I had a mild headache which is probably the barra de coco. But worth it I LOVE those things. It really hits my sweet tooth. I did not need to know that Walmart had them, though.
Anyway I slept pretty well except for the headache, cats were hungry when I got up. I drank a couple diet dews and got going. Ron was still asleep. No shower yet I am not feeling it (still depressed, but took my pills).
Cleo just came over and meowed at me! She very seldom does that so she got some treats. She doesn't even meow when hungry, but she must have really wanted some treats. Happy to oblige.
Ron was sleeping very quietly he has a radio with a headphone jack, he can listen quietly while I sleep. He listens to various things, conservative talk shows, coast to coast radio, etc.
I calculated my budget (pitiful, but Ron said I can take some money from savings), got online and paid the homeowner's fee. That was $85 but I only have 2 more payments after this. It went through OK this time, I had troubles with the interface before. I sent my parents some bean seasoning mix I had told them I would do that a while ago.
It was funny, I can buy the 3 ounce jar locally for less than $3. But online the same jar is $9, and a pound is $13. So I got the pound, they will like it. She did mention she needed a way to cook the beans in her pantry and it makes everything delicious.
If she doesn't want it all she can give some to my stepbrother who is a pretty serious cook. He and his wife both are. She is busy making gourmet bbq sauces right now as near as I can tell, today.
That is good food was pretty bland growing up. And that is being gentle. Dad was always a huge fan of his wife's cooking. I think some of it he was just glad she was up in the clean house cooking him a meal when he got home. My mother wasn't often that capable.
I was sitting at Walmart looking at the mothers with the kids yesterday, I had a little wait on Arturo but that's OK because he is reliable and helps with the groceries. So I saw a lot of families, mainly mothers with kids.
And I sat there wondering "Why couldn't my mother love me?" Was the illness just that bad? Was it the alcohol in addition? The fact she had already lost a child and did not want to bond again? I remember how she never visited.
Once or twice I was present when someone would go off on my Dad for "refusing" her visitation, even though she willingly surrendered custody - and who does that? Anyway he would always tell them "She is welcome to visit Heather as long as she is sober" so I very seldom saw her.
Then, when she did visit there was always the buildup where people would tell me "she was sick and not like a regular Mommy" etc. "You have to be understanding" which is a CRAP thing to say to a child (her friend told me that).
Then I would walk in the room she would fall on me, "Oh, my Baby" waterworks, she would eventually calm down a little, give me a snack, and then time to go. Waterworks again "Oh, my Baby" and I wouldn't see her for years.
My half sister did not like how my Dad treated her and her mother - had some things to say about him and the marriage, but never once said Dad refused visitation. My mother could have come whenever she wanted. So if I was so important wouldn't she have been there every week? Fighting to get summers and Christmas? Thanksgiving?
It really made me feel second class. My friends some of them their parents went to court and had vicious battles for the kids' time. Every time I saw her I had to console her. It just wasn't right.
It did a really good job of making me feel unlovable. Especially when coupled with later events in my Dad's house, where it was always made clear to me I came in dead last. I can only think of one occasion when I didn't.
I had a very severe depression when I hit puberty, worse than normal. I didn't even know what day it was. They put me on Prozac, back then they didn't know it could make things worse. It did, I became fiercely suicidal.
I finally went to the school counselor and told him I had planned to commit suicide that morning, and gave him my bottle of pills. Boy, that got the ball rolling.
When told about this, my Dad actually left work early (the only time he ever did) and came to meet me, rode with me in the ambulance when they took me to the hospital, got me some snacks, etc. Very concerned and devoted. It meant a lot. I will have to tell him this.
But that's the only time I felt I came first.
Should I have been at the center of anyone's universe? No, but when Ron offered to make me his it was irresistible.
The good news they eventually figured out the prozac was making kids suicidal and they started doing black box warnings. When I was in the hospital I met 3 people who had been raped. That helped put things in perspective.
I plan to take it easy today, I got the bills paid and that was #1. Water, electric (Ron got the gas, mortgage, and cable), homeowners, etc. I have lots of cat food so I don't have to worry if I need to stay home for a while. I need to finish a load of clothes but that doesn't have to happen right now.
I sent a little gift to the parents so that's good. I don't generally "do" mother's or father's day. But I do call every week and they say that is a big deal. Hopefully they will enjoy it and it only cost $13 if they don't.
That's it for now.
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