I put on my workout playlist and did my workout.
There are days I challenge myself and push the limit, days when I coddle. Today was a coddle day but I still did better than expected on the get-ups. I pushed on the get-ups (June 2 I only did 3, today I did a total of 10). I did not push but did "maintainer" levels on the other 2 exercises. I don't regret that, I was literally dripping sweat all over the garage floor by the time I finished.
I came in and drank a protein shake. Premier Protein Caramel. 30 g protein. It was so good I wished it were bigger. I meant to share some with Ron but my natural greed took over and I just inhaled it. Took my pills (needed them!) and took a shower.
I watched some TV and tried to take a nap (it took me a while to get started this morning so I was hours behind), but I couldn't sleep. I got up and got on my computer (Baby Girl had taken over the chair for hours).
My measuring tape arrived. I am the same measurements I was last time I checked. That was pretty discouraging, especially for a day I'm already depressed.
I talked to Ron a little. We are leaving shortly for the Waffle House. He wanted to take me out so I will let him. WH has a more casual environment and that is better suited to him.
The cats are all good, I haven't seen the outside ones but I am sure various critters will appreciate the water. Not just cats.
Maybe "my" possum will come back. I wouldn't mind seeing it outside the house.
Bad news from Jack, the truck is acting up.
Chuck confided something in me the other day that I didn't like, but I couldn't say anything. I can't share it because it is not mine to share.
Well, that was horrible. The driver was late, the guy who is always late. Ron spent the "extra" half hour steadily drinking, and we so drunk by the time the driver arrived he had to ride in his wheelchair, in the back.
We got to the Waffle House "I don't want to eat" he says. I keep prodding him to eat and he keeps saying no. I gave him a bite of bacon off one slice, then an entire other slice when he liked it. I asked if he wanted an order of bacon. He said no. Waiter asked him several times about food, he kept saying no.
Ron slurs something at the waiter about "How Jesus don't want name on your body 566". I said "Do you mean the Bible says not to take the mark of the beast?" "Of course". That's not what he said. He drooled very unattractively, too.
I finished my meal (it was good) and Ron called the cab driver. He paid and gave the waiter an extra $10.
The driver said he was 15 minutes away. 10 minutes later Ron starts whining he is hungry, and wanted something to eat. I said it was too late to order, if he did the cab driver would be waiting on Ron while he ate and he didn't want that.
But he kept whining as if he hadn't eaten in days.
The cab arrives. Ron is, literally too drunk to get to the vehicle, even in a wheelchair. He keeps dragging his feet and almost flips himself out on the pavement on several occasions. I know what it "feels" like pushing him so I would immediately stop every time it happened, and it happened several times. Then he is too drunk to get in the cab, I had to shove him in there like I was kidnapping him. His legs stuck out at an odd angle. I had to sit him up in the cab and then position his legs underneath him. The whole time he is cursing me out.
I got in and fastened my seatbelt. Arturo starts down the road. And Ron says "I don't have any money". His $40 tip to Arturo last night, his $10 "extra" tip to the waiter, etc. have depleted him "Did (I) have any money?" As he is going down the road in a cab that must be paid for. I said I would help him check his fanny pack, because I believed he was overlooking money.
He got abusive. Arturo is very silent up front. By now I am pretty pissed myself.
Ron comes up with $14. When we got to the house, I paid Arturo $20 and told Ron I would take it out of (some cash at the house, not much). Ron got verbally abusive again. I knew it would be horrific getting Ron out of the cab so I took a moment to compose myself after I got out, got out my remote and opened the door, took another moment. I don't like being an angry person.
I opened the door and Ron said he gave Arturo all his money, so he got $34 for a $10 trip. Great. I asked Ron why he was giving all our money away "Because I'm Ron [last name]" As I suspected, an awful time getting him in the wheelchair, but I did without him going splat and bleeding all over the driveway. Times like that I am glad he is off the blood thinners.
I almost left him outside in the sun for a while to sweat out all the alcohol, but reminded myself criminal charges weren't worth it. So I took him in. Once I got him into the house he went down the hall, had a HELL of a time getting into bed, profanely refused any offers of help, so I walked out and left him. I got my cash back. He kept making a big production out of wanting to "pay me back". I told him I already got the money and he cursed me out.
He then began a narrative where I "had no food in the house" (in spite of my recent Walmart grocery delivery, a full fridge, and freezer, a dozen hard boiled eggs, dozens of cheese sticks, a gallon and a half of milk, plus a huge stack of protein shakes and some snack foods). I reminded him - I must admit shrilly - he had asked to take me out. We just went over this again - he BEGGED to take me out "because you deserve a nice meal"
Now he is denying it. But I was very clear I have plenty of food, I didn't need you to take me out to dinner. You asked and I accepted.
Long time before I do that again!
He is just cruel and abusive. He gives with one hand and takes with the other. He hands out hundreds of dollars in tip money every month but won't give me $20 when I run short before payday. And he makes me CRAWL before he says no - so I stopped asking. Why rely on him for anything? Why trust him? Why lean on him?
The only thing he loves in this world is his cat. Does he care for her? No. Who takes care of her, and the other cats? Me. So even the cats can't depend on him. I'm the one scooping her poop, feeding her, checking the water bowl, and cleaning her mats. Ron just pets her.
I'm the one who cares for the cats. I do everything for Ron. I would like him to be appreciative now and then. Can't do that? OK, be neutral, nothing good or bad. No, instead I get a steady diet of verbal abuse because I'm the only one dumb enough to help him. You think he would value my contribution.
And that is really the mistake I made after the accident: I figured Ron would realize and value everything I had done, and continued to do, for him. Instead he is the definition of "entitled", rude, unreasonable, and abusive. He won't bathe. He drools, he drinks to excess. He falls.
What to I do? I get up every damned day and help him run his business, clean, do his laundry, make sure good food is available for him to eat. I buy him protein shakes with my own money. I take care of his cat so he gets all the feelgood of owning a cat without any of the work. I do the work. He takes advantage of it.
If he had a healing tomorrow - everything miraculously restored, I would absolutely walk away. Absolutely.
At the end of it, I feel sorry for him. He has no one else I need to wean myself emotionally and learn not to rely on him for support. He cannot provide it consistently.
A good example, this morning, it was great that I worked out, how wonderful. A couple of hours later he said something about "fat ass" or "big butt" something I was meant to overhear and be upset. This after said "butt" had saved HIS butt getting in and out of the cab.
Ron has vulnerable parts in his ego. I do not use those to attack him. It's not my job to attack him, and God doesn't want it. God is going to hold him accountable.
But he's just so HATEFUL. He couldn't go three days at even moderate drinking, much less abstinence. It is exhausting and it can't go on very long at this rate. Which is why I document.
One day he's going to kill himself and I want it clear he did it to himself.
12 comments:
That is your fault for taking a fallen down drunk out to the waffle house for dinner. When the driver was late (again) you should have called paratransit to complain and cancel the trip.
First of all it is not his money it is both of your money. This whole he keeps the bulk of the check and doles you out $800 a month is a bunch of B.S. not to mention he is wasteful with the cabs, etc and over tips and overpays. Think about how much extra money could have been used to pay down your mortgage. All the interest saved on the house. What a waste and a shame.
You need to have a talk with him about the money and tell him since you do the bulk of the work not he should get the $800 a month and you get the rest to dole out to the cab drivers, etc. No more of this over tipping nonsense. He is wasteful and so are you for allowing it. There are many people that would love the income he takes for granted and would not waste it on trying to be a big shot. What a loser. I just don't understand why you are not involved in the money decisions since he is not making good ones.
WHY DON'T YOU LEAVE
Being a Christian is loving your enemies.
Not being a doormat.
Dear Heather, I understand your position completely, re the money. I always justified it that my husband went out and dealt with the the world (which I would’ve hated, being a bit of a loner and uncomfortable around people I don’t know, plus I just can’t be assertive with most people), so I told myself that he had a right to handle the money and give me money as needed. I was always “just” a housewife, keeping the home fires burning and making sure our home was a sanctuary for him. I must admit, he was always unreservedly generous to me, but nonetheless, I always had to ask, and explain why I wanted it.
You are an equal-at this point, more than equal-partner in your husband’s business. I would say that at this point, he might not have a business if it wasn’t for you. In a just world, YOU would be paying HIM! Not to mention, that from what a I gather, you are the one with her head on her shoulders when it comes to managing money (I couldn’t say the same, my DH is much better than me at making money and not spending it on “foolishness”, though he never minded allowing me to do so).
It sounds like the difficulty of dealing with him, in almost every way, is escalating. I believe as firmly as you do, I think, in “till death do us part”, but it sounds like he is becoming more of a hazard than you can handle, and the times he is like this are coming closer and closer together. You are there, of course you know better than any of us readers of your blog, how bad things are and how much they are happening more and more often. Do you think the time is coming, and soon, that it just won’t be possible? Dealing with a man with his physical disabilities is one thing, but the almost constant drunkenness and resultant behavior is another. He could go on like this for years, and that will be your life completely stolen from you. If he manages to somehow last for many more years, you may get a couple of years to call your own, to own yourself and your life, if that many, and then it’s over. That’s sad. You don’t owe him your whole life, to use until he dies and at best leaves you with the dregs of a few years in your old age.
I don’t know what the answer is, I know you feel that you can’t just walk away from him, but dealing with the disabled man was one thing. Dealing with a willfully drunk and disabled man is another. He is stealing your life from you, and you only get one.
If Ron was able bodied and drunk and wanted to drive you wouldn't let him. Why would you let him over spend his money on cab rides and tips?
I am still sorting out what God wants me to do.
Paratransit trips just tend to always run late in the afternoon. I tell Ron "factor that into the trip" but he doesn't listen.
He is really, can't say it any other way, an asshole about money. If I needed money for stitches or a dental thing he would give it but if I make suggestions on what he might do he gets abusive "MY" money, etc. Then he does whatever the wasteful thing is even more.
It is ironic because when we moved to Texas I was working, he wasn't, I used to give him spending money so he could go out and buy a hot lunch while I was at work, etc. One nice thing he used to do: go to Krogers every morning when they had a hot deli and buy me a breakfast plate, bring it back to the apartment to me before I got up. I would wake up to a nice hot breakfast. Admittedly I was paying for it but I appreciated the gesture.
What happened to that man?
It is not his money or your money it is OUR money because you are a married couple. Would god really want you to let a slobbering, idiot of a drunk squander money every month by over paying and over tipping taxi cab drivers? I don't think so. Besides if it wasn't for you he would not have a business today and would be in a nursing home. But you go ahead and keep letting him waste money that you could be saving toward securing a little nest egg when he inevitably goes down hill and the business is gone and you struggle to secure a new job.
This will never stop with him and you and that is the way I really think you like it (maybe not on a conscious level) but somewhere deep inside you from your severe childhood traumas I think that you have to have the drama and the abuse.
I am so sorry Heather for all you are going through . I wish I had answers but I only know when you are ready ..get the fuck out of there. OOOXXX once you adjust to how life should be ...you will always have some guilt but the intense pain of leaving eases I promise.
Good luck . I have to take a break but you know you can call a crisis line and get help please do it when you are ready. I get the cats but Talk to your vet or a local rescue and have a en emergency plan in place in case you can not take them right away.
Oh man I am so sorry.
Good grief Heather you are full of excuses, and now using God as one of them. What would God want you to do? You're a grown ass human in the REAL world on this earth, get yourself together! You make the choices for your life not God, and not Ron.
To the "nice" post, I do have an emergency fund, not huge, but I have it if I need it.
To the other, "mean" post, it is my life and my decisions.
Didn't I just say that?! And, that is not a mean post, that is a reality check! Look, I was an independent paralegal, my speciality was helping women get out of abusive relationships. I worked one on one with women, getting them though the court system, housing, applying for aid, and whatever it took to help them start over.
I've heard every excuse for them not to take the steps to be free. Mostly because they were scared of the unknown, the familiar is sometimes easier no matter how bad it is. What if you're in a sudden position not of your choice? Ron could have a bad stroke, or something else serious. You need a plan, getting your legal papers together-house, SS, marriage license, etc. Start researching programs, where you can go for help, if you can't stay in the house, where will you go, and yes the cats. You cannot let them go they are your comfort and they need you too. Do you know it could take months or longer to receive disability after applying? Don't wait until something happens, start planning now!
I have important papers in one place. I just need to get a waterproof case for them because flood is the most likely event I will face.
Currently it is about 2 years, last I heard, to get disability. However I have been working so they may not give it to me, I am OK with that as long as the fake disabled are not getting it either.
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