Tuesday afternoon

I had a pretty good nap for a while.  I thought, when I turned up the thermostat, I might have more trouble sleeping but I seem to be OK.  I don't mind it colder in the summer but it doesn't have to be cold, which will hopefully save me some money this year.  I can just make it working part time but I have to be clever.  

But naps are free and I enjoyed that.  Got up and took out the trash, watered my herbs out front.  I have a very small flower bed dominated by the jasmine.  A few smaller herbs around that.  Catnip, lemon verbena, and the mint plant my rabbits find so tempting.  I could probably catch a couple dinners if I put a snare by the mint.  I won't, though, ick, cleaning a dead animal.  Happy I don't need to do that.  

I am involved in an online discussion with a guy who is "following his dream" even though everyone else thinks it is a bad idea.  Says he doesn't know God's will but has decided this has His blessing, even though it is taking a big chance financially.  I have been discouraging.  

And I will share why.  Years ago I lived in CA with Ron, my parents had moved me there in 1985 from the East coast and I really hated it there.  I went to visit Ron's family back in 1994, after we had been together for 2 years.  While there I picked up a Houston Chronicle and read the low cost of apartments, in the classified, and the equivalent pay rates to CA.  Why was I living in CA, what Ron termed "The Frozen Sh*thole"?  I could live in a nice warm city for far less money.  

I nagged and nagged and connived and tried to find a way to get Ron to move.  The farthest I ever got was Ron admitting that yes he would like to live in Houston but it was always the wrong time.  IN this, I sought MY will and not God's.  I asked God to bless what I was doing but refused to leave it in His hands.  

And got nowhere.  I finally got to the point I admitted I was never going to make it happen, that I would do my best to be happy where ever He put me, and I would leave it in God's hands from that point.  And we moved in 4 months.  I just had to leave it to God and let Him make it happen.  Trying to do it on my own only caused failure and disappointment.  

And that's the important lesson.  

I also included this: 

Years later Ron was in a terrible accident run over by a pickup truck while walking to work. He was dead at the scene and revived after 10 minutes, life flighted to the trauma center.

I was not notified for hours, I finally got there and was told he was critical, they were working on him, but it looked very bad. He had a SEVERE head injury and many other problems. I immediately turned to God, I asked Him, begged, really, for a sign as to His will for Ron. I said, and meant, I would be OK with his will life or death as I didn't see the whole picture and Ron had always said some things he might not want to survive. So if he were a quad in addition to being blind, that sort of thing...

So I asked God for HIS will not mine, but did ask for a "favor". Could He at least let me know which way it would go so I could prepare? I honestly did not expect him to live at this point. I opened up my Bible and got this:

Psalm 72, NIV
12 For he will deliver the needy who cry out,
the afflicted who have no one to help.
13 He will take pity on the weak and the needy
and save the needy from death.
14 He will rescue them from oppression and violence,
for precious is their blood in his sight.
15 Long may he live!
May gold from Sheba be given him.
May people ever pray for him
and bless him all day long.

Well, I had my answer. I told everyone in the waiting room Ron was going to make it, they thought I was nuts but he did, for 18 years. I am very glad I had those years even though they were not easy. He wasn't unscathed and in fact developed Alzheimer's. But he loved me, and I loved him, I am glad I had that time with him. He told me constantly at the end how much he loved me and how much he valued what I did for him.

That's the kind of sign I am talking about. But I had to be willing to accept ANY answer not just the one I wanted. And abide by His will, not mine. My life has gone much better living like this.

All true, I hope it helps someone.  I do better living in God's will.  It is not "easy" but it is "right".  Works for me at any rate.  

I am not cooking anything today I am tired/depressed (not so depressed but it's there).  I plan to have a PB sandwich for dinner.  I was down to 208 this morning so that is encouraging.  

I drank some of my "decaf" tea this morning and had a hell of a time falling asleep for my nap today, I am convinced it has caffeine in it.  Which is fine for morning use but not evening.  I just need to figure out the drinks for the handout tomorrow.  I have found bringing a cold beverage it sweats and I can't have condensation + Bibles.  That's just BAD.  So I will have some room temperature drinks.  

I will set up my cart later and figure out what I am taking.  But for now I am trying to relax.  

That's it for now.