Wednesday afternoon

 I took a nap and woke up with a headache.  I got up to take something and Spotty came out of Ron's room.  He meowed at me a lot and I told him to come back to bed with me.  He did, and laid on my chest with his head tucked under my chin.  SO CUTE!  That's why I don't pick them up or force cuddle if they want to love on me that's great but I want it to be genuine.  Just like Ron used to say why he would never pay for sex or force a woman, he wanted her to be into it too... same idea.  

So I laid there petting him for a while with him purring and meowing at me.  SO CUTE.  My head felt better.  Biscuit got on the bed but not really near me.  Spotty got up to check out Biscuit so I got up.  I was covered in cat hair: 

But the lint brush did a good job.  I like the big, $6 lint brush at Walmart it works the best.  I have a couple of them.  

I also often rethought my choice to wear mostly black clothing times like this.  I will need to get a white or light colored hoodie to wear at the bus stop in the morning, for instance, as it is getting dark in the morning.  I would like to be as visible as possible.  

It is nice and pretty sunny out I think I am going to sit outside for a while.  Also I finished my crochet cell phone holder, the old one was getting kind of ratty.  

 I had fun.  I came in and tried on the last of the clothes going on vacation.  The last dress (#4), bathing suit fit great and has a NICE long hem.  I believe in some things kept for the husband, if you have one.  Now I had some stuff at home I only wore for Ron and he loved it.  But that's all I did.  Now that he's gone I got rid of all that.  Anyway let me see if I have a picture.  

That is something I can wear in front of my Dad and his friends, and put online.  It has a nice skirt on it.  It wasn't cheap when I bought it but I think the money is well spent.  

The "New Orleans" dress fit great, and so did the workout top.  I was worried about the necklines interacting with my bra, but it worked on all of it.  So everything got packed and not too much bulk.  I will be adding some female supplies to it as well.  Just because you don't know.  I will wear my workout top, a hoodie, and my jeans with sneakers to actually fly.  

So pretty much packed.  I like to do this all well in advance.  

It is sunny again going to go out.   And it's overcast again.  

I ate all I'm going to eat today (about 1,600 calories but in my macros).  Not sure if I will make some more iced tea or not.  

That's it for now.  

Getting some things done

Feeling a little better; I started on some cleaning.  Really depressing to see cat hair tumbleweeds and dust all over my floors.  So I swept all that up.  Taking a break, then I will put away the clean clothes.  Then probably clean the toilet.  Take a break.  

If you are a former LCF Friend you will remember how everyone was so excited about Flylady.  She would send you an email every day to do some cleaning tasks.  I think her #1 thing was the kitchen sink.  Anyway I found Unf*ck your habitat.  https://www.unfuckyourhabitat.com/  There is a 'bad" word in there for the sensitive.  She has various assignments which I find useful.  She talks a lot about NOT doing the big marathon cleaning thing which is really important for me.  She also gets depression and how sometimes "obvious" cleaning isn't possible.  I like her.  

So I just packed 3 t shirt dresses, socks, and underwear (with bonus t shirt) in my pack.  I have room for one more dress, this the one I wore in New Orleans.  It can be my traveling dress.  It is a little more formal.  Mom and Dad talk a lot about a nice steakhouse they enjoy and have mentioned taking visitors there so I think it would be smart to have something nicer.  I already have toiletries, hairbrush, toothbrush in the bag.  The trick is only taking the essentials and not a bunch of stuff I don't need.  There is a Walmart not far from their home so I can just buy anything I might need.  

No cycle yet and based on what my body was doing the last couple days it could be a couple more weeks.  If that's the case I will have no worries on my trip.  I am going to wear my new gray sneakers they are very comfortable and I think I will reserve them for my off-work time.  They also match everything I'm packing.  

Off to enjoy my break before I clean the toilet! 

That's it for now.  

Wednesday morning

I slept better but still moderately depressed.  I find it interesting how I mourn on my days off and then back to work and functional again.  I wonder how long that will last.  

I did get paid, $548 so I will have to figure out my budget.  I am guessing the electric will not be $160 because we have had some milder weather lately, maybe $140?  We will see.  I won't get that bill for a few days.  I will crunch all the numbers later but off hand I need too pay gas, electric, You Tube music fee and put $20 on my bus card.  

I filled out a survey for the bus.  I might win a gift card which would be nice.  $100 bus card would be awesome.  I am not interested in the Target gift card as I used to work at Target and felt they treated me badly.  But you could look at it I will take the gift card and spend it...I don't know.  There are a lot of people taking these surveys.  

Today I need to do dishes, cooking, hang up my clothes.  Right now it feels overwhelming but I will get through it. 

That's it for now.  

I had a decent nap with Cleo

She loves to get in bed with me.  

I woke up with a headache, got up and took something.  When it kicked in I got on the exercise bike.  I embarrassed to admit (but have a 100% honesty policy in my blog) that I tried doing some squats recently and could only do about 6 of them with a 10 pound weight.  I am working on that.  I did 7, yesterday, but feeling it today.  I also did some kettle bell swings with a 15 pound weight which may have contributed to today's soreness/stiffness.  I don't want to be feeble when I go see my parents so I am working on this.  It is no good to lose a lot of weight if I am physically weak and out of shape.  

So I got my new shoes on (the $30 gray ones) and got on the exercise bike.  I did about 30 minutes with an additional warmup and cooldown.  Heart rate was right in the cardio zone, I felt strong, dripped sweat on the floor under the bike.  I freshened up with a wet washcloth after it was mainly my arms and face were sweaty.  

Then I had some Salami and cheese for dinner.  I will have some greens later if they are still good.  

My parents said they would call later so who knows when that is.  We will see.  

It was thundering and very cloudy around the house for some time and then rained.  I have to check the mail in a little bit but that's it.  Today is my rest day (except for the exercise bike and the laundry).  My aunt would say the weather precipitated my headache.  But carbs are pretty low for the day, too and that can contribute.  

Mood is better done with my pity party.  It isn't, really, I have a process to go through if I EVER hope to have a healthy love relationship in the future.  God is making me stronger through all this.  It was safe to say I was/am a pleaser and I don't like saying no or setting boundaries, but God is working with me on that.  

I need to avoid reading old blogs

I slept pretty well last night and woke up about 4:30 after a weird dream.  I did not want to go back to sleep so I got up and started the laundry.  I accidentally read an old blog.  

And it's a miracle I have any readers left, it was pretty much the same old blog I had for 14 years, I went out, did nice things for Ron, came home and he was drunk and verbally abusive, fell on the floor, etc/  I wrote a plaintive comment about "Home is supposed to be a welcoming place" not a place where I go into the fire (paraphrase) and it reminded me just how bad things were for so long.  Very, profoundly, depressing.  

So that kicked me into full depression mode.  I'm out of it now but how awful I HAD to go through that for 29 years.  I'm still processing that.  It's going to be a while, I think, and probably one of the reasons I am so revolted at the idea of another relationship, lately.  Oh I'd die alone a dozen times over before I went through that again.  Just ANY blog from a while back tells the story, pick one at random.  Ugh.  One day I will learn about those "nostalgia" posts.  

If I start dating anyone (not for a long time) I am going to do mandatory blog reading for him so he knows my country of origin.  Assigned homework!  "Tell me about 4 blackouts Ron had".  What a horrible stew of alcoholism and dementia.  

Like I said I am doing laundry, some of it, like my new bike shorts and the jeans I wore to work, get the sanitizer treatment.  Underwear gets a basic Tide POD with the unscented stuff.  I don't want chemicals in my underwear.  

A note on that.  I had terrible times with bladder infections after Ron and I got together.  I think a large part of it was due to his bathing practices, or lack thereof.  They were ongoing the whole time we were together.  I was a member of an HMO and they loaned me a book "Overcoming Cystitis" which had some tips on don't use washing soda in your underwear loads, etc.  She also painted a horrifying depiction of childbirth that was enough to put any woman (me) off child bearing.  Just that basically once you had the baby your health was ruined.  That kind of finalized my decision not to have kids, to be honest.  I had enough trouble with my illness.  

Of course now I would never pass this illness down to a helpless child.  It's terrible for a child and teen.  For me it got unbearable when I hit puberty so perhaps I will see some improvement when I go into full menopause.  Of course it is easier to lose weight when you have cycles so there's that.  

It is strange getting up when it's dark out but it's light now.  I will take my shower when I finish the first load while I am working on the second.  It is basically socks, bras, underwear.  Most of it will get hung up.  

I never heard from my parents last night but to be honest did not expect it.  They are focused on (nephew) as is expected.  They haven't seen him in years.  He looks healthy and tall.  His mother is feeding him alright.  Apparently some years back he had a chunky phase but that has passed.  So they will be very busy this week.  

In the meantime I need to figure out packing for my trip.  I think I will focus on that today.  I also need to clean the box as they are not using my garden bed with the rain.  That's it for now.  

The great, long, shoe hunt

So I left the house around 10:30 headed out to the bus stop.  Rode the bus to the Burger King.  Last time I tried this their lobby door was locked.  It began pouring when I got off the bus with my cart so I really hoped it was open... and it was.  

As I walked in an employee was relating a tale of her time at the trauma center how she stopped breathing and had to get 3 pints of blood.  I said "That sounds horrible!"  She said it was, I gave her some candy.  I handed out 6 bags of candy today.  

I used my gift card and got two double cheeseburgers, one I ate there and the other I ate around 4.  By the time I finished the rain had stopped so I went back out to the bus stop.  Next driver was not a route I normally take but he was going my way.  He did not want any candy.  

I got to the transit center and waited on the bus that would take me to Academy.  I was wondering how I was going to put the cart on the bus, be out of everyone's way and OK in case they needed to load a wheelchair.  It took some doing when the bus pulled up but I did figure it out.  I sat in a forward facing seat and held onto the cart in front of me.  Only a couple of people whacked it.  

I got off and went into the store.  I went straight to customer service.  My cart, while useful to me, looks like a shoplifter's dream.  I had planned on looking in apparel and shoes and I was certain security did not want that cart rolling around.  Also it would be easier if I had a regular cart for my shopping.  They were happy to watch it for me.  

I got a regular cart and went to apparel.  They had changed everything around but I found the BCG Plus Size section without too much trouble.  They had a few bike shorts but the largest was only a regular XL which I didn't think would fit.  

So I went into the fitting room.  The last time I tried this I got stuck in a sports bra and the fitting room lady had to free me.  

The XL fit fine.  Color me shocked.  They were tight but the label said "tight fit".  They felt good and I can wear them under my t shirt dresses, and under an oversized t shirt for working out.  I kept them.  I did not try on any sports bras.  😂

I went over to the shoes.  They had a large header board: SKETCHERS.  So I started there.  I loaded up on various shoes I will cover in a little bit.  I looked around and found some likely store brand shoes in gray for $30.  I sat down to try them on.  I liked the $30 ones and bought them.  

I did wear pants today, but it doesn't look like it from the photos.  

The brown boots were too firm.  I was looking for a wide shoe with a lot of squish to it.  I did not get those.  

These ones seemed so promising: $30 on sale, nice color that would coordinate with my vest at work, but WAY too tight.  I couldn't wait to take those off.  

These were the Sketchers extra wide fit, and they were nice and wide, had some squish but I felt lacking in the padding department.  I am very picky as I am going to spend a lot of time on my feet.  Also at what they cost they had better be perfect.  

These were perfect, wide and lots of squish I hated to take them off.  So I got them.  

I also got a pair of the waterproof sneakers as we do get a lot of rain here.  They have proven reliable but I did try them on.  They are beige with orange accents.  

I stayed in budget (Used some of the last of the tax return) so I was happy, I even had enough for a cab ride home which was a good thing as it was pouring.  

I went up to customer service and got my cart back.  It was a different associate but I pointed at the cart and said "That's mine" he gave it to me.  I got home pretty quick.  

I bagged up my old shoes to donate.  They did their job and now it is time for a new class.  I am really excited about them.  Now I would have loved some brightly colored shoes but I got neutrals.  But they will work with any color.  If I ever get rich and can find something cute and comfortable I might buy some but for now I'm just happy I have these.  

I lasted about 10 months on the old set of shoes.  

They had a really cute pair of hot pink and black sneakers in the women's department but I couldn't get them on my feet.  If that's not a sign I don't know what is.  Too bad they were only $30.  I think you can find good shoes if you know where to look and aren't afraid to spend some money.  But I work at Walmart so I keep it reasonable.  

So now I am done until well into next year.  

When I got home I ate my other burger and tried to take a nap, but I had too much caffeine today.  We are having a thunderstorm so I won't do laundry.  I was pretty wiped out but I did some kettle bell and some time on the exercise bike.  I stayed on my eating plan (60% fat, 20 each carbs and protein).    

The cats are good.  Waiting to hear from Dad he is busy picking up my nephew right now.  That's it for now!  

Sunday night and Monday morning

Work went OK (you know who was late again, but it didn't matter as I had planned to shop after work anyway).  I got logged out OK, went to the bathroom, got my stuff and a shopping cart, did my shopping.  I ended up getting ground sausage (always good with some cheese), full fat yogurt (they call it "whole milk" now as "fat" is still a bad word), sliced cheese, and some salami which sounded really good.  All of it on my eating plan.  I try to only bring wholesome foods home.  I did forget to buy the pork rinds.  That can wait until Thursday.  

I paid, loaded everything up.  It was funny I had my vest on while shopping as I prefer to wear it at the bus stop.  The bus driver then knows I am a responsible citizen and not a trouble maker.  So I had the vest, while I was shopping 3 people stopped me.  One guy wanted goat cheese.  I don't think we are a goat cheese kind of store but I directed him to dairy.  Another lady wanted vegan cheese.  I wanted to say "Oh, the processed oil?" but did not I actually know where the vegan "foods" are so I directed her.  And then as I was on my way out an old lady approached me and wanted to give a compliment to an associate.  I took her over to customer service (I was headed that way anyway) and pointed out the front end manager to her.  I made sure to tell her to start the conversation by saying she had a compliment.  Managers love those. We as a rule don't get a lot of compliments.  

I did not want to ride the bus home.  My stuff was heavier than normal and I just wasn't feeling the love.  It was after 4.  Traffic was heavy, I was tired, the vacant lot has uneven footing.  Lots of reasons.  So I bought a 20 ounce diet Dew and told myself I would get it when I got to the bus stop.  I put my cold items in the insulated bag I brought with the cold packs (I take food safety seriously), put my candy in the tote bag, put the insulated bag in the tote bag (candy for drivers of course), and slung the bag over my other shoulder.  I had the work bag on my left shoulder as usual.  I got to the bus stop and had my Mountain Dew.  I had just enough time to finish it before the bus came.  

Rides home were uneventful I missed my second bus by a few minutes so I had to wait a while.  But the  next bus came early and let me on early to sit in the AC so he was my best buddy.  I was glad I had candy for him.  I got off, marched across "my" vacant lot (when are they going to build the gas station?) and got home OK.  I have noticed the neighborhood (fenced) dogs bark more at me when their owners are home.  No mail to check so I went home and put away my cold stuff and washed my hands.  I always wash my hands after work and/or riding the bus.  Just seems smart.  I could tell you some stories of things people have done right in front of me that would make you vomit.  Always wash your hands when you come home, that's my rule.  

I had fed the cats a whole day of food when I left so they didn't care I was late.  I talked to my parents they are good.  My nephew comes today.  No more long talks this week but I am glad he makes them happy.  I went to bed early, it's my Friday night I can do what I want and I wanted to sleep.  I slept OK, woke up a few times and then with a headache around 6.  I took some Excedrin and laid back down.  The cats all laid down with me, they were very cute.  Spotty was curled up in my armpit meowing and purring.  I laid there for about half an hour until I felt better.  

I felt the cats had been so awesome they deserved an awesome breakfast, so I opened my last can of wet food for them.  They went nuts begging when they saw the foam plate in my hand, they know what that means.  It was a pate so it looked bad, but not as disgusting as the shreds in gravy (their favorite).  But they were quite happy and all ate off the same plate very companionably.  I did give them some dry after as Spotty is really a dry food man.  They are all loafing around on the floor now.  

Biscuit is going back for seconds.  It's a turkey based food, not fish, so OK for him to eat.  Fish proteins are very bad for male cats and will block them, I have found, so my cats only eat poultry protein.  

And when Biscuit graduates I will continue feeding Spotty the urinary formula.  As long as I have a male cat in the house... if it were just Cleo I would have her on Iams adult she likes that and her fur is a little nicer on it.  But she is OK on this.  

When I finish on the computer I will take my shower, do my God time, get dressed, get my hand cart ready.  I will be taking the cart.  The plan is to maybe go to the Dollar store and Burger King first, then Academy for the shoes, then hit the grocery store on my way home (it is literally on the way home to my house).  Then after I buy my groceries get back on the bus and go home.  

I had thought about just taking a cab home from the Academy but I would like to get the grocery store today if at all possible.  Saves me another day out on the bus.  

That's it for now.  

Sunday morning

I am having a hard time getting up this morning.  My parents called me a little later which I understand as they are navigating elder care issues for my step grandmother from afar.  She is happy with her caregivers, though.  

My nephew visits starting Monday so I don't think I'll hear much from them the next week.  Which is fine I want them to be happy and he makes them very happy.   

Cleo, on the other hand, is not happy.  She threw up one time yesterday and once last night.  This morning I got the Laxatone and acted like I was giving her a treat, put some down for her.  She rejected it.  I believe she has a hairball as she never vomits.  She is acting otherwise normal.  I got the petroleum jelly.  I have given it to cats before and it is an ingredient in the Laxatone.  I had to chase her around before I managed to smear some on her mouth (she will lick it off and ingest it) but she is very upset with me.  She did not try to bite or scratch but she was evading!  And I believe she is under the bed now.  

It has been my experience a dose of the jelly will produce the hairball in the litter box in about 12 hours so I should see it when I come home.  I just want her to feel OK and a big wad of hair in your stomach has got to suck.  It has been so hot and the cats have been shedding like crazy so that is my #1 guess.  

I wonder how long it will be before she forgives me.  It was funny, Biscuit was just laying there on the floor watching the show he wasn't worried one bit.  He has always been great about taking medicine.  And there he goes in the box!  Good boy!  I am glad his problem doesn't cause a problem with that.  

I haven't seen Spotty I think he is outside.  He's a good boy I'm not worried.  

After work I plan to do some food shopping because I will already be at the store and it's a 2 hour ride on the bus.  Better to get it after work and lug it home on the bus.  I have some ice and an insulated tote bag so I'll be fine.  

That's it for now!  

Saturday evening

I guess God wants me handing out material to later bus drivers as I keep getting them.  I am human, it is hard to feel gracious about a 4.5 hour commute every day and spending more time at bus stops and on buses than I do on the clock, but there it is.  

It's enough to make me want to date again; he could give me rides to work on the weekend at least.  But that's a terrible reason to go looking.  And at the bottom of it I just find the idea of another relationship revolting.  I'm sorry, Ron, he made me promise to remarry, but I don't see it happening any time soon.  

But it wasn't too hot so that helped.  

I went off plan today.  I did not find my donuts so I settled for another kind, and then I saw we had the mini pecan pies back in stock.  I love those things, I bought one, too, and ate it before work.  I won't buy one tomorrow but it did throw off my tracking for the day.  

The cats are good they were having a party on the floor of my bedroom by the cat door.  I am tired and going to lay down a bit before my parents call.  

That's it for now.  

Saturday morning

 Well I made it through my longer days... 5.5 hours with one break run a little long.  My feet were OK but I still plan to buy new shoes.  

Work went OK.  One of my coworkers gave me some money (I did not ask) which I took because I only had $30 for a week.  Which I did not say until after I took it.  She said "Oh girl, that's not enough".  

I had an irate customer he was upset because he thought he was buying a 2 pound bag of shredded cheese for $2.  I told him that is impossible.  He got very angry and swore it was $2.  I told him to take it to customer service.  The store policy if it scans at $X that is the price but I wasn't going to argue with him.  On his way out he said a lot about me, my fellow employees, the store in general, the neighborhood, the other customers, etc.  If the store is so ghetto why are you shopping here?  Presumably he had a car and could go where he wanted.  I only shop at ghetto grocery stores but I ride the bus.  

I still have about 3 pounds of cheese (block) I am debating if I need to buy another block.  I will probably get a bag of the HEB shredded Mexican blend ($5.17, not $2, and that's the best deal I've found).  It is really tasty and melts great on everything.  Yum, yum.  

Eating Keto/Low carb finds me eating a lot of cheese and sausage for some reason.  I check my nutrition and my calcium levels are great every day which is awesome, as I don't want bad bones.  

Speaking of bad bones Biscuit is getting around great and has a good quality of life so I am not inclined to change that.  When I came home yesterday he and the other 2 were sunning themselves in the yard, it was very cute.  If he can go out and come in I am not going to worry about him.  And he is an old man.  

Monday I plan to go buy my new shoes.  I will likely take the bus over there and then take a cab home.  I may call Jack and have him bring me home, then I can show him the 3 things he needs to know to take care of the cats, how to close cat door, how much to feed, how to turn off the water if there is an issue.  My aunt is going to make a copy of her key and send it to me so I can loan that to him.  I don't plan to have him check the mail as I don't envision getting a lot of it in the couple days I'll be gone.  

I have my shorts all ready to go for my trip to the shoe store.  These are the modest ones and not the booty shorts I wear around the house.  I only have the one pair of those.  I have some smaller size shorts I bought on clearance but "fits me now" I have the one pair.  And to be honest they were a little snug the last time I wore them, BUT I have lost some "inch" since then.  

About the only thing I worry about being gone is if we get a tropical weather event like a hurricane and/or flooding with me gone.  But there isn't much I can do anyway.  Jack could talk to the neighbor about putting up a tarp on the roof if it came to that and everything else could wait until I got home, I think.  I have to leave that with God otherwise it will ruin my trip.  But that is the bad thing about leaving Houston in September.  

I need to take my shower... today isn't so bad because I have a ride to work (even though I woke up with a bad headache).  Tomorrow I have to get up at 3 ish and get ready for work.  That will be harder but it is my Friday so that makes it better.  I will have to look at the sausage today and see if I want to get any to take home today.  I am down to my last chub of ground sausage.  The maple was good going down but I have some digestive issues with it.  And I can always use tuna.  I am OK on mayo for a while though.  

I am going to take my shower.. That's done and I have some time before I go, this is why I always get up "way" early on work days, I like having some time to myself before I run out there.  

I figured out what jeans I am going to wear today (Gloria Vanderbilt 16W dark wash).  I will need to load the pockets with all my junk before I go but I keep all that in a paper bag so I don't miss anything.  It would also be handy if I had to evacuate the house I could just grab the bag and have all my stuff.  Still don't know what my cycle is doing, anywhere from today/tomorrow to about 10 days from now if some indicators are accurate.  Either way it looks like I will not have to hassle with a cycle while traveling.  

Spotty got some good cuddle time.  I worry about him as he is very cuddly with me and likes a good 20 minutes every morning of purring, petting, etc. while I do my God Time.  Sometimes he is out when I do it and he always acts disappointed when he catches me leaving later.  Cleo got cuddles last night and this morning.  She has a trademark move of bumping her butt up against my body for pets.  And Spotty is meowing again I wonder what he wants.  

Hopefully not a big chance of rain let me check.  40% chance today at 3, 50% chance tomorrow at 3, both times lighter showers according to the icons.  And a lot of times it rains really hard for 20 minutes and is done so I will try that if it does rain, or it may be light enough I can walk.  

The traffic light is still "sort" of functional.  I can cross the busy street but the audible is yelling WAIT which is very disconcerting.  Especially for someone with anxiety issues around traffic, I ask God to hold me up through that.  I can still cross that's what matters.  

Spotty got me for another round of cuddles, he is super cuddly today.  I gave him a hug and listened to him purring and said I would "take his rumbles to work with me".  He seemed to approve.  I hope it doesn't mean God is girding me up for an awful day.  I forgot to take my antidepressant but caught it and took that.  I was thirsty before I am really going to be thirsty now.  That is the only bad thing about it.  I take an SRNI.  It works very well considering.  I was one sick puppy before I got on that (early 2009's I think if you are bored and want to look it up), it took about 6 weeks to kick in but when it did I was a lot better.  

I need to go get dressed will be back on that.  All done, even remembered the bottle of water for my cab driver.  

I hope you have a good day, I love you and really appreciate your support in all of this.  Thank you.  

That's it for now. 

Edit: early 2010 is when I was off my antidepressant (not by choice, came up allergic).  

It is my own fault

The store did not have the regular granola bars so I got some generic version of a hipster "two ingredient" granola bar with dates and cashew.  It was pretty good but I woke up with a headache today.  What I will do with the other 4 bars?  Give them away maybe?  I don't know.  I'm not eating them.  

The new drivers really enjoy the candy bags and exclaim excitedly over them.  I am also pretty sure one driver was flirting with me last night?  He was about 5 years younger than me.  He took me home.  I rang the bell and got off, made my usual joke about him "taking a turn (off the route)" to drop me at the house.  He said he might.  I said that was OK laughing and he said seriously he would not mind.  Was that a flirt?  I am so bad at this stuff.  I said that was OK again I needed the exercise or something and left.  

I am not ready to think about a man just yet.  I do fine with my drivers because the lines are very clear and there is no expectation of anything beyond paying $20 for a ride.  But anything past that I feel clueless.  

Kind of like I did as a teen with makeup.  It was so confusing I just gave up and don't wear it to this day.  But I guess some men are into the "clean" look.  I do have that age spot on my forehead but it doesn't bother me.  If I had really good health insurance and didn't work I might get it fried off.  I know I do have some moles that need to come off... but I am not in a rush.  

Some women were talking at work last night about the injury program and our version of Worker's Comp, and they felt it was terrible.  I have not had a job injury so it doesn't matter.  Probably the worst thing to happen to me the last 20 years somehow I cut my leg on a screw in a snack machine and I was bleeding pretty good, it was running down my leg into my sock.  I put some black pepper on it to make it clot.  It worked.  I did not get an infection like everyone said I would.  It healed up with no scar.  That was it.  Ron bashed his head once on our 3 shelf cart and probably could have used a few stitches but I doctored him up and he was OK.  He did not want to go to the ER.  The main concern for me was cleaning up all the blood before management came through.  

I didn't care about touching his blood because we were married and I had "contact" anyway.  But anyone else's blood I am very careful.  

So I woke up this morning with a headache.  I took some Excedrin and went back to bed (not time to wake up yet).  Cleo got in my bed when the alarm went off, I hit the snooze a few times and we had a nice snuggle.  She is very loving when I am in bed.  Biscuit was in the hall watching us when I finally did get up, and he took me to the food bowl.  

I got in big trouble with the cats last night.  I had only given them one cup of food, not two.  I forgot.  Spotty had a lot to say about the service.  So I made sure to give them 2 cups today.  I will likely get home 7-7:30 PM so that's a long time for them.  

I got home fine last night.  The light works well enough at work to get me across the busy street.  The bus came pretty quick, too.  After I clocked out I went to the bathroom, filled up my water bottle, etc. and still had time to get out there.  

I think it is a feature of "peak hours".  Our bus service has peak hours morning and evening where the buses run more often.  5 PM was right at the tail end of that.  

I am wearing an older pair of jeans today, I wore them yesterday too.  They say they are a 20W and have fit me very well the last 4 months or so.  I have lost a little "inch" in my waist and hips but they still fit.  My cycle is due pretty soon so I need pockets to carry my stuff, I need a dark wash for obvious reasons, I need something that fits comfortably.  The jeans check all the boxes for that.  If my body performs as expected I will have the cycle on Sunday.  But premenopause it's anyone's guess so I go prepared every day.  

My shoes have decided to all crap out at once.  My feet have been very unhappy the last day or so.  I plan to go to Academy next week on one of my days off and get some new shoes.  I will probably take the bus there and then take a cab home.  I don't want to get robbed on my way home.  I am just asking God to extend my shoes until I can get the new pair.  It is obvious I need to get new ones.  And they had a really good run almost 10 months on my feet constantly that is pretty good.  

I will donate my old shoes as old shoes are better than no shoes for someone.  I use foot powder and such so the shoes don't stink.  

I need to make my tuna for my break and then I will take my shower.   Done that, packed my lunch, just need to fill water bottle, do up "candy" (those granola bars), get dressed not in that order.  

Biscuit was playing with Spotty a minute ago so I feel good about my decision to keep him home.  

I am feeling unmotivated today.  Once I get going I will be fine.  It's the borderline between apathy and depression.  I did take my antidepressant.  

I took my PM pills with me to work yesterday and took them on my break with my tuna, around 3 PM and that worked fine.  I will do that again today.  

I just wish I could sleep better at night.  I am being careful with my caffeine.  Tonight I actually get 8 hours as I am paying for a ride to work on Saturday morning.  It is too hard to get home late on Friday take a nap and then go to work on Saturday morning.  

That's it for now.  

Thursday morning

 I am still figuring out what to take to CA when I visit.  I have plenty of time.  I also anticipate I will not be talking to my parents as much the next week as my nephew is visiting, and they haven't seen him for years.  They are very excited.  I can't say much about the situation but Mom and Dad will be 200% focused on him which means I will probably just text them every day to let them know I made it home.  

I kept waking up last night, very frustrating.  I am out of my "decaf" tea and no plans to buy more I'm thinking everyone is a liar and just puts regular tea in those bags.  

I got the clothes put up.  I am about due for my cycle the next couple days if it goes the way it has been so I am wearing darker jeans.  

I had a good shower and debating do I want to get the "good" 5 blade razors again or something else.  I like the 5 blade, they work for me.  But they are a little more expensive.  

I lost my granola bar I had planned to eat for breakfast (I need to keep carbs up around 30 or I get a headache).  Couldn't find it so I cut off some cheese.  Cleo got very excited but she likes mild cheddar and not Colby.  She stopped begging when I let her have a sniff.  

Today I work five and a half hours, so no lunch (good).  I get home sooner which is good.  Jack called and I told him my schedule the next couple weeks and that I will need rides on the 8th and 9th.  He was fine with that.  I also mentioned feeding the cats and he said OK.  It won't be hard, they will hide when he comes in the house.  I just need to get a copy of the key.  I may ask my aunt to make one and mail it to me in a padded envelope.  She has a copy of my key.  It would be a big hassle to go to Home Depot and do that, not to mention expensive.  I will run that by her later.  

The cats are good which makes me happy.  I had Cleo and Biscuit in my bed.  Apparently the top cats get to sleep in my bed and Spotty lost out on that battle.  But he still gets in when the other cats aren't around.  

I did my God Time that went pretty well except my Daily NJKV Bible is acting up.  I need to get dressed and do up my candy.  

As always wondering if the lights will work, buses will stop for me, good people on the bus, good day at work: ie app working, etc., getting home from work is the light working.  They have the talking crosswalk where I cross and it is messed up.  The signs work and it does let me cross but the audible is yelling WAIT WAIT it is distracting and that is not something I need when playing in traffic.  I guess I will get used to it; and it has been letting me cross which saves a lot of time.  

I put $10 on my bus card the other day so I am good for another week or so (Until payday).  I will have to see what the electric bill came to before I plan what to do with the rest of it.  But God always provides.  

I cooked up all my lunches for 4 days and they are in the fridge waiting for me to take every day.  I need to go ahead and get dressed, will try to get back.  

I did.  My foot is bothering me a little so I changed out my shoes and lacing on the shoe.  Hopefully that will help with it.  I need to be able to walk!  For my job, and getting to my job and home!  Worst case I may need to go to Academy and buy some new shoes.  I have had these for 9 months.  

That's it for now.  Will post when I get home.  Not supposed to rain today for a change, that will be nice.  

I had a nice nap, Cleo sent me off and left after I fell asleep.  Ron was very spoiled as a child (the two statements will connect shortly), his parents were told "Don't let him cry" when he was born because he would go blind faster.  Which meant he was a rotten little beast until about age 7 when his parents started whipping him.  One thing, he said used to get him very upset was when he would lie down with his mother for a nap and wake up by himself.  And that's what happened to me.  But I felt alert so I got up even though I only slept a half hour or so.  

I worked on the dishes.  Ah... will be back bad thunderstorm, going to shut off computer.  

Early Wednesday

Well I feel a little cheated.  

First of all I slept pretty well except for a moderate headache on waking.  I am down a little more to 192 even.  That is great.  No complaints.  I had 2 cats in my bed which is even better.  

I leave my phone on and plugged in overnight now and then so it can back up.  I had a notification from my work app, Me@Walmart.  So I opened it and it logged me out of the system!  I had to log back in, NOT my favorite!  So I did that and it said it had new features, like, a manager can screen out everyone who called "out" sick for the day.  Important to some but not for what I do, I am not a manager and I do not want to be one.  They work 12 hour days, that would be impossible for me on the bus.  So I felt like I had to work on my day off.  BUT the app is the one let me know I have my time off in a couple of weeks so there's that. 

I just adjusted my volume.  Ron called it the "asshole" level and was very careful (at least until the dementia) at keeping the volume at a level that would not bother the neighbors.  He actually went outside (when he could walk) and paced around the house and yard making sure you could not hear his music at various volumes and set it at a good level for him that would not bother the neighbors.  

I was a little bad about it after he died, I had it up around volume 16 you could hear it standing outside my house but not, probably, in your house.  Now I keep it between 6-10.  The "asshole" level being the volume level at which your neighbor is bothered.  I have a nurse next door and across the street they can work odd hours so I don't want to cut into sleep time (more worried about bothering next door).  Across the street does some sort of exercise class early in the morning with loud music (but I cannot hear it in my house so not at "asshole" level) and excited encouraging "Go go!" type moves so I wouldn't worry about bothering her in the morning.  But next door has her car home so I wouldn't want to keep her up if she just got off at 6.  Oh I would feel horrible about that.  She is very nice and has never once complained about music, cats, anything.  The HOA is the one that got on me about the fence on her side.  

I was listening to Step Rideau just now.  I like "Going to Louisiana" it is a good travel song and I played it in the car when we did, in fact, go to Louisiana.  It is Zydeco, accordion plus other instruments, a lot of people go dancing to it (I don't know how to dance to Zydeco).  

Anyway let me see if I can pull it up for you: 

It will give you an idea.  

I am happy I slept in today.  Some depression swirling around but I took my antidepressant first then after I fed the cats (I have priorities).  I am really happy they like their food so much.  

My hands are shaking some but not too bad.  I can still type.  When I was diagnosed there was a gap between the diagnosis and getting medication because the ER doc did not want to prescribe for bipolar for some reason.  I tried to get in with the county clinic but they lost my records so my aunt found me my current doc on her own (had a friend who saw him and liked him).  He got me hooked up with medication a couple months later.  But in the meantime I have found I have this terrible disease that kills 24% of the people who have it, that is a worse mortality than breast cancer, but no one cares if a crazy  person kills themselves...I read up on the illness (Bipolar survival guide most helpful) and medication and read I could have weight gain, for instance.  When I was first diagnosed with depression back in the late 80's my stepmother warned me medication could help but much of what was available caused extreme weight gain.  I said I was OK with that as long as it helped, meant it, and still mean it 35 years later.  That is why I am OK setting goal at 170 and feel I can reach that reasonably.  

I also read about hand tremors (pretty much all 4 of my medications contribute) and I was OK with that as long as I could still type and knit.  I don't knit anymore but I can, albeit slowly.  I can blog.  I can log into the work app.  I can work.  So I am OK on that.  Weight gain?  Well I don't think the pills help but I think the can of "emotional support frosting" had a lot more to do with that than the lithium!  I would sit there with a spoon on the couch watching TV eating it out of the jar.  That's going to do some damage.  And, like, one tablespoon of the stuff has like 8 fat grans and 100 calories... not an ally in the weight loss game.  

So I am OK with side effects.  I had a battle with nausea for a very long time but have figured out I am OK if I take my meds with my big meal of the day I am OK.  I need protein and fat, I am OK doing that.  I can get away with a protein shake for some reason but I am phasing those out.  I am trying to eat more real food.  

Yesterday I had 3 cups of greens cooked down in a bowl with some bacon drippings on top.  It was very good.  I am not one to go "Oh, yum, cooked greens" but I do like them steamed in the microwave and dressed with some fat and a whisper of salt.  I ate them first and they were good.  That is 3 servings right there, and I also had a nice amount of sliced cucumber with my lunch.  I found a giant cucumber at work the other night so I bought it, it was only 50 cents.  I should get a lot of eating out of it.  I think the secret is eating stuff I enjoy eating, and I do like some vegetables.  

That's it for now.  

Tuesday afternoon

I forgot about the fish.  I love a can of kippered herring now and then, including this morning, but developed a headache later (not bad).  I also took a nap in there joined by two cats.  Biscuit has no problem getting on the bed; I was really worried about his leg but he is improving steadily.  He can get on the bed, in my lap, on the couch.  He is hanging out in his usual places and begging for chicken and churu type treats.  He bugs me for meals and is eating and drinking normally; so I feel good about him.  The other cats are great of course.  I love it when Cleo gets in bed with me she is so loving, but out of bed forget it.  She would be a great cat for a quadriplegic.  

Spotty came in and meowed at me but it is a nice day so he is enjoying it.  It looks like today will be the nice day and tomorrow it will rain; if so I will not go to the grocery store.  I didn't take a shower today, my hair is not optimal, I am in a tank top and my booty shorts so can't really go out like that either.  And I had planned on staying home so that's what I'll do.  I may sit out in the sun I find that beneficial for my depression.  

Not that I am really depressed today but a good idea to get a jump.  Headache is better.  

I am thinking to do up a week of pills and then do my patented rubber band/ziplock thing.  I need to find my rubber bands.  Then stick that in my backpack.  I will be gone less than a week, if something comes up I can always have my doc call in a refill to a nearby pharmacy.  I don't think I need to take a month's worth of everything like I was thinking.  It will also save a lot of space.  BUT first of all I need to find my rubber bands.  That's all done.  I put the pills of the week organizer into a gallon ziplock, roll it up and rubber band it.  Has worked well in the past.  And I can just put it on their kitchen table.  

So that's one less thing to worry about.  And it is pretty small space is going to be an issue for me.   

I went outside, I could see clouds coming in, and sat out in the sun/partly cloudy for half an hour with bare feet in the grass.  I feel better when I do that, glad I do have a yard so I can do that.  I also ran my last load of laundry.  Mainly socks and underwear.  I used the laundry sanitizer on my work clothes; I don't want to use that on my underwear as it is bound to be irritating.  I did throw in a little baking soda to help the socks, though.  Not that they reeked but I want to keep it like that.  

My aunt is busy with business I guess I will talk to her tomorrow.  

I am trying to eat smart so I don't screw up my weight loss.  I'll be fine.  

That's it for now.  

192.2

I slept pretty well last night, but was careful moving around as Biscuit was in bed with me and I didn't want to roll over on him.  I got up and weighed, 192.2.  22 pounds to goal!  I have lost 66 pounds so far just need to get the last 22.  When I hit 170 I will take a break for a little bit and eat at maintainer levels. I may go back on the diet but I'm not thinking so.   

I read a very compelling article written by a medical missionary who was always "ideal weight".  Got caught overseas due to a coup or something and had to eat very short rations for a couple of months, came back very emaciated.  He said he would always carry an "extra" 20 pounds in case of illness or something.  It makes sense to me; when I get really sick I have no desire to eat.  I never have.  So ideal for my height is 150 which means 170 is my goal.  I think it is also more attainable to reach and sustainable to maintain.  I am going to have cheats.  I just don't want one cheat to derail me for months on the scale.  

I went through my backpack.  My little bottle of lysol is shot.  So I threw it away.  I use a Walmart bathroom anyway on the regular an airport or airplane bathroom is not going to be that bad in comparison.  I am taking some soap but Mom has shampoo and conditioner, I told her Suave anything was fine and I mean it.  I will need to pack some deodorant, but I have a hair brush, hair clip, and glasses case.  I do need to get a pair of headphones for my devices.  I found one in Ron's box of electronic stuff.  I have his digital recorder, fanny pack, fan, stuff like that in there.  A lot of adapter cords as I figure the minute I throw one away I will have to buy a replacement for $20.  I have a cell phone charger in there too.  I will put the Fire charger in the day I leave. 

And I need to figure out clothes.  Socks, underwear, bra (I don't plan to wear an underwire on the plane).  I will have access to a washer and dryer so won't need much.  I want to bring a couple t shirt dresses, something to work out in, and a top or two to go with my jeans.  I will worry about that as I get closer to my departure.  

I'm going to go do my God Time.  

Sunday night and Monday morning

 Work went fine, it started out pretty busy.  I had theorized everyone got paid; they couldn't shop because of the rain, they would be out in force the minute it dried up.  And I was right.  But it was only 4 hours so not too bad.  The app did make me log in again before I could clock out, that was a little frustrating but if Walmart wants to pay for 2 extra minutes I will take it.  I came home on the bus, it was pretty dry.  

All new drivers of course and the one on the grim route gave her candy to a homeless man.  I was fine with that as long as he didn't know it was from me, it would cause problems/hassling if he did.  I trudged home through the vacant lot I keep hoping they'll develop and relaxed.  

Dad was doing up his pills and they got confused so he had to take everything out, identify it, and put it back.  Mom also had to get him a script, hopefully for that COVID cough he's got lingering.  So they called late.  I talked to them for about half an hour, went straight to bed.  

I bought 2 pounds of walnuts and 2 pounds of cheese as I figured that would be better for me than the fake shakes.  I did get mild cheddar as that is Biscuit's favorite.  He has been very unhappy with the Colby.  

I plan to do some shopping on my way home so that will take a while...either at work or at the grocery store on the way home, probably work.  I do get a small discount on fresh produce at work and I feel good about the produce guys.  So we will see what I find.  I have a grocery budget which is nice, I also need to get more candy.  

It's my Friday so I am wearing my purple jeans and a black t shirt.  I considered wearing a different shade of purple top but thought it would be "too much" with my bright blue vest.  2 bright colors are OK I think but I wouldn't want to do more than that.  The jeans have decent pockets which is a nice thing about thrift store jeans.  

I am eating walnuts and cheese for breakfast, will have italian sausage in tomato sauce with cheese before work.  Will have tuna salad on lunch.  Not sure what I will do for dinner.  I will probably need a granola bar on the way home to stave off low carb migraine.  I need about 30 carbs a day to prevent that.  I am down a little more to a straight 193.  Happy about that.  Cycle due anytime to a week from now we will see. 

About a 50% chance of rain today, a much higher chance tomorrow so I will stay home and watch Chicago Fire marathons.  I will do my cooking on Wednesday; I only have a 4 day week coming up and then 3 days off which I will TAKE.  Last week took a lot out of me with the split days off.  

I woke up a couple of times but otherwise slept OK.  That's it for now.  

PS Biscuit is moving around a lot better.  

Sunday morning

I didn't sleep great but I got "enough"  I have a theory maybe decaf iced tea is not decaf after all.  I'm not sure.  I will be buying more today most likely.  

One thing I am massively confused is clothing sizes.  The thrift store is great, I grab a pair of 20's, a pair of 16W, and a pair of 18.  The first two fit, the last one does not.  So I buy them and wear them every day.  

But I have a big belly for my hip measurement and the size charts don't know what to make of that.  I am just buying stuff to fit my waist and then my hips are baggy.  But I was looking at period underwear (for a lot of reasons I don't think it is practical for me) and their size charts didn't match at all what I'm wearing.  If I get it to match my hips it is a much smaller clothing size than I wear?  Very confusing.  So I will stick with what I am doing with the disposable stuff.  

I talked to Mom and Dad last night they are really excited.  The only real thing of note I will be all day flying that Saturday.  But I'll be fine.  Can I bring a lunch?  I think I can...

Anyway Mom's like "You're losing so much weight (I don't want to screw it up).  What do you eat?" so I will send her an email.  Just some things like unsweetened soy milk or heavy cream, hard cheese, etc.  I don't want to screw up my weight loss when I'm there and she has plenty of grocery stores.  

Did not tell her this but REALLY good odds I will have my cycle that week.  I will deal with that if it comes.  

I did tell them I am pretty sure, based on the trip out, I will try to only carry a backpack.  I really just need a couple of t shirt dresses, a top or two, the jeans I will wear, the sneakers I will wear, some underwear and a few socks, and ideally a workout t shirt.  Because I want to be a good role model for them and they have access to a gym.  I will play with it I think I can get it to squish.  She has soap and shampoo.  I will just need to bring my medication and a hair brush, cell and tablet chargers, tablet in it's case.  

I turn the tablet off when we get on the plane, right?  It's been a while since I flew.  I may pack the underwire bra and just wear the stretchy bandeau bra.  I will already be getting plenty of attention with the sneakers.  

I will make a list of everything we need.  I have access to a washer and dryer out there so it's not like going overseas or even to Galveston.  It will be strange not packing for Ron.  I remember last time we traveled I had like 3 bags for him and one bag for me.  So I can go lean on the packing.  Plus they have a thrift store and a Walmart out there so I will have lots of choices when I land.  I just want to avoid having a checked bag if at all possible.  A backpack can fit under a seat, I know I can bring that.  

I will work on that list today.  Maybe on the bus on the way home.  

I need to take my shower, will be back. All done.  

I keep reminding myself only 4 hours at work today.  I took some roast chicken and a hunk of cheese for my break.  The cats were begging for the cheese but not so excited when they found out it was Colby.  I need to buy more cheese, what I will do is buy a nice chunk of mild Cheddar, Biscuit loves that.  

I haven't decided if I will get some groceries today and some tomorrow or buy them all tomorrow and take a cab home.  I could swing it if I were careful, and it would save me a lot of time on the bus on my day off.  But I don't think I have anything so large I would have to take it in a cab.  I will see.  I need to see how much the cheese costs, for one.  I think I spent around $5 at my local store, and I don't get an employee discount on food.  

I haven't seen Spotty but he likes to run around outside this time of day anyway, he will probably come up to me as I'm leaving.  

I need to decide if I want to do more whey protein.  I wasn't crazy about the brand in the orange canister, I like the black canister brand better, but they didn't have it yesterday.  Decisions decisions.  Mainly what will I have for breakfast on work days if I don't do the protein.  

That's it for now!  

Saturday

I got to work OK, ate my 2 donuts, and got ready to log into work.  I logged in on my computer and I had a message.  I opened it "TIME OFF APPROVED"  I was thrilled but had already clocked in.  I did fire off a quick text to Mom and Dad and then went to work.  

Dad had a flight picked out by the time I took my break.  It looked OK so I said yes.  It is going to be a very animated discussion today; they are having a grandson visit next week they haven't seen in years and then I will be coming out next month.  

Work was very busy, for once it was not raining so everyone came out to shop as I'd thought they might.  I was hopping all shift.  Happily the other girl came in pretty much on time so I got out of there OK.  

I tried to take a nap when I got home but I was too wired.   I talked to them and worked out on the exercise bike, now I need to go to bed.  

But I'm taking a trip next month!  

My second bus is a challenge to my faith walk

 My primary route that goes by the house is not bad at all.  It is very quiet and nice people on the bus.  The second bus is something else.  

I used to wish and wish Metro would connect those two buses and now I'm sorry they did.  It isn't the bad behavior and the constant fare beating that bothers me so much, although some homeless guy "going off" screaming and beating on things (has happened a few times) is disconcerting.  Then you have the sick homeless coughing and sneezing God knows what all over the bus.  Then you have the very dirty people sitting on the seats, grabbing the handrails I have to touch, etc.  I can see why some bus drivers simply won't pick them up.  

Yesterday I had a guy get on with a walker, he really needed a wheelchair as he was, in my opinion, too feeble for the walker.  He stank of urine.  It was so bad it made me gag.  He had clearly not changed his clothes in days and had serious issues toileting.  He sat very near me so I had to gag on it all the way to Foodtown, where he got off (I think he was "making groceries").  

My issue is simple, how do I set appropriate boundaries with these people without upsetting Jesus?  I do not give them candy and I don't talk to them as they leave me alone, now, but if they see me as a "mark" that will end and then they will go tell all their friends about me.  There is only one white lady in glasses gets on at the Walmart wearing an employee vest (I take off the name tag).  Is that what God wants?  I'm not sure.  

I do need to work on my thoughts when a difficult person boards the bus and causes me inconvenience due to odor/behavior/50 bags of junk.  I have also had people asking me for money and I tell them "I don't have what you need" which I feel is very true.  One was very persistent and I was worried she was going to get off and follow me home.  The bus driver finally got her to stop, he had let her ride for free and said he would "bounce" her if she kept bothering me.  But my thoughts are not where they should be; I feel like I should be praying for them.  But not labeling myself as a mark.  

For car people it is different, you probably have a water bottle of package of crackers for homeless people, you can reach it out the window and never see that person again;  I see these people again and again.  A good example I had given a bag of candy to the driver, a woman got on behind me and said "Where's my candy?"  I told her it was only for drivers.  "Why?"  "Because he's working".  "I work" she said sullenly (referring to time spent begging on the median).  She glared at me the whole ride.  I am already weighed down enough, and let's be real, I have to BUY the candy...I can't carry an extra sack of baggies for the homeless on the route who talk about the faith based ministries with disdain and would likely throw the booklet on the ground.  

Star of Hope is a good ministry to the homeless but you have to listen to a gospel message and prayer time before you stay at the shelter (I have been told).  They would rather sleep on a piece of cardboard than do that.  Beacon is another good one but you have to be in recovery and not actively using drugs/alcohol to get services... you get the idea.  

So for now I am not giving them candy.  If I remarry and he can drive me around I may adjust that.  We will see.  For now I am happy to be single.  

That's all.  

193.2!

I went over on some of my macros yesterday (not carbs) and ate higher than normal carbs (but still in limits), but still 193 this morning.  That is 65 pounds lost from my known all time high of 258.  So happy about that.  

Didn't sleep great but woke up with Cleo and Biscuit in my bed.  I gave Biscuit a kiss on his leg before I got up.  He let me.  It looks fine it's just a little tender.  I did some very depressing reading.  If you have an obese cat (I do because the neighbors feed them too) they only have a lifespan of about 10 years which fits with Bubba, Baby Girl, etc.  So I only have a couple years left with Biscuit on Earth.  He is a great cat, though, and I love him to bits.  He's a good boy.  No one is super cuddly which is why I always try to take a photo when they're in my lap.  Like this: 

Not Biscuit of course but you get the idea; there he is!  

I was really happy I deboned the rotisserie chicken last night I got a lot of meat off of it.  I didn't want it in the fridge for 4 days.  So I have it all ready to go in baggies for my breaks and lunch.  I didn't like it with mayo like I do my tuna, what I plan to do is take a chunk of cheese and eat that with the chicken for my fat grams.  

I did go over on fat grams yesterday but it didn't hurt me.  I have been reading if you get too much protein it gives you bad breath and I work in pretty close contact, so I can't do that.  So if I had to go over on something it would be fat grams.  

Cleo has figured out food comes out of the kitchen so she comes and begs whenever she sees me in it.  It makes me really happy to have an entitled, spoiled, little housecat vs. the timid feral she was a few years ago.  She is still not 100% cuddly but when I am in bed she is the most loving cat imaginable.  She is just a little leery of me when I am standing up.  And that's OK.  If I had her life I would feel the same way.  

The boys are good.  So work today should be interesting a lot of rain the last couple days plus a lot of people got paid on the 15th.  So will we get a lot of customers?  Will it rain again?  If it's a downpour I will have to pay for a ride home, much as I hate the idea (cheap).  I got my schedule I only work days for another couple weeks and then back to the 3-10 shift Thursday and Friday nights.  I will have to talk to Jack about that.  I hope he still wants to help.  

I also need to feed my bus card $10 and sort out the cash I have on hand for my budget this week and next week.  When I get home tonight I need to inventory my fridge and figure out what I need so I can buy it.  The cats normally go outside but have been using the litter box so I may need to get more litter.  I don't blame them I wouldn't want to go pee in the rain either.  They have 4 boxes so lots of choices.  

I will likely take my wallet with me so I can get an additional $20 emergency ride home.  I like to have that on hand in case it rains (hard), the bus breaks down, that sort of thing.  I don't use it very often but have a few times this week.  I tell myself most people don't have any tax return left but I want to extend it as long as I can.  

And my cycle is due pretty soon so I have to factor that in, I have supplies in my vest pocket for work and will have a pad every day just in case (before I get to the bathroom).  Pads are still pretty cheap and are available so that's good.  There were some problems with tampons but I have been OK so far, thank God.  

It is interesting I am losing weight before my cycle as I generally lose after I start.  But I won't complain.  That is over 2 pounds in a week.  

That's it for now.  

Friday night

Torrential rain on the way to work but not while I was at a bus stop.  Bus drivers told me they are all changing their schedule on Monday so I will have an all new cast.  

Work was fine, my feet were killing me more than usual so I took a cab home (it was also still raining but not heavily).  I retired that pair of shoes once I got home.  

I got some pictures.  These are the jeans that had a problem.  That is how I put up my hair when I'm out.  

That's it for now (this is 194# this morning).  

Thursday and Friday morning

Watching the news before work they said we were absolutely going to get severe weather coming in this afternoon.  It did not look likely and as late as 3 PM it was still mostly clear and sunny.  But a couple of co workers asked me how I was getting home as their phones were telling them severe weather inbound.  I thought/prayed about it a little and decided to call my cab driver buddy.  

Next time I would call him after I got off work, not while actively working.  At any rate I made a reservation for 5:15.  I had a few doubts about it but was pretty busy at work, didn't get a chance to look outside until about 4:30 when the thunder started.  Ah.  There it is.  And sure enough it started pouring.  I was really glad I had a ride.  

There was another girl who was supposed to relieve me who never showed up and didn't call.  She was not the one who comes in late, this one never came, period.  I guess she figured she would take the 2 points (you are only allowed 5 in a six month period) rather than get wet coming in to work.  So I left at 5.  

We were having power surges which can affect the cash registers so I went ahead and got 2 cans of Diet Dew out of the vending machine in the back.  That was working fine (my experience Dixie Narco vending machines usually do, and the Vendos).  I went out front and waited he had said he was running late and the weather was insane.  No way I could ride the bus.  

There was an accident and I saw all sorts of fire trucks, heavy rescue, ambulances going down the street full lights and siren.  Happily they were not for my driver.  He came and took me home.  By then the worst part of the weather had passed but it still would have been very difficult to take the bus.  I was glad I did have the emergency $20 in my pocket.  

I checked the mail and got the card, thank you VERY much.  I had a total of $45 to get me through 2 weeks of groceries and incidentals, that makes my days off a lot brighter.  I can actually put money on my bus card now.  I appreciated the note as well.  

The cats were good.  Biscuit seems comfortable even though he is still limping a little.  I think he landed funny jumping a fence.  But he can put weight on it so I'm not worried and he got on the bed last night, and off the bed this morning.  

I was back down to 194 even though I went off on my macros yesterday.  I had eaten too much fat.  I did buy some granola bars so I wouldn't get too low on the carbs which equals a very bad headache.  

Spotty is showing some separation anxiety.  It is "cute" but I feel bad for him.  I am going to try and get some good cuddle time in with him today before I go to work.  

I need to take my shower, I'll be back. All done.  I am wearing the jeans I was able to redeem from the grease stain, I really like the fit.  It took 3 washes with various stain fighters but I got it with God's help.  Nice pair of jeans, glad I get to keep them.  

My cycle is due the next week or two so I have supplies on hand for that.  

Biscuit is acting normally so while I'm worried about him I am not panicking.  I may look into the low cost vet clinic I have heard about in Houston.  If I take Biscuit into my local clinic it will be at least $500 for something that may be nothing (he can put weight on the leg); the clinic may offer a better deal.  Last time I had this with Gravy I had unpalatable options like a $5K surgery no guarantee he would be fixed, or a $900 amputation.  I am hoping I am not faced with those choices if I do take him in, but, again, he can bear weight on it and is acting normally.  He is sprawling everywhere I walk I am very glad I am not blind and have nightlights because I would hate to step on him. 

The cats started doing this some months after Ron died, when they realized he would not be barreling along in the wheelchair to run over them.  It was an interesting process to watch.  

That's it for now!  

Biscuit is doing better

He is alert, hanging out in his usual spots, in his usual postures (on his back with both back legs in air), eating, watching me clean the box, etc.  So I'm not going to worry about him.  Yes it is a risk letting him out but I accept that risk and if Biscuit could talk he would, too.  His leg is not hurt in any visible way and his paw is fine.  He is also moving around the house OK I haven't caught him at it but he moves around from room to room easily.  

I didn't sleep well, I kept waking up.  I did remember to make some iced tea this morning so I have a nice cold drink when I get home.  I am taking my Italian Sausage to work today, along with a cheese wedge (for breakfast) and then tuna salad for lunch.  

That should be tasty.  

I work a longer day until 5 PM and then take the bus home.  That should be interesting.  I have candy for all my drivers including the "All Strawberry" 8:45 driver.  

That's it for now!  

It's not the race, it's the ignorance

I washed my bedding as it was A. full of cat hair and B. gamey.  I did a soak with some baking soda in addition to the usual Tide and it's nice and fresh.  I have to hang dry the bedspread so I have that over the shower rod (which is mounted on special brackets).  I used the lint brush on it before I washed it.  

I laid down for a little bit with Cleo and we had a good nap.  I didn't really sleep but she let me lay close to her.  Later on I picked up her front legs and planted a kiss on her (first time I have done that) she wasn't sure what to make of it but did not hiss or struggle.  That's encouraging.  She's a good little cat.  

I did the dishes, most of them, and they are drying.  I went outside to sit in the sun for a while and the guy across the street had his garage door up, doing something in his garage.  If I had to guess from the screams he was working out with a weight bench and not very well.  He had loud rap music blasting with horrible profanities.  

He has 3 girls, I couldn't believe he was listening to music talking about p-y and such where they could hear it.  You might have guessed he was black, he is not.  I have 2 black neighbors and 2 latino neighbors and he is latino.  

Years ago, back when we first got together, Ron (himself black) had a thing about n-s (the word you don't say).  That's what he called them.  I asked what he hated and he named off, basically, ignorance.  So I told him, "You don't hate the skin color you hate ignorant people".  And he said YES as though I had just given him the secret of life.  So he started calling ignorant people "rants".  So the guy across the street has just proved himself a "rant".  That is all.  The volume level can't be heard with me in the house but he is just ignorant.  And that is sad.  #6 can act ignorant at times during his parties, when he gets drunk.  And they are both the latinos.. but they are quiet as anything.  So, "Rants".  

I will try again it seems quiet now... it was.  

I am a little moody tonight I have to work 5 days straight.  Not long days, any of them, but they are when you factor in the transportation.  You get the idea.  

I'll be fine.  The cats have been good.  Biscuit has been under the bed today not sure what is going on but I'll check.  Someone else fed them today they didn't touch their food.  He's fine, he was out loafing around on the floor with Cleo.  Good.  

That's it for now.  

Water bill praise!

So I called the water company...water bill for 2 months including pipe break and processing fee was $79.  That is a huge relief.  

I had $150 for groceries and water bill  so I can actually have a pretty good pay period.  Throw a little money at the credit card, save some money for new A/C air filters (those aren't cheap but I get them in a six pack from Amazon so good for almost a year.  So that's good.  

Next pay period I will be paying the electric bill.  $$ almost $200 last month.  So a little bonus now is a good thing.  I am considering buying a food scale ($10).  

My minimum payment on the credit card is doable I think I will save some this period and a little out of next one.  Make a bigger payment.  

I did have a problem with my phone yesterday it was very glitchy.  I managed to get it restarted.  But it got me thinking I might need to carry a credit card and my ID on me in case my phone does die when I'm out somewhere and I need to get a new phone.  I will think about it.  

Had some drama earlier.  Spotty got up on the bed with me when I was doing my God Time.  Cleo tried to get up and he growled, bit her, and chased her out of the room!  Spotty does NOT share his quality time!  It was cute he wanted me so much but I did feel bad for Cleo.  

OH crap I forgot about my rides; I will have 2.  Oops.  Glad I didn't spend any money yet.  I need to sit down with my notebook again.  I will make it.  

Next pay period I will get a little more.  

And it's a sad, sick, joke.  I was so looking forward to taking a nap today and #6 has some bleached blonde guy with a ponytail pressure washing his concrete.  I am not sure how long it will take but I'll try to get a nap anyway.  

That's it for now.  

Early Wednesday

 Yesterday went OK.  My third driver was thrilled I remembered he likes the strawberry filled candy; my fourth driver actually squealed with delight when I gave her the candy.  That was nice.  It is nice to share the gospel in a fun way.  

I remember a post by a pro life group outside of an abortion clinic, a woman had come in very pregnant wanting an abortion.  She already had 3 girls and had found out she was carrying twin girls and wanted an abortion on them at 7 months.  It was really ghastly for the group they did everything but she went through with it.  That would be devastating.  

Me, I hand out candy.  The worst I get is "No thanks".  or "I don't eat candy".  I fixed that with one driver and gave her a pouch of smoked chicken chunks!  And she took it!  With the booklet of course.  So I think I have the easier job in that.  

Dad and Mom went out of town to a favorite spot.  I am VERY GLAD they do this.  I did not get a lot of away time with Ron, and I regret that.  It was impossible of course at the end but we could have done it when he was well.  And I didn't, something always came up.  One of my regrets.  

You want to know the big one?  Ron was not a big one for kissing on the lips so I would kiss him on the forehead.  I wish I had given him one last kiss before they took him away.  

He used to scream when I did it, like I burned him.  It was pretty funny.  

So Mom and Dad called me later which was fine as I had today off.  And I've said I am not going to reject a call from someone I love because you don't know if that's going to be the last call.  They were having fun and are eating dinner out with friends today so they will call me "early" today.  I guess I will have the phone in my bedroom during my nap.  

I will need to do up my pills and also do some dishes.  I have italian sausage in tomato sauce, and a roast chicken, so I don't think I need to cook.  I don't plan to shop today so that means I have an extra $15ish I can also spend on food or rides.  

I also took the nice sheets off the bed and put the old ones on in case I have an issue with my upcoming cycle.  Spotty "helped", it was really funny I was looking all over for my pillow cases, couldn't find them and then I went to put my lint brush (I have to lint brush the cat hair off the sheets before washing) they were right next to it.  So I am set for pillow cases and I don't have to make the bed later.  It's all done. 

Trash pickup is coming I can hear the truck.  I saw a Roto Rooter truck so I think my neighbor with the cracked/leaking pipe finally called for help.  

I need to do my God Time and I will try and call my aunt later.  I also need to call the water district and get an idea of my  bill.  

Tuesday morning

 I don't know how to say this but I have a policy with family.  If someone wants to call me, late, I am OK with it.  One of my regrets with Ron I could have been a little sweeter in the middle of the night when he needed help.  Instead I was often irritable and I do feel bad about that.  Yes, I'm only human, but I have resolved to do better.  

Which means Dad had a board meeting last night so he called later.  I went to bed later than planned but was OK with it because you never know that might be the last phone call.  No regrets on that, will do again if it comes up.  

I slept great and woke up with the alarm, hit the snooze button a few times, got up.  Cats had a little food left but I fed them anyway as I will not be home until after 6 PM, likely.  They are good about making it last.  

I packed my lunch (Italian sausage in spaghetti sauce with a side wedge of cheese; tuna salad for my lunch as it requires no heating) with a cold pack so I am ready.  It is only 4 hours working but 4 hours to and from work plus a little downtime before work where I can do shopping if needed.  I also plan to pick up a roast chicken after work if they have a good one.  

Not sure what I will do with tomorrow off.  I might get some sausage today, or I might go out and get some fresh kale at the other grocery store near my house tomorrow.  If they have it.  I am not sure if I just want to sleep in and relax tomorrow (after tomorrow I have 5 days straight work), or mix it and do some leisure and some work.  I will have to take it as it comes.  I am always trying to be "up" on meal planning so I am not caught short one day trying to fix my lunch.  

I do need some more containers so I will likely get those before work.  

That's it for now!