I didn't sleep great Ron woke me up a few times needing help, but I do feel I am having fewer hot flashes. The great thing for me, the herbs have no side effects and are very affordable. If I really like the results I will put them on automatic delivery. Menopause is a normal thing I just need to ride the wave.
Ron gets the day off for a bath, and physical therapy, but I will give him his vitamin later.
We had an interesting discussion last night when I was having him practice sitting up in bed (has become more difficult). He asked why he had to do this.
"Because I want to know you can get yourself to the toilet with no problem, when I am at Walmart". Oh, he said.
"That's my goal, I want you to move around comfortably". I also mentioned if he couldn't do certain things that puts him at higher risk of a placement and none of us want that. I want to feel comfortable leaving him to go to work or Walmart, because there are things I need to do out of the house.
I don't think we're at the stage of needing a helper just yet, apparently there are a lot of listings on Nextdoor for people who can sit with a loved one or people who need helpers. Ron is pretty easy overall but can use some help with a few things. Like, someone to hold the wheelchair when he gets into it.
But I will pray on that. One thing the flood did was help me purge out my home, the theft of the valuables. I really have nothing, anyone wants to steal. I have a password on my computer. I have the important papers in a secure place, although I doubt anyone wants my marriage license. So I am actually OK having people here now I don't think I will get the hate I might have before. I feel like the social worker could walk in any moment and be pleased. I think I'm at a good level for housekeeping. I sweep and mop regularly, lint brush the couches, do bedding on a regular basis, dishes, and clothes.
I remember her voice as she asked did I do all the cooking, housekeeping, pet care, and Ron care. Plus help him at work. If something happens to me at least she knows what she has to replace.
I talked to my parents last night, she thinks she might have been sick back in February. It's possible; Dad is skeptical but the virus was all over the West coast back then.
Do you know we call it the "Third Coast" in Houston? East coast, West coats, Third coast. I think that is cool. Anyway some of their friends have gotten sick and died, but they are staying home.
That's about all you can do right now, that and wear a mask. Oh, I hate the mask. So does Ron.
I took a break and had some Cleo time, she likes to get up on the couch with me for petting and attention. She finally ditched me for her food bowl.
I try to focus on the person I am with (I count cats as persons), not get distracted by cell phone, computer, etc. One reason I will not get a laptop, if someone sent me one I would use it but day to day I am happy with the desktop.
But I was sitting on the couch petting her, not really making eye contact, and it got me thinking about that. I don't make a lot of eye contact.
I think part of that is just being neglected so severely as an infant. There was no one around to interact or care for me, for long stretches of time. That went on until I was 2 then I was put in daycare (they did not have infant daycare back then, at least not that my Dad could find). But I think it did some damage.
One aspect of that is eye contact. I am just NOT good at it. It is ironic I married a blind man and no eye contact with him, ever. I look at his face when I talk to him, though. He also needs me to "point" at his head so he can hear me better.
He is snoring away right now, though.
So I am not good at non verbal interaction, I think, I try to work on it but it is very hard to practice something that is seen as instinctual by others. I'm not a serial killer and can 'pass" pretty well but I think it does limit me somewhat.
But I am here and I feel, in spite of everything, I had a pretty decent childhood. One thing I found so aggravating growing up all my problems were blamed on me having a "bad mommy". Horrible mood swings? Her fault. Depressions? Well, we did move cross country. Manias? Normal teenage ebullience. I went to therapy - marriage counseling, with Ron back in 2005. The therapist sat there and watched me on his couch several times, one time even remarked on my mood swings, was a PHD and never saw I was bipolar.
No, I had a biochemical imbalance. It is corrected now and I am very glad of it but I think when you play "Archeology and digging up the wounds of the past" you run a big risk of skipping the very big and obvious present issue.
For instance, for most people my relationship with Ron is inconceivable. Why would I stay? How can I love him? Well, I have a very different brain that says this is OK. You don't, but you didn't have the Fetal Alcohol Brain damage, years of neglect, etc. When I latch onto someone (and this could be a stalker issue as well) I have a hard time letting go. So far that has only been with Ron. And one reason I don't form bonds with others easily, because I have a very hard time bonding. Once I am on your team it is very hard to get rid of me.
That is one issue my sister had, she thought she could get in there and get me to shake Ron off like a tick, move in with her, and become her full time caregiver. I remember one time she was having severe gastric troubles from over using antibiotics. She got a very bad bout of C. diff. and went to the ER one night. The doctor said she was bad enough she might have to get a colostomy. She was adamant she did not want one but told me repeatedly she wanted "someone" to be there for her in case she couldn't talk. If she really felt that way I don't know why she got a divorce, that makes you more alone, not less. But she directly attacked my marriage on many occasions and when it came time to choose I chose Ron. I also couldn't respect a lot of decisions she had made or her ongoing commitment to the cult.
Am I going to be a wreck when Ron dies? Yes. Will I be better off, emotionally, a year down the road? Yes. Am I going to ditch him now? No.
If he needs a nursing home at one point (I am doing my best to help him fight that) I will probably visit way too often. I did when I was in the rehab hospital, I went every day. I wouldn't do that with a nursing home, and his placement is going to be informed by proximity to public transit. There is one, for instance, right on my main bus line. That would be great IF the day comes.
But I think we are OK for now.
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