I think Biscuit thought he was cat food

 I forgot I set up the wet cat food on the kitchen table.  

So I was looking at my containers with the screw on lids and thinking I should just bite the bullet and dish up the remains into the 2 small containers so he can travel.  I did buy the urn I had been considering.  I want to put him in the urn when it comes which means I will have to handle him, and if I am going to handle him I might as well get some practice putting him in the containers.  

So I got the plastic box and put it on the kitchen table (remains inside the box in a plastic bag).  I put the two containers with the screw on lids on the table.  Biscuit perked up and came over to the table, sitting on the floor.  

I opened the box of remains.  They were in a plastic bag with a twist tie.  I undid the twist tie.  And the table shook as Biscuit jumped up and shoved his head in the bag.  He sniffed Ron, looked at me, I moved him off to the side.  

I used a tablespoon I plan to dispose of when I am done.  I put 4 tablespoons of ash into each container.  That seemed like a good amount.  I screwed on the lids, should be great for travel.  Then I redid the twist tie and put the remains back on the bookcase.  I put the small containers up there too.  

The urn is supposed to come Friday.  I will transfer him to the urn when it arrives and display the urn on the bookcase.  But the 2 travel containers are ready to go and are inexpensive enough to be thrown away when I'm done.  

I have done a lot today.  

Out of business date 3-31-2021

 I didn't sleep well, got up, had a headache (cold front).  I took something and got ready.  My aunt got held up by traffic but we got there.  It didn't take too long to transfer the inventory, sell it and some locks to the other vendor, hand over 2 sets of keys (one each for Ron and me), and complete the end of business with the State of Texas.  So that is all done.  

Then we went to lunch.  I had chicken fried steak with BROWN gravy, thank you very much, and the waitress made sure I got it right.  She got a good tip for that.  I had a Cracker Barrel gift card in Ron's wallet so we went there.  My aunt got some sort of fried fish she was very happy with it.  I had mac and cheese and a baked sweet potato for my side.   The waitress was very apologetic they did not have the cinnamon butter I said plain butter was fine in the potato.  And it was.  I like a little salt with my sweet.  My aunt had fries and green beans.  She enjoyed her meal, I enjoyed mine.  

We got my mail (got the Taco Bell gift card, thank you!) and went to Walmart.  I had discussed ashes with my adoptive mom last night.  She said they would be happy to sprinkle some in CA if there was a place Ron really liked, I told her about a park Ron loved.  She said they would be happy to take some/all ashes there if I wanted.  I said I would like for some of them to go there.  Later, considering, I thought I would like some ashes to go to Galveston and then some stay with me.  So I needed disposable containers for transport.  

[When I talked to my Dad about this today he said they would be "honored" to do it.  I had sent them a link and he said it would be "easy" to get there and do it and it would be their pleasure.]

We went to Walmart.  I found some screw top containers in a one cup size that are perfect.  We looked at candles but I didn't see any I liked.  My aunt got me a lint brush so I don't look like a cat lady.  We came home.  

I had confided I was reluctant to look at the ashes and she said she would look and make sure there wasn't anything upsetting.  She looked, said it was OK.  He looked like gravely gray sand.  Nothing awful.  So one hurdle done.  In a few days I will put some ashes in 2 of the containers, one for CA and one for Galveston.  He would like that.  I do want the third portion for myself (repeating myself I know).   Glad I have that done.  

Tomorrow or Friday I need to file 2 reports and then the vending business is over.  I am sad to see it end but ready for a new chapter.  It would be too hard to do the same thing without Ron.  I mean, nearly everything reminds me anyway, a new place will be better.  

The other vendor wrote me a check for the inventory and I deposited it today.  That will pay about a month of expenses if I am careful.  I felt the amount was more than fair.  I feel they handled me fairly, the state as well.  No complaining from me.  

If my next employer asks what problems I had in my last job (a very good question to ask, by the way) I will probably say it was frustrating when I would tell a customer a machine was broken and they would try to use it anyway.  I won't miss that!  

So I got a lot done today glad that is all over - was DREADING it.  I am burning the lilac candle from Bath and Body works, it is very nice, I may buy another online.  I am not going to worry about my job hunt for a few days.  God has taken me this far He is readying my next boss.  

It is funny I am not looking for a caregiver job because every reference in my list would say "She took such good care of him!"  But not looking for that.  As I told my Dad I would always be comparing my client to Ron and coming up short.  

The cats are good, something funny this morning.  I got some turkey shreds in gravy because they all really like it.  But this morning Spotty didn't want it, he wanted dry food.  So I gave him some.  He is eating it now.  

That's it for now.  

Cry No More

A good one to start my day 

The rest of Tuesday

 I got a lot done today and will end the business in a professional, clean, way.  I am pleased with that.  But it was hard today.  I am suffering another loss, and everything I saw today reminded me of him in some way.  A for instance, one of the custodians has a very jolly laugh Ron loved.  The custodian was laughing today.  People were asking me what I'm going to do.  That's a really good question.  

The other vendor called as I was stocking and wants me to come in earlier tomorrow, my aunt said she can do that.  He mentioned handing over my keys and I almost lost it.  I suspect tomorrow's going to be harder than the day Ron died.  But sufficient for the day is it's own trouble (Matthew 6:34).  I did need to make up a spreadsheet for the inventory and pack up a little calculator.  I did that.  

So Jack picked me up and we went to Sam's, did our shopping.  We were both a little sad as this is the last time.  We got to work and unloaded, I stocked everything.  The machines look good Ron would be happy to leave them like that.  I was pleased.  

I was just having a really sad day but I feel satisfied how I am leaving things.  I called Jack and he picked me up, we went to Little Cesars as I had a gift card.  I wanted the little lunch pizza but all they had were the big ones, so I got a big one.  I was hungrier than I thought and ate almost half of it.  I haven't had much of an appetite since Ron died.  I took my medication of course and took a nap.  

I slept for about an hour, got up, no headache.  I finished the spreadsheet and set up everything for tomorrow.  I need to bring the bill counter in the house that is all.  I am going to leave a lot of supplies, my toolbox, etc. because I don't see me doing any vending for quite a while.  And I got the tools at Walmart anyway.  The set of picks was very useful for coin jams.  

I took a shower tonight so I don't have to do one tomorrow.  I am just going to hang out for a couple of hours and let my hair dry naturally.  Just thinking about a hair dryer reminds me of the time Ron used to use one to turn on a computer we had.  It had a bad contact in the power supply so he would direct the hair dryer at the power supply for a couple of minutes and it turned on every time.  It always shocked people who came over but he was so smug, cackling, as he hit that button and it clicked on.  He also used to use it to defrost something at work, I forget what exactly.  

One thing I said to Jack "I am pretty sure the last words I said to Ron were that I loved him"  "They were" he replied "Remember I was right there (while you spoke to him)"  That is good to know and very kind of him to say.  

I will call my Dad a little later I had a small crying session.  And of course I had moved my hankies.  

I did my God Time this morning and also read "Let's Praise the Lord" my little Scripture booklet of Bible verses praising God.  I think it is important to praise God in bad times.  And He has taken good care of me in this.  I am particularly impressed with the grace He has given me in my grief I would have thought I would be useless and inconsolable.  But I am holding up OK I think.  

That's it for now.  

Very early Tuesday

 I woke up several times last night.  Tonight sleep is even worse.  Biscuit was really happy to get fed at 3 AM.  I also did a load of clothes I figured I am up anyway.  That's the nice thing about a house I'm not going to wake anyone up running a load of clothes at 3 AM.  I sure hope I can keep the house.  

A lot going on this week closing the business; it was Ron's baby but I am the definite "mother".   So I am losing my "baby" in addition to losing Ron.  We haven't made much money the last year but it was MY job.  So that is hard I will miss it.  

My stepbrother sent me a gift card for Walmart (actually his wife did) and I got myself a cute fun/professional outfit that breaks into some separates I can wear with different other pieces.  Some groceries.  And I also got a plug in with a nice fragrance.  I am enjoying that I am just paranoid about odors since Ron died at home.  Not logical he was still pretty fresh when they took him and I had the front door propped open for some time until they did.  

There was some culture I read about used to open all the windows so the soul could fly out.  I guess that was me.  I read a biography of a chaplain in Maine when her husband died she went to the crematory and washed his body before they processed him.  I didn't want to see him after the autopsy something like that you can't unsee; but I did want to take him a blanket which wasn't very logical either.  I am very glad I have him back.  

My aunt made the whole death thing pretty easy for me to process, handling all the details.  I just show up.  I trust her to handle it all; she has been reliable in the past.  

And everyone in my circle feels terrible about what happened and has been very supportive.  My repairman, Luis, gave me a big hug yesterday and offered to be a reference.  He said he was sorry to see me go and I could tell he meant it.  Ron's boss has also been awesome she was stricken.  Not awesome it hit her so hard but she always liked Ron.  

It is odd.  I used to accidentally type his name as "Roin" and have to correct; now I have been typing it as a lower case.  "ron" I guess that is just  part of processing.  

I was happy I "fixed" the light in Ron's room (did it again!), my aunt and uncle had moved it to take out the carpet.  When I plugged it in again it didn't work.  Today I had the bright idea to try screwing in the lightbulb, which I found was pretty loose.  It works now!  Happy about that.  

I have just been really beat up this last month.  But things can only get better from here.  I'm just tired and will be glad when the business is put to bed.  

Most of Monday

 I didn't sleep well last night.  I got up, went to work, took the money out, and my aunt picked me up.  We went to the bank and then to a gas station, we both had dry mouth.  We got a drink and then went to the cremation place.  They came out quickly with a box, my aunt got out and was talking to her for a minute.  I wanted that box.  I got out and introduced myself as "his wife" even though "he" was in a box.  She handed him over and said something consoling, I hugged the box and thanked her (later gave a really good review online).  Got back in the car and held him in my lap until we got to the post office.  I got my mail - I got both cards including the one with the gift cards, thank you!  And very sweet notes as well.  

I got Ron's bank statement which I handed over to her.  She is the executor.  I told her she could turn off my life insurance but to keep Gospel for Asia going for now.  Ron really liked them.   

We went to Walmart, my older stepbrother had sent me a gift card so he bought me groceries and a cute work outfit.  We went out to eat and came home.  

I put Ron on the bookcase, but then moved him to the table.  And I'm looking at him in his box.  

And I kept thinking he looked like a bakery box of muffins or cookies.  So I got rid of the outer cardboard.  He had a cremation certificate I put on the bookcase.  

He was in a black plastic case with his name on it, a very sturdy box with a little note on it this is human remains please respect.  Very nice.  I already had the candle and a tract for my adoptive Mom.  I told her how much Ron liked the tract and she said to save her one, she will put an image of it in her slide show she is doing.  And I had mounted the flowers to the bookcase a while back.  

When I finished it looked like this: 

He is behind the candle and tract.  Looks good not in a rush to change that.  

I called my sister we talked for a while.  She is doing pretty well, worst thing lately her cat jumped on up her incision the other night.  

I am going to call my parents in a while.  I thought today would be really awful but it wasn't.  Wednesday may be another story we will see.  

That's it for now.  

So I watched church

 It was a good service, not too long.  I am not one for a whole lot of singing and this suited.  They had 2 kiddie choirs on zoom that was cute.  Plea for fundraising on missions.  

I don't talk a lot about charity but I do have autopays.  Last year I had to turn off the World Missionary Press autopay I still feel bad about that.  

When I am set in my new job I will be resuming that, and also contributing some money to Gospel For Asia's Jesus well program.  Ron always felt awful that people in other countries did not have clean water and said he would never take it for granted.  I think that would be a good tribute.  A modest autopay every month.  They set up a well in a poor village with a salvation message printed in the local languages.  "Everyone welcome" as some castes in India are not allowed to use public water.  

Anyway I will be doing that I prefer to direct my charity dollars because sometimes I don't always agree with the "group" ones.  

The sermon was good.  They did not do an altar call at the end but Presbyterians often don't.  They prefer to have evangelistic events and do the altar call then.  The Baptists were like that - where I got saved, Baptist vacation Bible school.  They did an invitation the last night.  I accepted but was too shy to raise my hand.  I used to wonder if that meant I was really saved.  Later on I figured I had been  because I went home and immediately told my parents I was saved - we are supposed to profess our faith, after we get it, so I'm good.  

It took about an hour not bad.  So I can tell my Dad it is "on" to go there.  

I stayed online for a little while, then finished up my prayer time for everyone, including Ron's family and the man who ran him over.  Very important.  I don't want to be a hater or some bitter hag like my maternal grandmother.  She was, by all accounts, a miserable and hateful woman.  I don't want that for my own life.  I want to find joy in things.  

I laid down for a little while, Cleo and Biscuit joined me and laid down next to each other.  Biscuit kneaded me, purring.  Heidi called (we exchanged phone numbers some time back) and we talked.  She has a nice voice.  Nice person too.  

It is raining outside (not hard) so I can't sit out in my chair.  I could use some fresh air.  

I am wearing my Tea Rose perfume.  I don't wear it around my aunt because my grandmother wore it and my aunt has said it is an emotional trigger for her.  I don't want to make her sad.  But she wasn't coming by today anyway so it was OK.  

Tomorrow will be busy: go to work.  Take the money out, do an inventory.  Go to the bank.  Go to the crematorium and get "my" ashes.  Go to Post Office and maybe Walmart depending on how I am holding up.  I will be busy.  

Tuesday Jack and I go to Sam's for the last time, get supplies for work, go in and I stock them.  Then he takes me home.  

Wednesday my aunt picks me up, takes me to work.  We close the business.  That will be hard emotionally.  I remember the day we started it in 2001.  It will be hard handing over my keys to the other vendor and then handing over my badge to security as I leave.  That door is closing.  But God has an AWESOME new door for me I just have to walk down the hall, so to speak.  

Thursday I do the last accounting stuff, file the last P&L report with the state, file the sales tax report and out of business date.  I told Dad I was thinking of taking a long weekend (Friday to Sunday) after that and he encouraged me to.  And this is a guy worked 14 hour days the whole time I grew up.  

He asked me if I felt he had become more supportive (I had briefly mentioned a Toby Mac song where he said he wished he had spent more time with the kids) and I said yes, meant it.  After I was hospitalized for depression he made very obvious efforts to reach out and let me know I was loved.  That never stopped even when we didn't agree.  

So I will probably take a long weekend.  I also need to get contact information for my references.  But that isn't urgent as the serious job hunt starts next week.  

So, a long, crazy, week.  I will get through it.  

One bite at a time.  

Palm Sunday

 I slept OK last night, I guess.  I didn't wake up until 4, went back to sleep pretty quick.  Sad dreams but no real nightmares.  

Listening to some classic rock today.  Ron and I both liked it.  I will never forget the shock on his face after I moved in with him, he was playing Pink Floyd, and I began singing along with it.  So we had that in common.  

Anyway we both really liked this song.  I started crying during it.  I have hankies all over the house so not an issue... but I don't feel better.  He's still dead.  

I prefer a hankie to tissues as the hanky does not fall apart, can be washed, is nice and soft.  

I keep thinking about how I found him.  Now, don't get me wrong, I am very glad I did not hear him die, he did not die choking on his own blood or anything like that.  Very happy of that.  I am glad he did not have a protracted miserable death in a hospital.  But finding him dead was a horrible blow.  I can't get over his color, the flaccid arm, etc.  The horrible white lips.  How he just lay there unresponsive as I did CPR.  And again, that horrible arm flopping into me with every compression.  

I know that wasn't him, just his envelope.  But I loved that body for 29 years.  It was awful to see it like that.  (Note: if I thought that was bad... I'm really glad I found him when he was fresh)

On the plus side, he basically died naked so I didn't have to try to fight to get his property back from the medical examiner.  They have a whole Process for that.  They can have his disposable underwear he didn't need them anymore.  So the crematory got him naked, I don't know if they always do or what.  I really don't want to think about it.  

But he went quick and that was a blessing for him.  Not for me.  I miss him horribly.  It is so lonely in my house it was never lonely.  The cats do what they can to help.  Spotty got in my lap while I was dressing, for instance, so I sat there naked on the bed petting him.  When I finished dressing I picked him up for a little bit, more petting, and put him down before he got restless.  

I am glad Ron went first because he would have lost it had I died.  I don't think his faith would have held him up.  Like me, he would have lost the business.  And he would have ended up in a nursing home because he needed help with just about everything.  So he would have also lost his cats (and he loved them).  It would have been worse for Ron to lose me than it is for me to lose him.  I can look for another job; he couldn't.  Who would hire him?  He needed near constant help at work.  No one is going to allocate 2 people to do a one person job.  We could do it because it was our business but no one else would have done it.  So I can't argue with the timeline.  I don't like it but I understand.  

I have reacted to this with reaching into my faith and doing more evangelism.  I think that is how God would have wanted me to respond.  I haven't gotten bitter or self pity.  I knew Ron was older than me back in 1992, that he would likely die first.  We discussed it, that is when he told me to remarry.  I am not even ready to think about that right now.  

So that's my morning.  I think I will try watching church on my live feed on Facebook today.  My parents desperately want to take me to A church when they come and this one is pretty close, and Presbyterian which I have found I prefer.  Kind of like that old guy in the Catholic church many years ago said "Give me a child until he is 5/7 (something like that) and the church will have him for life".  I was just raised Presbyterian.  

I will not be watching the Maundy Thursday service as that is a very gloomy and depressing one focusing on Jesus' death.  Then Easter is the celebration of Him rising.  But not ready for the Thursday one right after Ron's death.  

I still can't believe Ron's friend told me I couldn't think of Ron when I was dating as it wouldn't be "fair" to whoever I was with.  I wanted to tell him, look, asshole, you are in for another thing if you think I am going to date an almost 70 year old blind guy.  Ron was 37 when we met and had a lot of life to give me.  I don't want a man half dead.  No.  I have done that and it ends in my tears.  Plus this guy is what Ron would call "parent dominated" with a lot of internal rules on how things should be, probably the biggest reason he is still single.  And doesn't make much money either Ron would not want that for me.  

Whoever I date, WHEN I date (5 years!) will understand Ron was a huge part of my life, 2/3 of it, and will accept I will remember Ron sometimes.  And the right guy will be OK with that.  

Dad has been talking about going to a steakhouse when he comes in a few weeks.  I don't have the heart to tell him I always cut up Ron's steak when we went out.  It is going to be very odd when they put the plate in front of me and I can just eat (after praying, of course).   But my parents are certified chaplains and grief counselors so if anyone will understand it is them.  

That's it for now.  

Saturday evening

 My girls are looking out for me.  Cleo lay down with me when I took my nap.  She actually lay between my legs as I laid on my back so I didn't move.  I did fall asleep for about an hour, woke up.  The "Danders" got me and I began sneezing which utterly freaked poor Cleo, who fled.  I got up, puttered around the house, sat outside for a while, came in.  My aunt called she wants one of her daughters in law (who has a degree? in Communications) to proof my resume and cover letter.  I was fine with that.  

Torbie got in my lap as I talked on the phone and wanted lots of petting.  I am bad, I like to play with her claws.  She let me (I didn't do it much).  Then she and Baby Girl got treats.  My cousin is apparently also an "Acts of Service" love language and willing to come do handyman work on the house.  Ron would be thrilled all these guys (church, and family) are looking out for me.  I said I thought I was OK for now.  

Still depressed, still functional.  I expect Monday will be a hard one getting the ashes.  I expect I will cry quite a bit when given what is left of Ron.  I will bring my big hankie.  I may be fine for that but then have a problem at home.  I don't know.  We'll see.  

I will make a decision about an urn when I have him back.   

I just finished talking to my parents they are looking forward to coming out.  Dad keeps talking about a steakhouse.  

Do you know, I have never been to a steakhouse where I didn't cut up Ron's steak first before eating my own?  

Not a great Saturday morning

 I woke up between 12-1 this morning with a pretty nasty headache, took some Excedrin.  It worked but kept me up for some hours.  I worked on the computer and went back to bed around 4.  

I have been setting an alarm for 7 as that used to be my "day off natural wakeup" time.  I think it is important to keep a schedule.  Once I get my next job I can adjust my schedule as required.  So I got up at 7 even though I was still tired.  

I took a shower and did my God Time.  I gave the cats a can of turkey shreds in gravy they all seemed to like it.  They all get about an ounce each so Biscuit shouldn't have any problems.  

I did up some New Testaments for the crematory.  They said I couldn't bring Ron a blanket but they may take the Bibles, I have to offer at any rate.  That happens Monday.  

I sat on the couch for a while.  Cleo joined me, I guess she could tell I was feeling down.  I gave her plenty of petting - so nice as she wouldn't let me touch her a few years ago - and she purred at me.  

I plan to take a nap in about an hour.  It is important to get a good quality of sleep when possible.  It is overcast and gloomy.  I am fairly sunburnt on my shoulders and upper arms, from my sun bath yesterday, so I am wearing an oversized t shirt.  I may sit outside again just for some fresh air.  

Really battling depression today - 3 week anniversary.  

Friday

 I have this odd functional depression.  I am checking all the boxes, bathing, taking care of the cats, keeping up the house, laundry, job hunting, etc. but still in a lot of pain.  

Today was worse.  I was just miserable.  I sat outside for a while as the weather is nice and sunny and sun definitely helps me with depression.  

My aunt sent me a text something about Ron's remains.  I called her.  He has been cremated (probably last night) and the ashes are ready for pickup.  She was sorry but she could only get them Monday.  

I told her (and meant) that is OK he has waited this long.  I am glad he's been done, actually.  It really bothered me thinking of him after the autopsy they do very invasive things I won't articulate because you may be innocent and I won't take that.  You can't un know that sort of thing.  So it was upsetting me thinking of him like that and envisioning him like that in my head.  

But now I can think about him as ashes and that is easier.  I am going with my aunt to pick him up.  I felt better hearing that but now sad in a different way.  They must have done him last night.  

She felt really terrible she couldn't get him today but she has a life.  Ron is dead and it won't hurt him to wait.  

A lot of people have a terrible time picking up the ashes, from what I saw on the caregiver group, but not me.  I guess I am atypical.  I cleaned out virtually all his stuff, I want to get his ashes, I was calm in talking to the authorities (although my hands shook badly).  Everyone is different I guess. 

I decided tonight was not a night for a pot pie so I called Jack - he said he would bring me food if he could - but he is across town so I did Uber Eats.  I went with Arby's Ron loved their beef and cheddar.  I have a lot of happy memories of going to Arby's with him so I am going to eat that and think about happy times.  

I am going to go sit outside for a while.  I'm back.  That little girl across the street is a brat; she was hitting her much older sister (who was speaking calmly to her), doing that annoying kid scream at the top of her lungs, whining, and then gaping at me as I sat in my chair.  Her mother finally noticed the staring and sent her in the house.  

You Tube has decided to play classic rock at me tonight, many of the selections are Ron's favorites.  Not sure if that is a good thing or not.  Pretty sure 9/10 I am going to lose it when they give me Ron's ashes which may be a good thing.  I am definitely bringing a hankie.  

And here's Biscuit butting against my leg.  I hope I don't have to give him to the vet.  But I would do that before I'd give him to someone else.  They like him a lot.  But I may manage to keep the house.  

If I don't then I will manage.  It would be nice not to have to worry about repairs.  But I will see "Sufficient for the day is the evil thereof" - Jesus, Matthew 6:34 

I have been feeling unbalanced like maybe something is going to happen to me now.  It is not logical.  I do know my aunt has promised to find homes for my cats, with people who won't declaw them.  I would rather see them put down than declawed, it is horribly painful.  

Am I going to do anything to myself?  No.  I don't think any life experience is going to top the depression I had back in 1988.  That actually drove me into the hospital for fear of taking my own life.  I haven't been that bad yet.  God told me that was as bad as it would get and He's been right.  

Am I sad and depressed?  Yes.  Am I suicidal?  No.  Am I functional?  Yes.  I am not worried on that front even facing losing my job, picking up my husband's ashes, etc.  I think I am doing pretty well considering my whole life revolved around him.  

Paul actually talked about widows some in the New Testament.  His advice: 

Young widows should remarry 1 Timothy 5:14

But he also says it is probably better if they remain single, if led to do so by God 1 Corinthians 7:8-9

Me?  Single for AT LEAST 5 years.  God will provide for my needs.  

In the old days you would often see a widower or widow remarry within days of their loss; they had to in order to survive.  I am glad I am not faced with that.  

Thursday morning

 I went to sleep pretty easily, woke up at 1 AM, back to sleep, woke up about 6:30.  The cats get me out of bed yelling for their breakfast.  

I have been thinking some about the cats.  If I lose the house I will have to rehome most of the cats.  I believe the vet would take Biscuit, and he would be happy there except for a strict diet.  He did fine all the times I boarded him there, they are nice and like him.  They would be able to fix him if he got blocked again.  

Baby Girl and Spotty are both pretty social and would be good options, but I would feel horrible doing Baby Girl as she was Ron's cat.  She also growls/hisses/swipes if you pet her too much so probably can't adopt her out.  

Torbie is a sweetie anyone would love her; if I could find a senior cat rescue I think she'd be fine.  Then I have Cleo, who is half feral.  

So it looks like I end up with Baby Girl and Cleo.  They are just less adoptable.  I feel horrible even thinking about this but I have to plan.  I saw an animal cops type show one time a woman was a dog hoarder and had about 50 dogs.  They wanted her to pick 5 dogs to keep the rest were going to adoption.  She wanted to keep a young, sweet, dog and they told her not to, to keep the less desirable dogs because the young dog would be easily adopted.  So she picked a feeble, blind, older dog to keep instead.  

Baby Girl and Cleo would not do well in another home.  They do get along, I saw that last night.  Both have good litter box manners so a landlord would like them too.  

Just trying to cover my bases.  

I am depressed this morning but functional, seems to be the monthly theme.  I am going to take a shower, do my God Time, and then go to the cell phone store to get my phone repaired/replaced.  There is a grocery store I will have a look but will have to only buy what I can bring on the bus.  They do have some very good green tea drink mix which is incredibly light.  It would be nice if I could get on at the store but they weren't hiring.  I will keep "an eye peeled".  I am not going to look until I know I'm clear of the vending business; Thursday (next).  This week I need to work up the resume and finalize the list of references.  I will get it.  

I am not as emotional this week thinking about my job duties.  I was going to do a caregiver resume but I don't think I'm ready for that just yet.  Besides I don't plan to work in caregiving.  

I had a very odd phone call with Ron's friend Ed last night.  He has been calling every week or so, he keeps the blind community posted on what is going on as I process.  He was horrified Ron's family has been so awful to me.  Anyway he was asking me about dating.  It has only been two weeks!  He was disappointed when I told him I planned to wait at least 5 years, and then made some comment about how I could never think about Ron anymore once I was dating a new guy.  Bull.  When I am ready to date, not for a long time and not a guy almost 70 like Ron was - he's going to understand Ron was a huge part of my life.  I won't say never but I am pretty much done with older men, let me tell you.  

I read a comment, I don't believe it but some of it's true - older men want a purse or a nurse.  And won't they get excited when they hear about all I did for Ron.  But, like my grandmother said, I got to enjoy Ron while he was young.  There's a difference between marrying a youngish man and he declines vs. a guy who has already declined and needs assistance right in the marriage.  Not saying "never" but not even thinking in that direction right now.  

The way things are going I expect to be raptured before my 5 years are up, anyway.  In the meantime I need to process my grief and get my head straight.  I may decide I prefer being single like my grandmothers did (both were widowed young, neither remarried).   I may decide I want to remarry.  

If I do remarry he will be a strong Christian, love cats, hard worker, etc.  I will make my list when my 5 years are up.  

But I am dead serious about not dating for a long while.  I think an employer will be glad to hear it, too.  No dramas.  

I am still debating getting an urn or keeping the ashes in their cremation box.  

So, I'm back.  I took the bus up to the cell phone store.  The clerk kept asking me about Ron as his name is also on the account.  It was awkward but I didn't want to tell her he died.  

She said users of older phones have encountered my problem.  They (the company) didn't have a fix.  So I got a new phone (which does get messages).  It is a very nice, very thin, baseline model in rose gold.  It is pretty.  Happily I had Google up in my business so I had a google account on my old phone and everything updated to the new phone - I didn't have to enter a single phone number.  And my pictures are in the Google cloud so I had Ron as well.  

The postal workers passed the hat, raised a little over $100, that bought the new phone set up.  Now I can interview.  The phone was hungry so I have it on the charger.  It has about 10-11 hours talk time per charge not bad.  

Once I finished that up I went to the Middle eastern grill and got a samosa.  I didn't eat it, took it to the grocery store I might work at, and bought some instant tea mix, some chips, and a small package of honey buns.  These were little minis very cute.  I paid, the cashier seemed happy enough, and went out to wait on the bus.  

It was the same bus driver who dropped me, he didn't want any candy either time.  But the cell phone lady, cashier at the grocery store, and samosa guy all did.  I hope God will find me faithful in doing His work.  

I walked home.  The aggressive dog does not bark at other people but goes nuts when it hears me.  I am certain it is the cats, he can smell them on me.  I had my stun gun so not worried.  

I came home, it is nice and sunny, will sit in the sun again as my phone charges inside.  Someone left a message on my phone but they are not in my phone book - just said to call them with no number.  I didn't recognize the voice, either.  So they can call me back, send a text, or leave a message explaining just why they want me to call.  Didn't sound like an employer.  😂

I am running down my old cell phone and will give it to my aunt for her grandkids.  They like to play with dead cell phones pretending to talk on them.  I had one of those old fake telephones, there was a photo of me grinning at it as I picked up the handset, so I can relate.  

But I will need to remove the Uber app or they will be hailing rides!  

Wednesday afternoon

 Ron's nephew apparently read the blog post where I repeated Ron calling him ignorant.  He was very upset from what I saw, I didn't read the whole message and figured out a way to turn off getting them from him now.  Also, if you spy on someone you are likely to find things you don't like.  

Ron loved his family but he didn't much respect them, except his Dad (I loved his Dad).  Bill, my older stepbrother, used to say "Only the truth hurts".  I also found it more than a little disturbing the nephew was reading the blog.  It's not like any of them actually care about my well being.  

Well I have cut off contact now so that should be it.  I can live without the photos.  Ron would not want me getting hurt (going to use some slang) "behind" his pictures.  He would want me to move on.  Ron would probably not want me to keep the pictures I do have but I will.  

One last thought: if Ron said he was going to do something he did it.  He probably would have done it at the last minute 😂 but he would have done it; he wouldn't have played games.  I am sorry I let them do that at all.  

I miss him horribly.  I got rid of 95% of his stuff but I did keep the photos, his digital recorders (which should have his voice on them), and some blankets.  Also some cards from his wallet, an old ID card, his Metrolift card, etc.  I can put them in my wallet.  

I plan to keep my name.  Ron wanted me to have it and was proud for me to have it.  I do get a little tired of spelling it out every time I give it to someone.  I give the name and then spell it.  But I have to do the same thing with my street name and I'm not moving (I hope).  

I took a nap slept about an hour which is great, woke up with a headache which is not.  I decided to take aspirin and a Diet Dew.  We will see I do feel better.  I don't want to take the Bubital because I may have drug tests.  I would rather present as someone who does not have any issues than well sometimes I get these really bad headaches - not quite as employable you know.  

Ron had a dread terror of "sickly" employees.  While we had two major smokers they didn't let it affect them.  They did take a little longer to get over colds, though.  Pretty impressive as both ladies were in their 40's.  

Biscuit slept with me during my nap curled up at my side, very cute.  He is adorable.  My stepmother is quite eager to meet the cats but I doubt she will see Biscuit.  He is quite timid and all those strangers running a code on Ron as he lay dead didn't help.  Cleo is also timid, won't see her.  Will likely see: Baby Girl, Torbie, maybe Spotty.  I will make sure to get some delicious wet food she can feed them, which says "I'm a good person".  I have treats at each loveseat as well.  

Dad the cat hater gets a spray bottle he can use if anyone gets close.  I can see Torbie trying to charm him and Dad would hate that.  But hopefully Mom + Torbie can pair up for a little bit.  Torbie likes visitors.  Baby Girl may also make an appearance.  She has a cat tree she likes, over by the bear, one of those ones I got a couple years ago with one apartment on top of another and then a nice big top with a lip.  She likes the top.  

Ron's friend Ed called during my nap, I will call him back later.  I also need to call my parents.  

My aunt called she will be busy with grandchildren for a few days.  My phone, phone, still works (having problems opening texts) so I don't think I need to go to the store.  I can get there on the bus if I need.  As long as I can get the call "You got the job, come in for an interview, etc" I am not worried.  

I have a hamburger for dinner tonight.  Not the most exciting but it's filling and I can take my pills.  I have a lot of pot pies still in the freezer too.  I've always liked pot pies since I was a little kid and those new "bowls" that crisp the pastry in the microwave are awesome.  I don't have a lot of salty/sweet snacks but I don't "need" them, and, again, I can always go on the bus if I want.  I think I will do that tomorrow if it doesn't look like rain (did look like rain all day today and the heater ran several times as well).  I hate moody overcast at least right now.  The day Ron died it was lovely weather, partly cloudy, lots of sun, warm.  I had the door propped open for hours because I just felt confined and it helped.  I also worried about odor but Ron was pretty fresh when they took him.  

It will probably do me good to get out of the house as well.  I remind myself it has only been a couple weeks and it will get easier as time passes.  But it's a long road.  

That's it for now.  

Wednesday morning

 I wrote Ron's nephew a letter basically saying I don't want any contact due to him jerking me around over the death certificate and Ron's photos.  That was probably the payoff in his little game because he basically sent me an "oh, bless your heart" type of reply.  

But I stood up for myself.  I told him I wasn't stupid, I knew his mom would never give me a penny even if I wanted it.  (Between us - will it bring Ron back?  NO)  That she hated me and the family had never done anything to help, I had done it all on my own for 30 years (I rounded up).  That I wasn't asking for anything aside from the photos.  I also said I was sick of the games and would rather lose Ron's photos than continue to play, and that every smile he saw in those photos I took was directed at me.  

He had talked about all the "great" Ron photos he had which must have been the little photo books I gave my mother in law.  I know those are the ones he was talking about.  I didn't have digital photos back then but that is OK, I had Ron and they did not.  They never wanted him.  

So he can go tell his mother how I "acted crazy" or whatever and they can justify whatever they are doing.  That's fine I don't care about their opinions, certainly not now that Ron is dead.  I just said I know you have been playing games and I'm stopping it.  I also told him (Ron's sister) could get her own death certificate she is allowed as a sibling.  So that's done.  

Hopefully I am DONE with the (family name) and all their sick games.  This is one reason I never did a funeral.  I didn't want THEM showing up.  I did say they were welcome to leave the photos on my porch (they have the address) or work something out with my aunt.  

I had really hoped at least one of the family was redeemable and gave a damn about Ron.  Looks like I was wrong, it is sad but I am moving on.  I just don't need this in my life.  

I am washing all my thrift store clothes.  One of the blouses was almost $20, I missed that but it is very nice.  I am just super cheap and probably wouldn't have gone for it if I'd known.  But I could afford it and I hate to think what it would have cost new.  About $50 based on what I saw with a quick website peek.  

 One thing I don't get - I am very glad I am functional in all of this.  Very glad of this.  But I would have expected me to cry a lot more and be more emotional.  Instead the day of Ron's death I was calmly discussing his medical history with the providers.  My hands were shaking when I tried to write my number but I didn't even cry.  

Maybe because it had been coming a long time, his declining health and increasing alcohol usage kind of spelled disaster.  We could all see it coming.  Just not so quick.  

I talked to my aunt.  She is a sweet lady but a depressing conversation covering Ron's cause of death, probate, cremation timeline, and death certificates.  Kind of hard to be sprightly after that.  I feel 100% confident having her handle Ron's estate, and I feel bad that she has to, but I wouldn't know where to start.  I was glad I had all the important papers for her and could just hand them over without searching.  One thing she hasn't needed was a marriage license I still have that.  

It is really sad to think my marriage is over: "'till death" and he's dead so that breaks it.  That is really hard.  I did promise Ron I would remarry (he asked me to swear I would remarry, back in 1992)  but I am waiting at least 5 years before I even think about dating.  But I can now that is a very depressing thought.  I don't want to date.  I want to go in the other room and kiss Ron on his head.  

I'm going to go brood for a while.  

Very early Wednesday

 I slept OK again, I guess, not great, up at 4 again.  But I am getting some sleep and charging my battery.  

My phone isn't working it won't open text messages.  I will have to take it to the cell phone store.  Not exactly what I need, a half dead phone.  I did at least have time to transfer all my numbers to my paper phone book so I won't lose anyone.  I had a lot of sandwich delivery men in there.  Don't need them, but do need family numbers.  Also phone numbers for my references.  

I got my first load of clothes in the wash, the new stuff from Monday (well, new to me), about half of it.  Mainly pants, skirt, and a dress.  I am such a geek I actually do things like read the manual for the washer, and the care tags on the clothing, so a load on delicates/cold ought to do it.  

The clothes do smell like they came from a thrift shop but it's been my experience a trip through the washer fixes all that.  I also put in some of those scent beads as I don't have any underwear in there.  They should be fine.  Looks like most of them are hang dry so I will do that.  

No sense in ruining brand new (to me) clothes because I didn't treat them properly.  My aunt is concerned, I got a lot of black.  I look good in black and I can pair anything with it.  It's a good staple.  Plus feeling gloomy most days due to being widowed and all.  But the cat hair!  So she's going to get me a lint roller.  

If I let myself, I get completely overwhelmed.  But I am focusing on one foot in front of the other right now.  What is most important, and doing that.  Today I will try on, and wash, all my new clothes, and hang them up.  I also need to get my phone fixed.  

Or replaced I hope that is cheap.  While I have a little I don't want to spend it if I don't have to.  If I do replace I hope I can get a better camera.  My current camera is AWFUL especially with the flash; if you have seen one of the blurry photos you know what I'm talking about.  

It is just so strange to me I can't get up, walk in Ron's room, see him and take care of him.  That is he is lying on a slab somewhere if he hasn't been cremated yet.  But he's gone.  He left me.  That is a hard blow.  

I have been thinking about the timeline, though.  He had a bad back in high school, one of his vertebrae  did not grow in properly.  It is inherited so I am really glad we didn't have kids, Ron said it was agonizing.  It got better when he stopped growing.  Back was fine with a little chiropractic now and then up until about the time of the accident.  

Even after the accident his back was OK once he got his strength back.  Back to work he is lifting cases of water, pulling carts, etc.  About 5 years ago the back got worse, causing severe leg pain when he stood up.  So he went to a walker.  

That helped some.  He had the back operation.  Back to a walker and then a swift decline to a wheelchair.  More and more pain progressive getting worse until last year he is effectively bedridden.  

I am glad I can say I didn't run when he needed me.  

Nothing anyone could do, the pain doctor said, based on the MRI, Ron had a "jacked up back" and needed very invasive and extensive surgery, which he was not interested in doing.  

So I'm not sorry his pain is ended but I'm all alone and it really sucks to be me right now.  But I wouldn't take him back the way he was hurting, even the day he died he was grabbing his foot and shouting aloud with pain.  That's all over for him now.  

Me?  I had a nuke dropped on my life but I will recover with God's help.  He has not failed me yet in over 40 years.  It's going to be hard, though.  

Although I do have to admit finding the clothes was easy.  

Tuesday

 I went to the warehouse, got my supplies.  I had enough left over to buy a couple sodas and my ride home.  

Jack told me he had an appointment at 2 so I hurried, I got it all stocked but I didn't take any breaks.  I got it all done in time.  I told everyone how God had provided all the clothes for me, at the thrift store.  

We had time (and I still had the better part of a McDonald's gift card) so we went through a McD drive through.  Jack didn't hear me right so he ordered me 2 double cheeseburgers plus my McChicken, but when I heard it I didn't argue because one could be breakfast.  

ALWAYS such a blessing to have ready food.  We got through there pretty quick and then off to the house.  I ate my chicken sandwich and took my pills, then took a nap for about an hour and a half.  I woke up depressed but not extreme.  Things are just going to suck for a while.  

I got up, my aunt had a question about something for probate so I gave her the information.  She told me about her Doctor appointment (good) and said the cremation place had gotten the final papers to do Ron so he will likely be done tonight or tomorrow night, it's not a big facility and I know they want his space.  

I finished my God time (the intercessory prayer including praying for YOU) outside in the sun.  I called my brother back, he is worried.  He has lost people close to him so he gets it.  His cats are doing well now.  

My Dad is going to call me at some point.  Like my aunt, he has a very busy calendar.  I will see if he squeezes me in.  😛

I didn't "feel" like it but I felt I should at least try on some of my new clothes as the thrift shop didn't have a fitting room.  I managed to score several 24WP items which is exactly my pant size.  They all fit great.  I put them in the laundry room (I did one bag today, that will be a washer load).  I will try on the rest tomorrow.  They are all fantastic and the purse is perfect, huge enough for a pair of sneakers but not overly large.  I can wear sneakers to the interview place and then change into dress shoes before I go in the building.  So I got a lot done, happy about that.  

One of my friends I am using for a reference called me today.  I reminded him I will be giving out his number and he was fine with that.  He really feels for me losing Ron "like that".  I like him a lot and trust him to be fair.  

I also plan to use Ron's supervisors in the program as I feel an employer will be most interested in that.  I don't plan to use the other vendor - I may, but not at the top of the list like the other guys.  They will probably appreciate that.  

The machines looked good when I left.  I will be doing another supply run next week prior to the handover.  Ron would want me to finish "clean", the other vendor requested I leave the machines stocked, and the program rules say I have to leave inventory for the next guy.  All good reasons.  

Ron's boss was quite relieved when she called and I told her "I know I am out of the program" she was worried she would have to tell me.  No, I knew when Ron signed up it was only for him.  I did most of the work the last year but that was in Ron's name.   

I am debating how much to do for him when I bring the ashes.  My Dad made a statement I found rather alarming, "Aunt Sally" (his aunt) lost her husband after a long marriage.  She built a shrine to him right before she had her psychotic break, blaming my aunt for God knows what, and just living totally unhinged until she died.  

So now I am thinking, if I do a little corner for him, is that a shrine?  Is that obsessive?  I have flowers on the bookcase and thinking maybe an urn.  Too much?  Or just right.  And which urn if I go that route.  

Here are my contenders:  

https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B07B1G98P2/?coliid=I2AW8YPJFEG5M&colid=MEN0OZUC2AU3&psc=1&ref_=lv_ov_lig_dp_it

This one has a similar design to our wedding rings with the 3 grooves.  I like it for that.  Also understated and not gaudy (cherubs and all that).  

https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B07D4LVWVF/?coliid=II1R1I2JX03UB&colid=MEN0OZUC2AU3&psc=1&ref_=lv_ov_lig_dp_it  This one I like the classy etched cross.  Both are a lot cheaper than the cremation place.  

So if I get an urn it will be one of them.  I can put it next to the flowers on the bookcase.  I was thinking of also doing a photo too but that may be too much.  I only want one photo, the urn, and the flowers.  So maybe too much maybe not.  I don't plan on having a psychotic break (being very diligent about proper food, sleep, medication) though.  

That's it for now.  

Very early Tuesday

 I'm falling asleep OK.  Usually don't wake up in the middle of the night.  But the dreams are still bad.  

I had one about a nuclear disaster last night, I was trying to get people out.  Nuclear is a pretty good analogy for what happened in my life.  A lot of fallout.  

I got up (it was about to rain, anyway, which would have kept me up, and I try not to lie in bed and brood), fed the cats some wet food.  About to feed them some dry in addition.  Biscuit likes to lap up the extra gravy and it's a turkey flavor so not likely to give him crystals.  He is OK with some every couple weeks.  

But they will have dry for snacking when I'm gone.  They all like the dry; Biscuit is healthy so it works.  I think the real secret: don't feed a male cat any sort of food with fish in it.  It's just not good for them.  All 3 of my FLUTD cats had eaten fishy dry food (Biscuit had wet salmon food in addition) before they got sick.  They sure like that turkey wet food.  Friskies turkey pate with extra gravy.  They used to have a turkey extra gravy with shreds/chunks which was easier to feed but the cats are not complaining.  Baby Girl is very cute and "buries" her food when she is done eating.  

So I feel like a good Mom.  Ron would not want the cats to suffer because I am mourning.  They have started sleeping with me again, they love his blanket which I have on my bed.  It is still pretty cool at night (50's) so I can use it.  Hopefully I won't "need" the blanket by summer time.  

It's just hard I miss him a lot.  I second guess things I did and thoughts I had about him.  I don't blame him for going when he did he was in a lot of pain.  I wish they had found a simple cause of death.  But I'm glad whatever got him was quick and peaceful.  

And it wasn't me when my aunt asked one of the morgue workers to see Ron's body they said "You can't, but he looks very peaceful".  I don't know why they let me sit next to him, hold his dead hand (not a memory I relish), cover him with a blanket, and put a pillow under his head but she couldn't walk in and look at him.  Maybe because I was already on the scene.  

But he's dead and that was very obvious to me looking at him.  Even the first time.  I did what I could regardless but he had been gone for a while.  I feel better knowing where he is.  Both in heaven and the crematory.  

God took Ron for a lot of reasons.  He was starting to need more and more care.  I felt less and less comfortable about leaving him; pretty soon he would need a full time helper or a placement.  I have also been completely guilty of idolatry putting Ron above God on many occasions.  God doesn't like that.  But the primary reason he was in a lot of pain and it was his time to go.  

I still would have married him only knowing he would make it to 66.  I am glad we did something special for his birthday and got delicious food delivered.  I would have kissed him again on his head, gotten another hug, even though hugs were hard for him.  He couldn't really hug with his bad arm for 18 years.  But we managed and he knew I loved him.  

That's it for now.  

God has my back, Monday.

 I was thinking about this Bible verse this morning:  Matthew Chapter 628 “So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; 29 and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not [c]arrayed like one of these.

Today I found, at a thrift store (some new with tags), 8 pairs of pants, 6 blouses (plus one from Walmart), one skirt, one dress, and a large purse, for $120! Two pair dress shoes from Walmart for another $30 and I am done, stick a fork in me.

I slept OK but woke up horribly depressed. I was really glad I am taking my shower at night because it would have been difficult. I went to work. The other vendors are eager to take over my machines, it is depressing.

I did get a card with some donations from the Postal Workers, which I appreciate. I have all the cards in a basket I can look at them on my days off when I am down. I took the money out of the machines and counted it, a little for me, enough for inventory tomorrow.

My aunt picked me up and I went to the bank, did my business, and then we went by the cremation place. It was much smaller than I expected I doubt they have a lot of "residents". It was odd to think Ron was in there. But I wouldn't want to see him like that. We got a snack and then went to the Post Office to get my mail. The clerk knows me so well she didn't need my address. I thought that was funny. I got a couple more cards, and, surprisingly, a very nice letter from the talking book program. We went to Walmart to look for professional clothes. I found a cute rose and mauve vertical striped blouse but nothing really feasible for work/interviews. Unfortunately at a 24 I have very limited options. They had tons of 22's though. Good to know.

My aunt said maybe a thrift store, looked on her phone. Hey, there's one not far away, let's have a look - where I got my haul. They had up to 5x I was really impressed. Most thrift stores simply don't have plus sizes. She played fashion police. We had quite the haul.

I even found a large fake leather tote. I will be wearing sneakers to ride the bus and can carry my dress shoes (more on that in a sec) in the bag, then when I get to the place put on the dress shoes and put the sneakers in the bag (it is big enough). That is much more appropriate than my "Fruit and vegetable" tote bags from Walmart and only $6. Many of the items I chose were also the color of the day.

Many thrift stores tag each item with a color of the day, and as they age they put the "older" colors at a 50% discount. Today's color was orange and several of my items got a discount. That was great. I got a whole wardrobe for NOTHING.

My aunt was starving so we got something to eat, then went back to Walmart for dress shoes. I found 2 very nice pair for $30. I was impressed Walmart had a lot of wide shoes for women. I am a wide. We came home after that. I called my Dad, let him know the good news. He worries about me and is always glad to hear of God's provision. I KNEW God had me on the clothes thing. 👍

I took a shower and shaved my legs so I don't have to hassle with that tomorrow. I think mornings are bad because I used to get up and first thing take care of Ron. Now I just lie in bed with the cats after I turn off the alarm. It is the hardest part of my day. So that's done.

I am going to finish my God Time in a minute. I accidentally ordered a whole box full of teriyaki chicken meat for lunch. It was very good but I am still full! I can wait on eating to take my pills in an hour or so.

Tomorrow Jack and I go to Sam's club, get inventory, and then I stock. I took Ron's photos out of the vending machines today. It was sad but not awful. Mornings, though... ugh.

Anyway that's it for the day. I had a moderate headache all day but managed to get through the day in spite of it. I probably had too much caffeine so we will see how I sleep tonight.

Well, it's getting more obvious.

Ron's nephew contacted me again wanting "the death certificate the funeral home can do it not the state one".  There is only one death certificate per my aunt.  She is married to a Yale lawyer, I'm going to believe her.  

I told him they don't have cause of death.  And then I told him to call my aunt I don't envy her that one.  He abruptly ended the conversation. I think all his sincerity has just been a ploy to get the money.  He keeps saying "he wants it to go to me" but then says the policy names his mother the beneficiary.  

Ron's sister is a very selfish, greedy, woman.  Her last in person interaction she went into his hospital room at night screaming at him, as Ron begged her to stop, because Ron had told his Dad he wanted to go home with me, and had told his brother to treat me with "the respect due Ron's wife".  Neither of them ever managed that, let me tell you!  No way is she going to hand over a thousand dollars to me.  Assuming the policy is even valid.  

I texted my aunt giving her a heads up.  I also asked her not to divulge the name of the crematory as I don't want the (family name)'s meddling with that.  They can get the certificate on their own from the state when the official cause of death is found.  They don't "need" the money.  They had no idea Ron died until his nephew found out on Facebook.  They only care about the money, I doubt they have shed a tear.  And probably plenty of finger pointing in my direction as well.  They never liked me.  

Ron wanted 2 things from them: treat Heather with respect and call me now and then.  The last time Ron talked to his sister on the phone she asked him why he was "talking funny" very derisive and Ron reminded her he had a stroke that affected his speech.  They all blocked his number so he stopped calling some years back.  I told him I found it very upsetting watching him try to call and then get depressed.  But when we called his mother some years back on my (new) cell phone she picked right up.  When she found out it was Ron she said she had to go, hung up, and they no longer answered my number either.  

They treated him horribly and that made him so sad.  Now picking at the carcass.  Ron would be furious.  

Ron would also want me to forgive them and I do.  I left a final message for the nephew he can deal with my aunt from now on, if he wants to get me the photos he has the address to drop on the porch or mail them.  And I unfriended him.  It is obvious he is trying to use me to get a payoff.  Ron wouldn't want him jerking me around (I didn't say that).  

I can't have (family name) jerking me around in my worst hour.  I don't need it.  They don't give a crap about me.  Never have.  They resented me.  They are not out for my best interest now.  They play sick games.  Ron is dead.  I don't have to suck up to them anymore.  

And I won't I need supportive people in my life, those who are going to love me and hold me up to God in their prayers.  NOT getting that from the (family name)'s.  

I forgive them they did have a hard time coming up, but I don't have to sign up for abuse either.  And I won't.  If I get the pictures, great, but it is apparent they are being used as a bargaining chip and Ron would not want me to play.  

He talked to this nephew a few days before he died and when he hung up he said (translation to socially acceptable phrase Blogger will permit) "He's ignorant".   Ron was NOT impressed.  

Edit, the nephew left me an irate message on Facebook when he found out I had unfriended him.  I can't help but feel like I made the right call.  I am the widow - Ron hadn't even spoken to this guy in decades.  I am grieving.  I deserve better than to be jerked around by greedy people looking to profit off Ron's death.  I'm sorry I put anything on Facebook or even accepted his "friend" request to begin with.  

And there's the worry...

 So depressed this morning, pushed through, swept and mopped the floor.  I used the store brand lavender cleaner it has no associations for me scent wise.  I like lavender though.  

I did my God Time, I mopped the whole house and then went and mopped the concrete in Ron's room, it has stains on the floor.  The stains didn't come up but the floor doesn't feel as gritty under my bare feet and the lavender fragrance will help the ambiance.  Now Carlos can lay the new floor when I'm ready (going to be a long while I have to get a job and save up first).  And the room doesn't remind me of Ron anymore except for the finger marks on the wall I could probably clean those off sometime.  

I am battling worry.  I have a lot to worry about.  My whole existence is pretty precarious right now.  Will the mortgage insurance pay off?  When will they find a cause of death?  Did I screw up somehow and that's how he died?  (doubtful but nagging that one).  When will they cremate him and I get my cremains?   Am I ever going to get those photos?  

And where am I going to work how will I get there will they be decent to me?  Will I have to move?  All sorts of worries.  But I am shoving them aside because God has me.  

So, today I cleaned the house and did my God Time.  Focus on that.  I may do resume later.  

I bought some Loratadine (Claratin) tablets and am taking those now.  I had pretty good allergy management on the loratadine so I will just take that for now.  Still using my nasal spray it does help but is unpleasant.  

The house smelled very nicely of lavender until Biscuit came off the bed and left a deposit in the litter box.  Now the house smells like cat poop.  If I am diligent I may scoop now vs. later.  It's only 53 outside so I won't be going out to sit in the sun.  

We had some lovely weather around when Ron died but it is more a cold spring now.  I am going to take a shower tonight so I don't have to do it in the morning.  I plan to take the bus in the morning and then Jack after because I have to run errands.  Jack needs the money and my aunt can only do so much.  So Jack can take me to the bank and post office, maybe Walmart depends on what I need.  

I also need to make a spreadsheet with prices so I can do the transfer to the other vendor at the end of the month.  So I have things to do, and I have to work in that resume...

I do better when I'm busy.  I do worry I am shoving it all down I have not cried for more than a couple minutes at a time since Ron died... I don't think that is normal but I don't see a way to let myself go right now.  But I worry it will show up during a job interview or something.  But I am sad, feeling that for sure...so maybe I am OK I'm just not a big weeper these days.  

That's it for now.  

Early Sunday

 My husband is dead.  

I realize that every morning as I wake up and that is without a doubt the worst part of my day.  It's awful.  

I can get through the rest of the day OK and even sleep alright most nights - getting enough sleep to charge my battery - but that moment is just the worst.  

My Dad is coming out next month just bought the tickets last night.  I know enough that he'll save a lot of money planning in advance, so I gave him the OK for the middle of April.  I am glad I cleaned up the house so there won't be much to do to prepare for them (they will stay at my aunt's house).  

I am glad I got rid of 99% of Ron's stuff.  I did keep a couple of digital recorders, some flash drives with his music, a couple of blankets, and his wedding ring.  And of course all the photos.  That's all I need.  

I don't want to be like those hoarders with a house full of stuff belonging to their deceased loved one.  I don't need that to remember him.  

Someone threw up on the couch.  I have a towel down for times like this, also if Ron had a problem sitting on the couch, etc.  Once something gets into the couch it is finished.  So I always have a towel (also unpredictable cycles for me).  So I just scraped the puke off the towel and threw it, and another towel I keep on my chair, in the wash.  The orange towels bleed so I can only wash them with another orange towel.  And I have to have 2 for balance on that spin cycle.  

That always used to freak Ron out, if the washer got unbalanced and was making that thumping noise he would scream.  It happened a lot with those washable bed pads one reason I had no problem donating them.  Also I have good bladder control.  😉

Not sorry I donated as much as I did.  Ron liked a plain pocket t in neutral colors, I had a lot in medium and large.  My aunt and uncle kept some for my uncle I don't mind I wanted them to be used.  Everything else got donated to Christian ministries, like my home care stuff.  I don't miss the ramp at all it was so loud when I walked on it, I'm sure #6 hated it.  

The cats are good and ate breakfast.  It is good for me to have them to care for, and to love on me.  I can see why people move there are so many memories and I expect him right around the corner.  That's one thing that surprised me, several people asked if I was moving and I said no.  I mean it.  

Ron used to say 😂 "I'm going to die in this house! (I'll never move)"  And damned if he didn't.  He would have been thrilled he died at home, and quick.  He always hated hospitals and those beeping machines.  He had a DNR and he meant it.  

I am glad I stopped the revival efforts when I did.  He would not have wanted that.  I gave him over half an hour to come back but when he didn't I felt peace about stopping it.  And I knew pretty much looking at him he was dead - from that first moment.  I went to "Oh no" and trying to rouse him, to calling 911 and trying CPR myself (I was trained).  But I could tell looking at him he was starting to get lividity (think that is the term) and his lips were white.  I had never seen him with white lips not even when he was in ICU.  So I knew.  He did look very peaceful, arms at his sides.  But completely unexpected.  

I always thought there would be a final illness, hospital, time to say goodbye but there was not.  I am glad I took his last call he was very jovial and happy.  That's how I want to remember him.  

Plan today is to sweep and mop the house.  That should take a while.  I am going to take my shower after because I tend to sweat a little when doing vigorous house work.  I do need to shave my legs when I do.  We are getting into the warm season and I need to stay on top of that especially job hunting.  

I don't want to look like I am depressed.  Sad, yes, but not suicidal.  

At some point I need to get some interview clothes as all I have are denims and tshirts.  Maybe later this week.  I have been this clothing size for about 10 years so feel OK buying clothes for it.  

That's it for now.  

Cover letter

 It's too soon for a resume, I tried and kept shutting down.  

So I worked on a cover letter.  

Dear Potential Employer,

Hopefully my loss can be your gain. I have worked retail for over 25 years, 23 years of office work, and 28 years of customer service, but I still have plenty of energy left to give your organization. I have worked retail and office jobs since 1992. In 2001 I went to work for my husband, who was a member of the blind vendors program (you can google Randolph-Shepherd act if curious). I assisted with customer service, stocking, receiving orders, complaints/refunds, cash handling, banking, accounting, you name it. We even ran a deli for a few years, I did all the food prep and assisted in the hiring process as well. I enjoy all of it and am a hard worker. I had to work odd hours and am NOT one to whine if you need me to work late, overnights, or weekends.

Sadly, my husband died recently and I can no longer participate in the program as I am sighted. I find myself looking for a new job and hope you will consider making me a member of your organization. I am willing, able, honest (I did all the cash handling, deposits, etc. for 20 years), I don't mind manual labor if required or I can ride a desk all day. I am reliable, I understand my employer is depending on me. As I am now single I have no obligations at home that will interfere with my work life.

I hope you will give me a chance.

Sincerely,

I like it.  It addresses some employer concerns: Is Heather used up?  Can Heather work nights and weekends?  Is Heather honest/reliable/dependable?  Does Heather have other obligations that would interfere?  (That was a big reason I didn't job hunt while Ron was alive he would have come first)

That's what I've got so far.  I will keep chipping away at the resumes doing a line or two at a time.  They should be done in a few days.  I plan to do a retail one, customer service, and a caregiver one just for giggles.  I have some leads I will follow.  One is a place that actually gave me a job offer back in 2000 but I stupidly turned it down.  

The guys are coming to do something to the door (it seems fine?) I have cold drinks in the fridge if they want them.  

That's it for now.  

Cutest EVER babies

The teal blanket belonged to Ron.  Cleo, Torbie, Biscuit.

Very early Saturday

 I slept AWFUL last night, complete with nightmares Ron was cheating on me.  Just miserable I woke up so sad and angry.  

I was going to do my cleaning tomorrow but I was upset enough I started cleaning the toilet, today.  I used up the last of "Ron's" toilet bowl cleaner, not quite enough to go around the rim.  I will finish that flush, and then do a load with one of my "with bleach" gel toilet bowl cleaners.  Also plan to organize cleaning supplies.  Did that.  

I loved my Lysol Clean and Fresh, which has antibacterial properties, but I used it on the floor cleaning up after Ron died.  I don't think I am ready to smell that fragrance any time soon.  That's why I got the store brand "loud" smelling lavender for tomorrow that is totally out of what Ron would have liked.  I like lavender and I'm sure I will find it pleasant.  

If I had thought it out I would have bought some mango or otherwise scented floor cleaner, used that on the floor after Ron died, and then gotten rid of it.  

The cats were awesome they really like Ron's blanket on my bed.  Spotty got up into bed with me for a while after I woke up.  Then he used the litter box in Ron's room so now his room smells like cat waste.  I will scoop before the guys come over today.  

Someone on my Facebook is putting up old time photos of "healing ministries" from the 1950's.  It reminded me of a story Ron told of one of those "crusades" on TV his mother called him in from play and had him kneel on the floor in front of the television while she put her hands on him, trying to "heal" him.  It really planted some seeds of disappointment for Ron.  

Sometimes God's will is healing, like after the accident all the doctors were using the word "miracle".  Sometimes God's will is not healing, like the last 5 years.  Sometimes God evacuates via angels (death), like 2 weeks ago.  I will say Ron had the most peaceful expression.  

If I hadn't seen 1 too many dead people photos in the caregiver group I might have taken a picture.  But I didn't like looking at them and felt others would feel the same.  

Apparently because Ron died in the county and no cause of death yet, the crematory has to get special permits to "do" him.  I have faith in them they want to get him done because right now he is taking up space.  It just means I wait longer, is all.  But they said it could be a month and it has only been a week since they got him.  

I would like to think I am a patient woman that is up for you to decide.   

Back to healing and God, I am very proud about how I handled the first days after Ron's accident, when I was in the ICU waiting room I asked God for His will, whatever that was, because He knew best for both me and Ron.  I continued and only ever asked for that until it was obvious God's will was Ron's healing (at least for a while).  So I prayed for his recovery as he improved.  But I never went into it asking God to restore Ron until I was 1000% sure that was His will.  

That is why I will often pray for "accurate diagnosis and treatment" for ill friends vs. "complete healing" because, sometimes like Paul, God gives us a "thorn" to keep our eyes on Him.  It is a very natural human trait to want to do it all on our own and take all the credit, that is not what God wants.  It is not for me to know so I just ask for an accurate diagnosis.  

Me, for instance, I did not know I was bipolar despite many trips to the doctor because I didn't have an accurate diagnosis.  Once I had that, and medication, my life did a 180 and I was able to do a lot more.  Accurate diagnosis is very important.  

But I would never tell someone God WOULD heal them because we don't know God's will.  Ron could only reach all the paratransit drivers and dispatchers because he was messed up enough to qualify for the service.  He could only be in the blind vendor program as long as he was blind.  Only evangelize the pain doctor if he was in enough pain to consider a visit.  

I don't ask God why Ron had to suffer; I get that.  His problems opened doors to evangelism.  Same with my problems; they are not doors, they're keys.  

I will feel a lot better when I have a new job in hand.  I have great faith God has something for me I just need to be patient and find it.  In the meantime I close out the business.  

The other vendor is going to make a lot of changes which will not be welcome.  We were selling a 16.9 ounce bottled soda for $1.25, they have already said that is going away and they are doing a 20 ounce for $1.75.  I doubt they will carry the pop tarts or the plain ruffles either.  But I will mention it.  The customers can talk and ask for stuff they want.  It won't be my job anymore.  

A couple people have asked me why they didn't hire me.  I asked God to close that door if it was not His will.  Clearly, it wasn't.  God has an open door for me I just need to find it.  

That's it for now.  

I have his wedding ring

 Ron's wedding ring had gotten too tight and I asked him not to wear it, worried it would get stuck.  He put it in a small container with a screw top lid, had some flash drives in there too.  All the cleaning and I could not find it.  I just assumed it had been thrown away.  

I had a pretty rough morning and then my aunt and uncle came over to tear out the carpet and finish the room.  I said OK I didn't feel like it but I doubted I ever would.  

And, cleaning off the bookcase, I found the ring and a couple of flash drives with his music.  I threw out the rest of the trash and the trash pickers were taking it before it hit the curb.  One guy told me the computer case was worth a thousand dollars.  Riiight.  I said you can have it, nicely, and meant it.  I put the ring on a chain around my neck and that's where it is now.  

I had the room pretty empty when they showed and they got rid of the carpet, my uncle took out the carpet, padding (there was a definite odor in some of the padding), and the tack strips?  The wood strips with the nails in them, go at the edge of the room?  The trash pickers took the computer case, old monitor, and will likely take the bookcase as well.  I always hated that bookcase.  I have the ring and the flash drives with his music.  We had different tastes in music but I have it now if I want to listen sometime.  It is a nice option and very compact.  

Only the sanitation workers are taking that carpet though it was filthy, stained, stank, and full of dust.  I am surprised my allergies are not worse.  They managed to make 3 rolls tied up about 4 feet long, so should be OK on trash day.  I am allowed 4 items total so that plus the can keeps me legit.  And that is it, the room is basically empty.  I have a few things in the closet, and the home care towels and that's it.  I need to mop the concrete.  

Then we went out for a late lunch.  Ron would have been mad I didn't pay.  I had a quesadilla and they had some of the specialty plates.  They asked if I needed anything and I did a quick trip to Walmart.  I needed toilet bowl cleaner, and floor cleaner.  

I couldn't decide on the toilet bowl so I got both.  Same with the floor cleaner, they had the Lysol clean and fresh lemon which I used to use exclusively but thinking that fragrance might make me depressed.  So I got some fake lavender floor cleaner Ron would have hated that won't have any triggers.  I don't need any disinfecting style even though the clean and fresh does that.  I actually used the Clean and Fresh to clean the floor where Ron lay after he died.  See why I may think it's a trigger?  But it's a good floor cleaner so I have it.  

We came home, said goodbye and they left.  I put my cleansers away, and my food.  I called my parents and took a shower (too depressed to do it this morning).  I'm going to bed in a couple of hours.  Also running a load of clothes in the washer, my hoodie got filthy taking out Ron's table - and that old man couldn't wait to get the table too even though the top is really dirty.  When he gets it home he will discover a pretty nasty wobble to it, Ron fell into it, drunk, a few times over the years.  But that is his problem and not mine.  

So a pretty busy day.  That's it for now.  

Friday

 I've been thinking about the fact both of my grandmothers were widowed at pretty young ages.  My paternal grandmother was about my age when she lost her husband to a brain bleed; my maternal grandmother lost him very early, in her 20's.  My maternal grandfather died in a plane crash.  It sent her off a cliff with mental illness and she was never the same, died very bitter and paranoid.  It's sad.  

My paternal grandmother handled it a lot better; having faith was a big part of it I think.  She never remarried though.  

My aunt had to help out one of her sons today so I likely won't see her.  

I had a bad night for grieving so I got Ron's sherpa blanket (he adored that thing and slept with it virtually every day since the day it arrived from Amazon) and slept with that last night.  I slept better but not great.  I have 2 of Ron's blankets in my bed now.  Don't know what I will do this summer.  

I had 3 cats, Biscuit, Torbie, and Cleo last night that was comforting.  When I woke up Cleo was sleeping on the blanket I used to cover Ron after they declared him dead.  and that sentence was hard to type.  

Anyway I was glad to see Cleo getting some comfort.  I have seen all the cats sleeping on or around that blanket.  Glad the morgue people left it.  My understanding everything on a dead person goes to the morgue but I guess a fleece blanket did not count.  I would have liked Ron to have a blanket until his cremation but COVID put an end to that idea.  So they left the blanket, it smells like Ron (to the cats I smell nothing).  

Ron was, happily, fresh when I found him and they took him pretty quick.  So I didn't have to deal with rigor or odors.  Thank God for that.  

Sometimes it is so bad you have to call a crime scene cleanup crew.  I read an article about them some time ago.  Nothing my Lysol floor cleaner couldn't handle.  (Well technically I did disinfecting wipes and then the mop several times).  

Anyway I am glad the cats like the blanket I will leave that out.  We will get rid of the carpet likely next weekend.  That should eliminate the last of the pissy odors in the house.  

Carpet is just a bad idea with a feeble senior.  Just a really bad combination some sort of hard floor is best.  I will be glad when I get the carpet out even though it means bare concrete for some time.  Then I can save up and redo the drywall, paint it turquoise like I always wanted, and do the flooring to match the other rooms.  Then I can put some bright yellow accents I think that will be very cheerful.  

Today I did the computers.  Ron had an empty computer case (took out hard drive) so I took that out to the curb.  I put his 2 computers in the garage.  I put my old computer in the garage.  So I did that, glad of it but hard to see it happen.  Then I got rid of his speakers.  I remember the night he bought them he walked all around the house with the speakers at various volumes so he could tell how much was too loud, and would bother the neighbors.  He was very considerate like that.  The speakers were pretty shot anyway and my Creative ones work very well so I'm not inclined to change them.  I spent about $40 on mine at Fry's some years ago and they have been very nice.  They are over 10 years old.  Creative is a good brand for speakers.  

So I am taking a break for now I am slowly chipping away at all the "Ron" in the house.  I know some people in the widows group said they couldn't get rid of anything but I couldn't wait.  It is just painful to /see all the reminders, like that mattress "Hey, Heather, Ron DIED on me".  No thanks.  It is easier to pass by and see an empty room.  

I think some are like me and do a big purge, others want to hang on to everything.  Ron's gone all I want are the ashes and a few blankets for the cats and me.  I mean, he's gone.  Stuff isn't going to bring him back.  

I did have one really odd transaction with someone.  She is a friend of a Facebook friend, was reading my posts, I think following me which is fine.  I mean I wouldn't have a public blog if I wasn't OK with that.  

But she sent me a private message asking if she could move in!  I don't even KNOW this woman.  I am raw and bleeding, my heart is torn in half, the last thing I want is a stranger in my house.  In Ron's room.  No way.  Besides I had to wonder why no one else would help her.  

If I had to I know my brother and sister (separate houses) would take me in if I got into a jam.  

So I found that odd.  Other than that everyone has been nice but still not turning on comments.  If I had abusive comments when Ron was alive I can only imagine what I'd get these days.  And I am raw.  

If I let myself I get really upset at Ron's family 1.  Greedy and 2.  Lying to me about the photos.  It would have been much kinder to say "We have photos of Ron but you're not getting them" than to play games with me "I'm bringing it... no I'm not" again and again.  

But I will tell him either leave them on my porch or give them to my aunt.  At any rate I have many lovely photos of Ron.  I am really warmed by the ones of us together.  I doubt his family kept many of those.  If any.  😂  Ron and I were always very close and that bothered them.  

I remember his sister shouting at me because I sat down on a couch next to Ron at a family function.  I looked around and none of the married couples were sitting together.  I thought that was sad, and continued to sit with Ron.  She made snarky comments about that to my aunt when they first met.  

Anyway his family had no love for me and that is consistent.  I like to think I made Ron happy and safe (especially at the end).  He remarked to me again and again I had no idea how much what I did, meant to him.  I hang onto that; that matters.  Stupid head games from his family just prove we were right to have them out of our lives.  

It is sunny today but cold and windy, the kind of day that would have been bad for Ron's pain levels.  I am glad he is not hurting and I will stick to that until the day *I* die but I do miss him horribly.