Wednesday

I got up early, Ron was awake and alert.  We had a good time together and then I went off to work. 

He had his phone off so I couldn't call him with work questions, I did my best.  I did end up making one mistake you will hear about later. 

I had a good time at work stocking it all.  The other vendor's employee has a side hustle trying to sell pies, if I heard her correctly for $28 each, which is about 4x what you will see at Walmart.

But I got it all done.  When I got to the last of my work I thought Ron had reversed the sodas.  He has the soda different in every machine, in some they are on the left, other machines on the right, very confusing as I discovered.  I "fixed" it. 

I called Alex (who took me to work) and he took me home.  Ron was awake, alert, kind, in a good mood.  It was nice to talk to him, I did for a little bit and went back to bed.  I got up and he was in a good mood again, we got to talking about work and I told him how I "fixed" it. 

He blew up and said I had "ruined" it, I was "not that stupid" etc.  I made a mistake, I am sorry about it.  It is not life and death.  It is not a diabetic trying to buy a diet soda and getting a regular, it is a Coke/Dr Pepper mixup.  Most people probably won't care. 

He has this thing about "sub level" or "stupid" mistakes.  To him, there is a "level" mistake, forgetting your cell phone in the car, for instance.  Leaving your wallet at home.  Then there is a "sub level" mistake like counting your money in a bad neighborhood, or forgetting your wallet when you take your fiance's parents out to dinner.  He will go on and on about "sub level" mistakes and is VERY judgemental. 

He said we "had" to go back to work.  I was fine with that.   He called paratransit, they kept him on hold so long he lost his edge and by the time they picked up meekly asked for a ride tomorrow morning.  Now he is fuming and raging because "cost him his day off".  He worked ONE DAY this week.  ONE.  That is better than 98% of the working population.  Even then, he only works one hour tomorrow. 

I said I was sorry, repeatedly, but I'm not going to abase myself.  It was an honest mistake, anyone could have made it.  He has put the wrong soda in a column many times before.  I didn't flog him with it, half the time I just fixed it quietly, the other half I made a passing remark.  I didn't care, I didn't beat him for it, and I didn't scream. 

Then he says if he can't stock he wants to wear his sandals.  It is winter.  I tried to talk some sense into him on that.  He insisted he was wearing his sandals.  You know what feet look like when they haven't been cared for... his looked like some old time prophet or apostle walking around in the desert all day.  Plus one had blood on it from the other day. 

So I told him, fine, if you want to wear your sandals I will need to wash your feet.  It was a little more Biblical than I would have liked, washing his feet as he verbally abused me and screamed at God.  He wouldn't let me finish his feet, they really needed to soak a while and then scrubbed, he just let me wipe at it for a minute or two each. 

He finally called a halt and said he would wear shoes tomorrow. 

He has at least gotten quiet after getting himself another bottle... he is what Criminal Minds calls a "wound collector" where he "collects" "injustices" done to him and uses them as free passes for pity parties, temper tantrums, blackouts, all of them at once... he used to justify his cheating because I was a messy housekeeper.   He even brought one of his bitches to the house when I wasn't there to "demonstrate what a terrible quality person" I was and she fell for it. 

One day I will talk more about results of Ron cheating but not today. 

Anyway, he was just doing his best to ruin my day.  Of course I am not going to allow that but it is very taxing.  I try to be a positive person and focus on good things, he does just the opposite.  He looks at the one hour tomorrow he has to work - how many people get to work one hour?  Maybe an escort... but he's not! 

I am listening to Eminem on repeat for a while to clear my head and keep my focus right.  Eventually he will go to bed, hopefully not fall.  At some point I need to clean his leg and hand.  I will have to do one, wash up, then do the other.  I don't want to cross contaminate. 

I did some cleaning, not around him, at least got the toilet seat clean - it was OK but I like to get it anyway.  After he goes to bed I will clean the litter boxes. 

At one point he was grunting angrily at me banging empty vodka bottles together, demanding I take them out. 

He is really trying me. 

And the sad thing, he doesn't have to be this person.  He can be a very nice person when he puts away the bitterness and self-pity.  He doesn't do it often enough and it may very well cost him our marriage. 

There's love, and there's duty.  Use up the love and the duty's all you've got.  I'm still around but my heart's walled off.