Sunday Afternoon

I will admit I prefer to see myself as STRONG and a VICTOR.  I like to think of myself coming over the finish line, or deadlifting something heavy, battling my illness and finally coming out on top, etc.  That's how I like to see myself. 

Ron was pretty reasonable today.  I was actually able to talk to him for a change. 

I did my workout, I started slow as I was pretty sleep deprived, worked up to a good action in about 5 minutes, kept it going for 35 minutes total - very happy with my heart rate.  I finished that up, took a shower, shaved my legs, looking good.  Tomorrow I will likely get up very early to do Kettlebells, then shower, before work.  I do not want to shave my legs at 4 AM.  I just don't. 

Better to do it today, it takes a while for me to "grow in" now. 

I watched some TV, Ron got up, I told him I was taking a nap.  It took me a while to drop off but I did.  I slept pretty well but another headache!  Agh! 

Hate those headaches.  I drank a very cold Diet Mountain Dew (I actually have what I would consider "plenty" of Dew right now).  Ron was awake in the kitchen and asked for some.  I let him have a drink, then I gave him a can of lipton I bought yesterday.  He loves tea in a can. 

He said he loved me and I said we had to talk.  I explained it was totally unacceptable for him to keep me up all weekend, that I felt extended periods of time off "were a bad idea" for him.  He kind of went "yeah, yeah" he didn't say it but I could see him thinking it. 

I then told him it had been bad enough that it made me wonder if I would be able to stay with him.  That made him sit up.  I told him my mental and physical health are important to me and he needs to respect that by being quiet when I'm sleeping, NOT waking me up every couple of hours because he is bored. 

He said he was sorry (and meant it, for that moment in time), he didn't know it was that bad.  He told me I should just "reason with him until he understood".  I said it didn't work that way, when he was like that he was beyond reason.  The only way to stop it was to prevent it.  We were both very calm during the discussion. 

I broke it off and went in the computer room for a while.  He went out in the garage for another bottle of vodka.  I came back to make another drink and told him he could influence the outcome by what he put in his mouth.  "I understand you view alcohol as helping you.  It does not help me.  When you put too much alcohol in your body you harm me, and that needs to stop."  I told him it would stop, one way or another. 

If he is engaging in psych warfare of keeping me up all night for days on end I have NO problem walking out, and he knows that now.  That is pretty much all I can do for now. 

He was pretty soaked in his wheelchair by now so I took him to bed and got him in.  I am getting pretty good at that.  I would have no problem doing it if it were just a physical cause and not alcohol related.  I got him situated and left. 

I heard him talking to himself and he yelled NURSING HOME a couple of times in the process.  So, he did the equation.  If he runs me off it is the nursing home for him.  He can do very little to care for himself.  Some of that is failure to do physical therapy and exercise.  Some of that is inevitable deterioration from the back condition.  Some of that is the new stroke he probably had at the end of April, but refused to get checked out. 

From my understanding I would have to divorce him to place him in a nursing home.  Well, that would certainly put the punctuation on our relationship although I would still visit as long as he was decent to me, and I wouldn't remarry until he died. 

I can't say much but I can say Ron has screwed up our finances enough that I would have to "fix" that before even considering another man in my life; it wouldn't be fair to the new guy to take that on.  This also affects why I cannot apply for disability at this point.  I can't say more now. 

Sad I even have to go here.  I bet you never thought you would hear me say I might have to divorce him.