Very early Wednesday

 I slept OK again, I guess, not great, up at 4 again.  But I am getting some sleep and charging my battery.  

My phone isn't working it won't open text messages.  I will have to take it to the cell phone store.  Not exactly what I need, a half dead phone.  I did at least have time to transfer all my numbers to my paper phone book so I won't lose anyone.  I had a lot of sandwich delivery men in there.  Don't need them, but do need family numbers.  Also phone numbers for my references.  

I got my first load of clothes in the wash, the new stuff from Monday (well, new to me), about half of it.  Mainly pants, skirt, and a dress.  I am such a geek I actually do things like read the manual for the washer, and the care tags on the clothing, so a load on delicates/cold ought to do it.  

The clothes do smell like they came from a thrift shop but it's been my experience a trip through the washer fixes all that.  I also put in some of those scent beads as I don't have any underwear in there.  They should be fine.  Looks like most of them are hang dry so I will do that.  

No sense in ruining brand new (to me) clothes because I didn't treat them properly.  My aunt is concerned, I got a lot of black.  I look good in black and I can pair anything with it.  It's a good staple.  Plus feeling gloomy most days due to being widowed and all.  But the cat hair!  So she's going to get me a lint roller.  

If I let myself, I get completely overwhelmed.  But I am focusing on one foot in front of the other right now.  What is most important, and doing that.  Today I will try on, and wash, all my new clothes, and hang them up.  I also need to get my phone fixed.  

Or replaced I hope that is cheap.  While I have a little I don't want to spend it if I don't have to.  If I do replace I hope I can get a better camera.  My current camera is AWFUL especially with the flash; if you have seen one of the blurry photos you know what I'm talking about.  

It is just so strange to me I can't get up, walk in Ron's room, see him and take care of him.  That is he is lying on a slab somewhere if he hasn't been cremated yet.  But he's gone.  He left me.  That is a hard blow.  

I have been thinking about the timeline, though.  He had a bad back in high school, one of his vertebrae  did not grow in properly.  It is inherited so I am really glad we didn't have kids, Ron said it was agonizing.  It got better when he stopped growing.  Back was fine with a little chiropractic now and then up until about the time of the accident.  

Even after the accident his back was OK once he got his strength back.  Back to work he is lifting cases of water, pulling carts, etc.  About 5 years ago the back got worse, causing severe leg pain when he stood up.  So he went to a walker.  

That helped some.  He had the back operation.  Back to a walker and then a swift decline to a wheelchair.  More and more pain progressive getting worse until last year he is effectively bedridden.  

I am glad I can say I didn't run when he needed me.  

Nothing anyone could do, the pain doctor said, based on the MRI, Ron had a "jacked up back" and needed very invasive and extensive surgery, which he was not interested in doing.  

So I'm not sorry his pain is ended but I'm all alone and it really sucks to be me right now.  But I wouldn't take him back the way he was hurting, even the day he died he was grabbing his foot and shouting aloud with pain.  That's all over for him now.  

Me?  I had a nuke dropped on my life but I will recover with God's help.  He has not failed me yet in over 40 years.  It's going to be hard, though.  

Although I do have to admit finding the clothes was easy.