commitments at home. Ron and I had talked about leaving the program and that was one issue I had, I would need to be home to give him his medication as he got confused sometimes. I don't have any of that now just a couple cats. And I don't plan to do any dating for at least 5 years.
I am pretty much too old to have kids, and definitely "expired" by the time my 5 years are up. So a good deal for an employer. I just need to find the RIGHT job. That is what I want the RIGHT job.
A little story about my last job hunt, I did some job hopping when I hit Houston various problems. At the end of it I was interviewing for 2 jobs. One job I had a very good feeling about the minute I walked in. The other job I asked God for a sign. I asked the boss if it would be a problem if I had my internet packages delivered to work as I got 1-2 things a month. He said no, I could not use the mailing address and was VERY hostile about it.
They gave me (hostile) the job offer first for a good amount of money. I waited an hour or two until the second job (good feeling) made me another job offer, it was less money but I jumped on it as I felt they would treat me better. And I don't regret that. The new boss loved I had turned down more money to work for them and went around introducing me to everyone as such. And I never regretted it.
So I want God's job for me.
My family will be relieved when I have insurance, that came out this last week that I don't. If employer doesn't offer it I can get it through the marketplace. Ron had strong opinions on accepting gov't "help" but my pride died when Ron did.
I woke up with a nasty headache but the Excedrin got it. Sometimes drinking Diet Root Beer will get me. My allergies are still bugging me but I took the spray and my Zyrtec. And the antidepressants of course.
I think I am doing very well considering. But someone mentioned I could see him declining for a while so I had time to prepare myself. And he had declined a lot in the last year. He was bedridden, incontinent, etc. It was humiliating for him even though I went out of my way to be nice about it.
And I think I did a good job taking care of him, he was mostly clean (wouldn't let me do his hair) no bedsores, etc. My family loves the fact I kept a log of his food, medication times, poops, etc. It was just easier for me but would do it again.
My hands are clean I did everything for him. I miss him horribly but it will get better. He was in so much pain I would not take him back if God offered.
I tell you one thing, I do not want to see him after the autopsy. They take the top of the head off to look at the brain not to mention all the other cuts. I did see if they could use Ron as a tissue donor but they said no. My aunt and I are working on donating my body to science I won't need it and they might like a bipolar brain to play with.
I guess that's the one thing that sticks with me, how hard it was for Ron leading up to the end and how I am relieved God took him and ended that. It does suck to be me but I wouldn't be selfish. And he had pretty much taught me to live without him.
We were definitely codependent I admit that. It is so strange walking past his room, I used to look in and see if he needed anything. Now it's just mostly empty storage. Torbie cried when I took out the mattress and then, later, the bedframe which is in the garage.
Plan is to get rid of some more stuff, table and bookcase, rip out carpet. It can wait until I am in my new job for awhile and then have Carlos fix it up. He offered to do drywall, paint (his specialties) and floor for $1,100 which I think is fair. All I would need to buy are some paint and the flooring. I always wanted to do it in turquoise for Ron I will stick with that because I like turquoise.
And I told my Dad I plan to use it as an exercise room when we're done. Right now the orange room is home to God stuff, cat stuff, exercise bike it is a little crowded. I will have a lot more room if I move the exercise bike to Ron's room. I never imagined I would have 2 bedrooms and a study all to myself but I'm not going to junk it out. I was very pleased with myself how much of Ron's stuff I tossed. He would not want me to hang onto much.
I need to take a shower. I used up my bar of Ivory soap a day or so after Ron died. When I made my vitamin order I had thrown in a nice bar of gardenia soap and I have been using that every day. It is nice, although I will probably always associate gardenias with grief now.
That's it for now.
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