Friday

 I've been thinking about the fact both of my grandmothers were widowed at pretty young ages.  My paternal grandmother was about my age when she lost her husband to a brain bleed; my maternal grandmother lost him very early, in her 20's.  My maternal grandfather died in a plane crash.  It sent her off a cliff with mental illness and she was never the same, died very bitter and paranoid.  It's sad.  

My paternal grandmother handled it a lot better; having faith was a big part of it I think.  She never remarried though.  

My aunt had to help out one of her sons today so I likely won't see her.  

I had a bad night for grieving so I got Ron's sherpa blanket (he adored that thing and slept with it virtually every day since the day it arrived from Amazon) and slept with that last night.  I slept better but not great.  I have 2 of Ron's blankets in my bed now.  Don't know what I will do this summer.  

I had 3 cats, Biscuit, Torbie, and Cleo last night that was comforting.  When I woke up Cleo was sleeping on the blanket I used to cover Ron after they declared him dead.  and that sentence was hard to type.  

Anyway I was glad to see Cleo getting some comfort.  I have seen all the cats sleeping on or around that blanket.  Glad the morgue people left it.  My understanding everything on a dead person goes to the morgue but I guess a fleece blanket did not count.  I would have liked Ron to have a blanket until his cremation but COVID put an end to that idea.  So they left the blanket, it smells like Ron (to the cats I smell nothing).  

Ron was, happily, fresh when I found him and they took him pretty quick.  So I didn't have to deal with rigor or odors.  Thank God for that.  

Sometimes it is so bad you have to call a crime scene cleanup crew.  I read an article about them some time ago.  Nothing my Lysol floor cleaner couldn't handle.  (Well technically I did disinfecting wipes and then the mop several times).  

Anyway I am glad the cats like the blanket I will leave that out.  We will get rid of the carpet likely next weekend.  That should eliminate the last of the pissy odors in the house.  

Carpet is just a bad idea with a feeble senior.  Just a really bad combination some sort of hard floor is best.  I will be glad when I get the carpet out even though it means bare concrete for some time.  Then I can save up and redo the drywall, paint it turquoise like I always wanted, and do the flooring to match the other rooms.  Then I can put some bright yellow accents I think that will be very cheerful.  

Today I did the computers.  Ron had an empty computer case (took out hard drive) so I took that out to the curb.  I put his 2 computers in the garage.  I put my old computer in the garage.  So I did that, glad of it but hard to see it happen.  Then I got rid of his speakers.  I remember the night he bought them he walked all around the house with the speakers at various volumes so he could tell how much was too loud, and would bother the neighbors.  He was very considerate like that.  The speakers were pretty shot anyway and my Creative ones work very well so I'm not inclined to change them.  I spent about $40 on mine at Fry's some years ago and they have been very nice.  They are over 10 years old.  Creative is a good brand for speakers.  

So I am taking a break for now I am slowly chipping away at all the "Ron" in the house.  I know some people in the widows group said they couldn't get rid of anything but I couldn't wait.  It is just painful to /see all the reminders, like that mattress "Hey, Heather, Ron DIED on me".  No thanks.  It is easier to pass by and see an empty room.  

I think some are like me and do a big purge, others want to hang on to everything.  Ron's gone all I want are the ashes and a few blankets for the cats and me.  I mean, he's gone.  Stuff isn't going to bring him back.  

I did have one really odd transaction with someone.  She is a friend of a Facebook friend, was reading my posts, I think following me which is fine.  I mean I wouldn't have a public blog if I wasn't OK with that.  

But she sent me a private message asking if she could move in!  I don't even KNOW this woman.  I am raw and bleeding, my heart is torn in half, the last thing I want is a stranger in my house.  In Ron's room.  No way.  Besides I had to wonder why no one else would help her.  

If I had to I know my brother and sister (separate houses) would take me in if I got into a jam.  

So I found that odd.  Other than that everyone has been nice but still not turning on comments.  If I had abusive comments when Ron was alive I can only imagine what I'd get these days.  And I am raw.  

If I let myself I get really upset at Ron's family 1.  Greedy and 2.  Lying to me about the photos.  It would have been much kinder to say "We have photos of Ron but you're not getting them" than to play games with me "I'm bringing it... no I'm not" again and again.  

But I will tell him either leave them on my porch or give them to my aunt.  At any rate I have many lovely photos of Ron.  I am really warmed by the ones of us together.  I doubt his family kept many of those.  If any.  😂  Ron and I were always very close and that bothered them.  

I remember his sister shouting at me because I sat down on a couch next to Ron at a family function.  I looked around and none of the married couples were sitting together.  I thought that was sad, and continued to sit with Ron.  She made snarky comments about that to my aunt when they first met.  

Anyway his family had no love for me and that is consistent.  I like to think I made Ron happy and safe (especially at the end).  He remarked to me again and again I had no idea how much what I did, meant to him.  I hang onto that; that matters.  Stupid head games from his family just prove we were right to have them out of our lives.  

It is sunny today but cold and windy, the kind of day that would have been bad for Ron's pain levels.  I am glad he is not hurting and I will stick to that until the day *I* die but I do miss him horribly.