Very early Monday

 I slept OK considering.  I had done up my pills for the morning because I've found it's useful to take the antidepressant before I get up on those very early mornings.  So I wake up, take my pills, go back to bed for 20 minutes, get up.  I also took a 100 mg caffeine tablet.  

I have decided to focus on good things God has done for me in the past and how He has always had my back.  

One example when I was 13 and on the verge of suicide I threw myself on Him and begged Him to save me if He would.  But I couldn't go on the way I was.  In part this was due to a severe "natural" depression paired with the doctor's use of an SSRI antidepressant which we all know, NOW, causes teens to become suicidal.  I was a part of them finding that out.  I also had a difficult family life and a psychopath had just shot up my Dad's office a few months previous (Dad was not there.he was meeting with my doctor about my depression).  The shooter killed several people and I had to sit and watch the TV with them bringing out the body bags wondering if one of them was my father.  And what would happen to me as the woman I called "Mom" was just a stepmother with no legal claim?  It's the lowest I ever got.  

I had an encounter that night with God where He wrapped me in His love, let me know "This is as bad as it gets" and let me know I would get better, people cared for me, and I just had to hang in there He had great plans for me.  He also directed me what I needed to do the next day (followed it to the letter) and things did improve.  

Then Ron's accident fifteen years later.  The day of his discharge his family decided to disown him.  I had counted on them for home care supplies, a ride home, money, etc. Everyone had told me I needed to let them help.  I had no money, no home care supplies (including a wheelchair), no ride. No money.  No prescriptions.  No help and he was going home in hours.  I had to make a way.  God provided amazingly within a few hours and soon I was safe at home with Ron in bed with his cat. I was eating a pint of Ben and Jerry's (before I was convicted about their politics) making notes in my little journal.  He sent the people I needed when I needed and even provided a very nice wedding dress when Ron and I set a date.  

I found it at a thrift shop for $5.30.  I had asked God for a wedding dress at that particular shop if it was His will for me to marry Ron.  You can say a lot about my marriage but I believe it was God's will.  I also believe Ron made choices to be verbally and physically abusive that were NOT God's will, and also chose to abuse alcohol in contradiction to God's will as well; that's what made it hard.  At the end of it Ron and I did love each other but he had a lot of issues and I had a very hard time standing up for myself. 

Let's look at the day Ron died.  That morning my checking account balance was $16.  Everything was in Ron's name even the only credit card.  So I had nothing the day he died.  But God laid it on Shaun to start the Go Fund me which soon amassed thousands of dollars, family I barely knew sent me LARGE checks, etc. God provided another job for me after I lost the first one and it's something I enjoy. 

So I know God has my back in all this. 

Saturday I was at Food Max and they had a great tray of pork chops. I like a thicker chop, little fat and no bone. They were perfect looking.  And only about $3.50 for 6 chops so I went ahead and bought it. I cooked them last night.  

I just cook mine in a low skillet because I like them juicy and I don't like the breading on them.  

They came out perfect and juicy. I love buying meat from a "real" butcher vs.something shrink wrapped in a refrigerated case, that came off a truck from Des Moines (nothing against Des Moines). 

Even my meat is well managed, thank you Lord.  

I need to take my shower.