I had to make more trips again

I debated editing the first post or just creating a new one.  I decided to create a new one. 

I am feeling bad about myself.  A friend of mine on Facebook lost her son in what looks to be a horrible, page-one, tragedy.  And all I can think about is the gossip, how that destroys a person when they're already down, etc.  I asked for prayer but did not share what I did know, and won't here, because it doesn't feel right.  Suffice to say he was grown, they were very close, and a lot of eyes are going to be on her. 

I just keep thinking how awful the gossip can be after a tragedy.  How I wouldn't wish that on anyone, much less someone as sweet as my friend.  And then I feel bad for thinking all that. 

I took a nap, slept pretty well.  I did wake up and went back to sleep, then woke up again with a headache.  I got up to drink a Diet Dr Pepper and found Ron drunk in the kitchen.  I am debating do I push him back to bed or leave him there to sober up.  But he is right next to the vodka so will he? 

Let me go see if he made trips tomorrow.  Nothing. 

I just made some myself rather than try to shake him awake, plead for him to please make them.  It is not a hard system to figure out.  From, to, drop down screens.  Pickup time or appointment?  You want appointment.  Then I have to put me on the trip as an ambulatory attendant. 

My stepmother texted and wants me to call in about an hour.  That is normally when I would be prodding Ron to make the trips, but now it doesn't matter because I made the trips.  If he sobers up in time, he can alter them.  If he doesn't sober up in time,we have a couple of rides. 

In a perfect world I would have my own transportation but I do not.  I don't get to leave when I want, I get to leave when the ride arrives.  But I scheduled enough time to get there in time, get the delivery, hours of stocking, and then our other ride. 

In a perfect world I would tell Ron "too bad" when he sobered up without a ride but it is MY ride as well.  If he won't take care of business I will.  I ran the business by myself on more than one occasion.  I can certainly make a few trips. 

Sorry to sound so bitter.  I just hate what alcohol does to him.  It's miserable, he's a miserable drunk.  It doesn't bring him any joy or pain relief so I just hate seeing him with the bottle in his hand.  And he was really upset I wouldn't "help" him pour the vodka from one bottle, to another, this morning. 

I don't want to find drunken blind kitchen obstacles blocking my access.  Admittedly I am not hungry, and pretty sure I have access to the fridge, but it's just SAD. 

Another tirade about drinking.  You know, I was told, many times, growing up, I would end up just like my mother, drunk and dependent on everyone around me, constantly in crisis, unable to sustain a relationship, sleeping around, getting pregnant by random men, etc. 

I beat all that programming.  I do wonder what they told Ron when he was a kid, how he would end up as an adult.  I will have to ask him when he is sober.  I know he had other alcoholics in his family going back to at least one grandfather who used to fall into ditches walking home drunk. 

It's funny, both Ron and I have the genetics for addiction.  I am addicted to caffeine but within the limits set by my doctor.  He is addicted to alcohol in amounts no one should consume in a week, much less a day. 

But I'm glad I made the trips so I don't have drama.  I will say, to his credit, he was pretty quiet and I didn't know he was up to all this while I was taking my nap. 

I am going to go fix myself a cold drink and watch some TV, maybe read my book, before I call my Dad in an hour.