I need to avoid reading old blogs

I slept pretty well last night and woke up about 4:30 after a weird dream.  I did not want to go back to sleep so I got up and started the laundry.  I accidentally read an old blog.  

And it's a miracle I have any readers left, it was pretty much the same old blog I had for 14 years, I went out, did nice things for Ron, came home and he was drunk and verbally abusive, fell on the floor, etc/  I wrote a plaintive comment about "Home is supposed to be a welcoming place" not a place where I go into the fire (paraphrase) and it reminded me just how bad things were for so long.  Very, profoundly, depressing.  

So that kicked me into full depression mode.  I'm out of it now but how awful I HAD to go through that for 29 years.  I'm still processing that.  It's going to be a while, I think, and probably one of the reasons I am so revolted at the idea of another relationship, lately.  Oh I'd die alone a dozen times over before I went through that again.  Just ANY blog from a while back tells the story, pick one at random.  Ugh.  One day I will learn about those "nostalgia" posts.  

If I start dating anyone (not for a long time) I am going to do mandatory blog reading for him so he knows my country of origin.  Assigned homework!  "Tell me about 4 blackouts Ron had".  What a horrible stew of alcoholism and dementia.  

Like I said I am doing laundry, some of it, like my new bike shorts and the jeans I wore to work, get the sanitizer treatment.  Underwear gets a basic Tide POD with the unscented stuff.  I don't want chemicals in my underwear.  

A note on that.  I had terrible times with bladder infections after Ron and I got together.  I think a large part of it was due to his bathing practices, or lack thereof.  They were ongoing the whole time we were together.  I was a member of an HMO and they loaned me a book "Overcoming Cystitis" which had some tips on don't use washing soda in your underwear loads, etc.  She also painted a horrifying depiction of childbirth that was enough to put any woman (me) off child bearing.  Just that basically once you had the baby your health was ruined.  That kind of finalized my decision not to have kids, to be honest.  I had enough trouble with my illness.  

Of course now I would never pass this illness down to a helpless child.  It's terrible for a child and teen.  For me it got unbearable when I hit puberty so perhaps I will see some improvement when I go into full menopause.  Of course it is easier to lose weight when you have cycles so there's that.  

It is strange getting up when it's dark out but it's light now.  I will take my shower when I finish the first load while I am working on the second.  It is basically socks, bras, underwear.  Most of it will get hung up.  

I never heard from my parents last night but to be honest did not expect it.  They are focused on (nephew) as is expected.  They haven't seen him in years.  He looks healthy and tall.  His mother is feeding him alright.  Apparently some years back he had a chunky phase but that has passed.  So they will be very busy this week.  

In the meantime I need to figure out packing for my trip.  I think I will focus on that today.  I also need to clean the box as they are not using my garden bed with the rain.  That's it for now.