Thursday

Yesterday: too many Diet Dr Peppers!  They were delicious and cold going down but I DID NOT SLEEP.  I kept tossing and turning, drinking all my water, getting up to pee, and positioning myself so I wouldn't disturb Torbie and Biscuit. 

I did not get up on time, I barely had time for my shower.  We went to the warehouse, bought some supplies, and then went to work, stocked, etc. 

We finished that up and came home.  There's my bed, I took a nap.  I woke up before the alarm.  Ron and I went out to a BBQ buffet restaurant.  It was very good and they are very attentive.  We are pretty hard to forget so they said it was good to see us again. 

We had a good meal.  I focused on a lot of protein for both of us, with a taste of some sides, just a bite or two.  I did give Ron a fair amount of pineapple as he is very fond of it.  They have small portion desserts, not stingy but just a couple bites each, so you can try a couple for the same sugar as one standard size.  I did that.  Their flan, I think, is amazing.   A custard with a burnt sugar topping? 

I had unsweetened iced tea.  I have been craving tea as it's gotten hot out.  Unfortunately, one bad thing about living in the south: most of the tea is sweet.  If I'm going to consume a load of sugar I want to spend it on something fun, not tea.  But they had unsweet. 

Hopefully that will not bite me later, I had 3 big glasses for a total of about 510 mg caffeine.  I try to aim for "under 450".  We had a pretty good meal. 

We came home.  I sorted out my pay, I need to get a filling, ideally some new glasses, save some money for the vet visit.  The nice thing about the yearly visit, I have time to save up months in advance, so if they say "Torbie needs a $200 blood test" it's no big deal.  I only use credit in the most dire circumstances.  Everyone is doing well, though. 

Once I had all that allocated suddenly not as much in my pocket!  I did have some spending money, and some money to put in my account for online purchases, grocery delivery, etc.  I will go to the bank near my Walmart tomorrow, on the bus. 

Ron is fairly broke after paying me but had enough for cab fare home.  That'll work. 

I didn't do a formal workout but I ran around so much I made all my activity points and then some (87 out of 70).  I will do kettlebells tomorrow. 

I am definitely going to bed early. 

About my reply this morning (didn't post), I see it as my job to be a decent, loving, human being in spite of everything thrown at me. They may not have made good choices or sent me in a good direction, in Ron's case outright abuse - but I have a choice how I react.  I can choose to be nasty, bitter, vengeful, and hateful or I can choose to accept what is and be a wonderful person in spite of that.  I am tired of the whole bitterness routine. 

Today, for instance, they paged the guy who ran over Ron to report to a large sorting machine.  I had thought he retired.  I makes me sick to think of him out there living a great healthy life while Ron decays.  For a very long time I wanted to beat him with a metal pipe until he learned his lesson.  But that doesn't serve anything but the devil.  It didn't make me a better person.  It sure didn't make me happy.  It made me miserable. 

I have only found peace in accepting what is; that only God will show him just how much he made the both of us suffer.  I am done with the whole bitterness thing.  It doesn't serve my joy. 

I want to be a content person, happy if possible but if nothing else content with my little life, my cats, my blog, the few people I can count on who would never call me a fucking bitch.  I choose to enjoy Ron during his high points and avoid him during his bad ones. 

Recently he told me he woke up on the floor.  He laid there for a while reaching around, trying to ascertain where he'd fallen.  He felt the bedframe and realized he had fallen next to his bed.  He then hauled himself up and got into bed.  But it was a wakeup for him - at least at that moment in time he started to think he might have a problem with alcohol.  I will focus on that as an encouraging moment when he forgets and decides to order a case of vodka delivered. 

I can enjoy the positive points in the husband I do have, or I can hate him for what he has become.  I choose to focus on the positive, how cute he looks in bed with his cat curled up in the curve of his leg.  I can focus on his generosity with me, and others, instead of bitterly focusing on how much he wastes on alcohol.  This all seems pretty simple but it works for me. 

My moods are bad enough without dwelling on negatives.