And there's the worry...

 So depressed this morning, pushed through, swept and mopped the floor.  I used the store brand lavender cleaner it has no associations for me scent wise.  I like lavender though.  

I did my God Time, I mopped the whole house and then went and mopped the concrete in Ron's room, it has stains on the floor.  The stains didn't come up but the floor doesn't feel as gritty under my bare feet and the lavender fragrance will help the ambiance.  Now Carlos can lay the new floor when I'm ready (going to be a long while I have to get a job and save up first).  And the room doesn't remind me of Ron anymore except for the finger marks on the wall I could probably clean those off sometime.  

I am battling worry.  I have a lot to worry about.  My whole existence is pretty precarious right now.  Will the mortgage insurance pay off?  When will they find a cause of death?  Did I screw up somehow and that's how he died?  (doubtful but nagging that one).  When will they cremate him and I get my cremains?   Am I ever going to get those photos?  

And where am I going to work how will I get there will they be decent to me?  Will I have to move?  All sorts of worries.  But I am shoving them aside because God has me.  

So, today I cleaned the house and did my God Time.  Focus on that.  I may do resume later.  

I bought some Loratadine (Claratin) tablets and am taking those now.  I had pretty good allergy management on the loratadine so I will just take that for now.  Still using my nasal spray it does help but is unpleasant.  

The house smelled very nicely of lavender until Biscuit came off the bed and left a deposit in the litter box.  Now the house smells like cat poop.  If I am diligent I may scoop now vs. later.  It's only 53 outside so I won't be going out to sit in the sun.  

We had some lovely weather around when Ron died but it is more a cold spring now.  I am going to take a shower tonight so I don't have to do it in the morning.  I plan to take the bus in the morning and then Jack after because I have to run errands.  Jack needs the money and my aunt can only do so much.  So Jack can take me to the bank and post office, maybe Walmart depends on what I need.  

I also need to make a spreadsheet with prices so I can do the transfer to the other vendor at the end of the month.  So I have things to do, and I have to work in that resume...

I do better when I'm busy.  I do worry I am shoving it all down I have not cried for more than a couple minutes at a time since Ron died... I don't think that is normal but I don't see a way to let myself go right now.  But I worry it will show up during a job interview or something.  But I am sad, feeling that for sure...so maybe I am OK I'm just not a big weeper these days.  

That's it for now.