So is my headache. Ron's bedding is almost done.
I did a soak with laundry sanitizer (it's a thing, not bleach). Then I did a regular cycle with some Tide. I took out the sheets and underwear, put them in the dryer but not turned on yet.
I am running the towels with some vinegar to get all the suds out. You can get an amazing amount of suds if you run a rinse cycle with a half cup of bleach. That will make them fluffier and more absorbent. Then I will run the dryer.
It is pretty cold out so no worries about heating up the house. And I think it is done.
Torbie is in my bed waiting for a nap with me. She is a great cat, even better when I am depressed.
I just cleaned and refilled the automatic bowl in my bedroom, I didn't think anyone used it but I saw Baby Girl over there this morning.
I am going to leave all that up there... so I tried to lay down and take a nap. I am pretty wound up because I had to take headache pills today. Couldn't sleep, then just drifting off... so peaceful.
Ron starts screaming for me "What?" "I need help".
That's not good. I got up, put my glasses on, went into his room. His head is sticking up between the bed and the wall, body under the bed, not sure how he managed that. I still had a fair amount of the headache but I got him in his wheelchair. He seemed pretty rational.
BUT sitting in his wheelchair in front of the bed he starts ranting about being taken to his room, I have to take him to bed. 'You are there" I said, he got halfway up, touched the bed, went back to his wheelchair screaming I had to take him to bed.
I asked him "Where do you think you are?'
"In the kitchen"
Kept making personal attacks and screaming at me. My head was killing me. I am exhausted. So I took him to the kitchen. He starts beating on our stainless steel sink (very loud) screaming I knew it I knew I was in the kitchen.
I tell you, something happens to me it is straight into the nursing home for him. Do not even stop. If my aunt reads this and I've died just put him straight in a home.
He asked me to take him to his bed. I said no, the last time I did that you shouted at me. You know where it is and can get there. He engaged in some profanity, and some guilt trips, but I wasn't getting up to help him anymore. He got himself to bed - funny how he knew where it was this time.
Then he started screaming at me, that I had stolen his flash drive. He asked me to help but I said not if you are screaming at me. He shouted some more and then realized it would not work. He calmed himself down and asked, nicely, if I could help him find his flash drive.
I said of course if you are nice about it. I got up and went back. He was holding it in his hand and I told him that. I was standing in the doorway and saw him tip over to the side like a tree and land on the floor. I think it helped he took his pillow with him. He started shouting at me and blaming me for that and I walked away.
He apologized, and I said for what - for yelling at me or for being a jackass? He said both. I went back and offered to help him (I would have, anyway). He said he didn't want help. I just heard him setting his alarm so pretty sure he got up.
He is just not rational at times. It is frightening. Especially as I know it will likely just get worse and worse. We had this 2x in my family with older relatives and it was a very ugly road.
I really hope I am wrong but I have no way of knowing because he won't get evaluated. It could just be alcohol temporarily making him stupid, for lack of a better term. It could be alcohol has permanently rotted his brain. It could be head injury dementia. Both his parents had dementia, it could be that. I don't know... neither does he and he wants it that way.
But profoundly upsetting is a good term. Let me go check on him. He is in bed and OK.
Later on I need to talk to him about our trips for tomorrow. Our primary driver is out of town tomorrow so we will be doing our supply run Sunday most likely.
And my parents wonder why I take so many supplements.
18 comments:
I hope you are putting a plan in place for you and the cats if something happens to Ron.
That would be "when" and I haven't figured it out yet. It depends how it goes down, decline where I can't help him or he kills himself somehow.
I was thinking about all those STUPID caregiver books that talk about the "joys" of it. There is no joy. There is filth, stench, backbreaking work, verbal abuse, EVERY nice thing ruined or broken, revolting infectious wounds, bitter abuse (from the patient), lunatic behavior, refusal to eat wholesome food, etc. and you are expected to act as if it is all a blessing. IT IS NOT. It anything goes wrong it is ALL the caregivers fault with no blame assigned to the patient.
If I had another job things would move very fast. I also have to think of the cats. The mortgage is in Ron's name so we would have a battle over the house as well.
LOL she is not putting in place any plan. Her plan is that she will lose the house, the cats and have to live under a bridge somewhere. She has been given a lot of advice and even advised to seek legal assistance to make sure she is OK when Ron either winds up in a nursing home or dies. And she refuses all assistance or even to find out what her rights are or how to protect herself (if not for her then the cats. Imagine how they will feel in a shelter). Her priorities are not right. Yesterday she complained about not having any money to buy herself a candy bar but went ahead and spent $60 plus dollars to go get candy to give out for Halloween. She obviously is not thinking clearly either. It is a shame her family won't help her at least come up with a financial plan.
You are smart and a hard worker. You would find another job easily. You are right about caregivers. Takes a very special person to do it (and I know you didn't sign up for it)
I signed up for helping Ron after the accident, we were not married (I wasn't "good enough to marry" he thought before the accident). He was abusive. He cheated. No one would have faulted me for walking away and if he had a more supportive family I might have walked. I could have absolutely walked. But I am very stubborn, loyal to a fault, and truly believed he would appreciate me if I walked over coals for him.
Right and wrong. To some degree he does value the choices I've made. But he is getting more and more verbally abusive. I will do a whole blog on this in a minute but I got up from sleep because he needed me. I make sure he has drinks and snacks. I take care of his cat. I help with bath and toilet, laundry, shopping, etc.
The problem for me is what I am getting back: abuse. I need to at least not be attacked. I need that. I will talk to him again about this but he may not be able to provide me with a life like that. If that is the case (he will be abusive ongoing) I will need to cut ties.
RE: planning my aunt is CPA, my uncle a lawyer. My Dad is an engineer. I am sure I could get some assistance if things torpedoed. My current issue is documenting his self destruction so I will not be held liable when he does kill himself.
The point is to get the plan in place BEFORE things torpedo not during the crisis. This way you can feel some sense of security. It doesn't matter if the house is in his name. You are married. If this is a problem work it out now and get it straightened out sooner rather than later because no apartment or rental will knowingly let you have 6 cats and then what? Euthanize the ones you can't take with you because at least they would be done lovingly and with being put to sleep first and not just terrified at some shelter (just the thought makes me cry but this is and can be a reality if you don't get your shot together now). This is why I am incredulous about your wastefulness when it comes to money and allowing Ron to be wasteful too. No nest egg means terrible things for your cats (since you don't care enough about yourself at least do it for them).
We have joint ownership of the house. And I have an insurance policy if he dies the house gets paid off.
The rest of it I haven't figured out yet. Hell, I could die first.
My aunt knows to send the cats to the vet, who would find homes. The vet likes me and the cats. Heck, everyone there loves Biscuit, they would probably make him a mascot.
I do have some money saved (not much after the root canal drama and the other expenses this month), and plan to start restocking that fund once I get paid again.
Ah so you do have a plan and no you won't lose the house. I wonder why you keep saying you will.
Well, we all hear stories of people screwed by the insurance company...and this company has changed name 3 times since we got the mortgage.
If you are not sure contact the insurance company or switch to a more reputable company. You should get policy information every year.
It is wrapped into the mortgage.
Someone has the policy and since you pay your insurance separate from the mortgage you should have paperwork or someone to call about it (even if you have to call the mortgage company).
Just bexause you pay it with the mortgage (“wrapped into the mortgage= paid thorough escrow) does not mean you cannot change insurance companies at any time. You just have to coordinate with the mortgage company/escrow so they know where the money is paid to. I pay mine this way and I have switched insurance companies before.
The Harris County Area Agency on Aging has a caregiver support line on their website. Call them. You need help now. Your family cannot help coordinate this.
My Dad is getting older and my local Area Agency on Aging has been really helpful. Their services are free and they deal with these issues all day long. They have heard it all and are not judgemental. If you don't know what to say, or how to start, just write down some talking points for the call before you talk to them.
It's time to accept help in caring for Ron.
They can't make him stop drinking, no one can. Only he can and nothing, not even waking up naked on the floor, has gotten through to him.
That is the primary source of our problems. AA had helpful crap like "put a blanket on him". Well, he peed on the blanket so not doing that again. "Don't pour out the liquor" "Don't judge".
I'm with my Dad, who says he would have to 'hit rock bottom". No agency can help with that and when he goes he takes me and the cats with him.
It's just been a bad week.
I am talking about the Area Agency on Aging helping you. Not Ron. As a caregiver, you can get help and support for yourself, from them.
Ron only takes you and the cats to rock bottom with him if you let him. There are plenty of resources available to help you figure out how you will keep your home once Ron is no longer living there. You need to be proactive instead of waiting for something to happen.
The mental health center has a crisis line I called them a long time back right after my diagnosis. The guy was very nice and walked me through my options. Some time back I called another line asking for a caregiver support group, they misunderstood and thought I wanted a bipolar group, asked me why anyone would need a caregiver group - very rude. It took a lot to get me to call and I am still raw/leery after that. Then we had "let's go to Al anon" where I was with a group of women who have not had my issues and without breaking confidentiality can say they had little in common with me besides a drunken husband. Agh.
Just NOT real encouraging experiences reaching out for help here.
Just because it wasn’t good the first time doesn’t mean that’s forever. Try again!
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