I could have a good one. Let's start at disabled before birth and blessed with the family curse of mental illness, but not just bipolar, schizophrenia too. You drive, I never will. Ever.
And I will end it there because I HATE whiners.
I got some sleep last night, Ron woke me up every couple of hours, much like a large, demanding, baby. He woke me up at 7 (I was pretty much alert, anyway) to help him put on his shorts. First I got him into bed. He was being a jerk and I told him.
Why was I being mean to the poor cripple?
I think I need to tell a story again. Ron was born with glaucoma. It was immediately apparent he was blind in one eye and the other didn't have much left. So they sent him home to the ghetto with special instructions for his parents: "Don't let him cry, he will go blind faster".
Cue SHAMELESS pampering, indulgence, etc. He told me once his brother bought a candy bar with money he earned. Ron wanted some and asked. The brother (rightly) said no, this is MY candy. Ron started crying and his mother took the candy, split it, and gave half to Ron. They used to make his older brother break in Ron's shoes for him.
With a record like that it is easy to see why the siblings were so quick to dump him after the accident. The longer we go the more I understand their motivations. I used to think they were monsters and wrote a lot to that effect; I understand it was self-protection now.
So, a complete, raging, narcissist. As far as he is concerned the world DOES revolve around him, his wants, his needs. In the meantime he underwent several eye operations.
One day his mother overheard him saying he had her "wrapped around his finger" and the discipline finally began. But, by then, it was too late, in my opinion. He cried of course, and went blind pretty fast.
Better to have disciplined him from the start and had a decent human being. That doctor has a lot to answer for.
So Ron really does think, especially when drunk, that it's my job and duty to serve his every whim. I told him none of it works like that. "Why are you being so mean?"
I reminded him, I told him yesterday, I would get manic, mean, and unpleasant if I were sleep deprived another night. I told him he kept waking me up for stupid stuff like the shorts, and this was the result. You bought this mood.
Someone else in this family as a problem, and it's just as bad as yours. Suck it up. I got him into his shorts and into bed. I gave him his cell phone.
He was upset at me and said he was cancelling all our trips for the day. He didn't make any, and I told him that.
"Oh"
I left him sitting on his bed and came up here to work on the computer. What did caregivers do before the internet?
I just checked to see if he wanted food (I do have to feed him) and he said no. The good news, for me, of late, and I'm taking this to heart: I can move Ron around. I can get him out of wheelchair into bed and vice versa. I can move him around in bed. I can get him off the floor into wheelchair/bed. I have the strength I need to do this, and I thank God for that.
He was on the phone, hopefully making trips for tomorrow. I just hope he is fit to work, tomorrow.
I did my laundry yesterday so that's off the table. I wash and air dry my workout clothes, I think it makes them last longer. I was happy to note that I found another headband (total: 4) while cleaning up next to my bed. I have a little more room over there now.
Ron got his clothes back so he will be clean and presentable (one of those things I have to do, regardless, although one time I let him wear a filthy outfit when we went out because he was being such an UTTER asshole, not proud of it though). I washed his socks. He has a bad habit of wanting to wear the same sock over and over. I just bought him a whole bunch of new socks (with his money) so there's no need for that. I run at least one washer load a week and it is easy to throw something in there.
I just have one big combo load. I have color catchers if I have something I am unsure of. Nicer underwear goes in a wash bag, basic stuff can go in the wash.
Now, I do have a load of socks in the dryer, I need to put those in a bag and figure out where I'm putting them. They are a Walmart brand sock and hopefully not discontinued soon. I got rid of all my mismatched socks. I am not so poor I need to keep them. I have one nice set of Gildan socks, about 20 pair. Now I have another 12 pair of the Walmart (I wanted to try them out before buying a lot). They were great, I didn't think about them while wearing them and they didn't leave my feet weird when I took them off - sometimes my feet get clammy from some socks, like Smeagol, it is awful. Not these.
I think I will do some cleaning/purging. I have an empty garbage can waiting to be used. First, though, I'm going to do a workout. Well, I'm going to get dressed and do a workout.
I am hugely partial to wearing my bike shorts during virtually every workout. They are super comfortable, don't bind or get in the way. I can just GO.
I have some microfiber t-shirts I wear with the bike shorts to complete my wardrobe. I have basic Walmart sneakers that have done an incredible job with my damaged (now mostly healed) foot, I will definitely be buying more. And like I just said I have plenty of socks.
I had better get to it. I will check and see if Ron made trips for tomorrow when he was on the phone earlier. No trips currently booked. Well, he's got time. If he doesn't do it I will.
I don't play games with work.
2 comments:
The point is that you are not 17 anymore. You know that he is an abuser and you refuse to leave him. You use the excuse about the business and marriage vows and a promise to god as your reason for staying. You have changed the line in the sand so to speak about what would cause you to leave him and keep moving this line.
Now you are up 2 - 3 times a night picking him up off the floor and putting him back to bed. You used to work at least 5 days a week and that is tapering off too. Seems like more of a downward slide than in the past.
As for victim blaming. No one is victim blaming since she knows the relationship she is in and choose to stay. Partly because she is forced to like a prisoner because of money and the cats and partly because of her weird religious beliefs that keep her chained to this man and also keep the money separate in the relationship. And for the record Heather is NOT trying to leave. She has said she will NOT leave so it is frustrating to read these things and know that no matter how bad it gets she is on this ride until the end.
Eventually the choice and decision will be made for you because Ron will become too incapacitated for you to be able to care from him and drag him to work (you said the boss told you as long as his body was at work he can continue in the program). So he will either wind up rotting away in a nursing home or die from the alcohol and the pills he abuses before making it into said nursing home.
You are not doing anything financially speaking for the day when this comes. When you will be out of a job and have to then find other employment. I know once he dies the house will be paid off - because of the insurance policy. So at least you will have that covered. I think his dying at this point would put you in a better position than his languishing in a nursing home for god only knows how many more years. Shame he couldn't have gotten life insurance too - though I do think I vaguely recall you mentioning he had this and I asked you to make sure you were the beneficiary on this as I think he had his parents as the bennies on this.
Not to mention you have not sought any type of disability or benefits for your mental illness of which you could qualify for.
Ironically when Ron was recovering from back surgery he wasn't drinking and was a better person. So maybe his going into a nursing home would be a good thing for him and maybe Heather is being the selfish one here in not letting him move into one.
It is all about perspective and I believe Heather wants to be the victim and be seen as the victim in a lot of this. I feel that maybe she believes it gives her "points" to do the whole long suffering thing with Ron. Whatever the reason it is a pretty messed up situation and not normal.
I thought that was pretty reasonable so I posted.
1. I have been saving as much as possible, I have enough to cover a few months now. It is not much but better than nothing. That is in addition to "our" savings. For instance, this pay period I took half out for the dentist and some additional to put in the cats' fund for the vet. Torbie may need a blood test which would be another couple hundred. I want to be able to say yes to that, if it comes up.
2. Sales are dramatically down at work since they put in the ice machine, people bring in their own hot drink and pour it over ice vs buying a cold drink from us.
There are things that would cause me to leave and I told Ron that before I logged on. I told him days on days of sleep deprivation were TOTALLY unacceptable and the kind of thing that would have me leaving him. He was really shocked I would have to do it but it's true. I can't afford to have him f*ck with my mental health, it has been too hard getting here and I am not going back. I will talk about that more in a post.
When Ron is forced to dry out (hospitalizations) he is wonderful and a joy to be around. I never mind visiting and do so as much as I can, just because I miss that guy, a lot. And I know it won't last. That is the saddest part of it.
Post a Comment